Posts Tagged ‘GULPU’
May 17, 2016
There is a four letter website out there that stands for everything that is wrong with social media. This website allows any asshole with a cell phone to spew hate filled reviews attacking people in the service industry because they are upset that there is no Amber Ale on tap. They seem to have no control over what slanderous rhetoric its users post. Anyone who has ever waited or bussed a table, tended bar, been a floor or general manager or worked the door as a security guard will tell you that 90% of what you read on this website is bullshit usually made up by a user under the influence of alcohol. I understand that speech is free in this country but personally attacking an employee of an establishment you patronize, while drunk and recently ejected, does not equate to freedom of speech in my mind.
I have so many negative reviews about me that it is impossible to count. I have been called both racist and sexist on this site. I have been accused of being a pathetic little man drunk with the power of running a restaurant on this site. I have been referred to as a shameless prick who inexcusably backs his staff on this site. One time some schmuck actually posted a picture of a dog taking a shit and had the nerve to compare me to the pile of dung on this site.
Mind you these nasty things have been written about me because I was just trying to do my job. When was the last time something that happened at your job got blasted out on the internet with the express purpose of making you look like a jackass? Think hard. For me it’s much easier to recall because it happens every several months. If you want to pull me aside and say these awful things to my face that’s fine. It most likely won’t end well but one way or another it will end. Don’t be a coward and run to your laptop or tablet and blatantly make shit up that threatens my livelihood. Once it goes up on this site it is there for the public to read and now not just one person thinks I am all these awful things but the entire world is encouraged to make the same rash judgement.
So, you say to me, “It’s just a silly little website. Nobody cares that much about what is written there. Readers are smart enough to decipher the legitimate reviews versus the bullshit ones.” First of all, the people who use this site are not that smart. Trust me I deal with them on a daily basis. If they were in a spelling bee versus a stack of bricks I’m taking the bricks, big time. Second of all people do care. I have seen people cry after reading a nasty review that was written about them. I’ve met people in this industry who have lost their job because they got too many bad reviews most of which were bullshit. If people didn’t care what was written on this shitbag site then certain restaurants wouldn’t discount customers who write five star reviews about them.
I have been in or around the restaurant business for 20 plus years and have been in the craft beer industry the last ten and what I have found is that people in this industry care about what they do, a lot. This is a career not some summer job motherfucker and every day I go to work I try to be better than I was the day before. When things don’t go well I lose sleep or drink to excess usually both. When my teammates have a bad day I feel it, because I care about them too. We work long hours on our feet trying extremely hard to provide our patrons with stellar product and service.
To do all that and then have some punk ass permanently stoned college hipster or some Quaalude popping soccer mom who have never waited a table in their life tell the internet that I suck at my job is something I am no longer able to just sit here and take. In fact, a very good friend of mine and I are going to open a restaurant for all these expert reviewers of a business they have never been employed in and it’s going to be called “Go Fuck Yourself” (patent pending). That way when they don’t like how things go down in our house they can reference the sign on the front door.
Service industry people unite. They want to write about us then let’s write about them. There is a website called GULPU.com™ coming to you soon. It’s our site to talk about how awful they are. For now, get stress off your chest with us at https://www.facebook.com/GULPU/
That way the next time some redneck with dip spit dribbling down his chin tries to fight you because you wouldn’t serve his pregnant girlfriend alcohol the real story will be heard too. Oh yeah, I almost forgot “Fuck Yelp”.
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Tags:alcohol, Bar, bar back, bar employees, bar regulars, bar staff, barback, bars, bartender, beer bar, cell phone, college hipster, coward, craft beer, craft beer bar, customer, customer service, dip spit, door guy, door guys, draft beer, expert reviewers, facebook, floor manager, Fuck Yelp, general manager, Go Fuck Yourself, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, GULPU, GULPU review, GULPU Website Release Pool Party, GULPU.com, jackass, jackasses, laptop, patent pending, patron, pregnant girlfriend, pub, quaalude, redneck, regular, regulars, restaurant, restaurant industry, restaurant manager, restaurant staff, review evolution, San Diego, security, server, service industry, shitbag, shitbag site, soccer mom, spelling bee, stack of bricks, tablet, teammates, yelp, yelp.com
Posted in Bar Etiquette, GULPU, Miscellaneous Rants, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
September 1, 2012
The day has finally arrived. Review evolution is upon us ladies and gentlemen. GULPU.com went live to you, the general drunken public yesterday at 1pm. I would like to thank you all for the patience you have shown in the face of great anticipation for GULPU’s release. There have been some bumps along the road which I can only speak about vaguely as my lawyers have advised me to be less open about my legal affairs.
The latest and perhaps the most laughable was this past week when “someone” hacked into my twitter account. I think we all know who this someone was. It was a bush league attempt at sabotaging my social media outlets in a last ditch attempt to ensure that GULPU.com never went live. After kidnappings, full body cavity searches, unjust arrests and torture, this amateurish stunt did little more than make me change a bunch of passwords which I do every five days anyways.
I would like to thank my web designer, who after having many attempts on his life since being hired at GuerillaDeSwine Productions has requested to remain anonymous, for being a real trooper despite the loss of one or more limbs. It has been a team effort and the reward will be reading all the wonderful reviews that you, the general drunken public have surely been drafting since the first time you found out about the site that puts the power back into the hands of hard working people everywhere.
No longer will we sit idly by while people treat us like servants just because our industry is in pleasing paying customers. Unfortunately, as soon as you empower the consumer the right to dictate every aspect of business service becomes tricky. Now with the internet and a certain four letter site that shall not legally be named people have opened fire on the customer service industry and the hard working people who work within it. GULPU.com is our opportunity to fire back.
It’s simple. You sign up at http://www.gulpu.com/ with an anonymous username and your email and then have a chance to browse one of the many, highly entertaining reviews that people like you have already posted and even comment on the ones you really like. Or you can simply click the Start A New Review button and write your way into review evolution. The release you will feel will be like losing your virginity every time you submit a new review.
It is important to remember that we here at GULPU.com highly encourage that you remain ANONYMOUS. With all the heat we have already felt just for developing GULPU GuerillaDeSwine Productions will not be held responsible if something unsavory or illegal happens to you because you use your real name or say where you work.
We also encourage GULPU.com members to share both good and bad experiences that they have had when working in the customer service industry. There will be a rating system of shot glasses so you will be able to score each individual review. For example if while bartending a beautiful blonde sat at your bar all night drinking whiskey and then tips you with a fifty, a blowjob, and an invitation to a future threesome with her and her twin sister then you should probably award her five shot glasses.
However, if some giant twat who tried to bang his busted girlfriend in the ladies room wants to fight you because you tell him he has a nice purse bro then you would most likely rate this negative experience with just one shot glass. The reviews that have been posted by members so far are so entertaining that I was late to two different legal hearings because I couldn’t stop reading what members of the GULPU.com community had written so far.
GULPU.com isn’t just for restaurant or bar employees; it is for anyone who provides service that is paid for by a customer. Whether you are in retail, work in a call center, are a sales rep or any customer related business GULPU.com is interested in sharing your experiences with others who go through similar encounters with people even if they work in a different industry. In fact my favorite GULPU review so far was written by a local stripper who complained that when giving a lap dance a customer insisted she call him Tim Tebow as she did. That’s what GULPU.com is all about, giving hard working people the right to talk about the honest work they do.
The first twenty reviewers will be GULPU.com VIP members who will receive limited edition shirts this Monday, September 3rd at the GULPU Website Release Party. The party is at 3725 Jefferson St. in Carlsbad, CA. and begins at 3pm. The VIP shirts, designed by Underground Artist of the Year Joe Anderson, will only be available this one time so hurry up and sign up so you can write a review. There will be regular GULPU.com shirts as well as books for sale at the party so bring your wallet and five friends who want to support local literature. Food and live music by DJ SAVEE and the Paragraphs is also on the agenda so don’t be late this Labor Day.
GULPU.com has been a long time in the works and everyone here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions is very proud to be part of such a noble endeavor. Keep those reviews coming and let your soul go free as you unburden your mind from years of working hard to please customers. It’s time to have your voice heard by people who are just like you. It’s time we told websites like the four letter one that legally shall not be named that we will not be treated like animals. It’s time for all of us to experience review evolution at http://www.gulpu.com/
BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!
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Tags:blowjob, bush league, Carlsbad, customer, customer service, customers, four letter website, general drunken public, giant twat, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, GULPU, GULPU community, GULPU enthusiasts, GULPU review, GULPU VIP tee shirt, GULPU Website Release Pool Party, GULPU.com, GULPU.com release tee-shirt, internet, Joe Anderson, retail, review evolution, review., shot glasses, Start A New Review, stripper, threesome, tim tebow, twin sister, twitter, Underground Artist Of The Year, virginity, web designer, whiskey
Posted in GULPU | Leave a Comment »
August 11, 2012
The following is an open apology to you, the general drunken public. I was involved in an incident the other night which unfortunately resulted in the delay of the release of GULPU.com. For that I sincerely apologize. It all started last Wednesday when I was leaving one of my favorite watering holes. While walking through the parking lot I noticed some drunk fucktard wearing a Red Sox hat and a tank top swaying as he pissed on someone else’s car. I was shocked at first but natural instinct quickly took over and I did what any honest American would do when faced with such a situation. I charged the cocksucker.
Upon impact I was able to avoid any urine splashes as I drove this disrespectful scumbag to the ground. He screamed as he fell pissing all over himself on his way down. Before I had a chance to laugh my ass off I found myself surrounded by several very large men dressed in black suits all holding guns pointed at my face.
We stood like that for several minutes when suddenly two cop cars showed up. They began to put me in handcuffs before I could explain what was happening. They didn’t care. Apparently the little prick bastard was some government official’s spoiled son and the big ugly suits were his security detail. They told the cops that I assaulted the fucker and flashed their government ID’s signifying my trip to the big house.
At the station they took all my possessions. When they found my wallet they searched it and found my business card that reads: “Jonathan Avella, CEO, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, We put the ass in class!” Things turned serious when they found out who I was and I was quickly transported to a holding cell at the local CIA building.
They tortured and interrogated me for company secrets for hours and at times I was close to swallowing the suicide pill all GuerillaDeSwine Productions employees are required to carry between their lips. Thankfully I was able to fight off the urge to squeal while still maintaining my silence and sanity.
Just as I was ready to break and sacrifice my life for the good of the company the head of our legal department showed up with an army of lawyers. It wasn’t long before I was free and we were discussing possible out of court financial settlements for my bogus assault charges. When my lawyers made it clear that we planned on suing over my mistreatment those assault charges quickly were dropped.
Unfortunately the government’s lawlessness went unpunished yet again. Not only that, but they got what they wanted all along, which was time. With this time the government attempted to wipe out GULPU before it could be released. Using the address on the back of my business card the government was able to locate the secret headquarters of GuerillaDeSwine Productions. Once there they burnt everything. Every file, every condom and every candy bar or bag of chips in the secret vending machine.
Before you freak out know that what the government thought was GuerillaDeSwine Productions secret headquarters was nothing more than one of the many decoys we have scattered across the world. However, once a decoy is compromised all GuerillaDeSwine Productions projects are shut down for forty eight hours and our employees are escorted into underground bunkers for protection.
My incarceration coupled with GuerillaDeSwine Productions shut down of operations have delayed the release of GULPU.com. Instead of GULPU.com being live tomorrow, it will be fully functional this Tuesday, August the 14th.
What hasn’t been postponed is the GULPU.com release party which is coming up on Monday September, 3rd also known as Labor Day. I couldn’t think of a better way to help America celebrate the social and economic contributions of workers then by us getting stinking drunk and celebrating the workers right to freely critique the very customers who constantly criticize them.
We will be serving up craft BBQ created by Chef AG Warfield, who is prominently featured in the much anticipated soon to release cookbook, San Diego Craft Beer Cook Book. In addition to the food we will be pouring fresh beer from the world’s finest brewery, The Lost Abbey. There will be live music provided by world renowned ninja, DJ SAVEE as well as a special performance by Southern California’s best band the Paragraphs.
Be one of the first twenty people to write a GULPU review when the website launches this coming Tuesday, August 14th and win a GULPU.com VIP invitation to the release party. Winners will receive a commemorative GULPU.com tee-shirt available this one time only, first dibs in the BBQ line, and a special one on one acoustic session with a local heartthrob lead singer.
GULPU is all about the people’s right to write how working in the customer service industry makes them feel. If you like freedom of speech and expression then you have come to the right place. GULPU.com will be here Tuesday August, 14th. Let the review evolution begin!
BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!
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Tags:American, Chef AG Warfield, CIA, craft BBQ, DJ SAVEE, freedom of speech, fucktard, general drunken public, government, GuerillaDeSwine Headquarters, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, GuerillaDeSwine Productions secret headquarters, GULPU, GULPU files, GULPU review, GULPU Website Release Pool Party, GULPU.com, GULPU.com release tee-shirt, Jonathan Avella, little prick bastard, LOVE LIFE, Love Life link, natural instinct, Red Sox, Red Sox hat, San Diego Craft Beer Cook Book, suicide pill, the government, The Lost Abbey, The Paragraphs, urine spalshes
Posted in GULPU | Leave a Comment »
July 28, 2012
For starters, as CEO of GuerillaDeSwine Productions I would like to personally thank you, the general drunken public, for an amazing turnout this past Sunday for the LOVE LIFE book release/signing party. We broke the record for most books sold at a pub in San Marcos, CA. ever. Special thanks are in order to Ivan Derezin for letting us host this tribute to local literature at the best craft beer pub in the world, Churchill’s Pub and Grille. Another special thanks are in order to the best band in all of San Diego, the Paragraphs for blessing us with one hell of an acoustic set. Big ups to Jesse Hofbauer, the head of the GuerillaDeSwine Productions music department for making such a special performance, happen.
The best part of the festivities was that it was all in the name of supporting local literature and celebrating National Buy A Book Day. Congratulations to Americans everywhere for returning their eyes to the written page. GuerillaDeSwine Productions has long been a proponent of people buying the wonderful books we sell and we encourage the country to continue to do so at a rapid pace.
The next GuerillaDeSwine Project on the horizon is the release of GULPU.com which we are proud to say is very close to being finished. Despite various attempts at government-sponsored sabotage GULPU.com is very real. So real in fact, I am pleased to publicly announce that it will be released Sunday, August 12th. Ever since we have introduced GULPU.com to you, the general drunken public, the offices at GuerillaDeSwine Productions have been overrun with letters and emails of various people’s reviews of customers or clients who have gone above and beyond to be flaming douchebags. Here is one of my favorites.
Josh M., Las Vegas, NV. GULPU
We originally started doing Tuesday wing night as an attempt to bring people into the restaurant mid week. Sure the wings were a wash at forty-nine cents a piece, but if every person who eats eight wings drinks one to two beers then the profits eventually add up. Most people do, which is why we still offer our mouth watering buffalo wings for so cheap. Unfortunately, our discounted delicious wings also attract people who should be 86ed from every restaurant they’ve ever step foot in.
They come dressed in tank tops, board shorts and flat brimmed baseball caps of teams they have never heard of. As they park mommy and daddy’s SUV in the handicap spot 10 little fucktards who have never bussed a table in their life slither out of the vehicle.
The hostess shudders when she sees them stumble through the door putting each other in headlocks as they do. They demand a table for ten and grow impatient when that’s not something we can accommodate due to the fact that every table in the restaurant is full.
Once their table is finally ready four to six more of them show up and just assume that they can add on extra chairs and tables as they see fit. When reminded that a restaurant isn’t their fucking house they respond with an irrational succession of bro bombs best left to be ignored by an intelligent human being.
Instead of ordering a two dollar soda or a four dollar frosty beer of the week these kids sporting iced out watches, texting on their five hundred dollar phones and wearing designer sunglasses can’t seem to afford anything other than ice water. Not only that but each one of these ten people will require their waters to be refilled every five minutes.
It takes three of us to run their food. When we arrive at the table no one there seems to remember what it is they ordered leaving us standing around holding hot plates while these idiots discuss who got nine buffalo wings and who got eight barbecue wings.
After several minutes of playing wing sauce detective everyone has the food that they claimed they ordered. We ask if they are good and they respond with nods as they’ve already shoved their mouths full with wings as if it were their first meal since mommy and daddy dropped them off at college.
Midway through their meal and two of them claim we gave them the wrong wings. Of course this is after they have eaten half of them already. Inevitably they blame the server for messing up their order. I point out that five minutes ago not only did they not know what they ordered when they were asked if the plate in front of them was right they said yes.
We replace the wings, but honestly caving in to make these little shits happy makes me feel like keying “Hail To The Redskins” into the side of mommy and daddy’s SUV while they are busy rubbing their face in the giant stack of twenty wings which will only cost them ten dollars. Instead we nod and smile and check on them frequently throughout their meal as we do with every table.
Other then needing a refill on water and ranch they always say they are okay. We go through four to five gallons of ranch every Tuesday wing night and a large percentage of this ranch is going to this one table. They use so much ranch that you can no longer see the wing drowned in all that dressing. It’s to the point where we could charge people like this discounted ranch with a side of wings.
When the check comes they scoff at the amount and immediately demand that it be split. Splitting a check for ten people who can barely remember what the fuck they ate just five minutes before can be difficult and is always time consuming.
After finally figuring out who gets charged what there is always one or two of them who claim they are being charged for something they were never served. Again they blame the server even though when asked five to seven times if they were okay they never seemed to mention this mistake they were now so sure we had made.
Then these cheap little bastards have the nerve to leave my servers a penny because they were upset we wouldn’t let them order two hundred wings to go. The ones who can’t spare a penny leave nothing but a stack of gnawed wing bones and a pool of ranch dripping off the edge of their table. When these little schmucks die they will be waiting tables in hell and mommy and daddy won’t be there to ensure their hands steer clear of real work.
JOSH M., LAS VEGAS, NV. GULPU
If you like what you read above then we here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions suggest you sign up with your email here http://www.gulpu.com/
Our day is coming. August 12th experience review evolution, at GULPU.com.
P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT
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Tags:buffalo wings, CEO, Churchill's Pub, Churchill's Pub and Grille, college, general drunken public, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, GULPU, GULPU review, GULPU.com, Hail To The Redskins, hell, hostess, Ivan Derezin, jesse hofbauer, Las Vegas, local literature, LOVE LIFE, Love Life link, National Buy a Book Day, ranch dressing, restaurant, San Diego, San Marcos CA., server, SUV, The Paragraphs, wing night
Posted in GULPU | 1 Comment »
June 30, 2012
To all the fans out there who are anxiously awaiting the launch of GULPU.com as president of the site’s parent company, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, I would like to personally apologize for the website’s delayed release. As with most things that are delayed GULPU’s is directly related to government interference. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to such interference as we are a company that promotes free speech, sex and thought which are rights that all conflict with what the government believes we the general public should have.
It all started with a four letter website that I am legally not allowed to name due to the fact that my attorney and I are still knee deep in an intense legal battle that could make or break the future of GULPU. This website that shall remain nameless is privately owned by none other than the government. That became clear when I received a letter with a return address of the White House claiming that the premise of GULPU.com was an infringement on this other four letter website’s business plan. It closed with a threat that if we did not halt the development of GULPU.com that the government would personally see to it to put GuerillaDeSwine Productions out of business.
I get a lot of letters from the government telling me I am not allowed to do all sorts of things whether it’s my lucrative great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) or my beloved hobby of hunting endangered animals. However, if I stopped doing all the things I do that aren’t government-approved I would have nothing left to do but watch reality T.V. and read TimTebow biographies. As with all the letters I receive from the government I recycled this last one into toilet paper. Little did I know their investment in this four-letter website was more important to them than I first perceived.
Two weeks after I wiped my ass with the letter on the eve of GULPU.com being finished our web designer went missing along with all his GULPU files. We knew instantly this was an inside job as we had locked our designer in an underground bunker in a desert in New Mexico to ensure that he would be undisturbed. After personally torturing the entire staff of GuerillaDeSwine Productions by forcing them to watch a show featuring a 16 year old pregnant gypsy contemplating which wedding dress best matched her pack of camel lights I easily found our snitch.
Fortunately they were keeping our designer in a bunker right next door to the bunker we had been keeping him in. God bless the government. I assembled a team of door guys and we swiftly moved in and easily dispatched of a small team of unarmed government secret agents. We found our designer caged and unfed but more importantly the GULPU files were gone. We were going to have to start from scratch.
When we returned to headquarters we found the lawsuit letter which had no mention of the government. Apparently the four letter website was suing us and didn’t want the general public to know their main financial backer was the government. That is where we stand now. Never fear for I have an extremely expensive lawyer and he and I believe that there are many differences between GULPU.com and the one that shall not be named. The most fundamental of which is that the people who will be writing reviews on GULPU.com are professionals in the field of which they will be reviewing. The same cannot be said for the four-letter site that gives any slack-jawed yokel with a lap top and too many Long Islands in their system an open forum to hate on hard working people. My lawyer and I also believe that without secret involvement from the government this case would have been thrown out immediately by any judge worth their gavel.
We shall overcome this government-inspired oppression but we cannot do so without the support of you, the general public. That is why we have launched a GULPU.com coming soon page. There you will be able to sign up with your email as a show of support for our right to freely talk shit about douchebags who lack respect and common sense. In other words sign up now and let the government know that embarrassing the ignorant is your birth given right. The address for the GULPU.com coming soon site is, ready? http://www.gulpu.com
In addition to supporting a noble cause for basic human freedom by signing up with your email at GULPU.com you will also instantly be put on our email list and will receive updates on the case, our eventual victory and all the latest GULPU.com launch news. Be the first to know when GULPU.com is up and running so you can be the first reviewer. If you are one of the lucky first twenty you will not only get a limited edition GULPU.com release tee-shirt, you will also receive an invite to the launch pool party featuring food cooked by a world renowned chef who once starred in a high profile HBO show.
The GULPU.com coming soon site launched yesterday and there is a link above and also one under blogroll on the right hand side of this page so all you GULPU enthusiasts be sure to visit the site and sign up with your email. As for the actual GULPU site it will be ready soon. I feel the government weakening and that the power of freedom will soon prevail. So get your curse words and witty tales of human douchebaggery ready because your chance at review evolution is right around the corner.
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Tags:16 year old pregnant gypsy, attorney, camel lights, chef, door guys, douchebag, douchebaggery, douchebags, four letter website, free sex, free speech, free thought, gerneral public, governmant-inspired oppression, government, government interference, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, gulp, GULPU, GULPU community, GULPU enthusiasts, GULPU files, GULPU review, GULPU Website Release Pool Party, GULPU.com, GULPU.com release tee-shirt, HBO, human douchebaggery, long island, Long Island Iced Tea, New Mexico, review evolution, sex, slack jawed yokel, snitch, thought, unarmed government agents, underground bunker, web designer, website, wedding dress, White House
Posted in GULPU, Miscellaneous Rants | Leave a Comment »
May 26, 2012
I don’t like to toss the words frosty and bitch around lightly, but sometimes there is no other way to describe certain females. There are just some women who make it a point to be a royal pain in the ass. There are men like that too except we call them a douche bag or asshole or dickbag. The term frosty bitch, however, is one I like to reserve for the fairer sex.
It was college night and we were slammed. I was by myself behind the bar and maintaining pretty well despite the constant stream of server tickets spewing out of my ticket printer. I pulled three tickets and on my way to making those drinks took an order from a couple at the right end of the bar. After placing six drinks in the server window I proceeded to mix the couples drinks. I served them with a smile and moved onto a group of three guys to the left of them.
They all ordered beers and on my way to the draft tower I snagged two more server tickets from the printer. As I was pouring the beers I scanned the bar. Three more server tickets had just printed out. The couple I had just served was good, the guys next to them were the ones I was serving, there was another couple to the left of them who were good and to the left of them was one guy who had just walked up and was patiently waiting with his money in hand.
I put the server’s drinks in the window and then served the three guys their beers. I gave the solo guy the head nod and then proceeded to cash out my current order. As I did that up walks a girl who I could tell from the slam of the front door had literally just walked in. She stood next to the guy I was going to help next and tried to catch my attention by bending over the bar showing her cleavage. I avoided nipple and eye contact and kept moving.
I dropped off the three guys change. Four more server tickets printed out. I approached the guy who had been patiently waiting. Before he could even begin to order this frosty bitch started waving her hand in the air.
“Excuse me I was here first.”
I ignored her and maintained eye contact with the guy. He began to order when again she waved a hand in the air.
“Are you fucking kidding me? I was like here way before him. “
I looked at her. She was in her early thirties but based on her makeup and skankified outfit it was clear she was hoping to pass for twenty-two. Her blatant attempt of looking younger was failing miserably.
“Excuse me Mam, but no you weren’t here first. I will be with you as soon as I help the customers who have been waiting longer.”
“Whatever. A gentleman would help the woman first.”
She then glanced at the guy I was originally trying to help with a crooked smile that smacked of a sickly attempt at seducing him. Instead of being interested in this forward flirt on her part he looked scared and confused. He motioned for me to help her first.
She ordered a lemon drop martini. I chilled her glass and then went about pouring the four server tickets. I placed the drinks in the server window and then began to mix her drink. The guy I had tried to help had walked away.
I put her drink in front of her and told her it would be eight dollars. She gasped in disgust.
“Really? It took long enough. I feel like that’s way too much money.”
She begrudgingly pulled her wallet out of her purse and slid a ten dollar bill across the bar. I gave her the change which she quickly snatched and put away. I saw that the guy I had tried to help before hadn’t left but had simply moved to the other side of the bar.
I went to go help him again when out of the corner of my eye I saw her reach for my fruit caddy. I was able to intervene before she stuck her grubby little hands all over my freshly cut fruit. I politely informed her that her touching my fruit was against health code and made it clear that if she wanted more fruit all she had to do was ask.
“Wow, rude. All I wanted was another lemon,” she said.
I handed her another lemon. The guy ordered a beer. The ticket printer pumped out two more server tickets. They were both beers. I poured them and then as I went to put them in the window I saw this frosty bitch with half her hand buried in the server’s fruit caddy.
I watched as she grabbed a couple of cherries and dropped them in her drink. She then stuck her dirty skank hand back in the caddy. I put the drinks down and slammed the lid of the caddy down on her. She screamed at such a high pitch it sounded like a cat was being tortured. She pulled her hand back and it was full of cherries and lemons.
“I told you not to do that once already. If you do it again I will have to ask you to leave,” I said.
She let out a defiant cackle and then threw the fruit in her hand at me. Before the fruit hit the floor I snatched her drink and threw it away. I then came around the bar and escorted her out. She kicked and screamed and cursed and skanked but her words fell upon deaf ears.
When I returned I was finally able to help the guy who had been waiting so patiently. Once he got his drink he and everyone else that had come in contact with that frosty bitch breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of her leaving.
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Tags:asshole, Bar, beer, bitch, cherries, college night, cursed, customers, dickbag, douche bag, draft tower, drinks, fairer sex, females, forsty bitch, freshly cut fruit, frosty, fruit, fruit caddy, gentleman, grubby little hands, gulp, GULPU, GULPU community, GULPU review, GULPU Website Release Pool Party, GULPU.com, kicked, lemon drop, lemon drop martini, lemons, makeup, printer, screamed, server, server drinks, server tickets, server window, sigh of relief, skank, skanked, skankified, sknak hand, ticket printer, women
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April 28, 2012
A husband and wife walk into the bar. He is a fifty year old wearing a Hawaiian shirt half buttoned and she is homely and half his age. She is pushing a stroller with their child inside it. Most bars aren’t kid friendly, but since our establishment is both a restaurant and a pub we encourage families to be comfortable there. In fact a lot of our regulars bring in their sweet, well-mannered and well-behaved children all the time and not only do we as employees embrace them but other customers do as well.
This is why when this man strolled up with his kid and his darts no one really thought much of it. He approaches the bar. After waiting less than a minute he grows impatient and begins waving his cash in the air. I walk over to him.
“Jack and Coke. And whatever she wants,” he says.
He points over his shoulder at the woman he walked in with who is frantically trying to find a safer place than a crowded dart room in a busy pub for her to store her child. As she does she dodges darts until she finally finds a safe corner for her kid and her to sit. She begins to order, but does so in what sounded like German. She spoke as if she expected me to understand her. I stopped her finally and began to respond in English. She held up her finger and waved it in my face before turning and calling for the man in the Hawaiian shirt. He was playing darts so it took a minute to get his attention. She waved him over. He leaned on the bar, annoyed.
“I said a Jack and Coke.”
“Right, what is she having?” I asked pointing at his wife.
He nodded.
“Vodka Tonic. Make it the cheap stuff.”
I made their drinks and by the time I returned he was back to playing darts. I placed the drinks in front of the foreigner and told her it was nine dollars. She stared blankly at me. I motioned money with my fingers and she finally got it pulling out a twenty. I gave her some change which she pocketed.
Then the crying began. It started out quietly and brief, but slowly transformed into the sound of a constant scream. It was the kid. I scanned the bar and received annoyed looks from my happy hour regulars. The screaming stopped but continued to ring in my ears for several seconds longer. The guy returns with an empty glass.
“I don’t think there was any whiskey in that drink so make this one a double,” he says as he waves his money in my face.
I pull out a glass and a shot glass. I measure the drink to exactly two ounces and top it off with coke. He pays without tipping.
“Do you guys have any snacks? She’s hungry,” he says as he nods to his mail order bride.
I slide him a menu. He slides it back.
“No, no, I meant like peanuts or crackers or something.”
“No we do not, sir.”
“What kind of restaurant is this?”
He goes back to playing darts. I serve some other people when out of the corner of my eye I see him standing halfway in the doorway to the kitchen. I rush over and find him harassing the kitchen staff for soup crackers which unfortunately they give to him. I inform the man he is not to be bothering the kitchen and he walks away without acknowledging me.
I return to the bar and see that his wife is dousing the soup crackers in Tabasco sauce and shoving them down her throat. The screaming begins again shortly after that. The mother tries to console the child but to no avail. The father keeps playing darts not even looking over at her or the child. He returns to the bar and orders another double. I inform him that it would be appreciated if he could get the kid to stop screaming. He shrugs me off and returns to the dart board again without leaving a tip.
The screaming stops and everyone sitting at the bar and those sitting in the section of tables to the left of the dartboard release a collective sigh of relief to be free from the piercing sound of an angry child. He orders another double without tipping. Five minutes later the screaming starts right back up. The mother has since given up and stares blankly off into space while the father never acknowledges either one of them.
This happened every Friday for a month straight. It was to the point that customers were complaining about the noise. Both parents had been warned every week, but finally it became too much to bare. I was forced to walk out from behind the bar, pull the man to the side and inform him that his five year old child was 86ed from the establishment. He looked shocked. He glanced over at his screaming child briefly before turning back to me.
“If they wait out front can I stay?”
After fighting off the urge to call Child Protective Services I sent the whole fucked up family packing and thankfully have not seen them since.
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Tags:86ed, angry child, bar employees, bar regulars, bars, bartender, ca, cheap stuff, child protective services, children, crackers, customer, customers, dart board, dartboard, darts, double, east vista, employees, establishment, foreigner, german, GULPU, GULPU review, GULPU.com, happy hour regulars, Hawaiian shirt, husband, jack and coke, kitchen, kitchen staff, mail order bride, peanuts, pub, regular, regulars, restaurant, restaurant staff, screaming child, snacks, soup crackers, stroller, tabasco sauce, tip, tipping, tony d, vodka tonic, whiskey, wife
Posted in Bar Etiquette, GULPU | 1 Comment »
April 7, 2012
As CEO of GuerillaDeSwine Productions the parent company of GULPU.com I would like to personally thank everyone out there for being so patient in regards to the release of the GULPU website. I am pleased to say that we have finally found a web designer crazy enough to work with us. He nailed the swimsuit competition and completed the aquatic obstacle course in record time. Now that he has signed the contract he is under my control. He will be working twenty three hour days with a shit, shower, sleep and smoke break all rolled into his one hour of down time. This may sound extreme but our scientists here have found that people work harder when they are miserable.
What this means to you, the general public, is that GULPU.com will be up in no time so start getting your reviews ready. I recommend you organize your reviews from worst to best. That way the really big douchebags will be exposed as putrid individuals immediately. For example, if you come across a skankified college student who thinks it’s okay for twenty-two year olds to dump ranch and ketchup into a pint glass just so a busboy has to clean it up definitely post her review immediately in an effort to save a future busboy from extra work when he happens upon this frosty bitch.
That’s what GULPU.com is all about. We are here to help you help your fellow man. By calling out a customer who clearly has no clue what it means to be a respectful and contributing member of society they may read it and say, “you know what I am a raging bitch.” Sometimes this will work and sometimes it won’t but if it stops one fucktard from whistling at a bartender think what a great contribution you have just made to society.
The more people who read or leave reviews on GULPU.com the stronger we as working folk will become. Banding together against the evil tyranny that makes up seventy percent of the consumer public will form a bond no frat boy’s self-entitled attitude will ever be able to break. In order to strengthen our GULPU community as soon as possible it would be wise to begin to spread the word about GULPU.com to your family, friends, fuckmates, co-workers, as well as any random employee of all restaurants, bars, taverns, pubs, retail stores, video stores, call centers, any customer support or really any job or industry that has the word customer in its title that you may come in contact with.
We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions appreciate your support and would like to reward our most loyal customers. In an effort to do so we will be offering a prize for the first twenty people to leave reviews on GULPU.com once the website is up and fully functional. That’s right; the first twenty people to post their precious words on our site will receive a rare gift package!
This gift package includes a GULPU LAUNCH tee-shirt signed by Mr. GuerillaDeSwine himself. (The signature is optional). There will only be twenty of these release tee-shirts and they will be cooler than the GULPU.com tee-shirts we will have available for purchase to the general public. In addition to these one-time only specialty tee-shirts GULPU.com’s first twenty participants will receive an invitation to the GULPU Website Release Pool Party where the invitees will get to meet and swim with the lead singer of The Paragraphs, the band that insanely popular local magazine Happy Endings called, “The most kick-ass band in North County.” In addition to getting to meet a local celebrity there will be good beer, stiff cocktails, tasty BBQ and all the cornhole you can handle.
So start documenting all the evil shit the people you serve have ever done to you and be a part of the GULPU community. Alert as many other people as possible about our future existence so that the inaugural release becomes a successful one. Our success helps you and anyone who has ever ended a double by sucking vomit out of a sink with a shopvac. Be one of the first twenty GULPU reviewers and receive the prize package of a lifetime. Most importantly remember that the next time a scumbag squeezes your ass then stiffs you because you asked him to leave GULPU is here to help you fight back.
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Tags:aquatic obstacle course, band, Bar, bars, bartender, busboy, call centers, CEO, co-workers, consumer public, cornhole, customer service, customer support, douchebags, employee, evil tyranny, family, fight, frat boy, friends, frosty bitch, fuckmates, fucktard, general public, gift package, good beer, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, GULPU, GULPU community, GULPU review, GULPU Website Release Pool Party, GULPU.com, Happy Endings, industry, job, ketchup, lead singer, local celebrity, North County, pint glass, prize, pub, ranch, restaurant, retail stores, scientists, scumbag, service industry, skankified college student, smoke break, society, stiff cocktails, swimsuit competition, tasty BBQ, tavern, tee-shirt, The Paragraphs, video stores, vomit, web designer, website
Posted in GULPU, Miscellaneous Rants | Leave a Comment »
February 11, 2012
The craze over GULPU.com has reached a fevered pitch. We are so overwhelmed with your submissions we still haven’t had the opportunity to launch the official website. We beg of you to remain patient. With the help of our parent company GuerillaDeSwine Productions we are currently interviewing web designers to get GULPU.com off the ground. We haven’t had any luck yet. The interview usually falls apart right around the swimsuit competition which is the ninth stage of the official GuerillaDeSwine Productions hiring process. Never fear we are confident that we will come across the right designer to bring GULPU.com to life. Anyone interested please send your resume plus head shots to HR@GuerillaDeSwineProductions.com with the headline of GULPU.com web monkey.
In the meantime we at GULPU.com have come to realize that since we understand what it means to be a shitty customer it is our moral duty to offer hints to help the general public as to how they can improve themselves as consumers. It is our goal to eliminate ignorant and rude behavior completely from the business world. In order to do this we compiled a team of experts the likes of which this world has never seen. We locked these experts in a room without windows and fed them raw meat and booze for seven hours a day for seven days. As a result they came up with three tips to help the general public be better at getting served.
It all starts with common sense. We all have it, allegedly, so use it. If you order a well done burger, don’t complain that it is overcooked. Check that; don’t order a well done burger. If there isn’t any food left on your plate you probably won’t be receiving a refund, so don’t bother asking. Long Island Iced Teas are strong so if you order one and then complain that it is too strong that complaint will most likely fall upon deaf ears. When at a bar have both your ID and money out. Competent bartenders take pride in getting you your drink as fast as possible and would appreciate the same common courtesy. Nothing frustrates a bartender more than watching some fucktard dig through their wallet for five minutes searching for payment for a product that’s already delivered. That sort of stupidity is a good way to get ignored for the duration of your evening.
Next up is politeness. Unfortunately due to the high number of parents who are intellectually ill-equipped to raise a child the notion of being polite has been lost on several generations of customers. Being polite is simple and is always more pleasurable then being rude. What that means is don’t whistle or snap your fingers, don’t bang on the bar, don’t roll your empty bottle around and don’t wave money in people’s faces. Don’t yell, and more importantly certainly don’t yell baby, bro, barkeep, wench or garcon. Now, most of the people dumb enough to do stuff like that truly believe that not only are they funny but that they are endearing themselves to the person who is serving them. That is a lie and acting like a jackass will never get you anything but skipped.
Lastly, please don’t ask stupid questions. We can’t stress how important this particular quick tip is. When you ask a stupid question not only does someone have to take the time to listen to your asinine question, but they then have to offer an answer that will be a failed attempt at not embarrassing you. Our experts came up with several examples.
A man approaches the bar. He nods over to the jukebox.
“Does your jukebox play music?”
Another guy walks up to a bar with fifty taps.
“Do you guys sell pints of beer?”
A girl calls the restaurant on Christmas Day and upon someone answering the phone asks, “Are you guys open?”
This may sound like a logical way to find out if a place is open on a holiday, but I assure you that someone isn’t at work on a day the business is closed answering the phone just to tell people they aren’t open. If someone is there to answer the phone that means the place is open.
We know that some of you with actual working brains will say that these rules seem like they are easy enough to be left unspoken. Unfortunately for every one person who gets it there are ten bros lined up right behind you ready to make our lives miserable. We at GULPU.com urge people to share these rules with their friends so that we as a society can improve the lives of service industry people everywhere.
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Tags:baby, barkeep, bars, bartender, booze, Burger, chef, christmas day, common sense, cook, customer, dishwasher, draft beer, draft system, experts, fifty taps, fucktard, garcon, general manager, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, GULPU, GULPU.com, head shots, hints, hostess, jackass, jukebox, Long Island Iced Tea, manager, monkey, music, question, raw meat, restaurant, server, service industry, swimsuit, swimsuit competition, waiter, waitress, wallet, web designer, website, well done burger, wench
Posted in Bar Etiquette, GULPU, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
January 28, 2012
A guy walks up to the bar wearing skinny jeans and a V-neck shirt cut just low enough so you can see a portion of his chest tattoo which is undoubtedly the lyrics to some terrible Dave Matthews song. With a skinny mustache to match his kid’s size small jeans this guy has set my hipster alert for the day to a code orange. It’s busy and we are about four rows of customers deep. I am helping the customer next to him. As I am taking this person’s order the hipster interrupts. I ignore him but he does it again. I let him know I am helping someone else and that I will be with him in one moment. He is annoyed. I help three more people who have been waiting longer before I return to him.
“Finally”, he mutters under his breath.
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“Nothing. Give me a beer.”
“Okay. What beer?”
I point over my shoulder at my 50 tap draft system.
“Holy shit. You guys got a lot of beer.”
My patience wears thin as more customers pile up at my bar.
“You want a beer list?” I ask.
“I don’t do lists,” he says as he waves his hand in my face. “Just give me your favorite.”
“What style?”
“Doesn’t matter bro. I love all types of beer.”
I pour the most expensive beer I have on tap.
“That will be eight dollars. “
I go to help the guy next to him, but apparently the hipster has decided to string order me.
“I need a Newcastle and a vodka and tonic also,” he interrupts.
I finish taking the other person’s order before returning to the hipster.
“A Newcastle and Vodka and Tonic? Who are those for?”
“What?”
“Who are you ordering those drinks for? “
“My friends.”
“I need to see their ID’s.”
“Oh, no, they’re for me.”
“Go get your fucking friends.”
“Fine, watch my beer.”
I help five people in the time it takes him to return. He hands me two ID’s. I look around. His friends aren’t with him. I fight the urge to take his beer back and just ignore him for the rest of the evening.
“I need to see them as well as their ID’s.”
“Come on,” he says as he points at the ID’s, “They’re like thirty.”
“I would love to take your word for it, but I need to make sure the ID’s match the people.”
“Fine, watch my beer.”
I help ten people before he returns with his two friends. I verify the ID’s and go pour their drinks. When I return the hipster has his back to the bar and is engrossed in conversation with his friends.
“Here you go man,” I say as I place the drinks down on the bar.
He doesn’t respond. I repeat myself, this time louder. His friends get his attention. He turns to me.
“Eighteen dollars.”
“Start me a tab.”
“Cool, I just need a credit card.”
“Oh no, I want to pay cash.”
“You can’t run a tab then.”
“Why not?”
“Cuz you need a credit card to run a tab.”
“Just cash me out then.”
“Eighteen dollars.”
I feel the eyes of countless customers concentrated on me as the hipster struggles to pull his wallet out of his pocket because his skinny jeans are too small. When he finally gets his wallet out he slides me a twenty. On my way to the register I take three people’s orders. I return with the hipsters change and he is chatting to a girl who has just walked up. He takes his change.
“She wants a margarita on the rocks with salt.”
I make the drinks for the people I helped on my way to the register first, all of which takes thirty seconds. I make the margarita and hand it to him. He has put the two dollars back into his wallet and the girl already has a margarita in front of her. When he sees the second drink he points at the bartender I am working with.
“He got me.”
“You ordered from me.”
“I thought you forgot about me.”
I walk away and dump the margarita I just made. I help several more people before the hipster waves me down. He points at his beer.
“This is gross. Just give me a Michelob Ultra instead.”
“You told me you liked all beer.”
“I do, but not that.”
“As it states on our beer list we don’t take returns on beer.”
“I told you I don’t do lists bro.”
The urge to grab him by the back of his head and slam his face into the bar is nearly blinding. I decide instead to cut my losses.
“If I give you a Michelob Ultra will you go away?”
He nods. I give him his beer and he still doesn’t tip. In the future when my hipster alert reaches such a high level I will have a Michelob Ultra and my middle finger ready.
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Tags:Bar, bartender, beer, chest tattoo, craft beer, dave matthews, draft beer, draft system, GULPU, GULPU review, hipster, margarita, michelob ultra, mustache, newcastle, review., skinny jeans, vodka tonic
Posted in Bar Etiquette, GULPU | Leave a Comment »
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