Posts Tagged ‘Carlsbad’

GULPU.com Wins!

September 1, 2012

The day has finally arrived. Review evolution is upon us ladies and gentlemen. GULPU.com went live to you, the general drunken public yesterday at 1pm. I would like to thank you all for the patience you have shown in the face of great anticipation for GULPU’s release. There have been some bumps along the road which I can only speak about vaguely as my lawyers have advised me to be less open about my legal affairs.

The latest and perhaps the most laughable was this past week when “someone” hacked into my twitter account. I think we all know who this someone was. It was a bush league attempt at sabotaging my social media outlets in a last ditch attempt to ensure that GULPU.com never went live. After kidnappings, full body cavity searches, unjust arrests and torture, this amateurish stunt did little more than make me change a bunch of passwords which I do every five days anyways.

I would like to thank my web designer, who after having many attempts on his life since being hired at GuerillaDeSwine Productions has requested to remain anonymous, for being a real trooper despite the loss of one or more limbs. It has been a team effort and the reward will be reading all the wonderful reviews that you, the general drunken public have surely been drafting since the first time you found out about the site that puts the power back into the hands of hard working people everywhere.

No longer will we sit idly by while people treat us like servants just because our industry is in pleasing paying customers. Unfortunately, as soon as you empower the consumer the right to dictate every aspect of business service becomes tricky. Now with the internet and a certain four letter site that shall not legally be named people have opened fire on the customer service industry and the hard working people who work within it. GULPU.com is our opportunity to fire back.

It’s simple. You sign up at http://www.gulpu.com/ with an anonymous username and your email and then have a chance to browse one of the many, highly entertaining reviews that people like you have already posted and even comment on the ones you really like. Or you can simply click the Start A New Review button and write your way into review evolution. The release you will feel will be like losing your virginity every time you submit a new review.

It is important to remember that we here at GULPU.com highly encourage that you remain ANONYMOUS. With all the heat we have already felt just for developing GULPU GuerillaDeSwine Productions will not be held responsible if something unsavory or illegal happens to you because you use your real name or say where you work.

We also encourage GULPU.com members to share both good and bad experiences that they have had when working in the customer service industry. There will be a rating system of shot glasses so you will be able to score each individual review. For example if while bartending a beautiful blonde sat at your bar all night drinking whiskey and then tips you with a fifty, a blowjob, and an invitation to a future threesome with her and her twin sister then you should probably award her five shot glasses.

However, if some giant twat who tried to bang his busted girlfriend in the ladies room wants to fight you because you tell him he has a nice purse bro then you would most likely rate this negative experience with just one shot glass. The reviews that have been posted by members so far are so entertaining that I was late to two different legal hearings because I couldn’t stop reading what members of the GULPU.com community had written so far.

GULPU.com isn’t just for restaurant or bar employees; it is for anyone who provides service that is paid for by a customer.  Whether you are in retail, work in a call center, are a sales rep or any customer related business GULPU.com is interested in sharing your experiences with others who go through similar encounters with people even if they work in a different industry. In fact my favorite GULPU review so far was written by a local stripper who complained that when giving a lap dance a customer insisted she call him Tim Tebow as she did. That’s what GULPU.com is all about, giving hard working people the right to talk about the honest work they do.

The first twenty reviewers will be GULPU.com VIP members who will receive limited edition shirts this Monday, September 3rd at the GULPU Website Release Party. The party is at 3725 Jefferson St. in Carlsbad, CA. and begins at 3pm. The VIP shirts, designed by Underground Artist of the Year Joe Anderson, will only be available this one time so hurry up and sign up so you can write a review. There will be regular GULPU.com shirts as well as books for sale at the party so bring your wallet and five friends who want to support local literature. Food and live music by DJ SAVEE and the Paragraphs is also on the agenda so don’t be late this Labor Day.

GULPU.com has been a long time in the works and everyone here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions is very proud to be part of such a noble endeavor. Keep those reviews coming and let your soul go free as you unburden your mind from years of working hard to please customers. It’s time to have your voice heard by people who are just like you. It’s time we told websites like the four letter one that legally shall not be named that we will not be treated like animals. It’s time for all of us to experience review evolution at http://www.gulpu.com/

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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Howl of the Hyenas

June 9, 2012

Hyenas are canine-like animals that hunt in packs and are known as skilled hunters and opportunistic scavengers. They are widely considered to be vile creatures that feed on babies and will attack whatever weak prey they can find. Just recently I have discovered that the hyena species has evolved into a new form, a human one.

Anyone who has ever been down to Carlsbad is familiar with the term cougar. It is used for a woman over thirty-five who is interested in dating men who are at least seven years younger than them. There is nothing wrong with that, but young men beware. That older woman who just bought you a jager bomb and is now fondling your junk might not be the friendly cougar you pegged her for. Be wary, because she might a Human Female Hyena and the rest of her pack could be circling you from the shadows.

Much like their animal counterpart Human Female Hyenas are always on the lookout for an opportunity to scavenge a kill. By last call at a lot of bars scattered all across the country if a Human Female Hyena has yet to make a kill their desperation to receive some younger dick reaches a frightening level. They prowl the bar looking for the easiest prey. The drunker and lonelier looking the guy the higher the chance that they will be attacked.

From a distance or in a dimly lit establishment a lot of Human Female Hyenas look fairly attractive. It is likely that in their younger days before pregnancy, divorce, alcohol and random dick turned them into raging bitches that they were at least somewhat sexy. This is why so many young, drunk and horny men are easily lured back to the den of the Human Female Hyena, a vicious skankdom littered with cobwebs, KY and broken promises. Once the dim light of the bar goes out and the allure of the alcohol wears off the Human Female Hyenas true form is revealed. As the morning light seeps into the den most victims upon seeing what lies next to them flee as quickly as possible.

In the wild Hyenas are prone to cannibalistic tendencies and in some instances have been known to eat other Hyenas young. Human Female Hyenas aren’t quite that extreme but they will turn on the pack if they believe it will help them make a kill. I have witnessed two Human Female Hyenas square off in an attempt to seduce a male target. It normally will begin with a who can be the sluttiest dancer contest. If the potential victim buys these Human Female Hyenas enough shots the duel usually escalates to hand jobs in the men’s room. The end result is a Human Female Hyena fight that can only be broken up by the most elite of door guys. According to someone much younger than me videos of these Human Female Hyena fights are all the rage on YouTube.

In some scenarios Human Female Hyenas are married but do not allow their wedding vows to get in the way of prowling the town for some strange. Be aware that married Human Female Hyenas are the most aggressive and putrid version of their species. As they enter a room it becomes filled with the stench of untreated vaginal diseases and vodka red bulls. The jukebox is usually their first stop where they pump the machine full of songs their kids listen to and then scream as each new song begins to play. Dancing ensues and if no young men approach them they begin to grind on whatever random guy is in their near vicinity.

I have been observing a particular pack of married Human Female Hyenas and have been disturbed with my findings. They seem to be a more desperate version of their species making them all the more dangerous. I have witnessed one in an attempt at seduction tell one of my fellow researchers that she wanted to take him to the alleyway out back and “lick his face.” Clearly this Human Female Hyena was so removed from society that she had forgotten what would even pass for a proper come on.

Several nights later while observing the same Human Female Hyenas I was approached by what looked like the leader of the pack. She fell on her way in and blamed her shoes. Based on the state of the pack it was clear this was not the first bar they’d skanked with their presence that evening. The leader, who is usually the best looking but is always the craziest bitch of the bunch ordered an ice water in an attempt to maintain her sobriety long enough to complete a kill. As she drank it she watched the rest of her pack who had found a group of nerds they could easily prey upon.

“Look at those sluts. All those bitches over there are married,” she said as she stared at me. “Isn’t that disgusting?”

I nodded and looked at the pack. Two of them were already making out with guys. I looked back at the leader. She was staring at me. I tried to avoid eye contact as best as I could. I noticed she was wearing a wedding ring. She put her water down and took my hand into hers. She began to caress it.

“You hate my husband.”

She was staring intently into my eyes as she said this.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“I said, you hate my husband.”

“Mam, I don’t believe I know your husband.”

She leaned in closer to me.

“I hate my husband more than you do.”

I pulled back feeling a trap being set. She continued to stare at me when suddenly the song on the jukebox changed. She screamed and ran over to her pack to go grind a helpless nerd. I was able to slip away into the shadows unharmed.

I was one of the lucky ones, but I fear that I am in the minority. This cross breed of hyenas and women are a cunning bunch and are not to be taken lightly. Beware of packs of half attractive older woman rubbing up on any young man available because if you’re not careful you might end up back in the den without protection, and a Human Female Hyena may just fuck you for life.


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