Posts Tagged ‘booze’

Buy My Book

July 7, 2012

The United States has just announced that starting this year July 22nd will for now on be known as National Buy a Book Day. America has done so in an effort to encourage not just young people, but everyone to read more. To honor this yearly holiday major cable providers have agreed to only play re-runs of Christian Bale’s new reality TV show “I am a Robot” in an effort to make American’s shut their television’s off. Book stores all over the country will be offering discounts on all books for this one day only and avid readers will have an opportunity to stock up on all the books they always wanted but couldn’t afford.

As the head of the literature department here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I can safely say on behalf of our entire company we applaud our fine country’s decision to honor reading. We have supported the bill endorsing National Buy a Book Day since the first day it was introduced to Congress. It has been a long time coming as is anything with the government, but for once it looks like somebody somewhere finally got something right.

To help celebrate National Buy a Book Day we have decided to release Love Life, which is the long awaited second novel by yours truly, on Friday the 13th of July, 2012. That Friday copies of Love Life will be available on Amazon.com and on Kindle as well. It will be an honor to have my novel released when not only reading books, but more importantly, buying books is a nationally imposed policy. We have decided to release Love Life right before National Buy A Book Day not just for me, but for the Nation. Many people have inquired when my second novel would be released and we believe giving the people the book they want will help draw readers out to help celebrate National Buy a Book Day.

Love Life is the story of Hunter Jack whose name will soon be tattooed on my left arm. Hunter Jack comes from money and tragedy. Due to heartbreak early in his life he has become obsessed with his own death. A social outcast, Hunter struggles through high school and college. His self-inflicted solitude inspires him to become an aspiring author. Repeated rejection of his words drives him to the brink of fulfilling his suicidal destiny. These desperate thoughts end when the lovely Karenelise moves in next door. Hunter falls for her and discovers that life might have more than heartbreak to offer. When Karenelise’s dangerous past catches up to her, Hunter is thrust into a violent fight to protect the only reason he has left to continue living.

There will be a book release/signing party for Love Life the night of National Buy a Book day. It stands to be the keynote event on a day loaded with action packed literary activities. It will be the first time Love Life will be available for purchase directly from me, the author. We will be hosting the Love Life book signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille in San Marcos, CA. Churchill’s is widely known throughout the country as being the best craft beer bar in the entire world so releasing my second novel there is an honor.  I would like to personally thank publican Ivan Derezin for supporting our nation’s dedication to reading. There will be specials on draft beer, appetizers and well drinks so bring a thirst not just for literature but for booze and food as well.

In addition to being able to purchase copies of my new book Love Life at the book release/signing party; I will also have very limited copies of the Author’s Cut of First Light, my first novel. It is a special edition that includes the audio book read by the internationally known bartender and penalty kick goaltender Tony Dowson. This is the only time this edition of First Light will be available until I order more copies from the publisher. If you buy a copy of either book or even bring copies of either book with you to the signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille I will sign them all for free. If you want to bring books written by other author’s I will sign those as well for a dollar a letter. At some point during the release/signing party of Love Life we will have a group reading session to honor National Buy a Book Day.

On Sunday July 22nd, the first annual National Buy a Book day Americans everywhere will be encouraged to get out to book stores and start buying all the books they always wished they had. Everyone is then encouraged to end this National day for literary hijinks at Churchill’s Pub and Grille where Churchill’s and GuerillaDeSwine Productions will be co- hosting the Love Life book signing/release party at 4 pm. It promises to be a wonderful day of celebration, but what is most important to remember is that America wants you to buy more books, beginning with Love Life, by Jonathan Avella.

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The Bad Bartender Chronicles II

March 24, 2012

A major problem with the bar industry today is that a lot of male bar owners/managers make hiring decisions based off approval by their dick instead of their brain. As a result, instead of ending up with a quality bartender they hire some super hot bimbo with boobs bigger than their heads who can barely pour an ice water. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of really good female bartenders, some of which are really hot. That’s not the point. This isn’t a beauty contest and the bottom line is if I wanted to stare at a hot chick who can’t keep my drink filled with booze because she is too busy flirting with her nineteen year old barback I would go to a strip club. When I am out drinking, I want my drinks strong and fast and it doesn’t matter if a gremlin is serving me as long as my glass stays full.

Usually, the idea behind hiring a hot female bartender who cares more about her makeup than the customers is based on the fact that most of the people frequenting a bar on a regular basis are men. It is then assumed that when drinking men must have a half dressed hottie serving them alcohol. In that sense men are seen as animals who constantly crave the sight of the opposite sex and when this craving is mixed with booze it gets worse. If that is the case then we as men are very simple creatures and are at best one step above a coyote with our snarling teeth and saliva covered chins.

There is some truth to the idea that all most men need to be satisfied with a bar is to have a glorified stripper with pouring privileges serving drinks slowly. I would estimate that seventy percent of men really are that simple. I know a lot of guys who frequent bars based strictly on what the bar staff looks like. What’s funny is that what all of these guys have in common is their belief that one day they will take that sexy bartender home with them.

That notion is foolish and quite frankly laughable. Hot female bartenders make a living off saps who swear they are one step away from getting laid. News flash jack ass all that flirting you and her just shared was monetarily motivated on her part and ten seconds after you walked away she started flirting with someone else.

This false confidence grows when men are fed booze and by the end of the night a good female bartender will have a bar full of men truly believing that they have a shot. Even after the door guy has cleared these drunken lechers out from the bar as they head home they do so with the confidence that next time they truly will get lucky with their favorite bartender. Although this sounds pretty pathetic it happens at bars all over the world and evidently as much as we as a species adapt and improve ourselves, drunken men believing hot girls half their age are down to bone is a mentality even evolution can’t overcome.

In our modern world which favors gender equality there are few jobs females are at a disadvantage of obtaining other than being president. Men on the other hand find hardships when trying to enter many a job field, especially so in the bar business. Despite the fact that this double standard has been set due in large to ogling men who care more about their spank bank than good service it is still unfair.

It is a fact that finding a job as a male bartender is exponentially more difficult than it is for a woman. I am the proof. When I moved out to California I had four years of bar tending experience along with a year of bar management experience and I couldn’t even get a job at Chili’s. One bar manager looked me dead in the eye and said that he didn’t think he’d ever seen a male apply for a position. I felt the urge to smack him across the face for even sliding me an application and then watching me fill it out before sharing this information with me. Luckily after some lean times a wise man took a chance on my overqualified ass as a busboy and the rest is bar history.

Once men get a leg in behind the bar they have to work twice as hard as a woman to earn a decent wage. I have seen a good looking girl get a hundred dollar tip from a creepy and greasy looking businessman even though it took her ten minutes to acknowledge him and another twenty to figure out how to open his Bud Light. Trust me; no one is ever going to tip me a hundred bucks just to stand there with a confused look on my face no matter how pretty my beard is that day.

I urge you the drunken masses to demand competence over big tits. Don’t stand for shitty service just because some bar owner thinks his office is the casting couch of a cheap porn website. Let’s take our bars back and move forward into a world where bartenders aren’t judged on their jugs but their ability. Let’s forgo fantasies of nymphomaniac female bartenders who will fuck you just for tipping well and move into a reality where every bartender around knows that there is no cranberry juice in a vodka tonic.

GULPU Quick Tips

February 11, 2012

The craze over GULPU.com has reached a fevered pitch. We are so overwhelmed with your submissions we still haven’t had the opportunity to launch the official website. We beg of you to remain patient. With the help of our parent company GuerillaDeSwine Productions we are currently interviewing web designers to get GULPU.com off the ground. We haven’t had any luck yet. The interview usually falls apart right around the swimsuit competition which is the ninth stage of the official GuerillaDeSwine Productions hiring process. Never fear we are confident that we will come across the right designer to bring GULPU.com to life. Anyone interested please send your resume plus head shots to HR@GuerillaDeSwineProductions.com with the headline of GULPU.com web monkey.

In the meantime we at GULPU.com have come to realize that since we understand what it means to be a shitty customer it is our moral duty to offer hints to help the general public as to how they can improve themselves as consumers. It is our goal to eliminate ignorant and rude behavior completely from the business world. In order to do this we compiled a team of experts the likes of which this world has never seen. We locked these experts in a room without windows and fed them raw meat and booze for seven hours a day for seven days. As a result they came up with three tips to help the general public be better at getting served.

It all starts with common sense. We all have it, allegedly, so use it. If you order a well done burger, don’t complain that it is overcooked. Check that; don’t order a well done burger. If there isn’t any food left on your plate you probably won’t be receiving a refund, so don’t bother asking. Long Island Iced Teas are strong so if you order one and then complain that it is too strong that complaint will most likely fall upon deaf ears. When at a bar have both your ID and money out. Competent bartenders take pride in getting you your drink as fast as possible and would appreciate the same common courtesy. Nothing frustrates a bartender more than watching some fucktard dig through their wallet for five minutes searching for payment for a product that’s already delivered. That sort of stupidity is a good way to get ignored for the duration of your evening.

Next up is politeness. Unfortunately due to the high number of parents who are intellectually ill-equipped to raise a child the notion of being polite has been lost on several generations of customers. Being polite is simple and is always more pleasurable then being rude. What that means is don’t whistle or snap your fingers, don’t bang on the bar, don’t roll your empty bottle around and don’t wave money in people’s faces. Don’t yell, and more importantly certainly don’t yell baby, bro, barkeep, wench or garcon. Now, most of the people dumb enough to do stuff like that truly believe that not only are they funny but that they are endearing themselves to the person who is serving them. That is a lie and acting like a jackass will never get you anything but skipped.

Lastly, please don’t ask stupid questions. We can’t stress how important this particular quick tip is. When you ask a stupid question not only does someone have to take the time to listen to your asinine question, but they then have to offer an answer that will be a failed attempt at not embarrassing you. Our experts came up with several examples.

A man approaches the bar. He nods over to the jukebox.

“Does your jukebox play music?”

Another guy walks up to a bar with fifty taps.

“Do you guys sell pints of beer?”

A girl calls the restaurant on Christmas Day and upon someone answering the phone asks, “Are you guys open?”

This may sound like a logical way to find out if a place is open on a holiday, but I assure you that someone isn’t at work on a day the business is closed answering the phone just to tell people they aren’t open. If someone is there to answer the phone that means the place is open.

We know that some of you with actual working brains will say that these rules seem like they are easy enough to be left unspoken. Unfortunately for every one person who gets it there are ten bros lined up right behind you ready to make our lives miserable. We at GULPU.com urge people to share these rules with their friends so that we as a society can improve the lives of service industry people everywhere.

GULPU!!!

January 6, 2012

The government has informed me via a sealed letter that due to legal restrictions the website GULP is not available for public use. Apparently, although I can neither confirm nor deny whether what I am about to say is true, the term GULP is the name of some sort of secret government program which the government wishes to keep the general public from learning about. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to Government interference in our business and are pleased to announce that what was once GULP.COM is now GULPU.COM! The website is still under construction but the response to our initial announcement of GULPU has been overwhelming. Here is just one of the many GULPU reviews we have already received.

Emily B. San Marcos, CA

Two ex or current streetwalkers walked in the other night. One had on a puffy jacket with a fake fur-line collar while the other had shorts short enough to require two hairdos. When asked if they were eating dinner they exchanged annoyed glances and then replied “yes” with an over exaggerated gasp. After looking at a menu skank one asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I fought the urge to ask her if most restaurants she went to listed fake prices or if maybe she was used to bartering for food. When I answered yes she waved me off in disgust.

They were ready to order when I returned with their drinks. One ordered the Mushroom and Bleu burger, well done, which is a wonderful way to ruin a good piece of meat. The other ordered the mac and cheese she had wished to negotiate down in price earlier. In addition she wanted a grilled cheese. I guess walking the streets called for a constant intake of cheese, amongst other things, into her body. I placed the order and fifteen minutes later it was up. When I placed the food on the table the mac skank let me know that she thought the food had taken way too long. I began to explain that ruining a good burger by ordering it well done took extra time but she waved me off before I could finish.

The burger skank flagged me down after taking two bites from her burger. She said there was something funky tasting on it. I pointed out that the mushroom and bleu burger had bleu cheese on it and perhaps that was what gave off a slightly funky taste. She said that wasn’t it. She loved bleu cheese. I took her plate away and had the kitchen make a plain well done burger.

The mac skank flagged me down. She pointed at her mac. She asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I nodded yes. She waved me off. I returned with the well done burger. They both let me know this time that they thought the food had taken way too long. They proceeded to scarf the food down as if it was their first meal in days and that their figure-obsessed pimp may be lurking around a corner somewhere ready to smack them down for eating.

I cleared their plates and listened as the mac skank trash talked the food and restaurant to her friend as if I didn’t exist. Without even looking at me or stopping her conversation she signaled for the check. They left in a hurry so I immediately checked the check book. There was money in it but it was eleven cents short. I decided against going after them when I realized they clearly needed that eleven cents way more than I did. I would have rather paid for their food and once the kitchen was finished making it just throw it away rather than having those two in at all.

Please don’t come back, whoever you are.

Thanks Emily for being a part of GULPU! While we are updating our software for the GULPU.COM launch feel free to leave your reviews in the comment area of this blog.

ID’s Please

December 2, 2011

If you walk into a bar and you are under the age of 40 you should be prepared to be ID’ed, perhaps even multiple times. I don’t care what you look like, who you’re with or how old you are. If I don’t know you I’m going to ID you. The penalties a bartender faces for serving a minor are serious fines, termination and possible jail time. You think I am going to risk any of those because your girlfriend who looks 19 left her ID at home? Women make a living off trying to either look younger or older. When they are young they want to look old. When they are old they want to look young. This prospect makes it very difficult for one to determine if a girl is 19 or 35. That’s why when a 30 year old who is trying her damnedest to look 21 walks into my bar I ID her. She doesn’t like it, which doesn’t coincide with the whole looking younger routine. She states her age. I thank her but insist on seeing her ID. She states her age this time with a huff of disgust. I thank her again and point out that the three half dressed skanks drowning in makeup that she walked in with all happily showed me their ID’s. She tells me her ID is at home and states her age before adding that it’s okay for me to serve her. I thank her for her permission but inform her that the word of a stranger is not an acceptable form of ID. After a five minute temper tantrum her and her friends skank away into a dark corner to plot how to trick young, dumb drunks into taking them home. Five minutes later when my barback catches her sipping her friends drink I kick her out. They never go quietly though. As embarrassing as it is to get kicked out of a bar why do people always insist on causing a scene on their way out? She finally leaves after promising to “yelp” the shit out of me and her nasty friends flick me off as they follow her to the next bar. This sort of thing happens all the time. A guy walks up and orders two beers and two jager bombs. I look around. He is by himself. I request two ID’s. “They’re both for me, Bro.” My skin crawls as he slides his ID over. I grab the drinks. As he walks away I set my barback on him who intercepts the second beer before the other idiot can sip it. I kick them both out. They want to fight. I decline and offer a tussle with the police. They walk off amidst a mix of threats and curses. People just don’t understand. I have been bartending a long time and drinking even longer so I know when I am being scammed. I’ve seen more invalid ID’s than I care to remember and they all look different. Your expired driver’s license is not a valid ID. Your permission is not a valid ID. The fact that you have a beard is not a valid ID. The fact that you were in my bar at some point over the last month is not a valid ID. The fact that the guy who is getting you drunk and taking advantage of you later is 45 is not a valid ID. The fact that the woman you are getting drunk who is taking advantage of you later is 45 is not a valid ID. Your college ID is not a valid ID. Your library card is not a valid ID. Your medical marijuana card is not a valid ID. Either get it or prepare to be thirsty and sober for a very long time.

I’m Not Your Brother

September 22, 2011

My name is not “Bro”. I assure you that my mother did not pop me out, take one loving look into my eyes and decide I looked like a “Bro”.  There is an idiot at my bar wearing a flat brimmed baseball cap with the team logo of a team this idiot has never heard of with tats covering his arms and a fat white watch he found in the back of some knock off van screaming repeatedly at the top of his idiot lungs, “Hey Bro”. I see you sitting at my bar watching this idiot wondering if I am “Bro” or if his buddy is “Bro” or if he has an extended network of brothers that don’t seem to respond to being called “Bro”. Don’t be mistaken, he is most certainly talking to me. However, I assure you “Bro” is not something you as a polite well-mannered bar patron should ever call me. I know, it’s hard to believe “Bro” is not my name when this idiot uses it like he’s an old buddy of mine who just happened to stroll into my bar and can’t wait to call me over to chat me up. That’s not the case, because if it was he would be saying “Hey Jon” and he definitely wouldn’t be repeatedly yelling this at the top of his lungs. I get it. This idiot is at a bar acting as if it’s his first time and wants a drink as fast as humanly possible because the faster he can get the first one and not tip the sooner he can chug it and order another one and not tip. There is a pecking order when it comes to who a bartender will serve and in what order. Yelling “Hey Bro”, “Bartender”, “Hey Sweety”,  “Yo Dude”, “Barkeep” or “Garcon” repeatedly and at the top of your lungs assures you that you will permanently remain at the bottom of that pecking order. This idiot could walk up to an empty bar and if he attempts to call me to attention in such an abrupt or rude manner he will wait for his drink. Believe me, my hustling to serve that idiot a Bud Light with a shot of Jager for no tip is not my number one priority. The couple that walked up after the screaming idiot with a smile and a simple “Hello” is already paid and walking away, drinks in their hands before the idiot even realizes he got skipped because he were so damn busy yelling “Hey Bro”. My tip for you is to avoid people like the one I’ve described above at all costs. Leave the likes of them to me and the large man who stands on the door and keeps all of us drunks safe and happy as we laugh at the fool who can’t figure out why him and his “broes” glasses are empty.


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