Posts Tagged ‘hostess’

Josh M., Las Vegas, NV. GULPU

July 28, 2012

For starters, as CEO of GuerillaDeSwine Productions I would like to personally thank you, the general drunken public, for an amazing turnout this past Sunday for the LOVE LIFE book release/signing party. We broke the record for most books sold at a pub in San Marcos, CA. ever. Special thanks are in order to Ivan Derezin for letting us host this tribute to local literature at the best craft beer pub in the world, Churchill’s Pub and Grille. Another special thanks are in order to the best band in all of San Diego, the Paragraphs for blessing us with one hell of an acoustic set. Big ups to Jesse Hofbauer, the head of the GuerillaDeSwine Productions music department for making such a special performance, happen.

The best part of the festivities was that it was all in the name of supporting local literature and celebrating National Buy A Book Day. Congratulations to Americans everywhere for returning their eyes to the written page. GuerillaDeSwine Productions has long been a proponent of people buying the wonderful books we sell and we encourage the country to continue to do so at a rapid pace.

The next GuerillaDeSwine Project on the horizon is the release of GULPU.com which we are proud to say is very close to being finished. Despite various attempts at government-sponsored sabotage GULPU.com is very real. So real in fact, I am pleased to publicly announce that it will be released Sunday, August 12th. Ever since we have introduced GULPU.com to you, the general drunken public, the offices at GuerillaDeSwine Productions have been overrun with letters and emails of various people’s reviews of customers or clients who have gone above and beyond to be flaming douchebags. Here is one of my favorites.

Josh M., Las Vegas, NV. GULPU

We originally started doing Tuesday wing night as an attempt to bring people into the restaurant mid week. Sure the wings were a wash at forty-nine cents a piece, but if every person who eats eight wings drinks one to two beers then the profits eventually add up. Most people do, which is why we still offer our mouth watering buffalo wings for so cheap. Unfortunately, our discounted delicious wings also attract people who should be 86ed from every restaurant they’ve ever step foot in.

They come dressed in tank tops, board shorts and flat brimmed baseball caps of teams they have never heard of. As they park mommy and daddy’s SUV in the handicap spot 10 little fucktards who have never bussed a table in their life slither out of the vehicle.

The hostess shudders when she sees them stumble through the door putting each other in headlocks as they do. They demand a table for ten and grow impatient when that’s not something we can accommodate due to the fact that every table in the restaurant is full.

Once their table is finally ready four to six more of them show up and just assume that they can add on extra chairs and tables as they see fit. When reminded that a restaurant isn’t their fucking  house they respond with an irrational succession of bro bombs best left to be ignored by an intelligent human being.

Instead of ordering a two dollar soda or a four dollar frosty beer of the week these kids sporting iced out watches, texting on their five hundred dollar phones and wearing designer sunglasses can’t seem to afford anything other than ice water. Not only that but each one of these ten people will require their waters to be refilled every five minutes.

It takes three of us to run their food. When we arrive at the table no one there seems to remember what it is they ordered leaving us standing around holding hot plates while these idiots discuss who got nine buffalo wings and who got eight barbecue wings.

After several minutes of playing wing sauce detective everyone has the food that they claimed they ordered. We ask if they are good and they respond with nods as they’ve already shoved their mouths full with wings as if it were their first meal since mommy and daddy dropped them off at college.

Midway through their meal and two of them claim we gave them the wrong wings. Of course this is after they have eaten half of them already. Inevitably they blame the server for messing up their order. I point out that five minutes ago not only did they not know what they ordered when they were asked if the plate in front of them was right they said yes.

We replace the wings, but honestly caving in to make these little shits happy makes me feel like keying “Hail To The Redskins” into the side of mommy and daddy’s SUV while they are busy rubbing their face in the giant stack of twenty wings which will only cost them ten dollars. Instead we nod and smile and check on them frequently throughout their meal as we do with every table.

Other then needing a refill on water and ranch they always say they are okay. We go through four to five gallons of ranch every Tuesday wing night and a large percentage of this ranch is going to this one table. They use so much ranch that you can no longer see the wing drowned in all that dressing. It’s to the point where we could charge people like this discounted ranch with a side of wings.

When the check comes they scoff at the amount and immediately demand that it be split. Splitting a check for ten people who can barely remember what the fuck they ate just five minutes before can be difficult and is always time consuming.

After finally figuring out who gets charged what there is always one or two of them who claim they are being charged for something they were never served. Again they blame the server even though when asked five to seven times if they were okay they never seemed to mention this mistake they were now so sure we had made.

Then these cheap little bastards have the nerve to leave my servers a penny because they were upset we wouldn’t let them order two hundred wings to go. The ones who can’t spare a penny leave nothing but a stack of gnawed wing bones and a pool of ranch dripping off the edge of their table. When these little schmucks die they will be waiting tables in hell and mommy and daddy won’t be there to ensure their hands steer clear of real work.

JOSH M., LAS VEGAS, NV. GULPU

If you like what you read above then we here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions suggest you sign up with your email here http://www.gulpu.com/

Our day is coming. August 12th experience review evolution, at GULPU.com.

P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT

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You’re 86ed!

June 17, 2012

It takes a special kind of dirt bag to get 86ed from a bar. It is the highest level of bar discipline there is. First you get cut off, then you get kicked out, but to be 86ed means you went below and beyond the worst of human behavior. Getting 86ed requires more than simply falling out of a stool or vomiting in a plant. You have to reach an extreme level of douchebaggery to receive a lifetime ban. With 81 unassisted 86ing’s on my stat sheet I would like to share my expertise on the subject so that you can avoid ever being banned from a bar for life.

First of all never swing first. What that means is if you don’t instigate a fight a fight usually won’t find you. I have found that people who get into bar fights go out looking for them. There are guys out there who believe that fighting is a way to solve simple bar disagreements. They suck down countless vodka red bulls and then have two options; have a heart attack or start a fight. I prefer they choose the first option but they never seem to.

Fights are bad for business and are a serious buzzkill. People get hurt; girls start screaming and most of the time the cops show up. Pain, female screaming and the police aren’t exactly my idea of a party. If they are yours you won’t last long at my bar. Starting a fight is an automatic 86ing and if you happen to hit my door guy he is likely to break your fucking legs so that you have to crawl to whatever bar you plan on starting shit at next.

In some cases where fights are involved the instigator isn’t the only one to be 86ed. If you get in the way or ignore our attempts at breaking up a fight you will be 86ed. If you escalate the fight to a higher level of violence, like say cracking a pool cue over a guy’s head, not only will you be 86ed, you will also be billed for a new pool cue.

In order to be welcomed back to a bar you must respect that bar and its policies. The most important policy a bar must uphold is to not sell alcohol to minors. If a bar or one of its employees get caught doing so they can be fined, lose their liquor license or can even be arrested.  That’s why if you come into my bar with a minor and try to sneak them drinks you will be 86ed.

I work with an elite staff that take their jobs very seriously and are damn good at them. No matter how sneaky you think you are being we will always catch you. We are smart enough to know that those two shots you claimed are “both for me bro” aren’t, and as soon as you walk away you are on immediate watch. At that point it is only a matter of time before we bounce both you and the sixteen year-old girl you passed that second shot off to. If you want to get a minor wasted do it at home like a normal parent or older brother or statutory rapist.

In addition to respecting bar policies it is important to treat the bar staff with that same level of respect. We are here to help you have a good time so don’t fuck with us. Bar employees have to put up with a lot of shit but crossing certain lines will absolutely get you 86ed. The second you throw a shot glass or a handful of fruit at me you will be 86ed. If you decide to talk shit about me or one of my fellow bar employees or even the bar at which I work you will be 86ed. If you threaten to break a bar stool over my head because I cut you off you will be 86ed.

Sexually harassing bar employees is the easiest way to get yourself banned from a bar for life. Whether it’s a hungry pack of Human Female Hyenas molesting a defenseless bar back or a group of frat boys hounding an innocent hostess any unwanted and aggressive come on that crosses the line will get you 86ed. That means no touching us, ever. This rule mainly applies to female employees. The second your hand grabs the ass or breast of a female employee you will be lucky to leave with that limb still attached to your body.

There doesn’t necessarily need to be a specific reason for 86ing someone. Over time the accumulation of minor infractions can add up to getting a repeat offender of bar policy 86ed for no reason at all. If you are repeatedly rude, disrespectful, don’t tip, and are hated by regulars and employees then you will be banned from every decent bar you ever frequent. It eventually gets to the point where it is so evident what a dickbag a certain individual is that I may 86 them simply for saying hello.

People who get 86ed always seem to try to come back. Not just once, but multiple times. No matter how many times you try to explain to someone they are 86ed they never seem to grasp that it is for life. There is no getting un-86ed once the final verdict has been handed down. All appeals will fall on deaf ears. Making excuses or apologizing or begging is not going to undo what ever asinine act got you 86ed in the first place. My advice to anyone I’ve ever 86ed is to save your time and your breath and find some other bar to act like an asshole at.

GULPU Quick Tips

February 11, 2012

The craze over GULPU.com has reached a fevered pitch. We are so overwhelmed with your submissions we still haven’t had the opportunity to launch the official website. We beg of you to remain patient. With the help of our parent company GuerillaDeSwine Productions we are currently interviewing web designers to get GULPU.com off the ground. We haven’t had any luck yet. The interview usually falls apart right around the swimsuit competition which is the ninth stage of the official GuerillaDeSwine Productions hiring process. Never fear we are confident that we will come across the right designer to bring GULPU.com to life. Anyone interested please send your resume plus head shots to HR@GuerillaDeSwineProductions.com with the headline of GULPU.com web monkey.

In the meantime we at GULPU.com have come to realize that since we understand what it means to be a shitty customer it is our moral duty to offer hints to help the general public as to how they can improve themselves as consumers. It is our goal to eliminate ignorant and rude behavior completely from the business world. In order to do this we compiled a team of experts the likes of which this world has never seen. We locked these experts in a room without windows and fed them raw meat and booze for seven hours a day for seven days. As a result they came up with three tips to help the general public be better at getting served.

It all starts with common sense. We all have it, allegedly, so use it. If you order a well done burger, don’t complain that it is overcooked. Check that; don’t order a well done burger. If there isn’t any food left on your plate you probably won’t be receiving a refund, so don’t bother asking. Long Island Iced Teas are strong so if you order one and then complain that it is too strong that complaint will most likely fall upon deaf ears. When at a bar have both your ID and money out. Competent bartenders take pride in getting you your drink as fast as possible and would appreciate the same common courtesy. Nothing frustrates a bartender more than watching some fucktard dig through their wallet for five minutes searching for payment for a product that’s already delivered. That sort of stupidity is a good way to get ignored for the duration of your evening.

Next up is politeness. Unfortunately due to the high number of parents who are intellectually ill-equipped to raise a child the notion of being polite has been lost on several generations of customers. Being polite is simple and is always more pleasurable then being rude. What that means is don’t whistle or snap your fingers, don’t bang on the bar, don’t roll your empty bottle around and don’t wave money in people’s faces. Don’t yell, and more importantly certainly don’t yell baby, bro, barkeep, wench or garcon. Now, most of the people dumb enough to do stuff like that truly believe that not only are they funny but that they are endearing themselves to the person who is serving them. That is a lie and acting like a jackass will never get you anything but skipped.

Lastly, please don’t ask stupid questions. We can’t stress how important this particular quick tip is. When you ask a stupid question not only does someone have to take the time to listen to your asinine question, but they then have to offer an answer that will be a failed attempt at not embarrassing you. Our experts came up with several examples.

A man approaches the bar. He nods over to the jukebox.

“Does your jukebox play music?”

Another guy walks up to a bar with fifty taps.

“Do you guys sell pints of beer?”

A girl calls the restaurant on Christmas Day and upon someone answering the phone asks, “Are you guys open?”

This may sound like a logical way to find out if a place is open on a holiday, but I assure you that someone isn’t at work on a day the business is closed answering the phone just to tell people they aren’t open. If someone is there to answer the phone that means the place is open.

We know that some of you with actual working brains will say that these rules seem like they are easy enough to be left unspoken. Unfortunately for every one person who gets it there are ten bros lined up right behind you ready to make our lives miserable. We at GULPU.com urge people to share these rules with their friends so that we as a society can improve the lives of service industry people everywhere.


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