Posts Tagged ‘human’

SAWC

October 6, 2012

I am going to release my own reality television network. I figure why let rednecks, gypsy whores and spoiled rich white women be the only ones to capitalize on producing terrible television that by the minute lowers our nation’s combined IQ. It doesn’t take much to entertain the general American Public, that has been made painfully clear by networks like Bravo and MTV that have pretty much junked any intelligent programming in favor of shows that glorify some of human beings worst qualities.

It is not surprising that in a nation filled with people who are fascinated with accidents, that these same people would be completely engrossed with television shows that make them feel better about their lives no matter how shitty they are. If you are feeling down then flip on the television and I bet you will find five different people who are doing worse, and not only that, they are proud of it.

I first thought that Americans being obsessed with reality television was just a ridiculous fad but upon further thought it looks like I gave my fellow countrymen a little too much credit. My notion that people would realize that watching shows about sixteen year old girls who are too stupid to realize that they are fucked for life only makes them being pregnant look better to the people who watch them. Why glorify ignorance? That will only lead more people down a path of lifelong ignorance a future our country seems obsessed with reaching.

At first I was greatly discouraged by this discovery and went into a dark state of depression that included binge drinking and a David Duchovny marathon. This depressive state went on for three weeks until I had a moment of clarity on the subject. If America wants television programming that glorifies the worst attributes of our species than that is exactly what they deserve to get and if it can make me a millionaire so rich that I never have to interact with the people who watch reality television that would be even better.

That is why I am releasing SAWC (stupid Americans watch crap) my new television network that will be available on all local cable providers as well as on DIRECTV and DISH network tomorrow. SAWC will be dedicated to broadcasting the most mind numbing and IQ lowering reality television out there. Now I know that is a tall order with awesome shows like My Gypsy Wedding and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but I have a crack staff of crackheads working around the clock and the pipe to come up with innovative ways to capture the short spanned attention of Americans.

In doing so we have come up with some exciting shows that we think will have Americans losing their jobs because they just simply can’t turn off SAWC. Tomorrow night we will premier Human Female Hyena Hunters an hour long look into middle aged skanks who troll late night bars in search of dick prey. Watch as they feast on innocent young men too drunk and horny to realize that they are being lured into the den of a pack of Human Female Hyenas. Once there few make it out without an STD and always leave with a scarred perspective of all women over forty.

Monday nights will be highlighted by The For Real Housewives of South Central. We went out and found wives of real life gangsters and followed them around to find out what makes these powerful women tick. It is a fascinating look into the world of banging frames and bitch smacking that you will never want to miss.

Tuesday nights will be Real Life Celebrity Surprise where our crew personally kidnaps real life celebrities and drops them into life threatening scenarios. Season one features Jay Leno waking up to find himself tied to a post in the middle of a burning building with a knife in his right hand shirt pocket and thirty minutes to get out of it. Also featured is Sarah Palin on a plane whose pilot evacuates as soon as the plane reaches its proper flying height. Watch in hilarity as the former vice presidential candidate scrambles around in a frantic attempt to save her life. I will admit these shows sound extreme but I assure you that none of the celebrities featured die, except Christian Bale.

Inspired by UFC and my great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) I am proud to say that Wednesday nights on SAWC will feature the Marine Life Fighting Hour. Aquatic creatures of all species and weight class will be locked in an underground octagon and forced to fight each other for various belts as well as the coveted MFLH fighter of the week award. Episode one kicks off with a gator versus a bull shark, a dolphin versus a squid and the heavyweight championship bout, a great white shark versus a killer whale. Any true fight fan will not want to miss Marine Life Fighting Hour.

Homeless Person Survivor will debut Thursday night. Watch as we take old rich white people and place them on an abandoned city block in Detroit in the middle of winter with nothing but a pair of torn khaki’s and torn sweater, a forty ounce of Olde English in a brown paper bag and half a pack of wet matches. We instruct all homeless shelters to deny the contestants entry in an effort to ensure the integrity of the show. Our cameras follow these people as they struggle to find food, water and a warm enough place to stay to survive the frigid night. Whoever lives the longest gets to defend their title in Season 2’s Homeless Person Survivor New York City.

We here at SAWC recognize that not everyone has the ability to compete due to being mentally disabled or physically challenged in some way. In an effort to give people like that a chance at competition and glory every Friday night we will show the Incestual Olympics. These games will be modeled after the Special Olympics and each week we will travel to a different southern town and recruit those poor souls left without normal human functions due to the fact that their mother is their father’s sister.

Last but not least we will release my favorite show on the SAWC network, 60 and Pregnant. Watch as these grannies not only get impregnated by random guys but follow them through the dangerous birth process all the way to them trying to make it as a senior citizen single mother. Hearts and hips will be broken as 60 and Pregnant guarantees to make you scream, vomit and cry.

SAWC looks forward to satisfying every Americans desire to rot their brains with mind numbingly awful television shows that showcase and glorify all that is wrong with society. I am proud to say that I hope my contribution to the dumbing down of our nation will make me filthy stinking rich so I may live in a house in the mountains safe from the moronic discussions that reality television inspires. I hope you all enjoy SAWC and it’s wonderful reality television programming and always remember if watching people destroy their lives doesn’t entertain you, then you sir or madam are not American.

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Howl of the Hyenas

June 9, 2012

Hyenas are canine-like animals that hunt in packs and are known as skilled hunters and opportunistic scavengers. They are widely considered to be vile creatures that feed on babies and will attack whatever weak prey they can find. Just recently I have discovered that the hyena species has evolved into a new form, a human one.

Anyone who has ever been down to Carlsbad is familiar with the term cougar. It is used for a woman over thirty-five who is interested in dating men who are at least seven years younger than them. There is nothing wrong with that, but young men beware. That older woman who just bought you a jager bomb and is now fondling your junk might not be the friendly cougar you pegged her for. Be wary, because she might a Human Female Hyena and the rest of her pack could be circling you from the shadows.

Much like their animal counterpart Human Female Hyenas are always on the lookout for an opportunity to scavenge a kill. By last call at a lot of bars scattered all across the country if a Human Female Hyena has yet to make a kill their desperation to receive some younger dick reaches a frightening level. They prowl the bar looking for the easiest prey. The drunker and lonelier looking the guy the higher the chance that they will be attacked.

From a distance or in a dimly lit establishment a lot of Human Female Hyenas look fairly attractive. It is likely that in their younger days before pregnancy, divorce, alcohol and random dick turned them into raging bitches that they were at least somewhat sexy. This is why so many young, drunk and horny men are easily lured back to the den of the Human Female Hyena, a vicious skankdom littered with cobwebs, KY and broken promises. Once the dim light of the bar goes out and the allure of the alcohol wears off the Human Female Hyenas true form is revealed. As the morning light seeps into the den most victims upon seeing what lies next to them flee as quickly as possible.

In the wild Hyenas are prone to cannibalistic tendencies and in some instances have been known to eat other Hyenas young. Human Female Hyenas aren’t quite that extreme but they will turn on the pack if they believe it will help them make a kill. I have witnessed two Human Female Hyenas square off in an attempt to seduce a male target. It normally will begin with a who can be the sluttiest dancer contest. If the potential victim buys these Human Female Hyenas enough shots the duel usually escalates to hand jobs in the men’s room. The end result is a Human Female Hyena fight that can only be broken up by the most elite of door guys. According to someone much younger than me videos of these Human Female Hyena fights are all the rage on YouTube.

In some scenarios Human Female Hyenas are married but do not allow their wedding vows to get in the way of prowling the town for some strange. Be aware that married Human Female Hyenas are the most aggressive and putrid version of their species. As they enter a room it becomes filled with the stench of untreated vaginal diseases and vodka red bulls. The jukebox is usually their first stop where they pump the machine full of songs their kids listen to and then scream as each new song begins to play. Dancing ensues and if no young men approach them they begin to grind on whatever random guy is in their near vicinity.

I have been observing a particular pack of married Human Female Hyenas and have been disturbed with my findings. They seem to be a more desperate version of their species making them all the more dangerous. I have witnessed one in an attempt at seduction tell one of my fellow researchers that she wanted to take him to the alleyway out back and “lick his face.” Clearly this Human Female Hyena was so removed from society that she had forgotten what would even pass for a proper come on.

Several nights later while observing the same Human Female Hyenas I was approached by what looked like the leader of the pack. She fell on her way in and blamed her shoes. Based on the state of the pack it was clear this was not the first bar they’d skanked with their presence that evening. The leader, who is usually the best looking but is always the craziest bitch of the bunch ordered an ice water in an attempt to maintain her sobriety long enough to complete a kill. As she drank it she watched the rest of her pack who had found a group of nerds they could easily prey upon.

“Look at those sluts. All those bitches over there are married,” she said as she stared at me. “Isn’t that disgusting?”

I nodded and looked at the pack. Two of them were already making out with guys. I looked back at the leader. She was staring at me. I tried to avoid eye contact as best as I could. I noticed she was wearing a wedding ring. She put her water down and took my hand into hers. She began to caress it.

“You hate my husband.”

She was staring intently into my eyes as she said this.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“I said, you hate my husband.”

“Mam, I don’t believe I know your husband.”

She leaned in closer to me.

“I hate my husband more than you do.”

I pulled back feeling a trap being set. She continued to stare at me when suddenly the song on the jukebox changed. She screamed and ran over to her pack to go grind a helpless nerd. I was able to slip away into the shadows unharmed.

I was one of the lucky ones, but I fear that I am in the minority. This cross breed of hyenas and women are a cunning bunch and are not to be taken lightly. Beware of packs of half attractive older woman rubbing up on any young man available because if you’re not careful you might end up back in the den without protection, and a Human Female Hyena may just fuck you for life.


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