Posts Tagged ‘junk’

Howl of the Hyenas

June 9, 2012

Hyenas are canine-like animals that hunt in packs and are known as skilled hunters and opportunistic scavengers. They are widely considered to be vile creatures that feed on babies and will attack whatever weak prey they can find. Just recently I have discovered that the hyena species has evolved into a new form, a human one.

Anyone who has ever been down to Carlsbad is familiar with the term cougar. It is used for a woman over thirty-five who is interested in dating men who are at least seven years younger than them. There is nothing wrong with that, but young men beware. That older woman who just bought you a jager bomb and is now fondling your junk might not be the friendly cougar you pegged her for. Be wary, because she might a Human Female Hyena and the rest of her pack could be circling you from the shadows.

Much like their animal counterpart Human Female Hyenas are always on the lookout for an opportunity to scavenge a kill. By last call at a lot of bars scattered all across the country if a Human Female Hyena has yet to make a kill their desperation to receive some younger dick reaches a frightening level. They prowl the bar looking for the easiest prey. The drunker and lonelier looking the guy the higher the chance that they will be attacked.

From a distance or in a dimly lit establishment a lot of Human Female Hyenas look fairly attractive. It is likely that in their younger days before pregnancy, divorce, alcohol and random dick turned them into raging bitches that they were at least somewhat sexy. This is why so many young, drunk and horny men are easily lured back to the den of the Human Female Hyena, a vicious skankdom littered with cobwebs, KY and broken promises. Once the dim light of the bar goes out and the allure of the alcohol wears off the Human Female Hyenas true form is revealed. As the morning light seeps into the den most victims upon seeing what lies next to them flee as quickly as possible.

In the wild Hyenas are prone to cannibalistic tendencies and in some instances have been known to eat other Hyenas young. Human Female Hyenas aren’t quite that extreme but they will turn on the pack if they believe it will help them make a kill. I have witnessed two Human Female Hyenas square off in an attempt to seduce a male target. It normally will begin with a who can be the sluttiest dancer contest. If the potential victim buys these Human Female Hyenas enough shots the duel usually escalates to hand jobs in the men’s room. The end result is a Human Female Hyena fight that can only be broken up by the most elite of door guys. According to someone much younger than me videos of these Human Female Hyena fights are all the rage on YouTube.

In some scenarios Human Female Hyenas are married but do not allow their wedding vows to get in the way of prowling the town for some strange. Be aware that married Human Female Hyenas are the most aggressive and putrid version of their species. As they enter a room it becomes filled with the stench of untreated vaginal diseases and vodka red bulls. The jukebox is usually their first stop where they pump the machine full of songs their kids listen to and then scream as each new song begins to play. Dancing ensues and if no young men approach them they begin to grind on whatever random guy is in their near vicinity.

I have been observing a particular pack of married Human Female Hyenas and have been disturbed with my findings. They seem to be a more desperate version of their species making them all the more dangerous. I have witnessed one in an attempt at seduction tell one of my fellow researchers that she wanted to take him to the alleyway out back and “lick his face.” Clearly this Human Female Hyena was so removed from society that she had forgotten what would even pass for a proper come on.

Several nights later while observing the same Human Female Hyenas I was approached by what looked like the leader of the pack. She fell on her way in and blamed her shoes. Based on the state of the pack it was clear this was not the first bar they’d skanked with their presence that evening. The leader, who is usually the best looking but is always the craziest bitch of the bunch ordered an ice water in an attempt to maintain her sobriety long enough to complete a kill. As she drank it she watched the rest of her pack who had found a group of nerds they could easily prey upon.

“Look at those sluts. All those bitches over there are married,” she said as she stared at me. “Isn’t that disgusting?”

I nodded and looked at the pack. Two of them were already making out with guys. I looked back at the leader. She was staring at me. I tried to avoid eye contact as best as I could. I noticed she was wearing a wedding ring. She put her water down and took my hand into hers. She began to caress it.

“You hate my husband.”

She was staring intently into my eyes as she said this.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“I said, you hate my husband.”

“Mam, I don’t believe I know your husband.”

She leaned in closer to me.

“I hate my husband more than you do.”

I pulled back feeling a trap being set. She continued to stare at me when suddenly the song on the jukebox changed. She screamed and ran over to her pack to go grind a helpless nerd. I was able to slip away into the shadows unharmed.

I was one of the lucky ones, but I fear that I am in the minority. This cross breed of hyenas and women are a cunning bunch and are not to be taken lightly. Beware of packs of half attractive older woman rubbing up on any young man available because if you’re not careful you might end up back in the den without protection, and a Human Female Hyena may just fuck you for life.

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When Hipsters Attack!

March 31, 2012

Beware North County we are under attack. The invasion is underway. Hide your moustache wax, sweater vests, mustard colored skinny jeans and tall boys of PBR. The hipsters are coming. I recently traveled to the belly of the beast, North Park, aka Hipster Headquarters, to try to get a handle on this pretentious phenomenon before it is too late for us innocent folk to survive.

What I found was a community overrun with these hipsters. There are few normal humans left down there. The streets are littered with guys walking around with sunglasses in the rain with their hands tucked into gray sweater vests unaware that raindrops dangle from the curly ends of their well-manicured moustaches while their skinny jeans threaten to cut off all circulation in their lower body.

I believe these are all strategic wardrobe choices. They wear their shades at all hours of the day to hide the fact that they just cried because the coffee house was out of their favorite mocha tocha gelato vende cream drink. The curled moustache gives their hands something to do as they mindlessly talk about how cool they are. It seems obvious to me that hipsters are constantly cold even in the middle of August which explains why they always have on a sweater vest or scarf or wool hat. Lastly we have the skinny jeans. Honestly these made the least amount of sense to me at first. In my opinion the last thing I want to wear is a pair of pants that have to be painted on to me. Upon further thought it dawned on me that the reason these hipsters wear such constricting jeans is because it makes their junk look bigger. This must be because all the blood from their legs is forced up into their genital region as soon as the suffocating denim is applied and the result is that their balls swell to an alarming size.

Female hipsters may be more frightening. They dress exactly the same as the male hipsters so it can be hard to tell which is which. Often times one has to get within hearing distance of a hipster’s conversation to determine its gender. I followed one female hipster exclusively despite the direct detriment this act inflicted upon my brain. What I found is that she demanded constant attention and when people finally awarded her with it she had nothing important to say.

The one thing I found I had in common with hipsters was my love of alcohol. This made it easier to follow them as having a drink was necessary when coming in contact with them. They truly love their PBR, which is funny because North Park is full of great beer to choose from. Do the hipsters care? No. As long as their PBR’s are tall and cold they will have none of that other tasty stuff.

Now I know hipsters aren’t directly dangerous to our physical well-being. That’s not what I’m worried about. It is the mental state of us as a species that concerns me. I for one believe that a world filled with over-tattoed guys with one leg of their skinny jeans rolled up because they ride bicycles (I guess?) and arguing with other hipsters about what would be more retro “bro”, having an eyebrow or cock ring. To me it seems like if we let the hipsters take over we will be cursed to drink tall boys of PBR ourselves. I know these notions are disturbing but we must face our fear if we have any chance of preserving our sanity.

North County has already been infiltrated to some degree. Fortunately our hipsters are outnumbered so their influence over our lives is minimal. Beware I say though. They may scare now easily but if they return, and in greater numbers, we will have a full-fledged war on our hands. From now on let them know you don’t approve. Feel free to tell that dip shit who just walked into a bar at midnight with shades on that his future isn’t that bright. Or the next time you watch a guy take twenty minutes to put on his scarf and jacket in the middle of August let him know if he can spend that much time getting bundled up outside it isn’t that cold.

To any hipsters who happen to read this, don’t worry, it’s never too late. We can remove those shades from your head although it will take several weeks for your eyes to adjust back to natural light. We could just clip the curly corners off that skinny moustache of yours, but due to the large quantity of grease trapped between the hairs it is highly recommended to remove the entire thing. The sweater vest is simple, just take it off and donate it to a shelter so that someone who might actually have to stay warm for survival could use it. Taking off those skinny jeans is going to require the Jaws of Life but once you do your private parts will thank you.


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