GULP!!!

I’m going to create a website called Gulp. It is going to be modeled after Yelp, the evil website made originally with good intentions but which now specifically specializes in making business owners crazy. The difference for Gulp will be that instead of customers reviewing workers, Gulp will consist of reviews written by workers about their customers. Don’t get me wrong I’m not totally against Yelp. I believe that if someone goes to a restaurant several times and repeatedly receives bad food or service that it is their civil duty to let other people know. Yelp gives you a chance to voice your opinion. I have no problem with that concept. My problem is with some of the people who use Yelp. Instead of being constructive or rational they come off as biased and just plain stupid. It only seems fair that if customers get to write whatever they want about people trying to make a living that the working man should get their say too. Reading Yelp can at times be like repeatedly kicking yourself in the groin for an extended amount of time. If you have ever felt the dread of reading a one star review of the restaurant or bar you work at you understand exactly what I mean. Most of the people in the hospitality industry I know are very hard working people who truly believe that making the customer happy is one of the most important aspects of their job. That’s why coming home after an eight hour shift and getting a text message from a Yelp-addicted chef that some anonymous coward gave us a one star review because she couldn’t find a parking space at 8 o’clock on a Friday night and because she had to wait five minutes to use the restroom, and that her one star review has now dropped us to a 4-star as opposed to a 4.5 star restaurant is the last thing I want to hear about it. To Yelp reviewers like that I say I will not go play in traffic because you thought the ice cold beer I served to you was, in your opinion, tepid. Despite what you may believe those kids being loud at the table next to you are not mine, nor did I strategically seat you next to them just to ensure your dining experience would be ruined. I apologize if my not serving your friend who doesn’t have their ID makes you believe I am on a power trip. The fact that you have deemed my clientele to be snooty locals or fat bitchy chicks really has no bearing on the food or service. Also any restaurant employee talking shit on Yelp about another restaurant out of spite or envy or jealousy should be outcast from society and left to live in the woods eating only berries and deer shit. It’s idiotic comments like the ones referenced above that have inspired Gulp and once it is unleashed I cannot be held responsible for the consequences. Now, not just customers get to be irrational and hateful. Employees in customer service everywhere will now have an anonymous way to talk shit about the people they serve. Welcome to Gulp. But beware, or I might just Gulp the shit out of you.

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