Posts Tagged ‘general manager’

Review Evolution

May 17, 2016

There is a four letter website out there that stands for everything that is wrong with social media. This website allows any asshole with a cell phone to spew hate filled reviews attacking people in the service industry because they are upset that there is no Amber Ale on tap. They seem to have no control over what slanderous rhetoric its users post. Anyone who has ever waited or bussed a table, tended bar, been a floor or general manager or worked the door as a security guard will tell you that 90% of what you read on this website is bullshit usually made up by a user under the influence of alcohol. I understand that speech is free in this country but personally attacking an employee of an establishment you patronize, while drunk and recently ejected, does not equate to freedom of speech in my mind.

I have so many negative reviews about me that it is impossible to count. I have been called both racist and sexist on this site. I have been accused of being a pathetic little man drunk with the power of running a restaurant on this site. I have been referred to as a shameless prick who inexcusably backs his staff on this site. One time some schmuck actually posted a picture of a dog taking a shit and had the nerve to compare me to the pile of dung on this site.

Mind you these nasty things have been written about me because I was just trying to do my job. When was the last time something that happened at your job got blasted out on the internet with the express purpose of making you look like a jackass? Think hard. For me it’s much easier to recall because it happens every several months. If you want to pull me aside and say these awful things to my face that’s fine. It most likely won’t end well but one way or another it will end. Don’t be a coward and run to your laptop or tablet and blatantly make shit up that threatens my livelihood. Once it goes up on this site it is there for the public to read and now not just one person thinks I am all these awful things but the entire world is encouraged to make the same rash judgement.

So, you say to me, “It’s just a silly little website. Nobody cares that much about what is written there. Readers are smart enough to decipher the legitimate reviews versus the bullshit ones.”  First of all, the people who use this site are not that smart. Trust me I deal with them on a daily basis. If they were in a spelling bee versus a stack of bricks I’m taking the bricks, big time. Second of all people do care. I have seen people cry after reading a nasty review that was written about them. I’ve met people in this industry who have lost their job because they got too many bad reviews most of which were bullshit. If people didn’t care what was written on this shitbag site then certain restaurants wouldn’t discount customers who write five star reviews about them.

I have been in or around the restaurant business for 20 plus years and have been in the craft beer industry the last ten and what I have found is that people in this industry care about what they do, a lot. This is a career not some summer job motherfucker and every day I go to work I try to be better than I was the day before. When things don’t go well I lose sleep or drink to excess usually both. When my teammates have a bad day I feel it, because I care about them too. We work long hours on our feet trying extremely hard to provide our patrons with stellar product and service.

To do all that and then have some punk ass permanently stoned college hipster or some Quaalude popping soccer mom who have never waited a table in their life tell the internet that I suck at my job is something I am no longer able to just sit here and take. In fact, a very good friend of mine and I are going to open a restaurant for all these expert reviewers of a business they have never been employed in and it’s going to be called “Go Fuck Yourself” (patent pending). That way when they don’t like how things go down in our house they can reference the sign on the front door.

Service industry people unite. They want to write about us then let’s write about them. There is a website called GULPU.com™ coming to you soon. It’s our site to talk about how awful they are. For now, get stress off your chest with us at https://www.facebook.com/GULPU/

That way the next time some redneck with dip spit dribbling down his chin tries to fight you because you wouldn’t serve his pregnant girlfriend alcohol the real story will be heard too. Oh yeah, I almost forgot “Fuck Yelp”.

Advertisements

GULPU Quick Tips

February 11, 2012

The craze over GULPU.com has reached a fevered pitch. We are so overwhelmed with your submissions we still haven’t had the opportunity to launch the official website. We beg of you to remain patient. With the help of our parent company GuerillaDeSwine Productions we are currently interviewing web designers to get GULPU.com off the ground. We haven’t had any luck yet. The interview usually falls apart right around the swimsuit competition which is the ninth stage of the official GuerillaDeSwine Productions hiring process. Never fear we are confident that we will come across the right designer to bring GULPU.com to life. Anyone interested please send your resume plus head shots to HR@GuerillaDeSwineProductions.com with the headline of GULPU.com web monkey.

In the meantime we at GULPU.com have come to realize that since we understand what it means to be a shitty customer it is our moral duty to offer hints to help the general public as to how they can improve themselves as consumers. It is our goal to eliminate ignorant and rude behavior completely from the business world. In order to do this we compiled a team of experts the likes of which this world has never seen. We locked these experts in a room without windows and fed them raw meat and booze for seven hours a day for seven days. As a result they came up with three tips to help the general public be better at getting served.

It all starts with common sense. We all have it, allegedly, so use it. If you order a well done burger, don’t complain that it is overcooked. Check that; don’t order a well done burger. If there isn’t any food left on your plate you probably won’t be receiving a refund, so don’t bother asking. Long Island Iced Teas are strong so if you order one and then complain that it is too strong that complaint will most likely fall upon deaf ears. When at a bar have both your ID and money out. Competent bartenders take pride in getting you your drink as fast as possible and would appreciate the same common courtesy. Nothing frustrates a bartender more than watching some fucktard dig through their wallet for five minutes searching for payment for a product that’s already delivered. That sort of stupidity is a good way to get ignored for the duration of your evening.

Next up is politeness. Unfortunately due to the high number of parents who are intellectually ill-equipped to raise a child the notion of being polite has been lost on several generations of customers. Being polite is simple and is always more pleasurable then being rude. What that means is don’t whistle or snap your fingers, don’t bang on the bar, don’t roll your empty bottle around and don’t wave money in people’s faces. Don’t yell, and more importantly certainly don’t yell baby, bro, barkeep, wench or garcon. Now, most of the people dumb enough to do stuff like that truly believe that not only are they funny but that they are endearing themselves to the person who is serving them. That is a lie and acting like a jackass will never get you anything but skipped.

Lastly, please don’t ask stupid questions. We can’t stress how important this particular quick tip is. When you ask a stupid question not only does someone have to take the time to listen to your asinine question, but they then have to offer an answer that will be a failed attempt at not embarrassing you. Our experts came up with several examples.

A man approaches the bar. He nods over to the jukebox.

“Does your jukebox play music?”

Another guy walks up to a bar with fifty taps.

“Do you guys sell pints of beer?”

A girl calls the restaurant on Christmas Day and upon someone answering the phone asks, “Are you guys open?”

This may sound like a logical way to find out if a place is open on a holiday, but I assure you that someone isn’t at work on a day the business is closed answering the phone just to tell people they aren’t open. If someone is there to answer the phone that means the place is open.

We know that some of you with actual working brains will say that these rules seem like they are easy enough to be left unspoken. Unfortunately for every one person who gets it there are ten bros lined up right behind you ready to make our lives miserable. We at GULPU.com urge people to share these rules with their friends so that we as a society can improve the lives of service industry people everywhere.

GULPU!!!

January 6, 2012

The government has informed me via a sealed letter that due to legal restrictions the website GULP is not available for public use. Apparently, although I can neither confirm nor deny whether what I am about to say is true, the term GULP is the name of some sort of secret government program which the government wishes to keep the general public from learning about. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to Government interference in our business and are pleased to announce that what was once GULP.COM is now GULPU.COM! The website is still under construction but the response to our initial announcement of GULPU has been overwhelming. Here is just one of the many GULPU reviews we have already received.

Emily B. San Marcos, CA

Two ex or current streetwalkers walked in the other night. One had on a puffy jacket with a fake fur-line collar while the other had shorts short enough to require two hairdos. When asked if they were eating dinner they exchanged annoyed glances and then replied “yes” with an over exaggerated gasp. After looking at a menu skank one asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I fought the urge to ask her if most restaurants she went to listed fake prices or if maybe she was used to bartering for food. When I answered yes she waved me off in disgust.

They were ready to order when I returned with their drinks. One ordered the Mushroom and Bleu burger, well done, which is a wonderful way to ruin a good piece of meat. The other ordered the mac and cheese she had wished to negotiate down in price earlier. In addition she wanted a grilled cheese. I guess walking the streets called for a constant intake of cheese, amongst other things, into her body. I placed the order and fifteen minutes later it was up. When I placed the food on the table the mac skank let me know that she thought the food had taken way too long. I began to explain that ruining a good burger by ordering it well done took extra time but she waved me off before I could finish.

The burger skank flagged me down after taking two bites from her burger. She said there was something funky tasting on it. I pointed out that the mushroom and bleu burger had bleu cheese on it and perhaps that was what gave off a slightly funky taste. She said that wasn’t it. She loved bleu cheese. I took her plate away and had the kitchen make a plain well done burger.

The mac skank flagged me down. She pointed at her mac. She asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I nodded yes. She waved me off. I returned with the well done burger. They both let me know this time that they thought the food had taken way too long. They proceeded to scarf the food down as if it was their first meal in days and that their figure-obsessed pimp may be lurking around a corner somewhere ready to smack them down for eating.

I cleared their plates and listened as the mac skank trash talked the food and restaurant to her friend as if I didn’t exist. Without even looking at me or stopping her conversation she signaled for the check. They left in a hurry so I immediately checked the check book. There was money in it but it was eleven cents short. I decided against going after them when I realized they clearly needed that eleven cents way more than I did. I would have rather paid for their food and once the kitchen was finished making it just throw it away rather than having those two in at all.

Please don’t come back, whoever you are.

Thanks Emily for being a part of GULPU! While we are updating our software for the GULPU.COM launch feel free to leave your reviews in the comment area of this blog.


%d bloggers like this: