Posts Tagged ‘binge drinking’

Hops and Heat 2016

June 3, 2016

Do you like eating food that makes you sweat profusely and turn red? Do you like crying during your meal? Do you enjoy washing fuck your face spicy dishes down with freshly made IPA’s brewed by some of the most talented brewers in the world? If you answered “fuck yeah!” to any or all of those questions, then you are in luck. Hops and Heat 2016 is here and as a result your life is now complete.

Saturday June 11 at Churchill’s Pub and Grille is the third installment of Hops and Heat one of our three annual craft beer and craft food events. Chef AG Warfield and his staff of lunatics created this event after a day of binge drinking, chicken fighting and chili cooking. One of Chef Warfield’s flunkies made a chili with a shit ton of ghost peppers in it rendering it nearly inedible.

After a few too many pints by all, the young cook challenged Chef Warfield to eat a certain amount of his melt your flesh chili. Money was wagered and beers were poured. Chef Warfield crushed the chili in between sips from a fresh batch of Team Freeman Brewing’s latest IPA. The pain of the chili was excruciating to palate, but the deliciousness of the IPA made it briefly blissful. This bliss was immediately replaced with horrific pain. Chef Warfield won the money but might have lost the fight.

The next morning while still feeling the awful after effects of what he ate Chef Warfield was inspired. He wanted to bring that moment of bliss to you, the general drunken public. More than that bliss though he wished to inflict the blinding pain he felt on paying customers. Hence Hops and Heat was born. It’s the one day a year we can actually guarantee you will regret coming into the pub.

The beers will be some of the most hoppy IPA’s you have ever tasted, including a few the Churchill’s Pub and Grille staff was fortunate enough to help brew: Artifex “Sober in the Morning”, Mother Earth “Sinister Prime Minister” and Pizza Port Carlsbad “They Gon”. We will also be tapping in oldies but still very goodies like Russian River “Blind Pig” and “Pliny the Elder”.

Two of our full time favorites Societe “The Pupil” and Bear Republic “Churchill’s X” will also be on in addition to 35 of the best IPA’s you can get anywhere, ever all being poured alongside each other. From Bend, Oregon to Kalamazoo, Michigan we challenge breweries participating to produce their best IPAs and they gladly deliver. Several of the brewers will be in attendance on Saturday sharing pints and plates of spicy food.

The food is broken down in three categories: Bitten which is damn that’s hot, infected which is why am I doing this to myself? and the Undead which might kill you but if it does you will rise from the dead to roam the earth.

If you have ever eaten at Churchill’s then you know how tight our Chile Popper game is. Saturday a new height will be reached. How about a jalapeno stuffed with a ghost pepper stuffed with a Carolina Reaper, habanero cheese and bacon that’s then battered and deep fried? It’s the start of shark attack season so to help kick that off we will be serving mako shark seasoned with Caribbean Green spice topped with jalapeno slaw and habanero aioli on a ciabatta bun.

Then there’s The Devil’s Short Ribs. Beef short ribs prepared with Carolina Reapers and Ghost peppers with Tabasco mash and root vegetables topped with a chipotle chocolate sauce. The food isn’t just hot it is delicious. That is where we get you. You want to stop eating; you have to stop eating but you can’t because the flavor is just too good.

Hops and Heat 2016 is Saturday June 11 at Churchill’s Pub and Grille. Get ready for the best IPA’s paired with the tastiest, spiciest food you are going to find anywhere. You aren’t dealing with some over glorified line cooks here. We are professionals and take our heat very seriously. I look forward to watching you, the general drunken public burn and then ask for more. “Yes sir, here is that glass of milk you just offered to suck my dick for. That will be ten dollars.”

 

 

 

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SAWC

October 6, 2012

I am going to release my own reality television network. I figure why let rednecks, gypsy whores and spoiled rich white women be the only ones to capitalize on producing terrible television that by the minute lowers our nation’s combined IQ. It doesn’t take much to entertain the general American Public, that has been made painfully clear by networks like Bravo and MTV that have pretty much junked any intelligent programming in favor of shows that glorify some of human beings worst qualities.

It is not surprising that in a nation filled with people who are fascinated with accidents, that these same people would be completely engrossed with television shows that make them feel better about their lives no matter how shitty they are. If you are feeling down then flip on the television and I bet you will find five different people who are doing worse, and not only that, they are proud of it.

I first thought that Americans being obsessed with reality television was just a ridiculous fad but upon further thought it looks like I gave my fellow countrymen a little too much credit. My notion that people would realize that watching shows about sixteen year old girls who are too stupid to realize that they are fucked for life only makes them being pregnant look better to the people who watch them. Why glorify ignorance? That will only lead more people down a path of lifelong ignorance a future our country seems obsessed with reaching.

At first I was greatly discouraged by this discovery and went into a dark state of depression that included binge drinking and a David Duchovny marathon. This depressive state went on for three weeks until I had a moment of clarity on the subject. If America wants television programming that glorifies the worst attributes of our species than that is exactly what they deserve to get and if it can make me a millionaire so rich that I never have to interact with the people who watch reality television that would be even better.

That is why I am releasing SAWC (stupid Americans watch crap) my new television network that will be available on all local cable providers as well as on DIRECTV and DISH network tomorrow. SAWC will be dedicated to broadcasting the most mind numbing and IQ lowering reality television out there. Now I know that is a tall order with awesome shows like My Gypsy Wedding and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but I have a crack staff of crackheads working around the clock and the pipe to come up with innovative ways to capture the short spanned attention of Americans.

In doing so we have come up with some exciting shows that we think will have Americans losing their jobs because they just simply can’t turn off SAWC. Tomorrow night we will premier Human Female Hyena Hunters an hour long look into middle aged skanks who troll late night bars in search of dick prey. Watch as they feast on innocent young men too drunk and horny to realize that they are being lured into the den of a pack of Human Female Hyenas. Once there few make it out without an STD and always leave with a scarred perspective of all women over forty.

Monday nights will be highlighted by The For Real Housewives of South Central. We went out and found wives of real life gangsters and followed them around to find out what makes these powerful women tick. It is a fascinating look into the world of banging frames and bitch smacking that you will never want to miss.

Tuesday nights will be Real Life Celebrity Surprise where our crew personally kidnaps real life celebrities and drops them into life threatening scenarios. Season one features Jay Leno waking up to find himself tied to a post in the middle of a burning building with a knife in his right hand shirt pocket and thirty minutes to get out of it. Also featured is Sarah Palin on a plane whose pilot evacuates as soon as the plane reaches its proper flying height. Watch in hilarity as the former vice presidential candidate scrambles around in a frantic attempt to save her life. I will admit these shows sound extreme but I assure you that none of the celebrities featured die, except Christian Bale.

Inspired by UFC and my great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) I am proud to say that Wednesday nights on SAWC will feature the Marine Life Fighting Hour. Aquatic creatures of all species and weight class will be locked in an underground octagon and forced to fight each other for various belts as well as the coveted MFLH fighter of the week award. Episode one kicks off with a gator versus a bull shark, a dolphin versus a squid and the heavyweight championship bout, a great white shark versus a killer whale. Any true fight fan will not want to miss Marine Life Fighting Hour.

Homeless Person Survivor will debut Thursday night. Watch as we take old rich white people and place them on an abandoned city block in Detroit in the middle of winter with nothing but a pair of torn khaki’s and torn sweater, a forty ounce of Olde English in a brown paper bag and half a pack of wet matches. We instruct all homeless shelters to deny the contestants entry in an effort to ensure the integrity of the show. Our cameras follow these people as they struggle to find food, water and a warm enough place to stay to survive the frigid night. Whoever lives the longest gets to defend their title in Season 2’s Homeless Person Survivor New York City.

We here at SAWC recognize that not everyone has the ability to compete due to being mentally disabled or physically challenged in some way. In an effort to give people like that a chance at competition and glory every Friday night we will show the Incestual Olympics. These games will be modeled after the Special Olympics and each week we will travel to a different southern town and recruit those poor souls left without normal human functions due to the fact that their mother is their father’s sister.

Last but not least we will release my favorite show on the SAWC network, 60 and Pregnant. Watch as these grannies not only get impregnated by random guys but follow them through the dangerous birth process all the way to them trying to make it as a senior citizen single mother. Hearts and hips will be broken as 60 and Pregnant guarantees to make you scream, vomit and cry.

SAWC looks forward to satisfying every Americans desire to rot their brains with mind numbingly awful television shows that showcase and glorify all that is wrong with society. I am proud to say that I hope my contribution to the dumbing down of our nation will make me filthy stinking rich so I may live in a house in the mountains safe from the moronic discussions that reality television inspires. I hope you all enjoy SAWC and it’s wonderful reality television programming and always remember if watching people destroy their lives doesn’t entertain you, then you sir or madam are not American.


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