Archive for July, 2012

Josh M., Las Vegas, NV. GULPU

July 28, 2012

For starters, as CEO of GuerillaDeSwine Productions I would like to personally thank you, the general drunken public, for an amazing turnout this past Sunday for the LOVE LIFE book release/signing party. We broke the record for most books sold at a pub in San Marcos, CA. ever. Special thanks are in order to Ivan Derezin for letting us host this tribute to local literature at the best craft beer pub in the world, Churchill’s Pub and Grille. Another special thanks are in order to the best band in all of San Diego, the Paragraphs for blessing us with one hell of an acoustic set. Big ups to Jesse Hofbauer, the head of the GuerillaDeSwine Productions music department for making such a special performance, happen.

The best part of the festivities was that it was all in the name of supporting local literature and celebrating National Buy A Book Day. Congratulations to Americans everywhere for returning their eyes to the written page. GuerillaDeSwine Productions has long been a proponent of people buying the wonderful books we sell and we encourage the country to continue to do so at a rapid pace.

The next GuerillaDeSwine Project on the horizon is the release of GULPU.com which we are proud to say is very close to being finished. Despite various attempts at government-sponsored sabotage GULPU.com is very real. So real in fact, I am pleased to publicly announce that it will be released Sunday, August 12th. Ever since we have introduced GULPU.com to you, the general drunken public, the offices at GuerillaDeSwine Productions have been overrun with letters and emails of various people’s reviews of customers or clients who have gone above and beyond to be flaming douchebags. Here is one of my favorites.

Josh M., Las Vegas, NV. GULPU

We originally started doing Tuesday wing night as an attempt to bring people into the restaurant mid week. Sure the wings were a wash at forty-nine cents a piece, but if every person who eats eight wings drinks one to two beers then the profits eventually add up. Most people do, which is why we still offer our mouth watering buffalo wings for so cheap. Unfortunately, our discounted delicious wings also attract people who should be 86ed from every restaurant they’ve ever step foot in.

They come dressed in tank tops, board shorts and flat brimmed baseball caps of teams they have never heard of. As they park mommy and daddy’s SUV in the handicap spot 10 little fucktards who have never bussed a table in their life slither out of the vehicle.

The hostess shudders when she sees them stumble through the door putting each other in headlocks as they do. They demand a table for ten and grow impatient when that’s not something we can accommodate due to the fact that every table in the restaurant is full.

Once their table is finally ready four to six more of them show up and just assume that they can add on extra chairs and tables as they see fit. When reminded that a restaurant isn’t their fucking  house they respond with an irrational succession of bro bombs best left to be ignored by an intelligent human being.

Instead of ordering a two dollar soda or a four dollar frosty beer of the week these kids sporting iced out watches, texting on their five hundred dollar phones and wearing designer sunglasses can’t seem to afford anything other than ice water. Not only that but each one of these ten people will require their waters to be refilled every five minutes.

It takes three of us to run their food. When we arrive at the table no one there seems to remember what it is they ordered leaving us standing around holding hot plates while these idiots discuss who got nine buffalo wings and who got eight barbecue wings.

After several minutes of playing wing sauce detective everyone has the food that they claimed they ordered. We ask if they are good and they respond with nods as they’ve already shoved their mouths full with wings as if it were their first meal since mommy and daddy dropped them off at college.

Midway through their meal and two of them claim we gave them the wrong wings. Of course this is after they have eaten half of them already. Inevitably they blame the server for messing up their order. I point out that five minutes ago not only did they not know what they ordered when they were asked if the plate in front of them was right they said yes.

We replace the wings, but honestly caving in to make these little shits happy makes me feel like keying “Hail To The Redskins” into the side of mommy and daddy’s SUV while they are busy rubbing their face in the giant stack of twenty wings which will only cost them ten dollars. Instead we nod and smile and check on them frequently throughout their meal as we do with every table.

Other then needing a refill on water and ranch they always say they are okay. We go through four to five gallons of ranch every Tuesday wing night and a large percentage of this ranch is going to this one table. They use so much ranch that you can no longer see the wing drowned in all that dressing. It’s to the point where we could charge people like this discounted ranch with a side of wings.

When the check comes they scoff at the amount and immediately demand that it be split. Splitting a check for ten people who can barely remember what the fuck they ate just five minutes before can be difficult and is always time consuming.

After finally figuring out who gets charged what there is always one or two of them who claim they are being charged for something they were never served. Again they blame the server even though when asked five to seven times if they were okay they never seemed to mention this mistake they were now so sure we had made.

Then these cheap little bastards have the nerve to leave my servers a penny because they were upset we wouldn’t let them order two hundred wings to go. The ones who can’t spare a penny leave nothing but a stack of gnawed wing bones and a pool of ranch dripping off the edge of their table. When these little schmucks die they will be waiting tables in hell and mommy and daddy won’t be there to ensure their hands steer clear of real work.

JOSH M., LAS VEGAS, NV. GULPU

If you like what you read above then we here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions suggest you sign up with your email here http://www.gulpu.com/

Our day is coming. August 12th experience review evolution, at GULPU.com.

P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT

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National Buy A Book Day

July 21, 2012

The recent release of LOVE LIFE, my second novel, was a stunning failure. The sales of this tale about main character Hunter Jack and his struggle to find love in his life were more than half what we were expecting. With the timing so close to National Buy A Book day this coming Sunday, the 22nd of July and the fevered anticipation for my next book after my award winning first novel, FIRST LIGHT, we thought for sure that copies of LOVE LIFE would fly off the shelves of Amazon.com faster than a pair of Hyena’s panties at a high school keg party.

As the author of this book I am personally disappointed by the lack of support for local literature. Depression struck me like a fist and sent me down a dark path that nearly led me to dangerous decisions. I stayed glued to my computer closely tracking the sales of my book. After hour three when we had still only sold two books I couldn’t take anymore.

I left GuerillaDeSwine Headquarters and found a dark pub to drown my sorrows with some Buffalo Trace and frosty pints. By my third round my spirits had worsened. What had triggered this is that the twenty-two year old smoking hot bartender was late in refilling my glasses because she was caught up reading some book called Twilight. I wondered what that was. It wasn’t long before I became enraged with jealousy. I left the pub abruptly on a mission to find out what this book that so engaged the kind of people I would want to read my book and stalk me was all about.

Back at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I used our state of the art computer full with internet and Microsoft Word 98 and was able to figure out that this book wasn’t just popular amongst hot female bartenders, but with women of all ages. Apparently it is the story of a transvestite teenage vampire who likes to wear makeup and glitter that has sex with his neighbor’s dog and turns the poor puppy into a werewolf who also likes to wear glitter and makeup. The whole time the transvestite seduces whatever hot teenager, boy or girl that it comes in contact with.

At first I was outraged that such a stupid and superficial concept would be so popular while my well-crafted story rich with drama, comedy and plot twists toiled in anonymity. I was faced with only two options. Quit writing and return to my old job as a ditch digger, or I could become a successful writer the only way that seemed possible, by totally selling out. Just as I finished my letter of resignation to my bosses at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I sobered up from my earlier binge at the bar and it dawned on me that giving up wasn’t going to solve anything. It had been my lifelong dream to be a successful writer who rocked jewelry and smacked strippers in the face with dollar bills. If I had to sell out in order to achieve a lifestyle the likes of such literary lore then so be it.

From this revelation my next writing project was born. It was going to be called The White Knuckle of Justice. It was the story (spoiler alert) of a teenage George Washington, who long before having presidential aspirations was called upon for a much more important job as a licensed zombie hunter. While other kids his age slept with their cousins and wasted their time with arithmetic, teenage George Washington was out slaying the undead with a wooden stake he personally carved out of an apple tree. Before long Mallory, the head of the high school cheerleading squad, falls for the studly future president and their love for each other forms a bond not even a zombie can break. That is, until a zombie breaks this bond by killing Mallory and turning her into the undead. In a tear jerking conclusion George is forced to decide what is more important, killing zombies, or trying to save his undead ex.

When I submitted this manuscript idea to the powers that be at GuerillaDeSwine Productions they locked me in a dungeon where they fed me nothing but Bud Light and peanut shells while forcing me to watch Howard Stern on his new television show so I could truly understand the meaning of selling out. I emerged from this darkness a re-born author: one not concerned with monetary rewards but with the commitment to returning our nation’s eyes to literature.

This Sunday, July 22nd will be the first step towards doing that. National Buy A Book Day is a chance for Americans everywhere to put down their remotes or computer mice and go to their local book store or pub and support the written word. Anyone in the Southern California area is encouraged to celebrate at the LOVE LIFE book signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille in San Marcos, CA. at 4pm this Sunday. There will be food for you, the general drunken public to consume, and if it all gets eaten never fear for it is happy hour all day which means there are food and drink specials.

If this book signing doesn’t go well I may try my hand at writing screenplays for reality television. It seems to me like as long as your show is about backwood rednecks or snaggle toothed gypsies you have a recipe for success. Unfortunately in order to be able to write reality television shows you need surgery to remove the creative part of your brain, so once you cross that line there is no coming back. That is not the desired outcome, but without the support of you, the general drunken public this Sunday, it could turn out to be my unfortunate reality. Save me from selling out my literary soul by drinking and eating with me at the LOVE LIFE book signing/release party. Bring books, breasts and babies for me to sign and I will gladly oblige.

P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT

Every Night Amateur

July 14, 2012

The term amateur night is usually used to describe New Year’s Eve. It is the one night a year where everybody who never goes to the bar decides that New Year’s is the night to do so. Any veteran drinker knows to stay away from even their most regular of establishments on such a night to avoid being surrounded by virginal bar goers spewing curdled car bombs all over the bar as they blow furiously on squeaky noise makers.

I’m here to say that it’s not just on New Year’s Eve that you, the general drunken public, should be wary of amateurs. On a nightly and on some nights an hourly basis I witness people doing some really stupid shit that makes you wonder whether or not they are mentally challenged in some way. Unfortunately they usually aren’t. It is much more likely that they are every night amateurs.

Every night amateurs behave in a manner that suggests that they have never been to a bar before in their entire life. This is not true. These people have been to bars before and some of them on a semi-regular basis. Despite this they still don’t realize that there is a certain way you are supposed to act in a public setting where alcohol is being served.

For example don’t bang on the bar, ever. Never reach into my fruit caddy or you will feel the wrath of my iron clad bottle opener, also known as Excalibur, which has bruised the shit out of many a fruit stealing fingers. When you approach a bar always have your id and money ready so that a transaction that should only take thirty seconds doesn’t turn into a five minute ordeal. If you don’t want to be labeled an every night amateur then use common sense and realize that if a bartender overhears you telling the total stranger sitting next you that he is over tipping, you most likely will never get served at that bar again.

The latest every night amateur trend seems to be ordering a drink and then walking away. That way when I return with their drink they are nowhere to be found. Nothing is more frustrating to a bartender who is busy then to have to seek a customer out to serve them. I’m not sure of the logic behind walking away after placing an order. It’s not like it’s going to take me fifteen minutes to fill a glass with some ice and some vodka cranberry. I didn’t give you a number and tell you we would call you over the loudspeaker when your order was up so why in the hell would you ever walk away right after asking me to make you something that takes fifteen seconds?

Every night amateurs come in couples some times. You can spot them because they will be the unattractive pair sloppily making out while sitting at the bar with no regard for anyone who happens to be around them. Drunken public displays of affection are the worst kind. Not only are they sloppy but they are noisy so that every smack of lips, lick of tongues or gnashing of teeth can be heard by anyone within five stools of the nasty couple. Visible tongue twisting and neck slurping can cause many a stomachs to turn. The worst is when this already disgusting display of every night amateur foreplay leads to an under the jacket hand job. When this occurs it must be stopped immediately or else spilled beer and melted water won’t be the only substances staining your bar.

The older an every night amateur is the more difficult they are to deal with. They have been acting like jackasses in public for so long that they actually believe that their behavior is acceptable. This makes every action of an older every night amateur much more extreme. What that means is they will be louder, dumber and more offensive than possibly any person you have ever come across. That also means that when they start making out with whatever other ancient fossil they come across who happens to be just as horny as them that their drunken public display of affection will always end with either an 86ing or a bar sprayed down with elderly semen.

We as bar employees deserve some blame for the high number of older every night amateurs that are out there. If they have been acting in such a moronic way for so long that means somebody somewhere should have said something like, “Hey asshole how about you stop whistling and calling me sweet cheeks or else I’m going to rip your tongue out of your mouth and smack the shit out of you with it.” Any bar owner who doesn’t allow his or her staff to properly police and educate the animal-like behavior that goes on at every bar in the world is doing you, the general drunken public, a disservice. If you don’t call an every night amateur out they will act like a dickbag for the rest of their lives and most likely raise a family of half-wit dickbags that will terrorize innocent bar employees and regulars until the end of time.

The worst offense an every night amateur can perform is the defamation of a check book or credit card receipt. If you don’t want to tip that’s fine, there is a special restaurant in hell you will be waiting tables at when you die, but being cheap is your right. However, vulgarities of any kind found on company property are unacceptable. That means that slipping a condom in a checkbook, drawing a penis or making obscene comments or simply writing fuck you on a credit card receipt will be met with swift action. Disrespectful behavior such as that is an abomination wrapped in an abomination marinated in hot sauce topped with melted Gouda served on a cheese cracker and should result in public humiliation, aggressive 86ing and, possibly, leg breaking.

P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK TO THE RIGHT

Buy My Book

July 7, 2012

The United States has just announced that starting this year July 22nd will for now on be known as National Buy a Book Day. America has done so in an effort to encourage not just young people, but everyone to read more. To honor this yearly holiday major cable providers have agreed to only play re-runs of Christian Bale’s new reality TV show “I am a Robot” in an effort to make American’s shut their television’s off. Book stores all over the country will be offering discounts on all books for this one day only and avid readers will have an opportunity to stock up on all the books they always wanted but couldn’t afford.

As the head of the literature department here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I can safely say on behalf of our entire company we applaud our fine country’s decision to honor reading. We have supported the bill endorsing National Buy a Book Day since the first day it was introduced to Congress. It has been a long time coming as is anything with the government, but for once it looks like somebody somewhere finally got something right.

To help celebrate National Buy a Book Day we have decided to release Love Life, which is the long awaited second novel by yours truly, on Friday the 13th of July, 2012. That Friday copies of Love Life will be available on Amazon.com and on Kindle as well. It will be an honor to have my novel released when not only reading books, but more importantly, buying books is a nationally imposed policy. We have decided to release Love Life right before National Buy A Book Day not just for me, but for the Nation. Many people have inquired when my second novel would be released and we believe giving the people the book they want will help draw readers out to help celebrate National Buy a Book Day.

Love Life is the story of Hunter Jack whose name will soon be tattooed on my left arm. Hunter Jack comes from money and tragedy. Due to heartbreak early in his life he has become obsessed with his own death. A social outcast, Hunter struggles through high school and college. His self-inflicted solitude inspires him to become an aspiring author. Repeated rejection of his words drives him to the brink of fulfilling his suicidal destiny. These desperate thoughts end when the lovely Karenelise moves in next door. Hunter falls for her and discovers that life might have more than heartbreak to offer. When Karenelise’s dangerous past catches up to her, Hunter is thrust into a violent fight to protect the only reason he has left to continue living.

There will be a book release/signing party for Love Life the night of National Buy a Book day. It stands to be the keynote event on a day loaded with action packed literary activities. It will be the first time Love Life will be available for purchase directly from me, the author. We will be hosting the Love Life book signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille in San Marcos, CA. Churchill’s is widely known throughout the country as being the best craft beer bar in the entire world so releasing my second novel there is an honor.  I would like to personally thank publican Ivan Derezin for supporting our nation’s dedication to reading. There will be specials on draft beer, appetizers and well drinks so bring a thirst not just for literature but for booze and food as well.

In addition to being able to purchase copies of my new book Love Life at the book release/signing party; I will also have very limited copies of the Author’s Cut of First Light, my first novel. It is a special edition that includes the audio book read by the internationally known bartender and penalty kick goaltender Tony Dowson. This is the only time this edition of First Light will be available until I order more copies from the publisher. If you buy a copy of either book or even bring copies of either book with you to the signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille I will sign them all for free. If you want to bring books written by other author’s I will sign those as well for a dollar a letter. At some point during the release/signing party of Love Life we will have a group reading session to honor National Buy a Book Day.

On Sunday July 22nd, the first annual National Buy a Book day Americans everywhere will be encouraged to get out to book stores and start buying all the books they always wished they had. Everyone is then encouraged to end this National day for literary hijinks at Churchill’s Pub and Grille where Churchill’s and GuerillaDeSwine Productions will be co- hosting the Love Life book signing/release party at 4 pm. It promises to be a wonderful day of celebration, but what is most important to remember is that America wants you to buy more books, beginning with Love Life, by Jonathan Avella.


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