Posts Tagged ‘GULPU.com release tee-shirt’

GULPU.com Wins!

September 1, 2012

The day has finally arrived. Review evolution is upon us ladies and gentlemen. GULPU.com went live to you, the general drunken public yesterday at 1pm. I would like to thank you all for the patience you have shown in the face of great anticipation for GULPU’s release. There have been some bumps along the road which I can only speak about vaguely as my lawyers have advised me to be less open about my legal affairs.

The latest and perhaps the most laughable was this past week when “someone” hacked into my twitter account. I think we all know who this someone was. It was a bush league attempt at sabotaging my social media outlets in a last ditch attempt to ensure that GULPU.com never went live. After kidnappings, full body cavity searches, unjust arrests and torture, this amateurish stunt did little more than make me change a bunch of passwords which I do every five days anyways.

I would like to thank my web designer, who after having many attempts on his life since being hired at GuerillaDeSwine Productions has requested to remain anonymous, for being a real trooper despite the loss of one or more limbs. It has been a team effort and the reward will be reading all the wonderful reviews that you, the general drunken public have surely been drafting since the first time you found out about the site that puts the power back into the hands of hard working people everywhere.

No longer will we sit idly by while people treat us like servants just because our industry is in pleasing paying customers. Unfortunately, as soon as you empower the consumer the right to dictate every aspect of business service becomes tricky. Now with the internet and a certain four letter site that shall not legally be named people have opened fire on the customer service industry and the hard working people who work within it. GULPU.com is our opportunity to fire back.

It’s simple. You sign up at http://www.gulpu.com/ with an anonymous username and your email and then have a chance to browse one of the many, highly entertaining reviews that people like you have already posted and even comment on the ones you really like. Or you can simply click the Start A New Review button and write your way into review evolution. The release you will feel will be like losing your virginity every time you submit a new review.

It is important to remember that we here at GULPU.com highly encourage that you remain ANONYMOUS. With all the heat we have already felt just for developing GULPU GuerillaDeSwine Productions will not be held responsible if something unsavory or illegal happens to you because you use your real name or say where you work.

We also encourage GULPU.com members to share both good and bad experiences that they have had when working in the customer service industry. There will be a rating system of shot glasses so you will be able to score each individual review. For example if while bartending a beautiful blonde sat at your bar all night drinking whiskey and then tips you with a fifty, a blowjob, and an invitation to a future threesome with her and her twin sister then you should probably award her five shot glasses.

However, if some giant twat who tried to bang his busted girlfriend in the ladies room wants to fight you because you tell him he has a nice purse bro then you would most likely rate this negative experience with just one shot glass. The reviews that have been posted by members so far are so entertaining that I was late to two different legal hearings because I couldn’t stop reading what members of the GULPU.com community had written so far.

GULPU.com isn’t just for restaurant or bar employees; it is for anyone who provides service that is paid for by a customer.  Whether you are in retail, work in a call center, are a sales rep or any customer related business GULPU.com is interested in sharing your experiences with others who go through similar encounters with people even if they work in a different industry. In fact my favorite GULPU review so far was written by a local stripper who complained that when giving a lap dance a customer insisted she call him Tim Tebow as she did. That’s what GULPU.com is all about, giving hard working people the right to talk about the honest work they do.

The first twenty reviewers will be GULPU.com VIP members who will receive limited edition shirts this Monday, September 3rd at the GULPU Website Release Party. The party is at 3725 Jefferson St. in Carlsbad, CA. and begins at 3pm. The VIP shirts, designed by Underground Artist of the Year Joe Anderson, will only be available this one time so hurry up and sign up so you can write a review. There will be regular GULPU.com shirts as well as books for sale at the party so bring your wallet and five friends who want to support local literature. Food and live music by DJ SAVEE and the Paragraphs is also on the agenda so don’t be late this Labor Day.

GULPU.com has been a long time in the works and everyone here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions is very proud to be part of such a noble endeavor. Keep those reviews coming and let your soul go free as you unburden your mind from years of working hard to please customers. It’s time to have your voice heard by people who are just like you. It’s time we told websites like the four letter one that legally shall not be named that we will not be treated like animals. It’s time for all of us to experience review evolution at http://www.gulpu.com/

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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GULPU VS. The Government II

August 11, 2012

The following is an open apology to you, the general drunken public. I was involved in an incident the other night which unfortunately resulted in the delay of the release of GULPU.com. For that I sincerely apologize. It all started last Wednesday when I was leaving one of my favorite watering holes. While walking through the parking lot I noticed some drunk fucktard wearing a Red Sox hat and a tank top swaying as he pissed on someone else’s car. I was shocked at first but natural instinct quickly took over and I did what any honest American would do when faced with such a situation. I charged the cocksucker.

Upon impact I was able to avoid any urine splashes as I drove this disrespectful scumbag to the ground. He screamed as he fell pissing all over himself on his way down. Before I had a chance to laugh my ass off I found myself surrounded by several very large men dressed in black suits all holding guns pointed at my face.

We stood like that for several minutes when suddenly two cop cars showed up. They began to put me in handcuffs before I could explain what was happening. They didn’t care. Apparently the little prick bastard was some government official’s spoiled son and the big ugly suits were his security detail. They told the cops that I assaulted the fucker and flashed their government ID’s signifying my trip to the big house.

At the station they took all my possessions. When they found my wallet they searched it and found my business card that reads: “Jonathan Avella, CEO, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, We put the ass in class!” Things turned serious when they found out who I was and I was quickly transported to a holding cell at the local CIA building.

They tortured and interrogated me for company secrets for hours and at times I was close to swallowing the suicide pill all GuerillaDeSwine Productions employees are required to carry between their lips. Thankfully I was able to fight off the urge to squeal while still maintaining my silence and sanity.

Just as I was ready to break and sacrifice my life for the good of the company the head of our legal department showed up with an army of lawyers. It wasn’t long before I was free and we were discussing possible out of court financial settlements for my bogus assault charges. When my lawyers made it clear that we planned on suing over my mistreatment those assault charges quickly were dropped.

Unfortunately the government’s lawlessness went unpunished yet again. Not only that, but they got what they wanted all along, which was time. With this time the government attempted to wipe out GULPU before it could be released. Using the address on the back of my business card the government was able to locate the secret headquarters of GuerillaDeSwine Productions. Once there they burnt everything. Every file, every condom and every candy bar or bag of chips in the secret vending machine.

Before you freak out know that what the government thought was GuerillaDeSwine Productions secret headquarters was nothing more than one of the many decoys we have scattered across the world. However, once a decoy is compromised all GuerillaDeSwine Productions projects are shut down for forty eight hours and our employees are escorted into underground bunkers for protection.

My incarceration coupled with GuerillaDeSwine Productions shut down of operations have delayed the release of GULPU.com. Instead of GULPU.com being live tomorrow, it will be fully functional this Tuesday, August the 14th.

What hasn’t been postponed is the GULPU.com release party which is coming up on Monday September, 3rd also known as Labor Day. I couldn’t think of a better way to help America celebrate the social and economic contributions of workers then by us getting stinking drunk and celebrating the workers right to freely critique the very customers who constantly criticize them.

We will be serving up craft BBQ created by Chef AG Warfield, who is prominently featured in the much anticipated soon to release cookbook, San Diego Craft Beer Cook Book. In addition to the food we will be pouring fresh beer from the world’s finest brewery, The Lost Abbey. There will be live music provided by world renowned ninja, DJ SAVEE as well as a special performance by Southern California’s best band the Paragraphs.

Be one of the first twenty people to write a GULPU review when the website launches this coming Tuesday, August 14th and win a GULPU.com VIP invitation to the release party. Winners will receive a commemorative GULPU.com tee-shirt available this one time only, first dibs in the BBQ line, and a special one on one acoustic session with a local heartthrob lead singer.

GULPU is all about the people’s right to write how working in the customer service industry makes them feel. If you like freedom of speech and expression then you have come to the right place. GULPU.com will be here Tuesday August, 14th. Let the review evolution begin!

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

GULPU VS. The Government

June 30, 2012

To all the fans out there who are anxiously awaiting the launch of GULPU.com as president of the site’s parent company, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, I would like to personally apologize for the website’s delayed release. As with most things that are delayed GULPU’s is directly related to government interference. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to such interference as we are a company that promotes free speech, sex and thought which are rights that all conflict with what the government believes we the general public should have.

It all started with a four letter website that I am legally not allowed to name due to the fact that my attorney and I are still knee deep in an intense legal battle that could make or break the future of GULPU. This website that shall remain nameless is privately owned by none other than the government. That became clear when I received a letter with a return address of the White House claiming that the premise of GULPU.com was an infringement on this other four letter website’s business plan. It closed with a threat that if we did not halt the development of GULPU.com that the government would personally see to it to put GuerillaDeSwine Productions out of business.

I get a lot of letters from the government telling me I am not allowed to do all sorts of things whether it’s my lucrative great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) or my beloved hobby of hunting endangered animals. However, if I stopped doing all the things I do that aren’t government-approved I would have nothing left to do but watch reality T.V. and read TimTebow biographies. As with all the letters I receive from the government I recycled this last one into toilet paper. Little did I know their investment in this four-letter website was more important to them than I first perceived.

Two weeks after I wiped my ass with the letter on the eve of GULPU.com being finished our web designer went missing along with all his GULPU files. We knew instantly this was an inside job as we had locked our designer in an underground bunker in a desert in New Mexico to ensure that he would be undisturbed. After personally torturing the entire staff of GuerillaDeSwine Productions by forcing them to watch a show featuring a 16 year old pregnant gypsy contemplating which wedding dress best matched her pack of camel lights I easily found our snitch.

Fortunately they were keeping our designer in a bunker right next door to the bunker we had been keeping him in. God bless the government. I assembled a team of door guys and we swiftly moved in and easily dispatched of a small team of unarmed government secret agents. We found our designer caged and unfed but more importantly the GULPU files were gone. We were going to have to start from scratch.

When we returned to headquarters we found the lawsuit letter which had no mention of the government. Apparently the four letter website was suing us and didn’t want the general public to know their main financial backer was the government. That is where we stand now. Never fear for I have an extremely expensive lawyer and he and I believe that there are many differences between GULPU.com and the one that shall not be named. The most fundamental of which is that the people who will be writing reviews on GULPU.com are professionals in the field of which they will be reviewing. The same cannot be said for the four-letter site that gives any slack-jawed yokel with a lap top and too many Long Islands in their system an open forum to hate on hard working people. My lawyer and I also believe that without secret involvement from the government this case would have been thrown out immediately by any judge worth their gavel.

We shall overcome this government-inspired oppression but we cannot do so without the support of you, the general public. That is why we have launched a GULPU.com coming soon page. There you will be able to sign up with your email as a show of support for our right to freely talk shit about douchebags who lack respect and common sense. In other words sign up now and let the government know that embarrassing the ignorant is your birth given right. The address for the GULPU.com coming soon site is, ready? http://www.gulpu.com

In addition to supporting a noble cause for basic human freedom by signing up with your email at GULPU.com you will also instantly be put on our email list and will receive updates on the case, our eventual victory and all the latest GULPU.com launch news. Be the first to know when GULPU.com is up and running so you can be the first reviewer. If you are one of the lucky first twenty you will not only get a limited edition GULPU.com release tee-shirt, you will also receive an invite to the launch pool party featuring food cooked by a world renowned chef who once starred in a high profile HBO show.

The GULPU.com coming soon site launched yesterday and there is a link above and also one under blogroll on the right hand side of this page so all you GULPU enthusiasts be sure to visit the site and sign up with your email. As for the actual GULPU site it will be ready soon. I feel the government weakening and that the power of freedom will soon prevail. So get your curse words and witty tales of human douchebaggery ready because your chance at review evolution is right around the corner.


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