Posts Tagged ‘football’

WE WANT DALLAS

December 28, 2012

My earliest memory as a young football fan is sitting at the dinner table with my family and just as my father goes to take a bite of his steak I lean over and say, “Dad, I think I want to be a Dallas Cowboys fan.”

Upon hearing these words my dad immediately dropped his fork. It made a loud clanging noise as it struck the side of his plate on its way down to the floor. My father’s face twisted in a mixture of anger and disgust. I looked over at my mother. She wore a nervous look on her face. I looked back to my father. He was staring right at me. He leaned slowly over to me.

“Cowboy fans aren’t welcome at this table so I believe you best apologize for that statement or spend the rest of your days starving.”

I quickly retracted my words. I had not been serious. My football allegiance was with the Washington Redskins just the same as my father’s. I had only been trying to get a rise out of the old man, but that plan backfired greatly. What I might not have grasped entirely that day but came to understand over the years was that the worst thing a Redskins fan could hear about their only son was that he turned out to be a Cowboys fan. What I did learn that day was that Dallas was the enemy and even joking about rooting for them was unacceptable.

The Washington Redskins and Dallas Cowboys have been playing each other in football since 1960 and over the past 52 years a strong hatred between the two teams has been forged. Dallas is known as America’s team, but to Redskins fans everywhere they represent pure evil. This evil starts with owner Jerry Jones who if I came across on the street and he was on fire I would piss on him to put him out and then relight him on fire just to have experienced the honor of pissing on him.

Both franchises have had their ups and downs. Between 1980, the year I was born, and 1992 the Redskins won three Super bowls in four tries. Between 1992 and 1996 the criminal Cowboys led by captain cocaine Michael Irvin, that dumb blond quarterback Troy Aikman and the invincible Emmitt Smith won three out of four Super Bowls.

Since then the Redskins have been a joke on almost a yearly basis while the Cowboys haven’t been much better. Despite this lack of recent success the rivalry has only gotten more and more bitter. When teams are winning championships losing to a rival is acceptable. When you can barely make the playoffs playing your rival is the biggest game of the year every time you play.

As a Redskins fan we live for Dallas week. We want Dallas every week because every time we beat them feels like the first time. Hatred can do things to a man and in the case of Redskins nation it has made us crave every chance we can get at crushing the Cowboys competitive spirit. While the pain of losing to Dallas can be crippling it can never compare to the joy of beating them.

That’s why Redskin fans everywhere are thanking Santa this year. Not only is the week of Christmas this year Dallas week, this particular game means even more. The winner this Sunday night in Landover , MD wins the NFC East title and a berth in the playoffs, the loser goes home left to stew over being eliminated by their most bitter of rivals all off season long.

The Cowboys come in winners of five of their last seven led by doctor domestic abuse Dez Bryant and that even dumber brunette quarterback Tony Romo. The Redskins come in winners of their last six led by the best player in the league Robert Griffin III and the best linebacker not named Ray Lewis to play in the NFL over the past sixteen years, London Fletcher.

Someone insisted to me the other day that the Redskins would be better off if their season depended on them beating some last place team we could roll over without a worry at all. They went on and on how playing a divisional foe with so much on the line was not really the most ideal scenario for my burgundy and gold brethren to face. I listened patiently and waited for them to finish. When they did all I said were three words: “WE WANT DALLAS” because not making the playoffs is worth it just to have a chance at not only beating Dallas but to be the ones to end their season.

This latest installation of Redskins versus Cowboys promises to be one of the most memorable of all time. The forecast calls for snow and FedEx Field Field promises to be so loud Jerry Jones might actually be able to hear fans chants without his diamond encrusted hearing aid.

The powers that be have flexed this game into the prime time slot. By kickoff time every franchise other than Washington and Dallas will have played their last regular season game. If you are a fan of one of these other teams that have either locked up a playoff spot or are solidifying top ten draft picks I encourage you not to just watch this Redskins Cowboys game, but to embrace a fifty-two year old hatred that only grows stronger with time. There is always room on the Redskins Fan Wagon but be warned it’s Dallas week which means you always keep your head on a swivel and you need to always be prepared to join Redskins fans everywhere as they chant loudly and proudly, “WE WANT DALLAS.”

HAIL TO THE REDSKINS! BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

Advertisements

Thanks Given

November 24, 2012

Ever since I was a young boy Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Hanging out with the people you love the most plus turkey plus football equals the greatest day of the year. Now as a grownup I appreciate it even more as I realize that there are many people and places and things that I am very thankful for. When I was younger I used to think it was stupid when my mother would make everyone at the table take a moment to talk about what they were thankful for, but nowadays I think that is an important part of my favorite holiday so I figured why not share mine with you, the general drunken public.

First and foremost I am thankful for my family, friends and beautiful fiancé. Without these loved ones I would not be the man that I am today. I am thankful to work at Churchill’s Pub and Grille the greatest craft food/beer pub with the best staff in the entire world. While our competitors choose to serve suspect mac and cheese or promote club night with DJ Glowstick or offer drink specials where when you buy a pint you get a $2 shot of 151 and a free match we at Churchill’s do what we have always done, offer great service and freshly prepared food served alongside delicious beer.

I am thankful to Stone Brewery who honored me with the right of being the first person to break the news of their special San Diego Beer Week beer release. Sales on Stone Lite, Stone Hef and Stone Original have been through the roof but the top seller has been Stone Bro of which they have sold so much they are running out of donkey piss to fill the bottles with.

I am thankful to Human Female Hyenas who prowl the night with a hint of flavored vodka and semen on their breath. Without these pack hunting skanks men in bars all across the country would be lost at last call left only with the option of going home alone and whacking off to internet porn. A word of advice to all you lonesome losers getting laid by women older than your mother wrap that shit up B.

I am thankful for hipsters. Without them homeless people would have no one dressed the same as them. I love to watch a group of hipsters sip on poor man’s PBR while wearing two hundred dollar cardigans as they bitch over the infection their cock ring gave them.

I am thankful to reality television for keeping backwoods rednecks, teenage whores and rich white housewives current in our modern society. Without it how else would any of those people make a living that didn’t involve ditch digging, dick sucking or spending other people’s money.

I am thankful to Tim Tebow for being the most talked about backup quarterback/punt protector in the history of football. Without him ESPN would go out of business. I am also very thankful for Robert Griffin III for being the best player in the league, being highly attractive but mainly because he is not Tim Tebow.

I am thankful to bad parents especially when they display their bad parenting in public. While their misbehaving kids are obnoxious and the parents disinterested they act as one of the strongest forms of birth control on the market, and it’s free. I believe high school kids should be trapped in a room with bad parents as a way to deter teen pregnancy which is rampant in this country. Bad parents also make those women who are in long term relationships and can’t wait to have a kid think twice about poking holes in their boyfriend’s condoms.

I am thankful to bad tippers, bros, whistlers and people who believe they know everything about the bar business because they bartended their frat’s homo erotic initiation all male mixer one night. While at times these schmucks make my life a living hell they also put my job into perspective. For every coked up whore who accuses me of not pouring any vodka in her eighteenth vodka red bull there is a regular who is friendly, polite, funny and tips well. Without the customers who make me tell them to go fuck themselves I might fail to appreciate the importance of all the regulars who make this world wonderful.

Lastly I would like to thank the twenty-two year old skank from last night who told me I was going to die of a heart attack because I wouldn’t serve her or her boyfriend who was dressed like Brandon Lee from The Crow. I guess I’m not thankful to her personally but more to the fact that a whore of her caliber will someday die a painful death from one of the many STD’s she has contracted from her years of trolling street corners and that fact brings a thankful smile to my face.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

R.I.P. #55

May 3, 2012

Tragedy struck the city of San Diego yesterday morning when NFL legend and future hall of famer Junior Seau apparently took his own life. According to police Seau shot himself in the chest at his Oceanside residence. When talking about Junior Seau it is important to do so not only as a football player, but as a man. His contribution to the San Diego community has been more important and influential than any one of the 545 tackles Seau recorded over a twenty year NFL career.

The Junior Seau Foundation through its diverse programs has contributed four million dollars to helping young people with desire but without means to achieve their dreams since its inception in 1992. His foundation does this by handing out scholarships, funding athletic fields and giving under privileged children funds to buy presents for their loved ones around the holidays. His stamp on the city of Oceanside and the entire San Diego area will never be forgotten.

Neither will his prowess on the field. As a kid growing up on the East Coast the only players we heard about who played on the West Coast were the ones who played for consistently good teams and normally the most coverage was reserved for quarterbacks or other offensive stars. During his 13 year career with the San Diego Chargers the team had an overall record of 88-120. They made the Super Bowl in the 1994-1995 season but only reached the playoffs three times when Seau was a member of the team.

Despite playing for a team that was mediocre at best everyone knew who Seau was. Even on the East Coast we knew Seau was the best player at his position and remained so for the majority of his 20 year career. He should also be considered the greatest defensive player to ever wear a San Diego Charger jersey and will surely be a first ballot hall of famer. Seau went on to play with the Miami Dolphins for three years before retiring in August of 2006. Four days later he was coaxed out of retirement by the New England Patriots. In 2007 Seau was part of the 18-1 team that fell just short of perfection and providing Seau with the only thing missing from his illustrious career, a Super Bowl ring.

His distinguished career doesn’t need a ring to justify its greatness, although I am sure he would have loved to win one. Seau retired after playing one more year. In the years that followed his retirement Seau remained in the public spotlight through his charity work and as a restaurateur. Seau always seemed to be wearing a smile wherever he went, but perhaps there were some dark parts of his life that even a man as strong and determined as Seau couldn’t overcome.

What’s disturbing is the manner in which he went. Suicide is always tragic but to shoot oneself in the chest seems rare and raises questions about the motives behind the act. On February 17, 2011 Dave Duerson a former defensive back for the Chicago Bears also took his own life by shooting himself in the chest. Before doing so Duerson texted family members and requested his brain be researched by the Boston University School of Medicine. These doctors found that Duerson was suffering from a neurodegenerative disease that’s caused by repeated concussions.

Football is a violent game that involves high-speed collisions between very strong men. The NFL has built an empire on the sport and used its violence as a major marketing tool to increase their audience. However, it is becoming more and more evident that this violence has serious long-term negative effects on the player’s who sacrifice their bodies on a weekly basis to make the NFL one of the most powerful corporations in the world. Maybe Seau was starting to suffer serious side effects from all those years of leaving every part of himself on the football field for 20 plus years of his life.

Why Seau might have taken his own life is a topic that will be studied and discussed and analyzed for years to come, but that is not what today is for. Today and at least for the near future it is time to honor Junior Seau for the great man that he was. Even as an outsider it is obvious that when Junior Seau passed all of San Diego shed a tear for the loss of a beloved native son who will truly be missed.

Te-Bowned

December 21, 2011

ESPN has recently announced that they will be starting a new channel called ESPN-BOW. It will be a channel that is totally dedicated to Tim Tebow. Viewers will get to follow him into the locker room for behind the scenes footage. They will get to watch him practice intently. Trips to the grocery store with Tim will be miked up. When Tim attends church a transcript of his personal prayers will run across the screen in a feature called the Godly Line. If Tim Tebow shits, which Sportscenter is still investigating if he actually does something that vile, ESPN-BOW viewers will be sitting on the toilet right next to Timmy! That’s right for all the Tebow fans who believe the 23 hours regular ESPN spends on Tim Tebow isn’t enough now you get twenty-four hours of Tebow time!

Seriously, is anyone else sick of Tebow-mania? The bottom line is Tebow isn’t that good, nor is he as bad as some people might have led you to believe in the past. The truth is he is a second-year quarterback who plays more like a fullback. Tebow’s 6-2 record as a starter can mostly be attributed to a strong defense that does not give up a lot of points and a ferocious running game that leads the league in rushing, averaging 156 yards a game. Tebow, is of course a big part of that rushing game. He is ranked 32nd in the league in rushing. He averages 5.5 yards a carry and 47 yards a game. Unfortunately Tebow only averages 117 yards passing per game. That’s the lowest average of any starter in the league. Part of Tebow’s lack of aerial numbers can be attributed to the Broncos change of offensive scheme once Tebow took over. John Fox and offensive coordinator Mike McCoy have done an amazing job playing towards Tebow’s strength which is running the ball. The Broncos after getting off to a 1-4 start are now in the driver’s seat in the AFC West. Tim Tebow is absolutely a big part of that. He is a leader who seems to win everywhere he goes and that’s contagious. He has infected the locker room as well as the entire fan base with a sense that they will win no matter who they play. When the game needs to be won in the fourth quarter he always seems to step up and his teammates believe in him supremely.  Eventually though, Tebow will have to develop as a more complete player. This past weekend against the Patriots it was obvious that when faced with high-class offensive opposition the Broncos conservative offensive approach couldn’t compete for four quarters. Tebow went 11 of 22 for 194 yards and led Denver with 93 yards on 12 carries scoring two touchdowns with his feet. That’s a great stat line and Denver’s 23 points would have been enough to beat most of the mediocre teams in the NFL. However, the NFL has changed. It is now a score first play defense later league where big-time quarterbacks seem to complete passes at will. The former golden boy before Tebow arrived, Tom Brady, went 23 of 34 for 320 yards and 2 scores. That is the new NFL and if Tebow wants to be a part of it someone is going to have to teach him to throw. Despite what ESPN would have you believe being white and loving God aren’t enough to make someone a successful NFL quarterback.

Don’t worry Tebow freaks because ESPN owns the world and your Tebow-fix is about to be even more satiated with the new ESPN-BOW. Now you can have Tim Tebow at your fingertips for 24 hours a day 7 days a week and 365 days a year. Hallelujah and all hail ESPN’s saintly son the mighty Tim Tebow.

Greed Monster

December 4, 2011

Urban Meyer just signed a six year contract worth 24 million dollars to teach college students how to play football. Perhaps that might be an oversimplification of his job title but at the end of the day isn’t that what he is doing? In addition to receiving such a healthy income, if he wins Meyer will become the most powerful person on the Ohio State campus. That’s how it works. If your University is a major player in either college football or basketball that’s what you do when you find a winning coach. Why? Winning brings money and at the end of the day that’s all these schools care about. Money makes the NCAA go around. They will claim that they do things to protect the reputation of the school, but truly they don’t care. Money is more tangible, it’s more immediate. You can’t cash tradition or reputation in at the bank so those words no longer have any place in the world of major college athletics. To see the truth one must look no further then Penn State. There was no football coach who fit the profile of a powerful, almost god-like sports figure more than Joe Paterno. He was Penn State, the face of the university. In 2002 when Mike McQueary informed him that he witnessed long-time defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky abusing a young boy in the shower all Joe Paterno did was call his boss. Here’s the problem, Joe was the boss. There was no one more powerful on the campus of Penn State than Joe. When times were good I’m sure he used his power for whatever means he deemed necessary. However, in the face of a horrific crisis he relinquished his power and wanted to just be a football coach. It doesn’t work like that Joe. True leaders lead in good times and bad. To try to pass the buck off on your so-called bosses is a sick joke. Of course they covered it up. To admit that a pillar of Joe’s Penn State community was a monster would put a serious stop to the amount of money the Penn State football program would produce. God forbid those millions of dollars be lost over the well-being of a few young boys. Not only is anyone involved in this sick mess greedy and immoral, they are stupid. If they had done the right thing the money would have returned, eventually. The reputation of Penn State would have taken a hit but would have returned, eventually. Joe, well he would have been a bigger hero than ever. He would have been the savior of many innocent young boys and an advocate to stomp out sexual abuse. Instead he enabled that monster to continue doing evil. That seems to be the motto in major college sports these days. Money over evil.  As long as you win you can sin as freely as your heart desires.

Re-adressing Rex

October 9, 2011

I was hoping to order a piece of humble pie today. What I wanted more than anything was to stand up and yell “I was wrong!” as loud as I possibly could. Nothing would have made me happier in week 5 of the NFL season then to admit that I wouldn’t know a successful NFL Quarterback if one hit me in the face with a spiral. Rex Grossman ruined all that by being, well, Rex Grossman . To say I am underwhelmed by Rex’s performance is an understatement, but for all truthful purposes my dismay with Rex so far this year should have an asterisk beside it. I don’t like to admit that fact, but at 3-1 any Redskin fan who isn’t two clouds below nine should seek serious mental therapy immediately. This is a team picked by most to be one of the worst in the league and here they are sitting atop the NFC East with a game in hand over the hated New York Giants. I will be the first to admit the East is weak, but first place is still first place. The question is are the Redskins winning with Rex or despite him? Any Redskin fan worth his weight in Burgundy and Gold will tell you it is the latter. Rex started strong but is slowly turning into the careless, inadequate, slow-footed and dim-witted turnover machine we have all grown to hate. This is not to say that I am a John Beck guy. I could be with enough whiskey in me, but my sober and realistic allegiance falls with Tim Hightower, Ryan Torain, Roy Helu and the entire Redskins defense. Those are the guys that have made the Redskins 3-1 and they are the ones who will keep Washington competitive throughout the rest of the NFL season. This division is weak. The so-called dream team in Philadelphia are two losses away from being no more than ESPN’s off-season hype champions. Tony Romo’s repeated meltdowns are indeed “hilarious” as stated by My Favorite Redskin Chris Cooley, and if they continue the Cowboys will be no more than comic relief for the rest of the season. The New York  Giants look strong up the middle both on offense and defense, but is anyone really afraid of Eli Manning? This may sound crazy but the Redskins winning the NFC East is not out of the realm of possibility. So do me a favor Shanahan’s, make Joe Gibbs and my father happy, run the ball. As long as we do that and our defense continues to dominate the line of scrimmage we will be in this race until the very end. To Rex all I can say is channel your inner Trent Dilfer and stay out of the rest of teams way.

Not impressed with Rex

September 6, 2011

No one has ever mistaken Rex Grossman for a Pro Bowl quarterback. In fact few believe he is even talented enough to be a starting quarterback. Not since his days at the University of Florida has Rex been considered great at his craft. He is a career backup most known for fumbling a way a Super Bowl as a Chicago Bear. The Washington Redskins and Mike Shanahan seem to be the exception to this rule. Mike and his son Kyle are putting faith in the dream that the first eight years of Rex’s career were an aberration. They hope that Rex has what it takes to lead a team to a championship. I, as a life long Redskins fan do not share this faith. In fact I believe this decision is delusional. If it looks like a backup quarterback and throws like a backup quarterback, then guess what, it’s a backup quarterback. I am not saying that John Beck was John Elway this preseason but you have to give the kid a chance. The stats between the two of them were almost identical so neither guy truly won the job. We already know what Rex can do so why not see if John Beck has the potential to be what we already know Rex isn’t, a franchise quarterback. That position hasn’t been filled in DC since a coke frenzied Lawrence Taylor snapped Joe Theismann’s leg  twenty-six years ago. A franchise without a quarterback  is a joke and that’s what my beloved Redskins have become. Since buying the team 1999 all Daniel Snyder has done is meddle in football operations of his team. For twelve years Redskins fans have cursed him for this. Now, as we are less than a week away from playing a divisional rival with the eyes of the country on us where is his meddling? Is he happy with Rex Grossman as his starting quarterback? I can’t imagine he is. I wonder how he feels when he has to tell people that Rex Grossman is his starting quarterback. I know how I feel, embarrassed.


%d bloggers like this: