Posts Tagged ‘happy hour’

I’m No Thief

December 16, 2012

A man in his late thirties approaches my bar in the midst of a busy Friday Happy Hour. He is wearing a skin tight white tee shirt that matches his sparkly white belt that matches his 42 inch wide white watch which matches his white I Phone. Every bone in my body went on immediate douche bag alert, but being the patient man I am I fought the urge to ignore this schmuck while ridiculing him to my regulars sitting close by, and actually decided to serve him.

He orders a dirty vodka martini. After crafting a delicious cocktail for this cockbag I inform him that during Happy Hour his drink costs just four dollars and fifty cents. He gives me a five and I give him his two quarters back which he proceeds to leave on the bar for my tip. While not the desired tip of a dollar it was a tip none the less so my douche bag threat level lowered from a red to an orange (for clarification of color levels for douche bag threat levels please see George W. Bush).

Some time passes before he comes back up to the bar. He orders a dirty vodka martini again which I gladly make. I knew it had to be getting close to seven which is what time Happy Hour is over so I punched his drink into the computer and it rang up as six dollars signifying that it was actually past seven and that any Happy Hour discounts were no longer available.

I returned to captain cock knocker and placed his dirty vodka martini in front of him. He tossed five dollars on the bar. I collected his money and counted it before informing him that Happy Hour was now over and that his dirty vodka martini was actually six dollars. He gasped and gave me a disgusted look.

“Well now I have to use my credit card.”

“That’s fine sir we have no minimum on credit cards,” I replied as I placed his money back on the bar in front of him.

He let his money sit on the bar without pulling out his wallet. I looked around the bar and saw at least three customers ready to order drinks who were waiting on me to finish with this fucktard.

“What time is Happy Hour over?” he asked still not pulling out his wallet.

“7 pm sir,” I replied.

He looked at his giant white watch that was bigger than my flat screen at home.

“That’s bullshit man. Its 7:02 and I ordered at 7.”

“Happy Hour is over at 7 pm sir.”

My douche bag threat level flared back up to a red.

“Really dude?” he said.

“Really what?”

“I ordered at 7 bro.”

“As I have stated before Happy Hour is over at 7 sir.”

“Really dude?”

I scanned the bar. There were now six people waiting to order as I interacted with this asshole.

“Really what sir?”

“You’re going to do this over a dollar dude?”

Astonished at the irony of that statement I could do nothing other than just stare at him. He got the point, eventually and in between a “whatever bro” and not leaving a tip he signed his tab and carried his dirty martini away.

This sort of interaction happens all the time. It’s as if because I serve alcohol which at times makes people do shady things people just naturally assume that my intentions are always shady. Like the girl who had just turned twenty-one a couple of days earlier who wanted to complain about her two dollar and fifty cent vodka cranberry not being strong enough.

She sent her boyfriend up first who sheepishly said that his girlfriend thought her drink was weak. He was quick to say that his whiskey coke was perfect. It was clear that all he wanted was to get laid which with a grumpy and sober girlfriend wasn’t going to happen. I offered to make him a double for five dollars. He quickly accepted.

Twenty minutes passed before he returned this time with his girl on his shoulder. I finished helping another customer before approaching them.

“What can I get for you folks?”

“Uh yeah, I would like a vodka cranberry except this time could you put some vodka in it,” she said.

I was shocked; she didn’t want more vodka she truly believed that I was pouring her straight cranberry juice.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“Well my first couple of drinks didn’t have any vodka in them. Last time my boyfriend came up and someone else poured him a drink that was perfect.”

I looked around. I was the only bartender there.

“Actually that was me and it was a double,” I said

“Oh, then like that.”

“You want a double then?”

“No I want a single with vodka in it like the last one you poured.”

“So you want me to pour you a double but charge you for a single.”

The boyfriend leaned in at this point.

“If you hook us up we’ll hook you up bro (shady),” he said.

“A single it is,” I said.

I walked to my well. Normally I pour about a shot and a half per mixed drink but this girl had lost that privilege. I pulled out a shot glass measured the vodka to the line and filled the glass with cranberry. I slid it to her charged her two dollars and fifty cents and she walked away without leaving a tip all because she believed that I wasn’t just short pouring her but that I wasn’t pouring any vodka in her glass at all.

Believe me when I say I have not made a living off charging people for drinks that don’t have any alcohol in them. Not putting any liquor in your drink doesn’t benefit me. Doing so would be shady and would be the equivalent of being a thief.

A thief walks into a bar hovers amongst the crowd and then snatches someone else’s property right off the bar top. Then when said thief is caught red handed and confronted about the theft they look you dead in the eye and lie saying they have never stolen anything in their life. I am not a thief, I am a bartender and a guy who thinks I’m out to rip him off for a dollar or a girl who thinks I am shady enough not to pour a product I am charging for, well, they are just morons.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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National Buy A Book Day

July 21, 2012

The recent release of LOVE LIFE, my second novel, was a stunning failure. The sales of this tale about main character Hunter Jack and his struggle to find love in his life were more than half what we were expecting. With the timing so close to National Buy A Book day this coming Sunday, the 22nd of July and the fevered anticipation for my next book after my award winning first novel, FIRST LIGHT, we thought for sure that copies of LOVE LIFE would fly off the shelves of Amazon.com faster than a pair of Hyena’s panties at a high school keg party.

As the author of this book I am personally disappointed by the lack of support for local literature. Depression struck me like a fist and sent me down a dark path that nearly led me to dangerous decisions. I stayed glued to my computer closely tracking the sales of my book. After hour three when we had still only sold two books I couldn’t take anymore.

I left GuerillaDeSwine Headquarters and found a dark pub to drown my sorrows with some Buffalo Trace and frosty pints. By my third round my spirits had worsened. What had triggered this is that the twenty-two year old smoking hot bartender was late in refilling my glasses because she was caught up reading some book called Twilight. I wondered what that was. It wasn’t long before I became enraged with jealousy. I left the pub abruptly on a mission to find out what this book that so engaged the kind of people I would want to read my book and stalk me was all about.

Back at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I used our state of the art computer full with internet and Microsoft Word 98 and was able to figure out that this book wasn’t just popular amongst hot female bartenders, but with women of all ages. Apparently it is the story of a transvestite teenage vampire who likes to wear makeup and glitter that has sex with his neighbor’s dog and turns the poor puppy into a werewolf who also likes to wear glitter and makeup. The whole time the transvestite seduces whatever hot teenager, boy or girl that it comes in contact with.

At first I was outraged that such a stupid and superficial concept would be so popular while my well-crafted story rich with drama, comedy and plot twists toiled in anonymity. I was faced with only two options. Quit writing and return to my old job as a ditch digger, or I could become a successful writer the only way that seemed possible, by totally selling out. Just as I finished my letter of resignation to my bosses at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I sobered up from my earlier binge at the bar and it dawned on me that giving up wasn’t going to solve anything. It had been my lifelong dream to be a successful writer who rocked jewelry and smacked strippers in the face with dollar bills. If I had to sell out in order to achieve a lifestyle the likes of such literary lore then so be it.

From this revelation my next writing project was born. It was going to be called The White Knuckle of Justice. It was the story (spoiler alert) of a teenage George Washington, who long before having presidential aspirations was called upon for a much more important job as a licensed zombie hunter. While other kids his age slept with their cousins and wasted their time with arithmetic, teenage George Washington was out slaying the undead with a wooden stake he personally carved out of an apple tree. Before long Mallory, the head of the high school cheerleading squad, falls for the studly future president and their love for each other forms a bond not even a zombie can break. That is, until a zombie breaks this bond by killing Mallory and turning her into the undead. In a tear jerking conclusion George is forced to decide what is more important, killing zombies, or trying to save his undead ex.

When I submitted this manuscript idea to the powers that be at GuerillaDeSwine Productions they locked me in a dungeon where they fed me nothing but Bud Light and peanut shells while forcing me to watch Howard Stern on his new television show so I could truly understand the meaning of selling out. I emerged from this darkness a re-born author: one not concerned with monetary rewards but with the commitment to returning our nation’s eyes to literature.

This Sunday, July 22nd will be the first step towards doing that. National Buy A Book Day is a chance for Americans everywhere to put down their remotes or computer mice and go to their local book store or pub and support the written word. Anyone in the Southern California area is encouraged to celebrate at the LOVE LIFE book signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille in San Marcos, CA. at 4pm this Sunday. There will be food for you, the general drunken public to consume, and if it all gets eaten never fear for it is happy hour all day which means there are food and drink specials.

If this book signing doesn’t go well I may try my hand at writing screenplays for reality television. It seems to me like as long as your show is about backwood rednecks or snaggle toothed gypsies you have a recipe for success. Unfortunately in order to be able to write reality television shows you need surgery to remove the creative part of your brain, so once you cross that line there is no coming back. That is not the desired outcome, but without the support of you, the general drunken public this Sunday, it could turn out to be my unfortunate reality. Save me from selling out my literary soul by drinking and eating with me at the LOVE LIFE book signing/release party. Bring books, breasts and babies for me to sign and I will gladly oblige.

P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT


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