Posts Tagged ‘food runner’

Jesse W., Vista CA. GULPU.COM

January 21, 2012

I was in the last hour of a double getting ready to close out my last tab when a mother in her mid-twenties came in with her two sons. They looked to be around nine or ten, and were extremely loud. The mother was too engrossed in her cell phone conversation to care. When I went to greet them I noticed the kids had dumped sugar all over the table and were now doing the same with the salt and pepper. I offered them drinks and when she finally put her phone down she demanded a Long Island Iced Tea.

She was on the phone again when I returned with the drinks and the kids were now pouring sugar directly into their mouths. In the span of a minute they had each swallowed three packets worth of sugar. This whole time the mother was on her phone. She held her finger up to signal for me to wait. I did so for another several minutes before giving up and walking away. As soon as I did I heard her yell “Hey” as loud as she could. I begrudgingly returned to the table. As I did I caught the end of her phone conversation which included the words “stupid fucking waiter…”

She hung up the phone.

“Is there any alcohol in this because it tastes awfully weak?”

As she spoke I could smell the alcohol steaming off her breath. I tried to explain that there was no such thing as a weak Long Island, but she wasn’t having it. Even though she had drank half of it I brought her a new one.

I took the food orders as well as another Long Island order and walked away. All three of them got burgers, although the two kids were sharing one. By the time the food came out she was ready for her third Long Island in twenty minutes. When I returned with her drink she was sitting at the table by herself. The kids were dumping sugar on all the other tables in the dining room and screeching at the top of their lungs. I waited for her to say something, but when it became evident that she was okay ignoring the little bastards I intervened.

“Hey guys. Foods ready. How about you go join your Mom.”

The response from both of them was to shove their middle fingers in my face. My patience dwindled but I fought the urge to strangle them.

“Excuse me,” the mother yelled.

I returned to the table. She told me not to speak to her children because I wasn’t their father. I cringed at the thought that someone actually had sex with this awful woman, not just once, but twice. She waved me away and ordered another Long Island.  When I returned the kids were sitting on the floor punching each other.

She had inhaled her burger, but informed me that her kids hadn’t liked theirs. I looked at their burger. It hadn’t been touched. I wondered if the bastards were too full on sugar and stupidity to be able to eat anything more. I asked her how they knew they didn’t like it if they hadn’t even tasted it. She was grossly offended and demanded her check. I took the kids burger off the check in hopes of avoiding any confrontation. She informed me that it was unethical for me to charge her for all four of her Long Island Iced Tea’s when the first one had been so weak. I swallowed my pride and apologized and took one off the bill paying for it with money out of my own pocket. They left a half hour after we were supposed to be closed. In addition to not tipping the dining room was trashed by her demon seeds. As I wiped sugar off of everything I actually found myself grateful for our encounter as it gave me a newfound respect for birth control. I beg you mam please forget how you got here.

GULPU!!!

January 6, 2012

The government has informed me via a sealed letter that due to legal restrictions the website GULP is not available for public use. Apparently, although I can neither confirm nor deny whether what I am about to say is true, the term GULP is the name of some sort of secret government program which the government wishes to keep the general public from learning about. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to Government interference in our business and are pleased to announce that what was once GULP.COM is now GULPU.COM! The website is still under construction but the response to our initial announcement of GULPU has been overwhelming. Here is just one of the many GULPU reviews we have already received.

Emily B. San Marcos, CA

Two ex or current streetwalkers walked in the other night. One had on a puffy jacket with a fake fur-line collar while the other had shorts short enough to require two hairdos. When asked if they were eating dinner they exchanged annoyed glances and then replied “yes” with an over exaggerated gasp. After looking at a menu skank one asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I fought the urge to ask her if most restaurants she went to listed fake prices or if maybe she was used to bartering for food. When I answered yes she waved me off in disgust.

They were ready to order when I returned with their drinks. One ordered the Mushroom and Bleu burger, well done, which is a wonderful way to ruin a good piece of meat. The other ordered the mac and cheese she had wished to negotiate down in price earlier. In addition she wanted a grilled cheese. I guess walking the streets called for a constant intake of cheese, amongst other things, into her body. I placed the order and fifteen minutes later it was up. When I placed the food on the table the mac skank let me know that she thought the food had taken way too long. I began to explain that ruining a good burger by ordering it well done took extra time but she waved me off before I could finish.

The burger skank flagged me down after taking two bites from her burger. She said there was something funky tasting on it. I pointed out that the mushroom and bleu burger had bleu cheese on it and perhaps that was what gave off a slightly funky taste. She said that wasn’t it. She loved bleu cheese. I took her plate away and had the kitchen make a plain well done burger.

The mac skank flagged me down. She pointed at her mac. She asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I nodded yes. She waved me off. I returned with the well done burger. They both let me know this time that they thought the food had taken way too long. They proceeded to scarf the food down as if it was their first meal in days and that their figure-obsessed pimp may be lurking around a corner somewhere ready to smack them down for eating.

I cleared their plates and listened as the mac skank trash talked the food and restaurant to her friend as if I didn’t exist. Without even looking at me or stopping her conversation she signaled for the check. They left in a hurry so I immediately checked the check book. There was money in it but it was eleven cents short. I decided against going after them when I realized they clearly needed that eleven cents way more than I did. I would have rather paid for their food and once the kitchen was finished making it just throw it away rather than having those two in at all.

Please don’t come back, whoever you are.

Thanks Emily for being a part of GULPU! While we are updating our software for the GULPU.COM launch feel free to leave your reviews in the comment area of this blog.


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