Archive for November, 2012

Thanks Given

November 24, 2012

Ever since I was a young boy Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Hanging out with the people you love the most plus turkey plus football equals the greatest day of the year. Now as a grownup I appreciate it even more as I realize that there are many people and places and things that I am very thankful for. When I was younger I used to think it was stupid when my mother would make everyone at the table take a moment to talk about what they were thankful for, but nowadays I think that is an important part of my favorite holiday so I figured why not share mine with you, the general drunken public.

First and foremost I am thankful for my family, friends and beautiful fiancé. Without these loved ones I would not be the man that I am today. I am thankful to work at Churchill’s Pub and Grille the greatest craft food/beer pub with the best staff in the entire world. While our competitors choose to serve suspect mac and cheese or promote club night with DJ Glowstick or offer drink specials where when you buy a pint you get a $2 shot of 151 and a free match we at Churchill’s do what we have always done, offer great service and freshly prepared food served alongside delicious beer.

I am thankful to Stone Brewery who honored me with the right of being the first person to break the news of their special San Diego Beer Week beer release. Sales on Stone Lite, Stone Hef and Stone Original have been through the roof but the top seller has been Stone Bro of which they have sold so much they are running out of donkey piss to fill the bottles with.

I am thankful to Human Female Hyenas who prowl the night with a hint of flavored vodka and semen on their breath. Without these pack hunting skanks men in bars all across the country would be lost at last call left only with the option of going home alone and whacking off to internet porn. A word of advice to all you lonesome losers getting laid by women older than your mother wrap that shit up B.

I am thankful for hipsters. Without them homeless people would have no one dressed the same as them. I love to watch a group of hipsters sip on poor man’s PBR while wearing two hundred dollar cardigans as they bitch over the infection their cock ring gave them.

I am thankful to reality television for keeping backwoods rednecks, teenage whores and rich white housewives current in our modern society. Without it how else would any of those people make a living that didn’t involve ditch digging, dick sucking or spending other people’s money.

I am thankful to Tim Tebow for being the most talked about backup quarterback/punt protector in the history of football. Without him ESPN would go out of business. I am also very thankful for Robert Griffin III for being the best player in the league, being highly attractive but mainly because he is not Tim Tebow.

I am thankful to bad parents especially when they display their bad parenting in public. While their misbehaving kids are obnoxious and the parents disinterested they act as one of the strongest forms of birth control on the market, and it’s free. I believe high school kids should be trapped in a room with bad parents as a way to deter teen pregnancy which is rampant in this country. Bad parents also make those women who are in long term relationships and can’t wait to have a kid think twice about poking holes in their boyfriend’s condoms.

I am thankful to bad tippers, bros, whistlers and people who believe they know everything about the bar business because they bartended their frat’s homo erotic initiation all male mixer one night. While at times these schmucks make my life a living hell they also put my job into perspective. For every coked up whore who accuses me of not pouring any vodka in her eighteenth vodka red bull there is a regular who is friendly, polite, funny and tips well. Without the customers who make me tell them to go fuck themselves I might fail to appreciate the importance of all the regulars who make this world wonderful.

Lastly I would like to thank the twenty-two year old skank from last night who told me I was going to die of a heart attack because I wouldn’t serve her or her boyfriend who was dressed like Brandon Lee from The Crow. I guess I’m not thankful to her personally but more to the fact that a whore of her caliber will someday die a painful death from one of the many STD’s she has contracted from her years of trolling street corners and that fact brings a thankful smile to my face.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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Stone Bro

November 3, 2012

In honor of San Diego Beer Week which started Friday, November 2nd, internationally beloved microbrewery and distributor of other microbreweries, Stone Brewery, has just announced the release of four new beers. They believe these new beers will solidify their title of making the best craft beer in all of San Diego which, in the beer community, means the world. The announcement has beer aficionados from all over foaming at the mouth in anticipation of what promises to be some of the best new beers to ever be released.

For years Stone has been accused of not making a beer palatable to those people who prefer light beer. Usually the brewers at Stone prefer to make complex full flavored beers that please the palate of a more refined beer drinker. In an attempt to turn more people onto craft beer Stone decided to brew Stone Lite, an American Lager that is literally so light that you can’t even taste it. Best served in a chilled glass over ice, Stone Lite has an alcohol by volume of 3.9% and as of Friday can be found at every bar in the State.

Stone is famous for not making fizzy, yellow beer which is normally what an American lager resembles and Stone Lite is no different. It is extremely fizzy but it looks more like water so it isn’t yellow, but see-through. Some might say making a beer like Stone Lite is selling out, but I see it as a bridge to a whole new set of customers.

Guys who play in six different adult softball leagues who roll into bars with the sleeves cut off of their shirts that normally order 12 Bud Lights could now be satisfied with a Stone Lite which tastes like nothing as opposed to tasting like shit. Or that classy broad who likes to down 9 Corona’s on a Tuesday afternoon and then go down on whatever unlucky guy is within two stools of her can say that she is a craft beer drinker.

Stone Hef, named for the great Hugh Hefner is the second beer Stone will be releasing in honor of San Diego Beer Week 2012. Stone Hef is a hefeweizen, a German style wheat beer. Most fans of hefeweizen’s here in America like to garnish their wheat beer with an orange or lemon. If you were to tell old, most likely racist, German brewers that young American’s were garnishing their hefeweizens with whatever fruit is readily available they would firebomb us.

Their explanation of such a violent act would be that by introducing a variable from outside the conventional way the beer has been brewed you ruin the beer’s natural flavor and thus make all their hard work go to shit. Stone has never been one to stick to conventional brewing methods and encourages those that choose to enjoy Stone Hef to garnish it with an avocado slice which is also a sign of support for local avocado growers all over Southern California.

Stone Original is going to be an exotic blend of Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale. Now, all those idiots who think that Stone Brewery only makes those two beers can enjoy them both in one bottle. You might think that a brewery of Stone’s production and popularity wouldn’t have to deal with being stereotyped, but it happens on a daily basis.

Stone Original takes the thinking out ordering a beer for those people ignorant enough to truly believe that Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale are the only beers made by Stone Brewery. People all the time who claim that Stone is their favorite brewery and that every beer they make is delicious will turn their nose up when you inform them that you don’t have Stone IPA or Stone Pale. Then when you offer them another Stone alternative they look at you like you’re an asshole.

Yeah, I’m the asshole because what lover of Stone Brewery would ever want anything other than the IPA or Pale? It’s these schmucks that Stone hopes to reach out to with Stone Original. What if a bar doesn’t carry it, what then you ask? Never fear Stone has informed all its accounts that in order to keep getting beer from Stone they must carry Stone Original all the time, forever.

The fourth and final beer Stone plans to release for San Diego Beer Week is called Stone Bro. They have promised that it will be their most arrogant and boldest beer ever. The story behind Stone Bro is that hundreds of bartenders from all over Southern California wrote or called Stone Brewery complaining about the way some Stone customers order their beer.

As any smart company should Stone Brewery did whatever it could to please the masses. That’s why they made Stone Bro. It is one hundred percent donkey urine served warm straight out of the bottle because anyone who walks up to a bar and orders a Stone, bro, deserves to drink animal piss.

Happy San Diego Beer Week!

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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