I’m Not Your Brother

My name is not “Bro”. I assure you that my mother did not pop me out, take one loving look into my eyes and decide I looked like a “Bro”.  There is an idiot at my bar wearing a flat brimmed baseball cap with the team logo of a team this idiot has never heard of with tats covering his arms and a fat white watch he found in the back of some knock off van screaming repeatedly at the top of his idiot lungs, “Hey Bro”. I see you sitting at my bar watching this idiot wondering if I am “Bro” or if his buddy is “Bro” or if he has an extended network of brothers that don’t seem to respond to being called “Bro”. Don’t be mistaken, he is most certainly talking to me. However, I assure you “Bro” is not something you as a polite well-mannered bar patron should ever call me. I know, it’s hard to believe “Bro” is not my name when this idiot uses it like he’s an old buddy of mine who just happened to stroll into my bar and can’t wait to call me over to chat me up. That’s not the case, because if it was he would be saying “Hey Jon” and he definitely wouldn’t be repeatedly yelling this at the top of his lungs. I get it. This idiot is at a bar acting as if it’s his first time and wants a drink as fast as humanly possible because the faster he can get the first one and not tip the sooner he can chug it and order another one and not tip. There is a pecking order when it comes to who a bartender will serve and in what order. Yelling “Hey Bro”, “Bartender”, “Hey Sweety”,  “Yo Dude”, “Barkeep” or “Garcon” repeatedly and at the top of your lungs assures you that you will permanently remain at the bottom of that pecking order. This idiot could walk up to an empty bar and if he attempts to call me to attention in such an abrupt or rude manner he will wait for his drink. Believe me, my hustling to serve that idiot a Bud Light with a shot of Jager for no tip is not my number one priority. The couple that walked up after the screaming idiot with a smile and a simple “Hello” is already paid and walking away, drinks in their hands before the idiot even realizes he got skipped because he were so damn busy yelling “Hey Bro”. My tip for you is to avoid people like the one I’ve described above at all costs. Leave the likes of them to me and the large man who stands on the door and keeps all of us drunks safe and happy as we laugh at the fool who can’t figure out why him and his “broes” glasses are empty.

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One Response to “I’m Not Your Brother”

  1. Matt Dolman Says:

    Sweet write-up brah! Couldn’t resist. Love it, Jon! This is too true, not just in bars, but anywhere you work with the public. Cheers!

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