Posts Tagged ‘Los Angeles’

Jon Domino

April 12, 2013

Southern California craft beer overlord, Stone, usually known for their employees’ humble attitude and the brew pub’s beautiful beer gardens has come under close public scrutiny after a couple of violent incidents took place on their property. Both incidents resulted in injuries, one of which was fatal.

The first incident took place at the brewery’s Stone Cider release. Two hipsters got into a heated argument about whose chest tattoo was better when a break dance fight broke out. Unfortunately for one of these heated hipsters, his skinny jeans were too tight and as he tried to twist his left knee the bone moved but the flesh did not, resulting in a gruesome compact fracture.

The second incident in question took place last Wednesday during Stone’s weekly California Condor Wing Night promotion. As usual the place was packed with ill tempered rich people since the delicious wings of this endangered species are on special every Wednesday for fifty-five and sixty-five dollars a wing.

On this particular California Condor Wing Night one customer was extremely upset that he couldn’t take his wings to go. The floor manager was forced to step in and did so with a blade in his hand. He then stabbed the unruly patron five times in the face in front of a full restaurant. The floor manager, who has since been fired, had to be restrained from stabbing other random customers who  he screamed had crossed him on past California Condor wing nights.

Under great public criticism and amidst a press nightmare Stone announced that for the first time ever they were going to hire a head of security whose sole job it would be to maintain the safety of both Stone employees and their customers. The search began and for a moment it seemed like the general drunken public’s outrage and verbal abuse had ceased.

The search ended with the highly controversial announcement that former mafia enforcer and known felon, Jon Domino, was being hired for the head of security position. Public outrage ensued yet again. People questioned why Stone, which boasts to be a family friendly establishment, would bring in a man notorious for being extremely violent to ensure their customer and staff’s safety.

Jon Domino was born in 1976 in Patterson, NJ to Shaun and Shauna Domino. Shaun Domino was a low rent thug who ripped off Kwik-E-Marts and toy stores and Shauna was a common street walker. Jon Domino’s first assault charge was filed against him when he was fourteen by Shaun Domino. Allegedly the son broke the father’s pinkie over a controversial call while playing the family’s favorite sport, dominoes.

Jon Domino dropped out of high school in 1993 to pursue a highly promising career in the mafia. Domino started out as a runner for the Pacino family but quickly advanced up through the ranks. With a heavy drinking problem and a relentless violent streak Domino made his way up to the esteemed position of enforcer for the Pacino family.

Domino was a sort of loose cannon, often breaking people’s legs for little or no reason. Don Don Pacino looked the other way due to Domino’s great performance as an enforcer. Despite several trips to jail a year Domino still dominated the mafia world in stats. For an eight year period between the years 1998-2006 Domino led all enforcers with the most legs broken, most bitches smacked and, by a large margin, most conjugal visits.

In 2008 Domino was forced to leave the Pacino family due to the fact that he had sex with two of Don Don Pacino’s wives and three of his mistresses. When the family turned on him Domino fled out to the West Coast settling in Los Angeles where he worked as a rotating random criminal character on various versions of Law and Order.

Now hired as the head of security at one of the most powerful breweries in the world Jon Domino took questions from the media in the middle of the breweries beautiful garden.

Jon Domino approaches the podium dressed in a black vest that says Officer Domino on the right breast and Stone Head of Security on the left breast. He is visibly armed with several firearms, a crossbow, a machete and several cans of pepper spray.

“What’s your motto for life?” asks reporter one.

“I’ve never met a pair of fucking legs I couldn’t break,”  answers Jon Domino.

“What are your thoughts on Stone’s no smoking policy?” asks reporter two.

Domino pulls a camel light from the front pocket of his vest and lights it.

“I love it and I look forward to enforcing that policy with extreme fucking prejudice,” answers Domino.

“What do you think of the beautiful grounds here at Stone?” asks reporter three as he puts his cell phone in Domino’s face to record the response.

“The grounds are beautiful and there are plenty of them. I see a lot of good spots to dispose of my enemies,” answers Domino.

Domino notices the cell phone is recording him.

“You god damn swine are you recording this?” yells Domino.

He rips the cell phone out of reporter three’s hand and smashes it under his foot.

“Hey, Jon Domino says go fuck yourself, this cock sucking press conference is over,” yells Domino as he storms off.

Three weeks into Jon Domino’s tenure as the head of security at Stone and there hasn’t been one incident. What that says to this reporter is while Jon Domino might be offensive and extremely dangerous he gets the job done. Maybe all restaurants/ breweries/bars should follow Stone’s successful lead and add a little Domino to their business plan.

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The Bad Bartender Chronicles IV

August 4, 2012

There is a disturbing new breed of so-called bartenders that was first discovered in North Park and parts of Los Angeles but now seem to be plaguing once respectable bars everywhere. They call themselves mixologists because they claim to make a superior cocktail that requires mixing a bunch of random shit together to make fifteen dollar drinks that take forty five minutes to serve. Some would call these mixologists skilled craftsmen while others might refer to them as flaming douchebags. I would fall in line with the latter as a bartender who doesn’t have such a vast knowledge of the four hundred different uses of the juniper berry.

I like to call these masters of the mojito Cosmetic Bartenders because they always look good but when you peer beyond their physical makeup you will find a gross lack of efficiency. Cosmetic Bartenders dress in tuxedo gear without the jackets. Rolled sleeves expose any barbed wire tattoos they might have gotten when they were nineteen. Their hair and adjustable mustaches will be overly greased with ozone depleting hair gel.

What’s strange is that dive bars seem to be a large part of the Cosmetic Bartender plague. The only place for a tuxedo behind a bar is a wedding or four star dining. There is something extremely wrong if you are wearing a tuxedo as you work behind a bar that still reeks of whatever liquor was spilled the night before. That’s like having a restroom attendant hand out mints in a bathroom covered in vomit.

At the end of the day as long as I get my drink poured strong and in a timely fashion I don’t give a shit what the person serving it is wearing. Unfortunately, most of the stuff these Cosmetic Bartenders specialize in takes twenty minutes to prepare. This is for two reasons. The first is there are many ingredients that all seem to require a special process. All their recipes require stuff that needs to be muddled or needs flavor strands extracted from them. They also shave their own ice which is a complete waste of time if you work somewhere lucky enough to have an ice scoop and an ice machine.

The second reason it takes so long to get a drink from a Cosmetic Bartender is because they do not possess any sense of urgency behind the bar. They are too busy concocting new ways to make whiskey not taste like whiskey to hustle like most hard working bartenders. To a Cosmetic Bartender looking good and making a colorful drink takes precedent over providing speedy and efficient customer service.

I once overheard a Cosmetic Bartender brag about how he could make a mojito in just twelve minutes. That’s right, one drink takes twelve minutes and they consider that fast. I can make twenty four drinks in twelve minutes and my well crafted mai tai will take fifteen seconds and taste just as refreshing as any drink that requires the blood of a virgin to make. I like serving lots of people quickly and competently rather than wasting my time trying to re-invent the art of pouring liquor.

Perhaps the only people who hate Cosmetic Bartenders more than me are their bar backs. Imagine that every drink made at a busy bar requires a shaker, spoons, knives, muddlers, three types of glasses, a blender and a jigger. Guess who gets to clean all that? It’s the bar backs. So while these well dressed monkeys mix their twenty minute drinks as casually as one would walk along the beach, their poor bar backs are trying to keep a bar stocked where employees use more glasses than customers do.

Bar owners deserve some of the blame of this return to those glorious days of speakeasies and gentlemen bartenders. If you encourage your bartenders to take as much time as possible to mix a twelve dollar drink then you deserve to go out of business. Any good bar operates on the idea that the more drinks you sell the more money you make. When it takes a combined half hour to get two measly drinks then people begin to grow bored with the fancy appeal that these specialty concoctions offer.

There is a large customer demand amongst females for Cosmetic Bartenders which is another influencing factor in this annoying phenomenon.  I believe this is a cry for attention by the fairer sex. Where else is a man going to spend twenty minutes catering to a woman’s every desire by crafting something specifically for them while all they have to do is sit and watch?

Anyone willing to wait the twenty minutes it takes to make an allegedly perfect cocktail absolutely has my support as long as you realize that Cosmetic Bartending doesn’t exist at every bar in the country. What that means is don’t walk into an English pub and order a single plum floating in perfume served in a man’s hat and not expect to be met with laughter and possible ridicule.

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CP3 Catastrophe

December 9, 2011

Late last night David Stern the commissioner of the NBA vetoed a three-way trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Los Angeles Lakers. In my thirty one years of following sports the only other trade I ever saw vetoed was in my fantasy football league this year. To get Paul the Lakers were set to give up a four time all star in Pau Gasol and the reigning sixth man of the year in Lamar Odom. In addition to Odom New Orleans would receive three strong players from the Houston Rockets as well as a draft pick. Gasol would then end up in Houston. Shortly after the trade was accepted David Stern vetoed it. New Orleans now has two options left. They could try to work out another trade for Paul, but will be hard pressed to find a deal that compensates them as much as this one did. They can do nothing and Paul will play this year with them and then leave in the off-season as a free agent. In that scenario the Hornets would receive nothing. The league, which currently owns the Hornets, will say they had the Hornets best interest in mind. Based on those options I would disagree with that notion. The real reason Stern vetoed this trade is because the 29 other owners in the league, namely Dan Gilbert, forced him to. Gilbert, who is owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, wrote a very angry email to Commissioner Stern demanding something be done. Gilbert is also the putz who couldn’t keep Lebron James in his hometown and then proceeded to whine about his leaving like a bitter ex-girlfriend who James barely dated. Gilbert refers to the trade as a “travesty” and ended his email by saying, “When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals.” The Generals are most famous for being the chumps the Harlem Globetrotters always beat. If that’s what Gilbert thinks of his team every Cleveland Cavalier season ticket holder, if there are any, should give up their seats and receive a full refund. Gilbert is a moron of the most dangerous kind, a rich one. The scary part is Gilbert did not act alone. For this trade to be vetoed by Stern the majority of the league’s owners must have felt the same way Gilbert did. That is a lot of moronic millionaires in the same room. In reality, outside the idiotic world view of million dollar babies, the team this trade made the most sense to was the Hornets. They were set to receive four quality players plus a draft pick as opposed to nothing. The Rockets dished out three good players and a draft pick and all they were getting was Pau Gasol. The Lakers lost two staples of a team that won a championship just two seasons ago. Sure, Paul is a magnificent player but to lose two front line players like Gasol and Odom would have weakened them. Dan Gilbert believed that the Lakers were then going to land Dwight Howard because they still had other assets they could deal to Orlando. The fact that the Lakers were going to try that was true, but there was no guarantee Howard would become a Laker. It was a risky move for the Lakers to lose so much size when Howard was never a sure thing. Gilbert doesn’t get that though. To him Paul going to L.A. is like Lebron going to Miami. He thinks players should be forced to play where they are told like good little employees. For him the league is a chessboard for crybaby millionaires too weak to build a fine franchise like the Los Angeles Lakers. I hope Chris Paul has an MVP year and then goes and gets paid by the highest bidder of his choice. I guarantee that won’t be Cleveland. Dan Gilbert is way too busy flipping through old photo books of him and Lebron to care about improving his team.


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