Posts Tagged ‘free thought’

GULPU VS. The Government

June 30, 2012

To all the fans out there who are anxiously awaiting the launch of GULPU.com as president of the site’s parent company, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, I would like to personally apologize for the website’s delayed release. As with most things that are delayed GULPU’s is directly related to government interference. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to such interference as we are a company that promotes free speech, sex and thought which are rights that all conflict with what the government believes we the general public should have.

It all started with a four letter website that I am legally not allowed to name due to the fact that my attorney and I are still knee deep in an intense legal battle that could make or break the future of GULPU. This website that shall remain nameless is privately owned by none other than the government. That became clear when I received a letter with a return address of the White House claiming that the premise of GULPU.com was an infringement on this other four letter website’s business plan. It closed with a threat that if we did not halt the development of GULPU.com that the government would personally see to it to put GuerillaDeSwine Productions out of business.

I get a lot of letters from the government telling me I am not allowed to do all sorts of things whether it’s my lucrative great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) or my beloved hobby of hunting endangered animals. However, if I stopped doing all the things I do that aren’t government-approved I would have nothing left to do but watch reality T.V. and read TimTebow biographies. As with all the letters I receive from the government I recycled this last one into toilet paper. Little did I know their investment in this four-letter website was more important to them than I first perceived.

Two weeks after I wiped my ass with the letter on the eve of GULPU.com being finished our web designer went missing along with all his GULPU files. We knew instantly this was an inside job as we had locked our designer in an underground bunker in a desert in New Mexico to ensure that he would be undisturbed. After personally torturing the entire staff of GuerillaDeSwine Productions by forcing them to watch a show featuring a 16 year old pregnant gypsy contemplating which wedding dress best matched her pack of camel lights I easily found our snitch.

Fortunately they were keeping our designer in a bunker right next door to the bunker we had been keeping him in. God bless the government. I assembled a team of door guys and we swiftly moved in and easily dispatched of a small team of unarmed government secret agents. We found our designer caged and unfed but more importantly the GULPU files were gone. We were going to have to start from scratch.

When we returned to headquarters we found the lawsuit letter which had no mention of the government. Apparently the four letter website was suing us and didn’t want the general public to know their main financial backer was the government. That is where we stand now. Never fear for I have an extremely expensive lawyer and he and I believe that there are many differences between GULPU.com and the one that shall not be named. The most fundamental of which is that the people who will be writing reviews on GULPU.com are professionals in the field of which they will be reviewing. The same cannot be said for the four-letter site that gives any slack-jawed yokel with a lap top and too many Long Islands in their system an open forum to hate on hard working people. My lawyer and I also believe that without secret involvement from the government this case would have been thrown out immediately by any judge worth their gavel.

We shall overcome this government-inspired oppression but we cannot do so without the support of you, the general public. That is why we have launched a GULPU.com coming soon page. There you will be able to sign up with your email as a show of support for our right to freely talk shit about douchebags who lack respect and common sense. In other words sign up now and let the government know that embarrassing the ignorant is your birth given right. The address for the GULPU.com coming soon site is, ready? http://www.gulpu.com

In addition to supporting a noble cause for basic human freedom by signing up with your email at GULPU.com you will also instantly be put on our email list and will receive updates on the case, our eventual victory and all the latest GULPU.com launch news. Be the first to know when GULPU.com is up and running so you can be the first reviewer. If you are one of the lucky first twenty you will not only get a limited edition GULPU.com release tee-shirt, you will also receive an invite to the launch pool party featuring food cooked by a world renowned chef who once starred in a high profile HBO show.

The GULPU.com coming soon site launched yesterday and there is a link above and also one under blogroll on the right hand side of this page so all you GULPU enthusiasts be sure to visit the site and sign up with your email. As for the actual GULPU site it will be ready soon. I feel the government weakening and that the power of freedom will soon prevail. So get your curse words and witty tales of human douchebaggery ready because your chance at review evolution is right around the corner.

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Reality, really?

June 2, 2012

I recently saw a commercial for a new television show that features Howard Stern, Howie Mandel and Ozzie Osbourne’s wife judging whether people have talent. I will wait as you chuckle at the irony of this. Believe me, I did. After doing so my first thought was I would rather be locked in a room with Jeffrey Dahmer, Sarah Palin and a tiger shark then be forced to watch such a show. The second thought was that reality television has taken over TV and threatens to take over the world leaving us all brainless.

When I watch TV I do so to escape from reality not to observe it. I want to see well written and acted shows that make me laugh, keep me in suspense or make me want to be David Duchovny. However, it seems like people who share my taste for traditional drama instead of “baby daddy” drama are in the minority.

The general television viewing audience has become obsessed with watching other people’s lives unfold before their eyes. What makes no sense to me is, if people are so interested in real life why are they observing it through a television screen? No matter how big or how high a definition a television you have the picture is never going to be better than what you get in real life. No matter what reality television show your brain claims you like real life has a better alternative to offer.

American Idol is a perfect example. Every time I see a commercial for it I wonder how it is possibly still on the air. Why would anyone choose to watch this show? You have a pimple-covered teenager belting out an off-key rendition of Journey while Stephen Tyler’s corpse humps a table. That doesn’t sound appealing. I would much rather go out and see a talented, local band like the Paragraphs rather than subject myself to FOX’s take on live music.

The sad phenomenon of reality television got its start on MTV when in 1992 they released The Real World. The popularity of that show proved that people were interested in spying on other people’s lives. The Real World flourished and before you knew it reality television had taken over MTV. What had once been a network where you could find quality music videos made by creative people turned into a joke that only played mindless reality shows designed to make the viewer dumber.

Unfortunately all these shows are different variations of the same concept. Just throw a bunch of people who are pre-destined not to get along, shove them in a house or on a island or a fishing boat and watch the sparks fly as people stop being polite and start talking shit for real. That’s formula one. Formula two is as follows: They put someone on stage who claims to be funny or play music or just simply because they are grossly overweight. Then they assemble a panel of former celebrities who haven’t been famous for five years and call them judges or coaches or dance partners. Lastly they allow you, the general television viewing audience, to text message which contestant is your favorite. The winner of the show gets to be a judge five years from now.

There is no creativity in these shows even if they are, as I believe, scripted just like a fictional program would be. I agree that writing anything takes creativity but when the end result is in the form of a reality television show that rule gets thrown out the window. How stimulated can one’s creative side truly be when they are watching rich housewives throw fake charity parties that always predictably end with a cat fight between two women who have so much plastic injected into them that they could both pass for action figures?

Real life changes constantly, that’s what makes it real. Reality television on the other hand is always the same which leads me to believe it isn’t really real, but is simply poorly crafted garbage written by ass clowns not talented enough to write a witty crime drama. I believe that the writers of reality television, if you choose to call them that, put the plot on paper and then allow the “real people” they are filming to act in response to the script they are handed.

I can’t help but laugh at people who truly believe that every minute of the reality television they watch is really happening on the fly with no sort of preparation for what is playing out on camera. I believe it is somewhat naïve to think that a television network would ever allow that sort of freedom to be seen. Freedom is the last thing television networks want us to have.

With freedom comes power and with too much of that people might start turning their televisions off. Networks can’t have that. To prevent such an outrage they dumb down their programming just enough to keep the average viewer stimulated, but not deeply enough to require thought. The more of this sort of programming you view the less important your brain becomes because you no longer need it to be entertained. Then one day every free thought that might have popped into your head has been replaced with season two of Jersey Shore and once you reach that point you are fucked .

I recommend taking your brain back before that happens to you. Remind yourself of what it feels like to think freely. If you want to relax and watch a little television choose something that will keep stimulating your brain like an old school episode of X-Files. Or turn off the television and read a book, like Love Life, my second novel which will be available soon on Amazon and Kindle. If that doesn’t interest you then simply walk outside and see what real life is really like.


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