Posts Tagged ‘Human Female Hyena’

Thanks Given

November 24, 2012

Ever since I was a young boy Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Hanging out with the people you love the most plus turkey plus football equals the greatest day of the year. Now as a grownup I appreciate it even more as I realize that there are many people and places and things that I am very thankful for. When I was younger I used to think it was stupid when my mother would make everyone at the table take a moment to talk about what they were thankful for, but nowadays I think that is an important part of my favorite holiday so I figured why not share mine with you, the general drunken public.

First and foremost I am thankful for my family, friends and beautiful fiancé. Without these loved ones I would not be the man that I am today. I am thankful to work at Churchill’s Pub and Grille the greatest craft food/beer pub with the best staff in the entire world. While our competitors choose to serve suspect mac and cheese or promote club night with DJ Glowstick or offer drink specials where when you buy a pint you get a $2 shot of 151 and a free match we at Churchill’s do what we have always done, offer great service and freshly prepared food served alongside delicious beer.

I am thankful to Stone Brewery who honored me with the right of being the first person to break the news of their special San Diego Beer Week beer release. Sales on Stone Lite, Stone Hef and Stone Original have been through the roof but the top seller has been Stone Bro of which they have sold so much they are running out of donkey piss to fill the bottles with.

I am thankful to Human Female Hyenas who prowl the night with a hint of flavored vodka and semen on their breath. Without these pack hunting skanks men in bars all across the country would be lost at last call left only with the option of going home alone and whacking off to internet porn. A word of advice to all you lonesome losers getting laid by women older than your mother wrap that shit up B.

I am thankful for hipsters. Without them homeless people would have no one dressed the same as them. I love to watch a group of hipsters sip on poor man’s PBR while wearing two hundred dollar cardigans as they bitch over the infection their cock ring gave them.

I am thankful to reality television for keeping backwoods rednecks, teenage whores and rich white housewives current in our modern society. Without it how else would any of those people make a living that didn’t involve ditch digging, dick sucking or spending other people’s money.

I am thankful to Tim Tebow for being the most talked about backup quarterback/punt protector in the history of football. Without him ESPN would go out of business. I am also very thankful for Robert Griffin III for being the best player in the league, being highly attractive but mainly because he is not Tim Tebow.

I am thankful to bad parents especially when they display their bad parenting in public. While their misbehaving kids are obnoxious and the parents disinterested they act as one of the strongest forms of birth control on the market, and it’s free. I believe high school kids should be trapped in a room with bad parents as a way to deter teen pregnancy which is rampant in this country. Bad parents also make those women who are in long term relationships and can’t wait to have a kid think twice about poking holes in their boyfriend’s condoms.

I am thankful to bad tippers, bros, whistlers and people who believe they know everything about the bar business because they bartended their frat’s homo erotic initiation all male mixer one night. While at times these schmucks make my life a living hell they also put my job into perspective. For every coked up whore who accuses me of not pouring any vodka in her eighteenth vodka red bull there is a regular who is friendly, polite, funny and tips well. Without the customers who make me tell them to go fuck themselves I might fail to appreciate the importance of all the regulars who make this world wonderful.

Lastly I would like to thank the twenty-two year old skank from last night who told me I was going to die of a heart attack because I wouldn’t serve her or her boyfriend who was dressed like Brandon Lee from The Crow. I guess I’m not thankful to her personally but more to the fact that a whore of her caliber will someday die a painful death from one of the many STD’s she has contracted from her years of trolling street corners and that fact brings a thankful smile to my face.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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SAWC

October 6, 2012

I am going to release my own reality television network. I figure why let rednecks, gypsy whores and spoiled rich white women be the only ones to capitalize on producing terrible television that by the minute lowers our nation’s combined IQ. It doesn’t take much to entertain the general American Public, that has been made painfully clear by networks like Bravo and MTV that have pretty much junked any intelligent programming in favor of shows that glorify some of human beings worst qualities.

It is not surprising that in a nation filled with people who are fascinated with accidents, that these same people would be completely engrossed with television shows that make them feel better about their lives no matter how shitty they are. If you are feeling down then flip on the television and I bet you will find five different people who are doing worse, and not only that, they are proud of it.

I first thought that Americans being obsessed with reality television was just a ridiculous fad but upon further thought it looks like I gave my fellow countrymen a little too much credit. My notion that people would realize that watching shows about sixteen year old girls who are too stupid to realize that they are fucked for life only makes them being pregnant look better to the people who watch them. Why glorify ignorance? That will only lead more people down a path of lifelong ignorance a future our country seems obsessed with reaching.

At first I was greatly discouraged by this discovery and went into a dark state of depression that included binge drinking and a David Duchovny marathon. This depressive state went on for three weeks until I had a moment of clarity on the subject. If America wants television programming that glorifies the worst attributes of our species than that is exactly what they deserve to get and if it can make me a millionaire so rich that I never have to interact with the people who watch reality television that would be even better.

That is why I am releasing SAWC (stupid Americans watch crap) my new television network that will be available on all local cable providers as well as on DIRECTV and DISH network tomorrow. SAWC will be dedicated to broadcasting the most mind numbing and IQ lowering reality television out there. Now I know that is a tall order with awesome shows like My Gypsy Wedding and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but I have a crack staff of crackheads working around the clock and the pipe to come up with innovative ways to capture the short spanned attention of Americans.

In doing so we have come up with some exciting shows that we think will have Americans losing their jobs because they just simply can’t turn off SAWC. Tomorrow night we will premier Human Female Hyena Hunters an hour long look into middle aged skanks who troll late night bars in search of dick prey. Watch as they feast on innocent young men too drunk and horny to realize that they are being lured into the den of a pack of Human Female Hyenas. Once there few make it out without an STD and always leave with a scarred perspective of all women over forty.

Monday nights will be highlighted by The For Real Housewives of South Central. We went out and found wives of real life gangsters and followed them around to find out what makes these powerful women tick. It is a fascinating look into the world of banging frames and bitch smacking that you will never want to miss.

Tuesday nights will be Real Life Celebrity Surprise where our crew personally kidnaps real life celebrities and drops them into life threatening scenarios. Season one features Jay Leno waking up to find himself tied to a post in the middle of a burning building with a knife in his right hand shirt pocket and thirty minutes to get out of it. Also featured is Sarah Palin on a plane whose pilot evacuates as soon as the plane reaches its proper flying height. Watch in hilarity as the former vice presidential candidate scrambles around in a frantic attempt to save her life. I will admit these shows sound extreme but I assure you that none of the celebrities featured die, except Christian Bale.

Inspired by UFC and my great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) I am proud to say that Wednesday nights on SAWC will feature the Marine Life Fighting Hour. Aquatic creatures of all species and weight class will be locked in an underground octagon and forced to fight each other for various belts as well as the coveted MFLH fighter of the week award. Episode one kicks off with a gator versus a bull shark, a dolphin versus a squid and the heavyweight championship bout, a great white shark versus a killer whale. Any true fight fan will not want to miss Marine Life Fighting Hour.

Homeless Person Survivor will debut Thursday night. Watch as we take old rich white people and place them on an abandoned city block in Detroit in the middle of winter with nothing but a pair of torn khaki’s and torn sweater, a forty ounce of Olde English in a brown paper bag and half a pack of wet matches. We instruct all homeless shelters to deny the contestants entry in an effort to ensure the integrity of the show. Our cameras follow these people as they struggle to find food, water and a warm enough place to stay to survive the frigid night. Whoever lives the longest gets to defend their title in Season 2’s Homeless Person Survivor New York City.

We here at SAWC recognize that not everyone has the ability to compete due to being mentally disabled or physically challenged in some way. In an effort to give people like that a chance at competition and glory every Friday night we will show the Incestual Olympics. These games will be modeled after the Special Olympics and each week we will travel to a different southern town and recruit those poor souls left without normal human functions due to the fact that their mother is their father’s sister.

Last but not least we will release my favorite show on the SAWC network, 60 and Pregnant. Watch as these grannies not only get impregnated by random guys but follow them through the dangerous birth process all the way to them trying to make it as a senior citizen single mother. Hearts and hips will be broken as 60 and Pregnant guarantees to make you scream, vomit and cry.

SAWC looks forward to satisfying every Americans desire to rot their brains with mind numbingly awful television shows that showcase and glorify all that is wrong with society. I am proud to say that I hope my contribution to the dumbing down of our nation will make me filthy stinking rich so I may live in a house in the mountains safe from the moronic discussions that reality television inspires. I hope you all enjoy SAWC and it’s wonderful reality television programming and always remember if watching people destroy their lives doesn’t entertain you, then you sir or madam are not American.

You’re 86ed!

June 17, 2012

It takes a special kind of dirt bag to get 86ed from a bar. It is the highest level of bar discipline there is. First you get cut off, then you get kicked out, but to be 86ed means you went below and beyond the worst of human behavior. Getting 86ed requires more than simply falling out of a stool or vomiting in a plant. You have to reach an extreme level of douchebaggery to receive a lifetime ban. With 81 unassisted 86ing’s on my stat sheet I would like to share my expertise on the subject so that you can avoid ever being banned from a bar for life.

First of all never swing first. What that means is if you don’t instigate a fight a fight usually won’t find you. I have found that people who get into bar fights go out looking for them. There are guys out there who believe that fighting is a way to solve simple bar disagreements. They suck down countless vodka red bulls and then have two options; have a heart attack or start a fight. I prefer they choose the first option but they never seem to.

Fights are bad for business and are a serious buzzkill. People get hurt; girls start screaming and most of the time the cops show up. Pain, female screaming and the police aren’t exactly my idea of a party. If they are yours you won’t last long at my bar. Starting a fight is an automatic 86ing and if you happen to hit my door guy he is likely to break your fucking legs so that you have to crawl to whatever bar you plan on starting shit at next.

In some cases where fights are involved the instigator isn’t the only one to be 86ed. If you get in the way or ignore our attempts at breaking up a fight you will be 86ed. If you escalate the fight to a higher level of violence, like say cracking a pool cue over a guy’s head, not only will you be 86ed, you will also be billed for a new pool cue.

In order to be welcomed back to a bar you must respect that bar and its policies. The most important policy a bar must uphold is to not sell alcohol to minors. If a bar or one of its employees get caught doing so they can be fined, lose their liquor license or can even be arrested.  That’s why if you come into my bar with a minor and try to sneak them drinks you will be 86ed.

I work with an elite staff that take their jobs very seriously and are damn good at them. No matter how sneaky you think you are being we will always catch you. We are smart enough to know that those two shots you claimed are “both for me bro” aren’t, and as soon as you walk away you are on immediate watch. At that point it is only a matter of time before we bounce both you and the sixteen year-old girl you passed that second shot off to. If you want to get a minor wasted do it at home like a normal parent or older brother or statutory rapist.

In addition to respecting bar policies it is important to treat the bar staff with that same level of respect. We are here to help you have a good time so don’t fuck with us. Bar employees have to put up with a lot of shit but crossing certain lines will absolutely get you 86ed. The second you throw a shot glass or a handful of fruit at me you will be 86ed. If you decide to talk shit about me or one of my fellow bar employees or even the bar at which I work you will be 86ed. If you threaten to break a bar stool over my head because I cut you off you will be 86ed.

Sexually harassing bar employees is the easiest way to get yourself banned from a bar for life. Whether it’s a hungry pack of Human Female Hyenas molesting a defenseless bar back or a group of frat boys hounding an innocent hostess any unwanted and aggressive come on that crosses the line will get you 86ed. That means no touching us, ever. This rule mainly applies to female employees. The second your hand grabs the ass or breast of a female employee you will be lucky to leave with that limb still attached to your body.

There doesn’t necessarily need to be a specific reason for 86ing someone. Over time the accumulation of minor infractions can add up to getting a repeat offender of bar policy 86ed for no reason at all. If you are repeatedly rude, disrespectful, don’t tip, and are hated by regulars and employees then you will be banned from every decent bar you ever frequent. It eventually gets to the point where it is so evident what a dickbag a certain individual is that I may 86 them simply for saying hello.

People who get 86ed always seem to try to come back. Not just once, but multiple times. No matter how many times you try to explain to someone they are 86ed they never seem to grasp that it is for life. There is no getting un-86ed once the final verdict has been handed down. All appeals will fall on deaf ears. Making excuses or apologizing or begging is not going to undo what ever asinine act got you 86ed in the first place. My advice to anyone I’ve ever 86ed is to save your time and your breath and find some other bar to act like an asshole at.

Howl of the Hyenas

June 9, 2012

Hyenas are canine-like animals that hunt in packs and are known as skilled hunters and opportunistic scavengers. They are widely considered to be vile creatures that feed on babies and will attack whatever weak prey they can find. Just recently I have discovered that the hyena species has evolved into a new form, a human one.

Anyone who has ever been down to Carlsbad is familiar with the term cougar. It is used for a woman over thirty-five who is interested in dating men who are at least seven years younger than them. There is nothing wrong with that, but young men beware. That older woman who just bought you a jager bomb and is now fondling your junk might not be the friendly cougar you pegged her for. Be wary, because she might a Human Female Hyena and the rest of her pack could be circling you from the shadows.

Much like their animal counterpart Human Female Hyenas are always on the lookout for an opportunity to scavenge a kill. By last call at a lot of bars scattered all across the country if a Human Female Hyena has yet to make a kill their desperation to receive some younger dick reaches a frightening level. They prowl the bar looking for the easiest prey. The drunker and lonelier looking the guy the higher the chance that they will be attacked.

From a distance or in a dimly lit establishment a lot of Human Female Hyenas look fairly attractive. It is likely that in their younger days before pregnancy, divorce, alcohol and random dick turned them into raging bitches that they were at least somewhat sexy. This is why so many young, drunk and horny men are easily lured back to the den of the Human Female Hyena, a vicious skankdom littered with cobwebs, KY and broken promises. Once the dim light of the bar goes out and the allure of the alcohol wears off the Human Female Hyenas true form is revealed. As the morning light seeps into the den most victims upon seeing what lies next to them flee as quickly as possible.

In the wild Hyenas are prone to cannibalistic tendencies and in some instances have been known to eat other Hyenas young. Human Female Hyenas aren’t quite that extreme but they will turn on the pack if they believe it will help them make a kill. I have witnessed two Human Female Hyenas square off in an attempt to seduce a male target. It normally will begin with a who can be the sluttiest dancer contest. If the potential victim buys these Human Female Hyenas enough shots the duel usually escalates to hand jobs in the men’s room. The end result is a Human Female Hyena fight that can only be broken up by the most elite of door guys. According to someone much younger than me videos of these Human Female Hyena fights are all the rage on YouTube.

In some scenarios Human Female Hyenas are married but do not allow their wedding vows to get in the way of prowling the town for some strange. Be aware that married Human Female Hyenas are the most aggressive and putrid version of their species. As they enter a room it becomes filled with the stench of untreated vaginal diseases and vodka red bulls. The jukebox is usually their first stop where they pump the machine full of songs their kids listen to and then scream as each new song begins to play. Dancing ensues and if no young men approach them they begin to grind on whatever random guy is in their near vicinity.

I have been observing a particular pack of married Human Female Hyenas and have been disturbed with my findings. They seem to be a more desperate version of their species making them all the more dangerous. I have witnessed one in an attempt at seduction tell one of my fellow researchers that she wanted to take him to the alleyway out back and “lick his face.” Clearly this Human Female Hyena was so removed from society that she had forgotten what would even pass for a proper come on.

Several nights later while observing the same Human Female Hyenas I was approached by what looked like the leader of the pack. She fell on her way in and blamed her shoes. Based on the state of the pack it was clear this was not the first bar they’d skanked with their presence that evening. The leader, who is usually the best looking but is always the craziest bitch of the bunch ordered an ice water in an attempt to maintain her sobriety long enough to complete a kill. As she drank it she watched the rest of her pack who had found a group of nerds they could easily prey upon.

“Look at those sluts. All those bitches over there are married,” she said as she stared at me. “Isn’t that disgusting?”

I nodded and looked at the pack. Two of them were already making out with guys. I looked back at the leader. She was staring at me. I tried to avoid eye contact as best as I could. I noticed she was wearing a wedding ring. She put her water down and took my hand into hers. She began to caress it.

“You hate my husband.”

She was staring intently into my eyes as she said this.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“I said, you hate my husband.”

“Mam, I don’t believe I know your husband.”

She leaned in closer to me.

“I hate my husband more than you do.”

I pulled back feeling a trap being set. She continued to stare at me when suddenly the song on the jukebox changed. She screamed and ran over to her pack to go grind a helpless nerd. I was able to slip away into the shadows unharmed.

I was one of the lucky ones, but I fear that I am in the minority. This cross breed of hyenas and women are a cunning bunch and are not to be taken lightly. Beware of packs of half attractive older woman rubbing up on any young man available because if you’re not careful you might end up back in the den without protection, and a Human Female Hyena may just fuck you for life.


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