Posts Tagged ‘churchills’

Hops and Heat 2016

June 3, 2016

Do you like eating food that makes you sweat profusely and turn red? Do you like crying during your meal? Do you enjoy washing fuck your face spicy dishes down with freshly made IPA’s brewed by some of the most talented brewers in the world? If you answered “fuck yeah!” to any or all of those questions, then you are in luck. Hops and Heat 2016 is here and as a result your life is now complete.

Saturday June 11 at Churchill’s Pub and Grille is the third installment of Hops and Heat one of our three annual craft beer and craft food events. Chef AG Warfield and his staff of lunatics created this event after a day of binge drinking, chicken fighting and chili cooking. One of Chef Warfield’s flunkies made a chili with a shit ton of ghost peppers in it rendering it nearly inedible.

After a few too many pints by all, the young cook challenged Chef Warfield to eat a certain amount of his melt your flesh chili. Money was wagered and beers were poured. Chef Warfield crushed the chili in between sips from a fresh batch of Team Freeman Brewing’s latest IPA. The pain of the chili was excruciating to palate, but the deliciousness of the IPA made it briefly blissful. This bliss was immediately replaced with horrific pain. Chef Warfield won the money but might have lost the fight.

The next morning while still feeling the awful after effects of what he ate Chef Warfield was inspired. He wanted to bring that moment of bliss to you, the general drunken public. More than that bliss though he wished to inflict the blinding pain he felt on paying customers. Hence Hops and Heat was born. It’s the one day a year we can actually guarantee you will regret coming into the pub.

The beers will be some of the most hoppy IPA’s you have ever tasted, including a few the Churchill’s Pub and Grille staff was fortunate enough to help brew: Artifex “Sober in the Morning”, Mother Earth “Sinister Prime Minister” and Pizza Port Carlsbad “They Gon”. We will also be tapping in oldies but still very goodies like Russian River “Blind Pig” and “Pliny the Elder”.

Two of our full time favorites Societe “The Pupil” and Bear Republic “Churchill’s X” will also be on in addition to 35 of the best IPA’s you can get anywhere, ever all being poured alongside each other. From Bend, Oregon to Kalamazoo, Michigan we challenge breweries participating to produce their best IPAs and they gladly deliver. Several of the brewers will be in attendance on Saturday sharing pints and plates of spicy food.

The food is broken down in three categories: Bitten which is damn that’s hot, infected which is why am I doing this to myself? and the Undead which might kill you but if it does you will rise from the dead to roam the earth.

If you have ever eaten at Churchill’s then you know how tight our Chile Popper game is. Saturday a new height will be reached. How about a jalapeno stuffed with a ghost pepper stuffed with a Carolina Reaper, habanero cheese and bacon that’s then battered and deep fried? It’s the start of shark attack season so to help kick that off we will be serving mako shark seasoned with Caribbean Green spice topped with jalapeno slaw and habanero aioli on a ciabatta bun.

Then there’s The Devil’s Short Ribs. Beef short ribs prepared with Carolina Reapers and Ghost peppers with Tabasco mash and root vegetables topped with a chipotle chocolate sauce. The food isn’t just hot it is delicious. That is where we get you. You want to stop eating; you have to stop eating but you can’t because the flavor is just too good.

Hops and Heat 2016 is Saturday June 11 at Churchill’s Pub and Grille. Get ready for the best IPA’s paired with the tastiest, spiciest food you are going to find anywhere. You aren’t dealing with some over glorified line cooks here. We are professionals and take our heat very seriously. I look forward to watching you, the general drunken public burn and then ask for more. “Yes sir, here is that glass of milk you just offered to suck my dick for. That will be ten dollars.”

 

 

 

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The Leprechaun Man

March 15, 2013

Last week was Churchill’s Renaissance, an event that was described as “The Greatest Fucking Party No One Can Remember” by Hollywood Movie Star Kevin Bacon. Jordan Wilson compiled the greatest beer lineup in the history of human civilization and the wide variety of beers allowed everyone a chance to taste even the most sought after brews such as Stone Original and Barrel Aged Shiner Bock no matter what time they arrived. AG Warfield and his star kitchen staff executed a menu so tasty that Chef AG was offered seventeen virgins to leave Churchill’s and become the private chef of some Arabian Prince who just happened by the pub that day for a deep fried PB&J.

The bar and wait staff were pushed to the brink of breaking but in the face of a line of nearly 800 people they stepped up and I can proudly say that they are the best restaurant staff in the world. Despite the overwhelming amount of food and beer starved patrons at Churchill’s Renaissance, the beers and food flew out at the speed of lightning. The two top selling beers that day were Bear Republic’s Churchill X and Mother Earth’s Wins-ten Decade Double IPA which was fitting since both were made and released specifically for publican Ivan Derezin’s 10 year anniversary as owner of Churchill’s.

While the crowd at Renaissance was for the most part sophisticated and responsible this upcoming Sunday promises to be the shit show of the century. That’s right; Sunday, March 17 is St. Patrick’s Day known to those in the industry as amateur asshole day. I personally love St. Patty’s Day. Since there are so many dickbags who have no intention of ever frequenting our bar again I can be as big of an asshole as I want to be with very few repercussions.

This year’s St. Patty’s Day is special to me personally because I was recently described on a certain four letter website I legally can’t name as The Leprechaun Man by some common street walker who was angry I wouldn’t let her smoke her e-cigarette in the middle of my dining room. At first I was deeply offended, but then I remembered that the source of this review was a diseased skankbag who clearly would die soon hopefully in some horribly painful scenario.

Instead of firebombing her spot at the trailer park I have decided to embrace this whore’s review. That’s why to help celebrate alcohol’s favorite holiday we will be offering $3 Leprechaun Man shots. The recipe I used to make The Leprechaun Man shot contains the blood of a real leprechaun I hunted, tortured and killed with my own bare hands. In addition to $3 Leprechaun Man shots we will be selling $3 pints of Green Stone Bro. This is a special variation of local craft beer emperor Stone Brewing’s most popular beer. To honor both the Pub and St. Patty’s Day our good friends over at Stone whipped up this special and colorful batch of Stone Bro just for Churchill’s and it will only be available this Sunday.

My favorite St Patty’s Day tradition is dressing up as a leprechaun, wielding a gold shillelagh and mingling with you, the general drunken public. While walking amongst the masses of green clad and Guinness guzzling freaks sounds awful it is the highlight of my year. That’s because I am doing so not to hang out with these Jameson drenched animals but to regulate upon them. If my golden shillelagh happens upon your shoulder that means it’s time for you to leave, immediately. Any opposition to the shillelagh tap might result in one of the large men standing right behind me to start breaking some fucking legs.

When I say we have zero tolerance on dipshit behavior on St. Patty’s Day I sincerely mean it. Last year our douche bag alert level reached red which according to my George W. Bush terrorist threat manual means we are fucked. To combat this dangerous situation I began shillegh tapping people for almost no reason at all in an effort to try to flush out the disturbing amount of douche bags. I gave one guy the boot for wearing a low cut v-neck “Blow Me I’m Irish” tee-shirt because it exposed the Dave Matthews lyrics he had tattooed across his chest.

This St. Patty’s day promises to be no different so make sure to be on your best behavior or run the risk of the wrath of The Leprechaun Man. Treat each other, our staff, and the pub with respect and you will have nothing to worry about. Those that don’t follow these guidelines will find out what it feels like to get bounced from a bar you just waited an hour to enter in less than seven minutes because you thought it would be funny to whistle at a bartender. That tapping you feel on your shoulder means your options are slim and grim and I suggest you stumble along to a bar that gives a shit that you took the time to dye your hair green just for today.

Churchill’s Renaissance IV

March 1, 2013

March 2nd 2013 promises to be the greatest day in the history of beer. At 11 am tomorrow Churchill’s Renaissance IV, A New Hope, begins and this year’s installation will prove itself to be the greatest craft beer and food festival San Diego has ever seen. Now, for my money that means Churchill’s Renaissance IV will be the greatest craft beer and food festival in the history of the entire world.

This year’s Renaissance marks the ten year anniversary of publican Ivan Derezin’s hostile takeover of the pub. Under his watch it has transformed from a back alley rug munching swingers bar into the premier craft beer and food pub anywhere. To honor this momentous event Derezin and his staff have devoted themselves to making Churchill’s Renaissance IV the greatest party that you, the general drunken public, has ever had the pleasure of getting shit faced at.

Our draft lineup tomorrow is being hailed as the greatest assortment of craft beer ever offered anywhere. Certifiable Craft Beer Connoisseur Jordan Wilson has done a lot of things he will most likely live to regret to put together such a rare collection of beers. Two of the highlights of this year’s lineup are Bear Republic’s Churchill X IPA and Mother Earth’s Winsten Tenth Anniversary DIPA both of which are being released for the first time anywhere tomorrow.

Last year’s line began at 3:10 am Saturday morning, seven hours and fifty minutes before the pub even opened. As I write this it is 3:24 am Friday morning and this year’s line has already begun. I left the pub forty five minutes ago and saw the first Finest Hour fanatics huddled around fires heating up cold cans of cream of corn as they anxiously awaited Saturday morning to arrive.

These dedicated people will be awarded with not just first choice of the fine beer but also of the amazing craft food we will be offering that day. Mix Master Chef AG Warfield has done the impossible. He has crafted a food menu that rivals our amazing beer menu. When you taste one dish you will want to taste them all. I suggest you bring a belt with seventeen extra notches because once you start eating AGIII’s food you won’t ever want to stop.

Serving this amazing beer and food will be Churchill’s crack staff of craft experts who were voted Best Looking Restaurant Staff for 2012 in this year’s restaurant edition of Penthouse. We are all going to be working extremely hard on Renaissance and will all at one point either be on the verge of freaking out or actually freaking out. So please remember your manners and understand when 850 people show up at a pub all wanting the same thing drinks and food might take a little bit longer than usual to come out.

If you would really like to help us speed up service I highly recommend that you walk through our doors already knowing exactly what it is you want to drink. That means when you approach the bar do so with your first round ready to be ordered. When faced with a bar that is ten deep and a server ticket printer churning out 200 tickets a minute I have no time for you to try to think about what you are ordering. When I ask you what you want if you hesitate for even a half second I will be gone faster than I appeared.

People who are prepared and able to order four beers not by style and not by brewery but by the actual name of the beer will easily get everything they want all day long. Another suggestion is once you have ordered, instead of watching me weave in and out of my equally insanely busy bar mates please pull out your method of payment. Having your cash and credit card ready saves us all precious seconds and allows me to move on to the next customer craving my attention. Trust me your fellow drunk will thank you.

While this all may sound intimidating don’t fear because despite the massive crowd, overworked staff and the possibility of vomit around every corner Churchill’s Renaissance IV will be the most fun you’ve had since you lost your virginity. So get those tents ready because the madness has already begun and if you have any chance of getting a coveted pour off the last keg of 2012 Stone Bro in existence I suggest you get in line an hour ago.

Churchill’s Renaissance III Revisited

March 10, 2012

We survived Renaissance, barely, and once again Churchill’s Pub and Grille proved to have the best selection of craft beer and food served by the finest restaurant/bar staff in the world. That’s right, I said THE WORLD. Feel free to further expand our egos at the pub by showering us with over exaggerated compliments in regards to our exceptional skills. That being said I reiterate that some of us barely survived and that’s not even in regards to the staff. Sure we worked our asses off but you, the general drunken public, drank and ate your asses off and for that we love you.

The line to enter the pub allegedly started at 3:30 Saturday morning. We have since confirmed this to be true by consulting one of the many secret cameras we have hidden in and around the pub. By 6:30 it was already leaking out of our parking lot. When I walked up at ten it had grown to a thousand according to the crack head at the halfway house who repeatedly cursed at me to stay off his porch.

At 10:55 the staff shared one last moment of meditation followed up by a group hug. Then, the doors flung open and the madness began. People bum rushed the bar in a frenzied attempt at being the first to order Churchill’s Finest Hour. Waves and waves of customers slowly marched in and filled the entire bar, restaurant and patio. Ninety-Nine percent of the crowd was polite and patient as they realized that amongst the insanity the entire staff was doing everything in their power to keep people drunk, fat and happy. Those who were rude or impatient usually only got served once.

The vomit level was low much to the relief of our bar backs who were forced to bring their own puke buckets from home. The one glaring upheaval did unfortunately happen in the fire pit which was thankfully not on. Anyone who has ever caught a whiff of a flaming pool of vomit knows how horrible it can be and that it often leads to a ferocious cycle of group puking.

While most customers ordered efficiently so we could help them as quickly as possible there were those who decided that they were more important than all the other customers waiting for food and drink. That’s right string order boy, I am talking to you. At a quiet bar where it’s just you and your buddies making the bartender or server make multiple back to back trips for you is accepted, although still frowned upon. At a bar filled to max capacity with rabid beer aficionados foaming at the mouth to be served a drink this sort of behavior is unacceptable. If you can’t order all your drinks at once you are making others suffer. Even at my most busy and scatter brained I can handle up to eighty-one drinks in my mind at once, so please don ‘t be scared to try to overwhelm me. The quicker I move on from you the quicker I can help the cute girl in the corner, who if I keep serving in a speedy fashion may get drunk enough for you to get lucky.

Other than string orders the only other glaring ordering offense was found in those people not ready to be waited upon. As I pour beers I scan the bar and have a pecking order in mind of who I am going to serve first. It goes regulars first and then it switches to first come first serve. I generally plan out the next five people I am going to help even before I have approached any of them. If I ask you what you want and you look away to consult a friend or beer list then by the time you face the bar again all you will see is the back of my head. I will return, eventually, but that pecking order I just talked about, you’re now at the bottom.

The ultimate asshole award for the day goes to that idiot I personally had kicked out myself. While I doubt he lacks the ability to read I hope he gets a hold of this because I have a message for him.

“No, bro, I didn’t think you were drunk enough to be cut off, I just plain didn’t like you. Your constant groping and sexual harassment of every woman who walked up to bar coupled with your loud and obnoxious voice/laugh/personality/presence/face/existence was what did you in. Had I not been stuck behind the bar I would have grabbed that cell phone you were shit talking me on and shoved it so far up your ass your tongue would be text messaging every time you spoke.”

Despite these minor complaints Churchill’s Renaissance III, The Revenge of Ivan, proved to be the greatest day in the history of beer just as some brilliant writer predicted a week ago. What made it so great was the food, the beer and most importantly the people, both staff and clientele. For that I thank and applaud everyone involved in such a wonderful event. The next big pub event will be St. Patrick’s Day, which compared to the distinguished esteem of Churchill’s Renaissance will be a bro-infested slop fest filled with strewn jello shots and people’s wives being left for dead on bathroom floors. Can’t wait!

I’m Not Your Brother

September 22, 2011

My name is not “Bro”. I assure you that my mother did not pop me out, take one loving look into my eyes and decide I looked like a “Bro”.  There is an idiot at my bar wearing a flat brimmed baseball cap with the team logo of a team this idiot has never heard of with tats covering his arms and a fat white watch he found in the back of some knock off van screaming repeatedly at the top of his idiot lungs, “Hey Bro”. I see you sitting at my bar watching this idiot wondering if I am “Bro” or if his buddy is “Bro” or if he has an extended network of brothers that don’t seem to respond to being called “Bro”. Don’t be mistaken, he is most certainly talking to me. However, I assure you “Bro” is not something you as a polite well-mannered bar patron should ever call me. I know, it’s hard to believe “Bro” is not my name when this idiot uses it like he’s an old buddy of mine who just happened to stroll into my bar and can’t wait to call me over to chat me up. That’s not the case, because if it was he would be saying “Hey Jon” and he definitely wouldn’t be repeatedly yelling this at the top of his lungs. I get it. This idiot is at a bar acting as if it’s his first time and wants a drink as fast as humanly possible because the faster he can get the first one and not tip the sooner he can chug it and order another one and not tip. There is a pecking order when it comes to who a bartender will serve and in what order. Yelling “Hey Bro”, “Bartender”, “Hey Sweety”,  “Yo Dude”, “Barkeep” or “Garcon” repeatedly and at the top of your lungs assures you that you will permanently remain at the bottom of that pecking order. This idiot could walk up to an empty bar and if he attempts to call me to attention in such an abrupt or rude manner he will wait for his drink. Believe me, my hustling to serve that idiot a Bud Light with a shot of Jager for no tip is not my number one priority. The couple that walked up after the screaming idiot with a smile and a simple “Hello” is already paid and walking away, drinks in their hands before the idiot even realizes he got skipped because he were so damn busy yelling “Hey Bro”. My tip for you is to avoid people like the one I’ve described above at all costs. Leave the likes of them to me and the large man who stands on the door and keeps all of us drunks safe and happy as we laugh at the fool who can’t figure out why him and his “broes” glasses are empty.


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