The following is an open apology to you, the general drunken public. I was involved in an incident the other night which unfortunately resulted in the delay of the release of GULPU.com. For that I sincerely apologize. It all started last Wednesday when I was leaving one of my favorite watering holes. While walking through the parking lot I noticed some drunk fucktard wearing a Red Sox hat and a tank top swaying as he pissed on someone else’s car. I was shocked at first but natural instinct quickly took over and I did what any honest American would do when faced with such a situation. I charged the cocksucker.
Upon impact I was able to avoid any urine splashes as I drove this disrespectful scumbag to the ground. He screamed as he fell pissing all over himself on his way down. Before I had a chance to laugh my ass off I found myself surrounded by several very large men dressed in black suits all holding guns pointed at my face.
We stood like that for several minutes when suddenly two cop cars showed up. They began to put me in handcuffs before I could explain what was happening. They didn’t care. Apparently the little prick bastard was some government official’s spoiled son and the big ugly suits were his security detail. They told the cops that I assaulted the fucker and flashed their government ID’s signifying my trip to the big house.
At the station they took all my possessions. When they found my wallet they searched it and found my business card that reads: “Jonathan Avella, CEO, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, We put the ass in class!” Things turned serious when they found out who I was and I was quickly transported to a holding cell at the local CIA building.
They tortured and interrogated me for company secrets for hours and at times I was close to swallowing the suicide pill all GuerillaDeSwine Productions employees are required to carry between their lips. Thankfully I was able to fight off the urge to squeal while still maintaining my silence and sanity.
Just as I was ready to break and sacrifice my life for the good of the company the head of our legal department showed up with an army of lawyers. It wasn’t long before I was free and we were discussing possible out of court financial settlements for my bogus assault charges. When my lawyers made it clear that we planned on suing over my mistreatment those assault charges quickly were dropped.
Unfortunately the government’s lawlessness went unpunished yet again. Not only that, but they got what they wanted all along, which was time. With this time the government attempted to wipe out GULPU before it could be released. Using the address on the back of my business card the government was able to locate the secret headquarters of GuerillaDeSwine Productions. Once there they burnt everything. Every file, every condom and every candy bar or bag of chips in the secret vending machine.
Before you freak out know that what the government thought was GuerillaDeSwine Productions secret headquarters was nothing more than one of the many decoys we have scattered across the world. However, once a decoy is compromised all GuerillaDeSwine Productions projects are shut down for forty eight hours and our employees are escorted into underground bunkers for protection.
My incarceration coupled with GuerillaDeSwine Productions shut down of operations have delayed the release of GULPU.com. Instead of GULPU.com being live tomorrow, it will be fully functional this Tuesday, August the 14th.
What hasn’t been postponed is the GULPU.com release party which is coming up on Monday September, 3rd also known as Labor Day. I couldn’t think of a better way to help America celebrate the social and economic contributions of workers then by us getting stinking drunk and celebrating the workers right to freely critique the very customers who constantly criticize them.
We will be serving up craft BBQ created by Chef AG Warfield, who is prominently featured in the much anticipated soon to release cookbook, San Diego Craft Beer Cook Book. In addition to the food we will be pouring fresh beer from the world’s finest brewery, The Lost Abbey. There will be live music provided by world renowned ninja, DJ SAVEE as well as a special performance by Southern California’s best band the Paragraphs.
Be one of the first twenty people to write a GULPU review when the website launches this coming Tuesday, August 14th and win a GULPU.com VIP invitation to the release party. Winners will receive a commemorative GULPU.com tee-shirt available this one time only, first dibs in the BBQ line, and a special one on one acoustic session with a local heartthrob lead singer.
GULPU is all about the people’s right to write how working in the customer service industry makes them feel. If you like freedom of speech and expression then you have come to the right place. GULPU.com will be here Tuesday August, 14th. Let the review evolution begin!
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