Get Stoned

The next person who walks up to my bar and says they want a Stone is going to get just that. In fact the only reason I don’t keep an actual stone behind the bar to give to people when they order it is because I believe the animals would throw it at me in a fit of arrogance and embarrassment. Stone is a brewery, not a beer. You can’t walk into a bar and order a brewery as bars serve individual beers not the entire brewery. I assure you Stone does not make a beer called Stone.

It’s even more fun when we do a Stone beer event and a couple of geniuses wearing arrogant bastard tee-shirts and hats stitched with a Stone saying order a couple of Stones. That conversation goes a little like this:

“Hey bro, can I get two Stones,” says the genius.

“Stone what?” I ask.

“It’s a beer.”

“Right, but which one we have fifteen of them currently on draft?”

The genius confers with his buddy and they both seem very confused. After a minute-long discussion they are ready to make a second attempt at ordering.

“The hoppy one,” the genius says confidently.

“We have five different IPA’s from them on right now.”

“Yeah, two of those.”

“Which one?”

“Stone IPA.”

“We don’t have Stone IPA, but we do…”

The genius interrupts.

“You don’t have Stone IPA?” he asks disgustedly.

I shake my head “No”. They are appalled as if I have just told them that our restaurant doesn’t have food. To them that is the equivalent of a bar that doesn’t have Stone IPA.

“Just give me two Guinnesses bro.”

For a brief moment my mind tells me that with the proper guidance I could find these two rocket scientists a different IPA that they might even like more than Stone IPA, but decide that these two deserve a Guinness instead of something hoppy and delicious.

If that conversation didn’t hurt your brain you are probably drinking a Bud Light right now. Welcome to my world. Craft beer is big in Southern California and Stone is the generic face of the movement. Don’t get me wrong, Stone is a trend-setting microbrewery that not only paved the way for themselves but also for microbreweries everywhere. However, due to Stone’s popularity outside of the beer community a lot of people who try to order their beer wind up sounding like idiots. They get so swept away by the legend of Stone IPA or Stone Pale that they refuse to try another beer of the same style from a different brewery. What’s even worse is they won’t try a different style of beer from Stone, which is the brewery they claim to think of so highly.

Here’s a heads up, if a bar doesn’t have Stone IPA don’t get a Guinness or Bud Light. Get a different IPA and realize that there is good beer outside of Stone. There’s nothing wrong with that. Stone brewery doesn’t care if you drink other brewer’s beer I assure you. Lean on your local bartender to guide you to an acceptable alternative and for the love of all that is holy don’t just ask for a Stone. You sound like a moron when you do and believe me everyone in earshot of you whether they be a fellow customer or employee will proceed to make fun of you as soon as you walk away. Other bars may tolerate this sort of behavior but I no longer will. I am on my way to the store to get a foam Stone that I plan on lying in front of anyone ordering a Stone, that way when they throw it at me it will hurt less than holding a conversation with them did.

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2 Responses to “Get Stoned”

  1. Matt Falco Says:

    I hope you are joking…you will most certainly lose customers over this odd frustration of yours. Next time they order a Stone brew, give them a Double Arrogant Bastard. Then you can laugh at their weak pallets, and your inevitable conversation will be all the more amusing.

  2. Ewald Says:

    Stone beers in generally aren’t particularly good in my humble opinion, and they people that drink them tend to be worse.
    Why people in California believe that using an inordinate amount of hops while creating their beer is something that I will never fully understand. Oh, and there is nothing wrong with drinking Guinness…its easy to drink, and better than most.

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