Posts Tagged ‘craft beer’

Hops and Heat 2016

June 3, 2016

Do you like eating food that makes you sweat profusely and turn red? Do you like crying during your meal? Do you enjoy washing fuck your face spicy dishes down with freshly made IPA’s brewed by some of the most talented brewers in the world? If you answered “fuck yeah!” to any or all of those questions, then you are in luck. Hops and Heat 2016 is here and as a result your life is now complete.

Saturday June 11 at Churchill’s Pub and Grille is the third installment of Hops and Heat one of our three annual craft beer and craft food events. Chef AG Warfield and his staff of lunatics created this event after a day of binge drinking, chicken fighting and chili cooking. One of Chef Warfield’s flunkies made a chili with a shit ton of ghost peppers in it rendering it nearly inedible.

After a few too many pints by all, the young cook challenged Chef Warfield to eat a certain amount of his melt your flesh chili. Money was wagered and beers were poured. Chef Warfield crushed the chili in between sips from a fresh batch of Team Freeman Brewing’s latest IPA. The pain of the chili was excruciating to palate, but the deliciousness of the IPA made it briefly blissful. This bliss was immediately replaced with horrific pain. Chef Warfield won the money but might have lost the fight.

The next morning while still feeling the awful after effects of what he ate Chef Warfield was inspired. He wanted to bring that moment of bliss to you, the general drunken public. More than that bliss though he wished to inflict the blinding pain he felt on paying customers. Hence Hops and Heat was born. It’s the one day a year we can actually guarantee you will regret coming into the pub.

The beers will be some of the most hoppy IPA’s you have ever tasted, including a few the Churchill’s Pub and Grille staff was fortunate enough to help brew: Artifex “Sober in the Morning”, Mother Earth “Sinister Prime Minister” and Pizza Port Carlsbad “They Gon”. We will also be tapping in oldies but still very goodies like Russian River “Blind Pig” and “Pliny the Elder”.

Two of our full time favorites Societe “The Pupil” and Bear Republic “Churchill’s X” will also be on in addition to 35 of the best IPA’s you can get anywhere, ever all being poured alongside each other. From Bend, Oregon to Kalamazoo, Michigan we challenge breweries participating to produce their best IPAs and they gladly deliver. Several of the brewers will be in attendance on Saturday sharing pints and plates of spicy food.

The food is broken down in three categories: Bitten which is damn that’s hot, infected which is why am I doing this to myself? and the Undead which might kill you but if it does you will rise from the dead to roam the earth.

If you have ever eaten at Churchill’s then you know how tight our Chile Popper game is. Saturday a new height will be reached. How about a jalapeno stuffed with a ghost pepper stuffed with a Carolina Reaper, habanero cheese and bacon that’s then battered and deep fried? It’s the start of shark attack season so to help kick that off we will be serving mako shark seasoned with Caribbean Green spice topped with jalapeno slaw and habanero aioli on a ciabatta bun.

Then there’s The Devil’s Short Ribs. Beef short ribs prepared with Carolina Reapers and Ghost peppers with Tabasco mash and root vegetables topped with a chipotle chocolate sauce. The food isn’t just hot it is delicious. That is where we get you. You want to stop eating; you have to stop eating but you can’t because the flavor is just too good.

Hops and Heat 2016 is Saturday June 11 at Churchill’s Pub and Grille. Get ready for the best IPA’s paired with the tastiest, spiciest food you are going to find anywhere. You aren’t dealing with some over glorified line cooks here. We are professionals and take our heat very seriously. I look forward to watching you, the general drunken public burn and then ask for more. “Yes sir, here is that glass of milk you just offered to suck my dick for. That will be ten dollars.”

 

 

 

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Review Evolution

May 17, 2016

There is a four letter website out there that stands for everything that is wrong with social media. This website allows any asshole with a cell phone to spew hate filled reviews attacking people in the service industry because they are upset that there is no Amber Ale on tap. They seem to have no control over what slanderous rhetoric its users post. Anyone who has ever waited or bussed a table, tended bar, been a floor or general manager or worked the door as a security guard will tell you that 90% of what you read on this website is bullshit usually made up by a user under the influence of alcohol. I understand that speech is free in this country but personally attacking an employee of an establishment you patronize, while drunk and recently ejected, does not equate to freedom of speech in my mind.

I have so many negative reviews about me that it is impossible to count. I have been called both racist and sexist on this site. I have been accused of being a pathetic little man drunk with the power of running a restaurant on this site. I have been referred to as a shameless prick who inexcusably backs his staff on this site. One time some schmuck actually posted a picture of a dog taking a shit and had the nerve to compare me to the pile of dung on this site.

Mind you these nasty things have been written about me because I was just trying to do my job. When was the last time something that happened at your job got blasted out on the internet with the express purpose of making you look like a jackass? Think hard. For me it’s much easier to recall because it happens every several months. If you want to pull me aside and say these awful things to my face that’s fine. It most likely won’t end well but one way or another it will end. Don’t be a coward and run to your laptop or tablet and blatantly make shit up that threatens my livelihood. Once it goes up on this site it is there for the public to read and now not just one person thinks I am all these awful things but the entire world is encouraged to make the same rash judgement.

So, you say to me, “It’s just a silly little website. Nobody cares that much about what is written there. Readers are smart enough to decipher the legitimate reviews versus the bullshit ones.”  First of all, the people who use this site are not that smart. Trust me I deal with them on a daily basis. If they were in a spelling bee versus a stack of bricks I’m taking the bricks, big time. Second of all people do care. I have seen people cry after reading a nasty review that was written about them. I’ve met people in this industry who have lost their job because they got too many bad reviews most of which were bullshit. If people didn’t care what was written on this shitbag site then certain restaurants wouldn’t discount customers who write five star reviews about them.

I have been in or around the restaurant business for 20 plus years and have been in the craft beer industry the last ten and what I have found is that people in this industry care about what they do, a lot. This is a career not some summer job motherfucker and every day I go to work I try to be better than I was the day before. When things don’t go well I lose sleep or drink to excess usually both. When my teammates have a bad day I feel it, because I care about them too. We work long hours on our feet trying extremely hard to provide our patrons with stellar product and service.

To do all that and then have some punk ass permanently stoned college hipster or some Quaalude popping soccer mom who have never waited a table in their life tell the internet that I suck at my job is something I am no longer able to just sit here and take. In fact, a very good friend of mine and I are going to open a restaurant for all these expert reviewers of a business they have never been employed in and it’s going to be called “Go Fuck Yourself” (patent pending). That way when they don’t like how things go down in our house they can reference the sign on the front door.

Service industry people unite. They want to write about us then let’s write about them. There is a website called GULPU.com™ coming to you soon. It’s our site to talk about how awful they are. For now, get stress off your chest with us at https://www.facebook.com/GULPU/

That way the next time some redneck with dip spit dribbling down his chin tries to fight you because you wouldn’t serve his pregnant girlfriend alcohol the real story will be heard too. Oh yeah, I almost forgot “Fuck Yelp”.

The Bad Bartender Chronicles V

May 31, 2013

I recently had one of the worst experiences at a bar that I’ve had over my entire drinking career which has been lengthy and highly decorated. It was my first time in San Francisco and as a lover of craft beer everyone I spoke to before embarking on my trip up north told me there was absolutely one bar I had to go to if I was going to be in the city. So, I did and shall forever regret stepping foot there. As a respectful member of the bar community coupled with my blinding hatred for a certain four letter website I am legally not allowed to name, the bar at which I had this terrible experience shall remain nameless.

Another reason the bar shall remain nameless is because it wasn’t the bar that ruined my time there it was the pathetic excuse for a bartender who was clearly twelve years past being past her prime. Even a historically cool bar can be ruined by terrible service and based on the regulars’ acceptance of this common street walker’s behavior I figured her shitty treatment of customers wasn’t an exception but the norm.

It was late when we arrived with a nice buzz from a day long hair of the dog session beating off a circus-sized hangover. My first impression of this allegedly awesome craft beer bar was that it reeked like vomit. Not freshly puked vomit but years of people puking all over the place like the scent of vomit was stained into every surface of the bar.

We found four seats at the bar and waited to order. The bartender was at the other end of the bar leaning on the bar top with her back to us as she talked to other customers. The guys she was talking too had full beers so they clearly were not performing a business transaction. I looked around and saw four other patrons in addition to my three buddies and me anxiously awaiting a frosty beverage. After five minutes of watching the bartender shoot the shit she looked down the bar and made eye contact with me briefly before returning to her conversation for another five minutes.

Finally she slowly sauntered down the bar and helped the four other patrons who needed refills. Five minutes after that she greeted my buddies and I with a disinterested look as she tossed four soggy coasters at us. She wore a small tank top and leaned on the bar to show off her tits which were probably the only two good features this venomous skankbag possessed both physically and mentally.

Her hair was put back in pigtails and her face wore the weathered look of years spent turning tricks behind a puke stained bar. Her shorts were short enough that she needed two different hairdos and my first thought was how proud her father must be that his forty year old daughter still dressed like a whore.

She half listened to our order while twirling one of her pig tails around her finger. She poured our beers and asked us where we were from. When we told her San Diego she laughed at us and walked away. With frosty pints in front of us we thought nothing of it and all tipped the venomous skankbag a couple of bucks as we are all seasoned bar folk.

Less than halfway through our beers two of my buddies and I stepped out front for a quick smoke. We returned five minutes later and upon sitting down saw that our almost full beers were no longer where we left them. Now I know your first instinct would be to ask your non-smoker friend what the hell happened, but that is another blog for another day and honestly our freshly bought beers being taken was probably the last thing on his mind since at any other bar in the world that wouldn’t be a concern.

It took us ten minutes to get the venomous skankbag back down to our end of the bar because she was at a table sitting on some guys lap as she sipped out of their pitcher. When she finally returned to us we asked her what had happened to our beers.

“What beers?” she responded with a dip of her shoulder to expose more of her breasts and a flirtatious smile.

We all laughed uncomfortably thinking she was fucking with us and that our beers would reappear shortly. When they didn’t we asked her again what had happened to our beers.

“What beers?” she responded in a much more serious tone.

“The fucking beers we just bought from you and tipped you for!” said one of my buddies.

“I don’t know what beers you are talking about,” she said.

“Seriously we just ordered those beers ten minutes ago,” I said.

“Listen, do you really want to debate me on this or do you want to tell me what the fuck you want to order?” she yelled at me.

At that point I walked out with plans never to return because at this point I had been purposely ignored, stolen from and laughed at. After smoking a cigarette with no sign of my buddies, I reentered the bar only to find out that one of them had paid for another round of beers from the venomous skankbag and also tipped her fat in the process. I know you are thinking why the hell any sane person would be foolish enough to give more money to such a thieving bitch but once again that is another blog for another day.

Sipping the frosty pint in front of me calmed me for the moment. This calm lasted briefly as I noticed that amongst the dirty glassware the venomous skankbag was too lazy to wash were my buddies and my three near full beers. When we pointed this fact out to the venomous skankbag she ignored us at first.

“Those aren’t your fucking beers so just stop fucking crying like a bunch of pussies and drink what the fuck is in front of you,” she said after further questioning.

I have never finished a pint faster in my life. I was done with being disrespected and out the door in less than two minutes. Someone that bad at their job should be not just be fired but marched in front of a firing squad. At the very least she should be forced to seek an occupation more suited to her skill set like returning to the corner she was hatched at to commonly walk the street.  

Jon Domino

April 12, 2013

Southern California craft beer overlord, Stone, usually known for their employees’ humble attitude and the brew pub’s beautiful beer gardens has come under close public scrutiny after a couple of violent incidents took place on their property. Both incidents resulted in injuries, one of which was fatal.

The first incident took place at the brewery’s Stone Cider release. Two hipsters got into a heated argument about whose chest tattoo was better when a break dance fight broke out. Unfortunately for one of these heated hipsters, his skinny jeans were too tight and as he tried to twist his left knee the bone moved but the flesh did not, resulting in a gruesome compact fracture.

The second incident in question took place last Wednesday during Stone’s weekly California Condor Wing Night promotion. As usual the place was packed with ill tempered rich people since the delicious wings of this endangered species are on special every Wednesday for fifty-five and sixty-five dollars a wing.

On this particular California Condor Wing Night one customer was extremely upset that he couldn’t take his wings to go. The floor manager was forced to step in and did so with a blade in his hand. He then stabbed the unruly patron five times in the face in front of a full restaurant. The floor manager, who has since been fired, had to be restrained from stabbing other random customers who  he screamed had crossed him on past California Condor wing nights.

Under great public criticism and amidst a press nightmare Stone announced that for the first time ever they were going to hire a head of security whose sole job it would be to maintain the safety of both Stone employees and their customers. The search began and for a moment it seemed like the general drunken public’s outrage and verbal abuse had ceased.

The search ended with the highly controversial announcement that former mafia enforcer and known felon, Jon Domino, was being hired for the head of security position. Public outrage ensued yet again. People questioned why Stone, which boasts to be a family friendly establishment, would bring in a man notorious for being extremely violent to ensure their customer and staff’s safety.

Jon Domino was born in 1976 in Patterson, NJ to Shaun and Shauna Domino. Shaun Domino was a low rent thug who ripped off Kwik-E-Marts and toy stores and Shauna was a common street walker. Jon Domino’s first assault charge was filed against him when he was fourteen by Shaun Domino. Allegedly the son broke the father’s pinkie over a controversial call while playing the family’s favorite sport, dominoes.

Jon Domino dropped out of high school in 1993 to pursue a highly promising career in the mafia. Domino started out as a runner for the Pacino family but quickly advanced up through the ranks. With a heavy drinking problem and a relentless violent streak Domino made his way up to the esteemed position of enforcer for the Pacino family.

Domino was a sort of loose cannon, often breaking people’s legs for little or no reason. Don Don Pacino looked the other way due to Domino’s great performance as an enforcer. Despite several trips to jail a year Domino still dominated the mafia world in stats. For an eight year period between the years 1998-2006 Domino led all enforcers with the most legs broken, most bitches smacked and, by a large margin, most conjugal visits.

In 2008 Domino was forced to leave the Pacino family due to the fact that he had sex with two of Don Don Pacino’s wives and three of his mistresses. When the family turned on him Domino fled out to the West Coast settling in Los Angeles where he worked as a rotating random criminal character on various versions of Law and Order.

Now hired as the head of security at one of the most powerful breweries in the world Jon Domino took questions from the media in the middle of the breweries beautiful garden.

Jon Domino approaches the podium dressed in a black vest that says Officer Domino on the right breast and Stone Head of Security on the left breast. He is visibly armed with several firearms, a crossbow, a machete and several cans of pepper spray.

“What’s your motto for life?” asks reporter one.

“I’ve never met a pair of fucking legs I couldn’t break,”  answers Jon Domino.

“What are your thoughts on Stone’s no smoking policy?” asks reporter two.

Domino pulls a camel light from the front pocket of his vest and lights it.

“I love it and I look forward to enforcing that policy with extreme fucking prejudice,” answers Domino.

“What do you think of the beautiful grounds here at Stone?” asks reporter three as he puts his cell phone in Domino’s face to record the response.

“The grounds are beautiful and there are plenty of them. I see a lot of good spots to dispose of my enemies,” answers Domino.

Domino notices the cell phone is recording him.

“You god damn swine are you recording this?” yells Domino.

He rips the cell phone out of reporter three’s hand and smashes it under his foot.

“Hey, Jon Domino says go fuck yourself, this cock sucking press conference is over,” yells Domino as he storms off.

Three weeks into Jon Domino’s tenure as the head of security at Stone and there hasn’t been one incident. What that says to this reporter is while Jon Domino might be offensive and extremely dangerous he gets the job done. Maybe all restaurants/ breweries/bars should follow Stone’s successful lead and add a little Domino to their business plan.

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

Churchill’s Renaissance IV

March 1, 2013

March 2nd 2013 promises to be the greatest day in the history of beer. At 11 am tomorrow Churchill’s Renaissance IV, A New Hope, begins and this year’s installation will prove itself to be the greatest craft beer and food festival San Diego has ever seen. Now, for my money that means Churchill’s Renaissance IV will be the greatest craft beer and food festival in the history of the entire world.

This year’s Renaissance marks the ten year anniversary of publican Ivan Derezin’s hostile takeover of the pub. Under his watch it has transformed from a back alley rug munching swingers bar into the premier craft beer and food pub anywhere. To honor this momentous event Derezin and his staff have devoted themselves to making Churchill’s Renaissance IV the greatest party that you, the general drunken public, has ever had the pleasure of getting shit faced at.

Our draft lineup tomorrow is being hailed as the greatest assortment of craft beer ever offered anywhere. Certifiable Craft Beer Connoisseur Jordan Wilson has done a lot of things he will most likely live to regret to put together such a rare collection of beers. Two of the highlights of this year’s lineup are Bear Republic’s Churchill X IPA and Mother Earth’s Winsten Tenth Anniversary DIPA both of which are being released for the first time anywhere tomorrow.

Last year’s line began at 3:10 am Saturday morning, seven hours and fifty minutes before the pub even opened. As I write this it is 3:24 am Friday morning and this year’s line has already begun. I left the pub forty five minutes ago and saw the first Finest Hour fanatics huddled around fires heating up cold cans of cream of corn as they anxiously awaited Saturday morning to arrive.

These dedicated people will be awarded with not just first choice of the fine beer but also of the amazing craft food we will be offering that day. Mix Master Chef AG Warfield has done the impossible. He has crafted a food menu that rivals our amazing beer menu. When you taste one dish you will want to taste them all. I suggest you bring a belt with seventeen extra notches because once you start eating AGIII’s food you won’t ever want to stop.

Serving this amazing beer and food will be Churchill’s crack staff of craft experts who were voted Best Looking Restaurant Staff for 2012 in this year’s restaurant edition of Penthouse. We are all going to be working extremely hard on Renaissance and will all at one point either be on the verge of freaking out or actually freaking out. So please remember your manners and understand when 850 people show up at a pub all wanting the same thing drinks and food might take a little bit longer than usual to come out.

If you would really like to help us speed up service I highly recommend that you walk through our doors already knowing exactly what it is you want to drink. That means when you approach the bar do so with your first round ready to be ordered. When faced with a bar that is ten deep and a server ticket printer churning out 200 tickets a minute I have no time for you to try to think about what you are ordering. When I ask you what you want if you hesitate for even a half second I will be gone faster than I appeared.

People who are prepared and able to order four beers not by style and not by brewery but by the actual name of the beer will easily get everything they want all day long. Another suggestion is once you have ordered, instead of watching me weave in and out of my equally insanely busy bar mates please pull out your method of payment. Having your cash and credit card ready saves us all precious seconds and allows me to move on to the next customer craving my attention. Trust me your fellow drunk will thank you.

While this all may sound intimidating don’t fear because despite the massive crowd, overworked staff and the possibility of vomit around every corner Churchill’s Renaissance IV will be the most fun you’ve had since you lost your virginity. So get those tents ready because the madness has already begun and if you have any chance of getting a coveted pour off the last keg of 2012 Stone Bro in existence I suggest you get in line an hour ago.

Thanks Given

November 24, 2012

Ever since I was a young boy Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Hanging out with the people you love the most plus turkey plus football equals the greatest day of the year. Now as a grownup I appreciate it even more as I realize that there are many people and places and things that I am very thankful for. When I was younger I used to think it was stupid when my mother would make everyone at the table take a moment to talk about what they were thankful for, but nowadays I think that is an important part of my favorite holiday so I figured why not share mine with you, the general drunken public.

First and foremost I am thankful for my family, friends and beautiful fiancé. Without these loved ones I would not be the man that I am today. I am thankful to work at Churchill’s Pub and Grille the greatest craft food/beer pub with the best staff in the entire world. While our competitors choose to serve suspect mac and cheese or promote club night with DJ Glowstick or offer drink specials where when you buy a pint you get a $2 shot of 151 and a free match we at Churchill’s do what we have always done, offer great service and freshly prepared food served alongside delicious beer.

I am thankful to Stone Brewery who honored me with the right of being the first person to break the news of their special San Diego Beer Week beer release. Sales on Stone Lite, Stone Hef and Stone Original have been through the roof but the top seller has been Stone Bro of which they have sold so much they are running out of donkey piss to fill the bottles with.

I am thankful to Human Female Hyenas who prowl the night with a hint of flavored vodka and semen on their breath. Without these pack hunting skanks men in bars all across the country would be lost at last call left only with the option of going home alone and whacking off to internet porn. A word of advice to all you lonesome losers getting laid by women older than your mother wrap that shit up B.

I am thankful for hipsters. Without them homeless people would have no one dressed the same as them. I love to watch a group of hipsters sip on poor man’s PBR while wearing two hundred dollar cardigans as they bitch over the infection their cock ring gave them.

I am thankful to reality television for keeping backwoods rednecks, teenage whores and rich white housewives current in our modern society. Without it how else would any of those people make a living that didn’t involve ditch digging, dick sucking or spending other people’s money.

I am thankful to Tim Tebow for being the most talked about backup quarterback/punt protector in the history of football. Without him ESPN would go out of business. I am also very thankful for Robert Griffin III for being the best player in the league, being highly attractive but mainly because he is not Tim Tebow.

I am thankful to bad parents especially when they display their bad parenting in public. While their misbehaving kids are obnoxious and the parents disinterested they act as one of the strongest forms of birth control on the market, and it’s free. I believe high school kids should be trapped in a room with bad parents as a way to deter teen pregnancy which is rampant in this country. Bad parents also make those women who are in long term relationships and can’t wait to have a kid think twice about poking holes in their boyfriend’s condoms.

I am thankful to bad tippers, bros, whistlers and people who believe they know everything about the bar business because they bartended their frat’s homo erotic initiation all male mixer one night. While at times these schmucks make my life a living hell they also put my job into perspective. For every coked up whore who accuses me of not pouring any vodka in her eighteenth vodka red bull there is a regular who is friendly, polite, funny and tips well. Without the customers who make me tell them to go fuck themselves I might fail to appreciate the importance of all the regulars who make this world wonderful.

Lastly I would like to thank the twenty-two year old skank from last night who told me I was going to die of a heart attack because I wouldn’t serve her or her boyfriend who was dressed like Brandon Lee from The Crow. I guess I’m not thankful to her personally but more to the fact that a whore of her caliber will someday die a painful death from one of the many STD’s she has contracted from her years of trolling street corners and that fact brings a thankful smile to my face.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

Stone Bro

November 3, 2012

In honor of San Diego Beer Week which started Friday, November 2nd, internationally beloved microbrewery and distributor of other microbreweries, Stone Brewery, has just announced the release of four new beers. They believe these new beers will solidify their title of making the best craft beer in all of San Diego which, in the beer community, means the world. The announcement has beer aficionados from all over foaming at the mouth in anticipation of what promises to be some of the best new beers to ever be released.

For years Stone has been accused of not making a beer palatable to those people who prefer light beer. Usually the brewers at Stone prefer to make complex full flavored beers that please the palate of a more refined beer drinker. In an attempt to turn more people onto craft beer Stone decided to brew Stone Lite, an American Lager that is literally so light that you can’t even taste it. Best served in a chilled glass over ice, Stone Lite has an alcohol by volume of 3.9% and as of Friday can be found at every bar in the State.

Stone is famous for not making fizzy, yellow beer which is normally what an American lager resembles and Stone Lite is no different. It is extremely fizzy but it looks more like water so it isn’t yellow, but see-through. Some might say making a beer like Stone Lite is selling out, but I see it as a bridge to a whole new set of customers.

Guys who play in six different adult softball leagues who roll into bars with the sleeves cut off of their shirts that normally order 12 Bud Lights could now be satisfied with a Stone Lite which tastes like nothing as opposed to tasting like shit. Or that classy broad who likes to down 9 Corona’s on a Tuesday afternoon and then go down on whatever unlucky guy is within two stools of her can say that she is a craft beer drinker.

Stone Hef, named for the great Hugh Hefner is the second beer Stone will be releasing in honor of San Diego Beer Week 2012. Stone Hef is a hefeweizen, a German style wheat beer. Most fans of hefeweizen’s here in America like to garnish their wheat beer with an orange or lemon. If you were to tell old, most likely racist, German brewers that young American’s were garnishing their hefeweizens with whatever fruit is readily available they would firebomb us.

Their explanation of such a violent act would be that by introducing a variable from outside the conventional way the beer has been brewed you ruin the beer’s natural flavor and thus make all their hard work go to shit. Stone has never been one to stick to conventional brewing methods and encourages those that choose to enjoy Stone Hef to garnish it with an avocado slice which is also a sign of support for local avocado growers all over Southern California.

Stone Original is going to be an exotic blend of Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale. Now, all those idiots who think that Stone Brewery only makes those two beers can enjoy them both in one bottle. You might think that a brewery of Stone’s production and popularity wouldn’t have to deal with being stereotyped, but it happens on a daily basis.

Stone Original takes the thinking out ordering a beer for those people ignorant enough to truly believe that Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale are the only beers made by Stone Brewery. People all the time who claim that Stone is their favorite brewery and that every beer they make is delicious will turn their nose up when you inform them that you don’t have Stone IPA or Stone Pale. Then when you offer them another Stone alternative they look at you like you’re an asshole.

Yeah, I’m the asshole because what lover of Stone Brewery would ever want anything other than the IPA or Pale? It’s these schmucks that Stone hopes to reach out to with Stone Original. What if a bar doesn’t carry it, what then you ask? Never fear Stone has informed all its accounts that in order to keep getting beer from Stone they must carry Stone Original all the time, forever.

The fourth and final beer Stone plans to release for San Diego Beer Week is called Stone Bro. They have promised that it will be their most arrogant and boldest beer ever. The story behind Stone Bro is that hundreds of bartenders from all over Southern California wrote or called Stone Brewery complaining about the way some Stone customers order their beer.

As any smart company should Stone Brewery did whatever it could to please the masses. That’s why they made Stone Bro. It is one hundred percent donkey urine served warm straight out of the bottle because anyone who walks up to a bar and orders a Stone, bro, deserves to drink animal piss.

Happy San Diego Beer Week!

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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Buy My Book

July 7, 2012

The United States has just announced that starting this year July 22nd will for now on be known as National Buy a Book Day. America has done so in an effort to encourage not just young people, but everyone to read more. To honor this yearly holiday major cable providers have agreed to only play re-runs of Christian Bale’s new reality TV show “I am a Robot” in an effort to make American’s shut their television’s off. Book stores all over the country will be offering discounts on all books for this one day only and avid readers will have an opportunity to stock up on all the books they always wanted but couldn’t afford.

As the head of the literature department here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I can safely say on behalf of our entire company we applaud our fine country’s decision to honor reading. We have supported the bill endorsing National Buy a Book Day since the first day it was introduced to Congress. It has been a long time coming as is anything with the government, but for once it looks like somebody somewhere finally got something right.

To help celebrate National Buy a Book Day we have decided to release Love Life, which is the long awaited second novel by yours truly, on Friday the 13th of July, 2012. That Friday copies of Love Life will be available on Amazon.com and on Kindle as well. It will be an honor to have my novel released when not only reading books, but more importantly, buying books is a nationally imposed policy. We have decided to release Love Life right before National Buy A Book Day not just for me, but for the Nation. Many people have inquired when my second novel would be released and we believe giving the people the book they want will help draw readers out to help celebrate National Buy a Book Day.

Love Life is the story of Hunter Jack whose name will soon be tattooed on my left arm. Hunter Jack comes from money and tragedy. Due to heartbreak early in his life he has become obsessed with his own death. A social outcast, Hunter struggles through high school and college. His self-inflicted solitude inspires him to become an aspiring author. Repeated rejection of his words drives him to the brink of fulfilling his suicidal destiny. These desperate thoughts end when the lovely Karenelise moves in next door. Hunter falls for her and discovers that life might have more than heartbreak to offer. When Karenelise’s dangerous past catches up to her, Hunter is thrust into a violent fight to protect the only reason he has left to continue living.

There will be a book release/signing party for Love Life the night of National Buy a Book day. It stands to be the keynote event on a day loaded with action packed literary activities. It will be the first time Love Life will be available for purchase directly from me, the author. We will be hosting the Love Life book signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille in San Marcos, CA. Churchill’s is widely known throughout the country as being the best craft beer bar in the entire world so releasing my second novel there is an honor.  I would like to personally thank publican Ivan Derezin for supporting our nation’s dedication to reading. There will be specials on draft beer, appetizers and well drinks so bring a thirst not just for literature but for booze and food as well.

In addition to being able to purchase copies of my new book Love Life at the book release/signing party; I will also have very limited copies of the Author’s Cut of First Light, my first novel. It is a special edition that includes the audio book read by the internationally known bartender and penalty kick goaltender Tony Dowson. This is the only time this edition of First Light will be available until I order more copies from the publisher. If you buy a copy of either book or even bring copies of either book with you to the signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille I will sign them all for free. If you want to bring books written by other author’s I will sign those as well for a dollar a letter. At some point during the release/signing party of Love Life we will have a group reading session to honor National Buy a Book Day.

On Sunday July 22nd, the first annual National Buy a Book day Americans everywhere will be encouraged to get out to book stores and start buying all the books they always wished they had. Everyone is then encouraged to end this National day for literary hijinks at Churchill’s Pub and Grille where Churchill’s and GuerillaDeSwine Productions will be co- hosting the Love Life book signing/release party at 4 pm. It promises to be a wonderful day of celebration, but what is most important to remember is that America wants you to buy more books, beginning with Love Life, by Jonathan Avella.

When Hipsters Attack!

March 31, 2012

Beware North County we are under attack. The invasion is underway. Hide your moustache wax, sweater vests, mustard colored skinny jeans and tall boys of PBR. The hipsters are coming. I recently traveled to the belly of the beast, North Park, aka Hipster Headquarters, to try to get a handle on this pretentious phenomenon before it is too late for us innocent folk to survive.

What I found was a community overrun with these hipsters. There are few normal humans left down there. The streets are littered with guys walking around with sunglasses in the rain with their hands tucked into gray sweater vests unaware that raindrops dangle from the curly ends of their well-manicured moustaches while their skinny jeans threaten to cut off all circulation in their lower body.

I believe these are all strategic wardrobe choices. They wear their shades at all hours of the day to hide the fact that they just cried because the coffee house was out of their favorite mocha tocha gelato vende cream drink. The curled moustache gives their hands something to do as they mindlessly talk about how cool they are. It seems obvious to me that hipsters are constantly cold even in the middle of August which explains why they always have on a sweater vest or scarf or wool hat. Lastly we have the skinny jeans. Honestly these made the least amount of sense to me at first. In my opinion the last thing I want to wear is a pair of pants that have to be painted on to me. Upon further thought it dawned on me that the reason these hipsters wear such constricting jeans is because it makes their junk look bigger. This must be because all the blood from their legs is forced up into their genital region as soon as the suffocating denim is applied and the result is that their balls swell to an alarming size.

Female hipsters may be more frightening. They dress exactly the same as the male hipsters so it can be hard to tell which is which. Often times one has to get within hearing distance of a hipster’s conversation to determine its gender. I followed one female hipster exclusively despite the direct detriment this act inflicted upon my brain. What I found is that she demanded constant attention and when people finally awarded her with it she had nothing important to say.

The one thing I found I had in common with hipsters was my love of alcohol. This made it easier to follow them as having a drink was necessary when coming in contact with them. They truly love their PBR, which is funny because North Park is full of great beer to choose from. Do the hipsters care? No. As long as their PBR’s are tall and cold they will have none of that other tasty stuff.

Now I know hipsters aren’t directly dangerous to our physical well-being. That’s not what I’m worried about. It is the mental state of us as a species that concerns me. I for one believe that a world filled with over-tattoed guys with one leg of their skinny jeans rolled up because they ride bicycles (I guess?) and arguing with other hipsters about what would be more retro “bro”, having an eyebrow or cock ring. To me it seems like if we let the hipsters take over we will be cursed to drink tall boys of PBR ourselves. I know these notions are disturbing but we must face our fear if we have any chance of preserving our sanity.

North County has already been infiltrated to some degree. Fortunately our hipsters are outnumbered so their influence over our lives is minimal. Beware I say though. They may scare now easily but if they return, and in greater numbers, we will have a full-fledged war on our hands. From now on let them know you don’t approve. Feel free to tell that dip shit who just walked into a bar at midnight with shades on that his future isn’t that bright. Or the next time you watch a guy take twenty minutes to put on his scarf and jacket in the middle of August let him know if he can spend that much time getting bundled up outside it isn’t that cold.

To any hipsters who happen to read this, don’t worry, it’s never too late. We can remove those shades from your head although it will take several weeks for your eyes to adjust back to natural light. We could just clip the curly corners off that skinny moustache of yours, but due to the large quantity of grease trapped between the hairs it is highly recommended to remove the entire thing. The sweater vest is simple, just take it off and donate it to a shelter so that someone who might actually have to stay warm for survival could use it. Taking off those skinny jeans is going to require the Jaws of Life but once you do your private parts will thank you.

The Bad Bartender Chronicles II

March 24, 2012

A major problem with the bar industry today is that a lot of male bar owners/managers make hiring decisions based off approval by their dick instead of their brain. As a result, instead of ending up with a quality bartender they hire some super hot bimbo with boobs bigger than their heads who can barely pour an ice water. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of really good female bartenders, some of which are really hot. That’s not the point. This isn’t a beauty contest and the bottom line is if I wanted to stare at a hot chick who can’t keep my drink filled with booze because she is too busy flirting with her nineteen year old barback I would go to a strip club. When I am out drinking, I want my drinks strong and fast and it doesn’t matter if a gremlin is serving me as long as my glass stays full.

Usually, the idea behind hiring a hot female bartender who cares more about her makeup than the customers is based on the fact that most of the people frequenting a bar on a regular basis are men. It is then assumed that when drinking men must have a half dressed hottie serving them alcohol. In that sense men are seen as animals who constantly crave the sight of the opposite sex and when this craving is mixed with booze it gets worse. If that is the case then we as men are very simple creatures and are at best one step above a coyote with our snarling teeth and saliva covered chins.

There is some truth to the idea that all most men need to be satisfied with a bar is to have a glorified stripper with pouring privileges serving drinks slowly. I would estimate that seventy percent of men really are that simple. I know a lot of guys who frequent bars based strictly on what the bar staff looks like. What’s funny is that what all of these guys have in common is their belief that one day they will take that sexy bartender home with them.

That notion is foolish and quite frankly laughable. Hot female bartenders make a living off saps who swear they are one step away from getting laid. News flash jack ass all that flirting you and her just shared was monetarily motivated on her part and ten seconds after you walked away she started flirting with someone else.

This false confidence grows when men are fed booze and by the end of the night a good female bartender will have a bar full of men truly believing that they have a shot. Even after the door guy has cleared these drunken lechers out from the bar as they head home they do so with the confidence that next time they truly will get lucky with their favorite bartender. Although this sounds pretty pathetic it happens at bars all over the world and evidently as much as we as a species adapt and improve ourselves, drunken men believing hot girls half their age are down to bone is a mentality even evolution can’t overcome.

In our modern world which favors gender equality there are few jobs females are at a disadvantage of obtaining other than being president. Men on the other hand find hardships when trying to enter many a job field, especially so in the bar business. Despite the fact that this double standard has been set due in large to ogling men who care more about their spank bank than good service it is still unfair.

It is a fact that finding a job as a male bartender is exponentially more difficult than it is for a woman. I am the proof. When I moved out to California I had four years of bar tending experience along with a year of bar management experience and I couldn’t even get a job at Chili’s. One bar manager looked me dead in the eye and said that he didn’t think he’d ever seen a male apply for a position. I felt the urge to smack him across the face for even sliding me an application and then watching me fill it out before sharing this information with me. Luckily after some lean times a wise man took a chance on my overqualified ass as a busboy and the rest is bar history.

Once men get a leg in behind the bar they have to work twice as hard as a woman to earn a decent wage. I have seen a good looking girl get a hundred dollar tip from a creepy and greasy looking businessman even though it took her ten minutes to acknowledge him and another twenty to figure out how to open his Bud Light. Trust me; no one is ever going to tip me a hundred bucks just to stand there with a confused look on my face no matter how pretty my beard is that day.

I urge you the drunken masses to demand competence over big tits. Don’t stand for shitty service just because some bar owner thinks his office is the casting couch of a cheap porn website. Let’s take our bars back and move forward into a world where bartenders aren’t judged on their jugs but their ability. Let’s forgo fantasies of nymphomaniac female bartenders who will fuck you just for tipping well and move into a reality where every bartender around knows that there is no cranberry juice in a vodka tonic.


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