Posts Tagged ‘douchebags’

GULPU VS. The Government

June 30, 2012

To all the fans out there who are anxiously awaiting the launch of GULPU.com as president of the site’s parent company, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, I would like to personally apologize for the website’s delayed release. As with most things that are delayed GULPU’s is directly related to government interference. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to such interference as we are a company that promotes free speech, sex and thought which are rights that all conflict with what the government believes we the general public should have.

It all started with a four letter website that I am legally not allowed to name due to the fact that my attorney and I are still knee deep in an intense legal battle that could make or break the future of GULPU. This website that shall remain nameless is privately owned by none other than the government. That became clear when I received a letter with a return address of the White House claiming that the premise of GULPU.com was an infringement on this other four letter website’s business plan. It closed with a threat that if we did not halt the development of GULPU.com that the government would personally see to it to put GuerillaDeSwine Productions out of business.

I get a lot of letters from the government telling me I am not allowed to do all sorts of things whether it’s my lucrative great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) or my beloved hobby of hunting endangered animals. However, if I stopped doing all the things I do that aren’t government-approved I would have nothing left to do but watch reality T.V. and read TimTebow biographies. As with all the letters I receive from the government I recycled this last one into toilet paper. Little did I know their investment in this four-letter website was more important to them than I first perceived.

Two weeks after I wiped my ass with the letter on the eve of GULPU.com being finished our web designer went missing along with all his GULPU files. We knew instantly this was an inside job as we had locked our designer in an underground bunker in a desert in New Mexico to ensure that he would be undisturbed. After personally torturing the entire staff of GuerillaDeSwine Productions by forcing them to watch a show featuring a 16 year old pregnant gypsy contemplating which wedding dress best matched her pack of camel lights I easily found our snitch.

Fortunately they were keeping our designer in a bunker right next door to the bunker we had been keeping him in. God bless the government. I assembled a team of door guys and we swiftly moved in and easily dispatched of a small team of unarmed government secret agents. We found our designer caged and unfed but more importantly the GULPU files were gone. We were going to have to start from scratch.

When we returned to headquarters we found the lawsuit letter which had no mention of the government. Apparently the four letter website was suing us and didn’t want the general public to know their main financial backer was the government. That is where we stand now. Never fear for I have an extremely expensive lawyer and he and I believe that there are many differences between GULPU.com and the one that shall not be named. The most fundamental of which is that the people who will be writing reviews on GULPU.com are professionals in the field of which they will be reviewing. The same cannot be said for the four-letter site that gives any slack-jawed yokel with a lap top and too many Long Islands in their system an open forum to hate on hard working people. My lawyer and I also believe that without secret involvement from the government this case would have been thrown out immediately by any judge worth their gavel.

We shall overcome this government-inspired oppression but we cannot do so without the support of you, the general public. That is why we have launched a GULPU.com coming soon page. There you will be able to sign up with your email as a show of support for our right to freely talk shit about douchebags who lack respect and common sense. In other words sign up now and let the government know that embarrassing the ignorant is your birth given right. The address for the GULPU.com coming soon site is, ready? http://www.gulpu.com

In addition to supporting a noble cause for basic human freedom by signing up with your email at GULPU.com you will also instantly be put on our email list and will receive updates on the case, our eventual victory and all the latest GULPU.com launch news. Be the first to know when GULPU.com is up and running so you can be the first reviewer. If you are one of the lucky first twenty you will not only get a limited edition GULPU.com release tee-shirt, you will also receive an invite to the launch pool party featuring food cooked by a world renowned chef who once starred in a high profile HBO show.

The GULPU.com coming soon site launched yesterday and there is a link above and also one under blogroll on the right hand side of this page so all you GULPU enthusiasts be sure to visit the site and sign up with your email. As for the actual GULPU site it will be ready soon. I feel the government weakening and that the power of freedom will soon prevail. So get your curse words and witty tales of human douchebaggery ready because your chance at review evolution is right around the corner.

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The Whistle Won’t Work

April 14, 2012

There is a special place in hell for anyone disrespectful enough to whistle at a bartender in an attempt to get their attention. In fact I believe that in this unique corner of hell those culprits who have been caught whistling rudely in their past are forced to watch repeat episodes of American Idol on full blast with hourly intervals of random Stained songs that get pumped through a musical catheter of sorts injecting depressing, repetitive, shitty music into their bodies via their private parts.

When I walk my dog I usually let him off the leash so that he may shit and piss freely. If he runs off or is hidden behind a bush I will on occasion whistle in an attempt to get him to come back to me. It works great on a dog because they are simple creatures who can’t necessarily comprehend words, so loud noises are one of the few ways to communicate with them.

Bartenders are not dogs. Therefore just because your Bud Light bottle is empty doesn’t give you the right to treat them like one. Believe me “bro” you waiting an extra twenty seconds to get a fresh bottle of domestic piss won’t kill you but whistling at a bartender might. We are a prideful bunch who put up with a lot of shit on a nightly basis and if you whistle at the wrong grumpy English bartender on a day that his favorite football team has lost to a girl’s high school soccer team it may prove to be the last thing you do on this earth.

The sound of a whistling drunk can make your skin crawl and when it is directed at you the urge to kill can be overwhelming. You must fight this urge with every bone in your body. Murder is the easy way out for both of you. Anyone ignorant enough to whistle at a bartender must be scolded and punished in a loud enough manner to embarrass them in front of everyone else sitting at the bar. It is important to let them know that you are not a dog. You then must explain to them that if they ever whistle at a bartender again they will be 86ed from drinking alcohol anywhere including in their own basement. Then, based on their response you decide whether or not you have the large man standing on the door break both their legs.

At the very least, whistling at the bartender is a great way to go thirsty for the rest of the evening. Not only will you be skipped, but you will be ignored in such a blatant manner that no matter how dumb you are you will get the fact that you fucked up. If you whistle at me I will help everyone else in the entire bar even if I have to start offering table service before I will even consider serving you again. I will tell my barback to go on break so I can run glassware in lieu of pouring you anything. I will enter every credit card slip into my computer as slowly as possible so that you may crave your drink for just a little longer. And then once I have no viable way to possibly ignore you anymore I will smoke a cigarette.

I bet you are wondering if you can’t call a bartender bro or sugar nipples or big dog or baby or snap your fingers or scream or whistle, how are you ever going to get a drink around here? The answer to that is only found when one truly understands that using these words or whistling is actually not going to get you served faster. It will give you just the opposite. Bartenders have a great memory and hold a grudge all the way to their grave. Once you are labeled a whistler you are a whistler for life. In fact other bartenders who you haven’t ever whistled at will be able to recognize you for what you are and the drinks will continually be coming out slower and slower until one day when they finally stop.

You the general drunken public should be offended as well. The last thing you want as you’re peacefully sipping a frosty pint is for some bag of dick to stroll up to the bar and whistle as loud as he can. I recommend the next time this happens you stop what you are doing and stare at the culprit in disgust. Feel free to point and I highly encourage you alert others that there has been a serious bar infraction. Let’s make it clear to this disrespectful douchebag and those like him that we as a people will not stand for that sort of behavior any longer .

GULPU.com Launch Update

April 7, 2012

As CEO of GuerillaDeSwine Productions the parent company of GULPU.com I would like to personally thank everyone out there for being so patient in regards to the release of the GULPU website. I am pleased to say that we have finally found a web designer crazy enough to work with us. He nailed the swimsuit competition and completed the aquatic obstacle course in record time. Now that he has signed the contract he is under my control. He will be working twenty three hour days with a shit, shower, sleep and smoke break all rolled into his one hour of down time. This may sound extreme but our scientists here have found that people work harder when they are miserable.

What this means to you, the general public, is that GULPU.com will be up in no time so start getting your reviews ready. I recommend you organize your reviews from worst to best. That way the really big douchebags will be exposed as putrid individuals immediately. For example, if you come across a skankified college student who thinks it’s okay for twenty-two year olds to dump ranch and ketchup into a pint glass just so a busboy has to clean it up definitely post her review immediately in an effort to save a future busboy from extra work when he happens upon this frosty bitch.

That’s what GULPU.com is all about. We are here to help you help your fellow man. By calling out a customer who clearly has no clue what it means to be a respectful and contributing member of society they may read it and say, “you know what I am a raging bitch.” Sometimes this will work and sometimes it won’t but if it stops one fucktard from whistling at a bartender think what a great contribution you have just made to society.

The more people who read or leave reviews on GULPU.com the stronger we as working folk will become. Banding together against the evil tyranny that makes up seventy percent of the consumer public will form a bond no frat boy’s self-entitled attitude will ever be able to break. In order to strengthen our GULPU community as soon as possible it would be wise to begin to spread the word about GULPU.com to your family, friends, fuckmates, co-workers, as well as any random employee of all restaurants, bars, taverns, pubs, retail stores, video stores, call centers, any customer support or really any job or industry that has the word customer in its title that you may come in contact with.

We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions appreciate your support and would like to reward our most loyal customers. In an effort to do so we will be offering a prize for the first twenty people to leave reviews on GULPU.com once the website is up and fully functional. That’s right; the first twenty people to post their precious words on our site will receive a rare gift package!

This gift package includes a GULPU LAUNCH tee-shirt signed by Mr. GuerillaDeSwine himself. (The signature is optional). There will only be twenty of these release tee-shirts and they will be cooler than the GULPU.com tee-shirts we will have available for purchase to the general public. In addition to these one-time only specialty tee-shirts GULPU.com’s first twenty participants will receive an invitation to the GULPU Website Release Pool Party where the invitees will get to meet and swim with the lead singer of The Paragraphs, the band that insanely popular local magazine Happy Endings called, “The most kick-ass band in North County.” In addition to getting to meet a local celebrity there will be good beer, stiff cocktails, tasty BBQ and all the cornhole you can handle.

So start documenting all the evil shit the people you serve have ever done to you and be a part of the GULPU community. Alert as many other people as possible about our future existence so that the inaugural release becomes a successful one. Our success helps you and anyone who has ever ended a double by sucking vomit out of a sink with a shopvac. Be one of the first twenty GULPU reviewers and receive the prize package of a lifetime. Most importantly remember that the next time a scumbag squeezes your ass then stiffs you because you asked him to leave GULPU is here to help you fight back.


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