Archive for September, 2012

Officially Awful

September 26, 2012

I made myself two promises at the beginning of this football season. One was that I wasn’t going to freak out about Robert Griffin III just because he had a few good games. As a Redskins fan we have been searching for a quarterback ever since a coke-crazed underage prostitute banging Lawrence Taylor snapped Joe Theismann’s  leg in two. Names such as Heath Shuler, Gus Frerotte, John Beck, John Friesz, Mark Brunell and Rex Grossman (aka RG1) still send shivers down my spine. The Redskin’s past failures at the most important position in all of sports is what led me to promise myself to be overly patient with RG3.

My second promise was that I wasn’t going to freak out about the replacement referees if they had a few bad games. They are after all human and are allowed to make mistakes just like the rest of us. These scabs have been put in a difficult position and I originally wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. After three weeks of football that barely resembles the sport I have grown to love I have decided that neither the league nor the replacement referees deserves anything but doubt.

Every game has been marred by bad calls, confusion and a pace that makes baseball look like the hundred yard dash. Fans are suffering from heart burn and frustration after each erroneous flag that requires a ten minute huddle that results in a bullshit roughing the passer call. Gamblers are losing money and possibly limbs every time a scab overrules another scab and gives games away because the home crowd told him to. Not to mention that most of these games because a lack of control by the officials have at times been both boring and damn near unwatchable.

Do you hear that Roger Goodell and all you old rich white men? If not, consider this a newsflash for all NFL owners and their commissioner who care much more about making ridiculous amounts of money than the players whose backs have been broken and fans whose wallets have been emptied on the way to building the NFL into an empire rather than a corporation, your product is boring. Unfortunately the NFL has such a stranglehold over the American public that players and fans the people who truly make the league what it is have no say or control over the future of the sport.

All the power lies in Goodell and the owners hands despite the fact that the money that is generated has nothing to do with anything they do. When was the last time you shelled out $150 for a Chargers game because you wanted to see Dean Spanos. The only reason a Charger fan would pay to see Dean Spanos was if he was in a dunk tank with a bulls eye behind him and the water below was swarming with old rich white man craving piranhas.

Goodell believed he could use his immense power to fuck the real referees and when they refused to be treated like cattle he puffed out his chest and turned this lockout into a pissing contest. Now I will not lie, when I first heard that the real referees were out I barely batted an eye. Whether I did so out of hope or stupidity I was wrong and knew so as soon as week one was over. The experiment in my opinion was over and it had failed, miserably.

Not Goodell. He went out of his way to support these scabs who can’t even remember whether intentional grounding is on the quarterback or safety.  Week two and the scabs were even worse and the games even harder to watch. Blinded by ignorance and arrogance Goodell continued to support the scabs and went as far as writing a letter to each organization threatening coaches who he thought were berating the scabs. Guess what? Week three was worse than anyone could have imagined yet Goodell is still posturing. It’s a shame because this season has a lot of great storylines but the only topic anyone is talking about is the atrocious officiating.

One of those great stories is Robert Griffin III. My personal promise to remain patient about this kid disappeared the moment he connected on an 80 yard touchdown to my favorite waiter Pierre Garcon.  RG3 is for real and has shown the potential to be one of the elite players in this league for a very long time.

Now I know this has only been over a three game span, but in those three games RG3 is 60 for 89 for 747 yards with four touchdowns and one interception. He is averaging eight yards a pass, completing 67% of his passes for a quarterback rating of 103.5. He has also rushed the ball for 209 yards averaging six yards a carry and has scored four times on the ground. To put that in perspective Tom Brady is completing 66% of his passes averaging seven yards a pass. Brady has thrown the same number of touchdowns and interceptions and has a quarterback rating of 97 without the rushing yards or touchdowns.

With numbers like that along with his intelligence and charisma the only thing that could possibly stop RG3 from being a superstar is the threat of injury. Football is a violent sport especially for a quarterback who likes to run and every time you leave the pocket the risk for injury increases. Another way to increase the threat of injury to your quarterback is for a coach or offensive coordinator to call plays that put that player directly in harm’s way.

What that means is this is the NFL not the ACC and many a quarterbacks have been crushed in the past to prove that the triple option doesn’t work in the pros. These defensive players are too fast and smart to fall for an offense that even college has gone away from. This is not the Air Force Academy Kyle and Mike Shanahan and if you continue to allow the defense to take free shots at RG3 then either he will get hurt or the fans will eventually run you out of town. To see a kid with this much potential get hurt because his coach can’t come up with an NFL ready game plan would be a disgrace.

This young NFL season has already seen enough disgrace over three weeks to last a lifetime. Games have been decided not by the players us fans pay to see but by old rich white men and scab officials who don’t know their asshole from their elbow. If this farce of a lockout continues fans will stop watching games. It won’t be immediate Roger Goodell but when it happens it will be swift. You may think the average fan is a moron but I believe that your greed and arrogance will eventually ruin the sport we thought never could be and the morons you care so little about will find other ways to entertain themselves.

Advertisements

GULPU.com Wins!

September 1, 2012

The day has finally arrived. Review evolution is upon us ladies and gentlemen. GULPU.com went live to you, the general drunken public yesterday at 1pm. I would like to thank you all for the patience you have shown in the face of great anticipation for GULPU’s release. There have been some bumps along the road which I can only speak about vaguely as my lawyers have advised me to be less open about my legal affairs.

The latest and perhaps the most laughable was this past week when “someone” hacked into my twitter account. I think we all know who this someone was. It was a bush league attempt at sabotaging my social media outlets in a last ditch attempt to ensure that GULPU.com never went live. After kidnappings, full body cavity searches, unjust arrests and torture, this amateurish stunt did little more than make me change a bunch of passwords which I do every five days anyways.

I would like to thank my web designer, who after having many attempts on his life since being hired at GuerillaDeSwine Productions has requested to remain anonymous, for being a real trooper despite the loss of one or more limbs. It has been a team effort and the reward will be reading all the wonderful reviews that you, the general drunken public have surely been drafting since the first time you found out about the site that puts the power back into the hands of hard working people everywhere.

No longer will we sit idly by while people treat us like servants just because our industry is in pleasing paying customers. Unfortunately, as soon as you empower the consumer the right to dictate every aspect of business service becomes tricky. Now with the internet and a certain four letter site that shall not legally be named people have opened fire on the customer service industry and the hard working people who work within it. GULPU.com is our opportunity to fire back.

It’s simple. You sign up at http://www.gulpu.com/ with an anonymous username and your email and then have a chance to browse one of the many, highly entertaining reviews that people like you have already posted and even comment on the ones you really like. Or you can simply click the Start A New Review button and write your way into review evolution. The release you will feel will be like losing your virginity every time you submit a new review.

It is important to remember that we here at GULPU.com highly encourage that you remain ANONYMOUS. With all the heat we have already felt just for developing GULPU GuerillaDeSwine Productions will not be held responsible if something unsavory or illegal happens to you because you use your real name or say where you work.

We also encourage GULPU.com members to share both good and bad experiences that they have had when working in the customer service industry. There will be a rating system of shot glasses so you will be able to score each individual review. For example if while bartending a beautiful blonde sat at your bar all night drinking whiskey and then tips you with a fifty, a blowjob, and an invitation to a future threesome with her and her twin sister then you should probably award her five shot glasses.

However, if some giant twat who tried to bang his busted girlfriend in the ladies room wants to fight you because you tell him he has a nice purse bro then you would most likely rate this negative experience with just one shot glass. The reviews that have been posted by members so far are so entertaining that I was late to two different legal hearings because I couldn’t stop reading what members of the GULPU.com community had written so far.

GULPU.com isn’t just for restaurant or bar employees; it is for anyone who provides service that is paid for by a customer.  Whether you are in retail, work in a call center, are a sales rep or any customer related business GULPU.com is interested in sharing your experiences with others who go through similar encounters with people even if they work in a different industry. In fact my favorite GULPU review so far was written by a local stripper who complained that when giving a lap dance a customer insisted she call him Tim Tebow as she did. That’s what GULPU.com is all about, giving hard working people the right to talk about the honest work they do.

The first twenty reviewers will be GULPU.com VIP members who will receive limited edition shirts this Monday, September 3rd at the GULPU Website Release Party. The party is at 3725 Jefferson St. in Carlsbad, CA. and begins at 3pm. The VIP shirts, designed by Underground Artist of the Year Joe Anderson, will only be available this one time so hurry up and sign up so you can write a review. There will be regular GULPU.com shirts as well as books for sale at the party so bring your wallet and five friends who want to support local literature. Food and live music by DJ SAVEE and the Paragraphs is also on the agenda so don’t be late this Labor Day.

GULPU.com has been a long time in the works and everyone here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions is very proud to be part of such a noble endeavor. Keep those reviews coming and let your soul go free as you unburden your mind from years of working hard to please customers. It’s time to have your voice heard by people who are just like you. It’s time we told websites like the four letter one that legally shall not be named that we will not be treated like animals. It’s time for all of us to experience review evolution at http://www.gulpu.com/

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!


%d bloggers like this: