Posts Tagged ‘douchebag’

GULPU VS. The Government

June 30, 2012

To all the fans out there who are anxiously awaiting the launch of GULPU.com as president of the site’s parent company, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, I would like to personally apologize for the website’s delayed release. As with most things that are delayed GULPU’s is directly related to government interference. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to such interference as we are a company that promotes free speech, sex and thought which are rights that all conflict with what the government believes we the general public should have.

It all started with a four letter website that I am legally not allowed to name due to the fact that my attorney and I are still knee deep in an intense legal battle that could make or break the future of GULPU. This website that shall remain nameless is privately owned by none other than the government. That became clear when I received a letter with a return address of the White House claiming that the premise of GULPU.com was an infringement on this other four letter website’s business plan. It closed with a threat that if we did not halt the development of GULPU.com that the government would personally see to it to put GuerillaDeSwine Productions out of business.

I get a lot of letters from the government telling me I am not allowed to do all sorts of things whether it’s my lucrative great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) or my beloved hobby of hunting endangered animals. However, if I stopped doing all the things I do that aren’t government-approved I would have nothing left to do but watch reality T.V. and read TimTebow biographies. As with all the letters I receive from the government I recycled this last one into toilet paper. Little did I know their investment in this four-letter website was more important to them than I first perceived.

Two weeks after I wiped my ass with the letter on the eve of GULPU.com being finished our web designer went missing along with all his GULPU files. We knew instantly this was an inside job as we had locked our designer in an underground bunker in a desert in New Mexico to ensure that he would be undisturbed. After personally torturing the entire staff of GuerillaDeSwine Productions by forcing them to watch a show featuring a 16 year old pregnant gypsy contemplating which wedding dress best matched her pack of camel lights I easily found our snitch.

Fortunately they were keeping our designer in a bunker right next door to the bunker we had been keeping him in. God bless the government. I assembled a team of door guys and we swiftly moved in and easily dispatched of a small team of unarmed government secret agents. We found our designer caged and unfed but more importantly the GULPU files were gone. We were going to have to start from scratch.

When we returned to headquarters we found the lawsuit letter which had no mention of the government. Apparently the four letter website was suing us and didn’t want the general public to know their main financial backer was the government. That is where we stand now. Never fear for I have an extremely expensive lawyer and he and I believe that there are many differences between GULPU.com and the one that shall not be named. The most fundamental of which is that the people who will be writing reviews on GULPU.com are professionals in the field of which they will be reviewing. The same cannot be said for the four-letter site that gives any slack-jawed yokel with a lap top and too many Long Islands in their system an open forum to hate on hard working people. My lawyer and I also believe that without secret involvement from the government this case would have been thrown out immediately by any judge worth their gavel.

We shall overcome this government-inspired oppression but we cannot do so without the support of you, the general public. That is why we have launched a GULPU.com coming soon page. There you will be able to sign up with your email as a show of support for our right to freely talk shit about douchebags who lack respect and common sense. In other words sign up now and let the government know that embarrassing the ignorant is your birth given right. The address for the GULPU.com coming soon site is, ready? http://www.gulpu.com

In addition to supporting a noble cause for basic human freedom by signing up with your email at GULPU.com you will also instantly be put on our email list and will receive updates on the case, our eventual victory and all the latest GULPU.com launch news. Be the first to know when GULPU.com is up and running so you can be the first reviewer. If you are one of the lucky first twenty you will not only get a limited edition GULPU.com release tee-shirt, you will also receive an invite to the launch pool party featuring food cooked by a world renowned chef who once starred in a high profile HBO show.

The GULPU.com coming soon site launched yesterday and there is a link above and also one under blogroll on the right hand side of this page so all you GULPU enthusiasts be sure to visit the site and sign up with your email. As for the actual GULPU site it will be ready soon. I feel the government weakening and that the power of freedom will soon prevail. So get your curse words and witty tales of human douchebaggery ready because your chance at review evolution is right around the corner.

I’m a Bartender

April 21, 2012

A guy approaches the bar. I finish helping my current customer and then move on to him.

“How are you doing? What can I get for you?” I ask.

“Yeah good. I just got off work. I’m a bartender down at …”

He continues to talk but as soon as I hear “I’m a bartender” not only do I stop listening but my internal douchebag alert sounds off at a frequency too loud to ignore. This may seem like an innocent statement to you but I know better. He didn’t name drop his occupation because he wanted to talk shop and discuss different ways to pour a vodka cranberry. This dick toast is trying to get the hook up, but I am not going to fall for it.

It is clear this guy is new to the business. Young bartenders always feel really cool when they first start out and for some reason assume that bartending is some secret order that allows them to drink for free wherever they go. Some of my best customers are bartenders who I hook up on occasion but this is due to them being cool or having proved over time to be a good tipper not because of what they do.

Then there is the guy who within five minutes of meeting you starts promising free shit at his bar.

“Hey bro, I bartend down at D Street. You should come check it out. If I’m working I’ll hook you up fat.”

Obviously this guy believes he will in turn get hooked up at my bar. This is not the case. Just the opposite because anyone willing to give away the bar to a complete stranger isn’t going to have a job for very long. I learned a long time ago that giving away free booze is a great way to get fired.

A lot of times people who have a complaint will claim to be a bartender. That is their attempt at establishing what they call in the crack business “street cred.” How could they be wrong if they do this for a living, allegedly, and why shouldn’t they be showered with free booze as a result?

Like the girl who slams her half drank glass on my bar interrupting my interaction with another customer. I ignore her and try to focus on the transaction at hand.

“Excuse me,” she says.

I ignore her.

“Excuse me,” she says, this time louder.

I finish helping my customer and upon seeing no one else at the bar I approach the girl with the half drank drink.

“What can I do for you?” I ask.

“Um, yeah, my margarita doesn’t have any orange juice in it.”

“I’m sorry I thought you wanted it plain.”

“I did that’s why I was expecting it to have orange juice.”

We stare at each and I quickly realize I am dealing with an inferior species of human.

“There’s no orange juice in a plain margarita but I can…”

“Uh actually I’m a bartender and I have never heard of a margarita that didn’t have orange juice in it,” she says.

I find myself at a crossroads. I can either enter into a debate with an idiot or I can just pour some orange juice in her glass and save my brain cells for more important purposes.

“How about I just pour some orange juice in that drink for you miss?”

“Well I was thinking for my inconvenience my girlfriends and I should get a round of shots on the house. It’s pretty standard to take care of your customers. Every bar I’ve ever worked at would do the same without being asked to.”

This girl is a fraud and so are people like her. Not only was she wrong about what went in her drink but since she is freshly twenty-one I doubt how extensive her experience in the bar business could be.

Former bartenders might be the worst. They can’t wait to tell you how to do your job which according to them they are qualified to do based on the fact that they bartended at the busiest bar in bumfuck Minnesota over a fifteen year span that covered the eighties and early nineties. Believe me that wealth of ancient experience is not going to make statements like, “Why did you do that?” or “I’ve never seen that before,” or  “You want to know how I used to do that?” are not going to get your drink filled faster.

Bartenders beware any person who claims to be in the business within the first five minutes of you talking to them should be double charged for everything they order. If you come across an issue with a so-called “bartender” making unintelligible complaints just pour orange juice in whatever glass they have in front of them. More importantly, if you come across a mouthy veteran of the bar game report them to the Home For Lost Barekeeps so that they may find someone who cares about what a mean mint julep they used to pour.


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