Posts Tagged ‘LOVE LIFE’

Thanks Given

November 24, 2012

Ever since I was a young boy Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Hanging out with the people you love the most plus turkey plus football equals the greatest day of the year. Now as a grownup I appreciate it even more as I realize that there are many people and places and things that I am very thankful for. When I was younger I used to think it was stupid when my mother would make everyone at the table take a moment to talk about what they were thankful for, but nowadays I think that is an important part of my favorite holiday so I figured why not share mine with you, the general drunken public.

First and foremost I am thankful for my family, friends and beautiful fiancé. Without these loved ones I would not be the man that I am today. I am thankful to work at Churchill’s Pub and Grille the greatest craft food/beer pub with the best staff in the entire world. While our competitors choose to serve suspect mac and cheese or promote club night with DJ Glowstick or offer drink specials where when you buy a pint you get a $2 shot of 151 and a free match we at Churchill’s do what we have always done, offer great service and freshly prepared food served alongside delicious beer.

I am thankful to Stone Brewery who honored me with the right of being the first person to break the news of their special San Diego Beer Week beer release. Sales on Stone Lite, Stone Hef and Stone Original have been through the roof but the top seller has been Stone Bro of which they have sold so much they are running out of donkey piss to fill the bottles with.

I am thankful to Human Female Hyenas who prowl the night with a hint of flavored vodka and semen on their breath. Without these pack hunting skanks men in bars all across the country would be lost at last call left only with the option of going home alone and whacking off to internet porn. A word of advice to all you lonesome losers getting laid by women older than your mother wrap that shit up B.

I am thankful for hipsters. Without them homeless people would have no one dressed the same as them. I love to watch a group of hipsters sip on poor man’s PBR while wearing two hundred dollar cardigans as they bitch over the infection their cock ring gave them.

I am thankful to reality television for keeping backwoods rednecks, teenage whores and rich white housewives current in our modern society. Without it how else would any of those people make a living that didn’t involve ditch digging, dick sucking or spending other people’s money.

I am thankful to Tim Tebow for being the most talked about backup quarterback/punt protector in the history of football. Without him ESPN would go out of business. I am also very thankful for Robert Griffin III for being the best player in the league, being highly attractive but mainly because he is not Tim Tebow.

I am thankful to bad parents especially when they display their bad parenting in public. While their misbehaving kids are obnoxious and the parents disinterested they act as one of the strongest forms of birth control on the market, and it’s free. I believe high school kids should be trapped in a room with bad parents as a way to deter teen pregnancy which is rampant in this country. Bad parents also make those women who are in long term relationships and can’t wait to have a kid think twice about poking holes in their boyfriend’s condoms.

I am thankful to bad tippers, bros, whistlers and people who believe they know everything about the bar business because they bartended their frat’s homo erotic initiation all male mixer one night. While at times these schmucks make my life a living hell they also put my job into perspective. For every coked up whore who accuses me of not pouring any vodka in her eighteenth vodka red bull there is a regular who is friendly, polite, funny and tips well. Without the customers who make me tell them to go fuck themselves I might fail to appreciate the importance of all the regulars who make this world wonderful.

Lastly I would like to thank the twenty-two year old skank from last night who told me I was going to die of a heart attack because I wouldn’t serve her or her boyfriend who was dressed like Brandon Lee from The Crow. I guess I’m not thankful to her personally but more to the fact that a whore of her caliber will someday die a painful death from one of the many STD’s she has contracted from her years of trolling street corners and that fact brings a thankful smile to my face.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

Advertisements

GULPU VS. The Government II

August 11, 2012

The following is an open apology to you, the general drunken public. I was involved in an incident the other night which unfortunately resulted in the delay of the release of GULPU.com. For that I sincerely apologize. It all started last Wednesday when I was leaving one of my favorite watering holes. While walking through the parking lot I noticed some drunk fucktard wearing a Red Sox hat and a tank top swaying as he pissed on someone else’s car. I was shocked at first but natural instinct quickly took over and I did what any honest American would do when faced with such a situation. I charged the cocksucker.

Upon impact I was able to avoid any urine splashes as I drove this disrespectful scumbag to the ground. He screamed as he fell pissing all over himself on his way down. Before I had a chance to laugh my ass off I found myself surrounded by several very large men dressed in black suits all holding guns pointed at my face.

We stood like that for several minutes when suddenly two cop cars showed up. They began to put me in handcuffs before I could explain what was happening. They didn’t care. Apparently the little prick bastard was some government official’s spoiled son and the big ugly suits were his security detail. They told the cops that I assaulted the fucker and flashed their government ID’s signifying my trip to the big house.

At the station they took all my possessions. When they found my wallet they searched it and found my business card that reads: “Jonathan Avella, CEO, GuerillaDeSwine Productions, We put the ass in class!” Things turned serious when they found out who I was and I was quickly transported to a holding cell at the local CIA building.

They tortured and interrogated me for company secrets for hours and at times I was close to swallowing the suicide pill all GuerillaDeSwine Productions employees are required to carry between their lips. Thankfully I was able to fight off the urge to squeal while still maintaining my silence and sanity.

Just as I was ready to break and sacrifice my life for the good of the company the head of our legal department showed up with an army of lawyers. It wasn’t long before I was free and we were discussing possible out of court financial settlements for my bogus assault charges. When my lawyers made it clear that we planned on suing over my mistreatment those assault charges quickly were dropped.

Unfortunately the government’s lawlessness went unpunished yet again. Not only that, but they got what they wanted all along, which was time. With this time the government attempted to wipe out GULPU before it could be released. Using the address on the back of my business card the government was able to locate the secret headquarters of GuerillaDeSwine Productions. Once there they burnt everything. Every file, every condom and every candy bar or bag of chips in the secret vending machine.

Before you freak out know that what the government thought was GuerillaDeSwine Productions secret headquarters was nothing more than one of the many decoys we have scattered across the world. However, once a decoy is compromised all GuerillaDeSwine Productions projects are shut down for forty eight hours and our employees are escorted into underground bunkers for protection.

My incarceration coupled with GuerillaDeSwine Productions shut down of operations have delayed the release of GULPU.com. Instead of GULPU.com being live tomorrow, it will be fully functional this Tuesday, August the 14th.

What hasn’t been postponed is the GULPU.com release party which is coming up on Monday September, 3rd also known as Labor Day. I couldn’t think of a better way to help America celebrate the social and economic contributions of workers then by us getting stinking drunk and celebrating the workers right to freely critique the very customers who constantly criticize them.

We will be serving up craft BBQ created by Chef AG Warfield, who is prominently featured in the much anticipated soon to release cookbook, San Diego Craft Beer Cook Book. In addition to the food we will be pouring fresh beer from the world’s finest brewery, The Lost Abbey. There will be live music provided by world renowned ninja, DJ SAVEE as well as a special performance by Southern California’s best band the Paragraphs.

Be one of the first twenty people to write a GULPU review when the website launches this coming Tuesday, August 14th and win a GULPU.com VIP invitation to the release party. Winners will receive a commemorative GULPU.com tee-shirt available this one time only, first dibs in the BBQ line, and a special one on one acoustic session with a local heartthrob lead singer.

GULPU is all about the people’s right to write how working in the customer service industry makes them feel. If you like freedom of speech and expression then you have come to the right place. GULPU.com will be here Tuesday August, 14th. Let the review evolution begin!

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

Josh M., Las Vegas, NV. GULPU

July 28, 2012

For starters, as CEO of GuerillaDeSwine Productions I would like to personally thank you, the general drunken public, for an amazing turnout this past Sunday for the LOVE LIFE book release/signing party. We broke the record for most books sold at a pub in San Marcos, CA. ever. Special thanks are in order to Ivan Derezin for letting us host this tribute to local literature at the best craft beer pub in the world, Churchill’s Pub and Grille. Another special thanks are in order to the best band in all of San Diego, the Paragraphs for blessing us with one hell of an acoustic set. Big ups to Jesse Hofbauer, the head of the GuerillaDeSwine Productions music department for making such a special performance, happen.

The best part of the festivities was that it was all in the name of supporting local literature and celebrating National Buy A Book Day. Congratulations to Americans everywhere for returning their eyes to the written page. GuerillaDeSwine Productions has long been a proponent of people buying the wonderful books we sell and we encourage the country to continue to do so at a rapid pace.

The next GuerillaDeSwine Project on the horizon is the release of GULPU.com which we are proud to say is very close to being finished. Despite various attempts at government-sponsored sabotage GULPU.com is very real. So real in fact, I am pleased to publicly announce that it will be released Sunday, August 12th. Ever since we have introduced GULPU.com to you, the general drunken public, the offices at GuerillaDeSwine Productions have been overrun with letters and emails of various people’s reviews of customers or clients who have gone above and beyond to be flaming douchebags. Here is one of my favorites.

Josh M., Las Vegas, NV. GULPU

We originally started doing Tuesday wing night as an attempt to bring people into the restaurant mid week. Sure the wings were a wash at forty-nine cents a piece, but if every person who eats eight wings drinks one to two beers then the profits eventually add up. Most people do, which is why we still offer our mouth watering buffalo wings for so cheap. Unfortunately, our discounted delicious wings also attract people who should be 86ed from every restaurant they’ve ever step foot in.

They come dressed in tank tops, board shorts and flat brimmed baseball caps of teams they have never heard of. As they park mommy and daddy’s SUV in the handicap spot 10 little fucktards who have never bussed a table in their life slither out of the vehicle.

The hostess shudders when she sees them stumble through the door putting each other in headlocks as they do. They demand a table for ten and grow impatient when that’s not something we can accommodate due to the fact that every table in the restaurant is full.

Once their table is finally ready four to six more of them show up and just assume that they can add on extra chairs and tables as they see fit. When reminded that a restaurant isn’t their fucking  house they respond with an irrational succession of bro bombs best left to be ignored by an intelligent human being.

Instead of ordering a two dollar soda or a four dollar frosty beer of the week these kids sporting iced out watches, texting on their five hundred dollar phones and wearing designer sunglasses can’t seem to afford anything other than ice water. Not only that but each one of these ten people will require their waters to be refilled every five minutes.

It takes three of us to run their food. When we arrive at the table no one there seems to remember what it is they ordered leaving us standing around holding hot plates while these idiots discuss who got nine buffalo wings and who got eight barbecue wings.

After several minutes of playing wing sauce detective everyone has the food that they claimed they ordered. We ask if they are good and they respond with nods as they’ve already shoved their mouths full with wings as if it were their first meal since mommy and daddy dropped them off at college.

Midway through their meal and two of them claim we gave them the wrong wings. Of course this is after they have eaten half of them already. Inevitably they blame the server for messing up their order. I point out that five minutes ago not only did they not know what they ordered when they were asked if the plate in front of them was right they said yes.

We replace the wings, but honestly caving in to make these little shits happy makes me feel like keying “Hail To The Redskins” into the side of mommy and daddy’s SUV while they are busy rubbing their face in the giant stack of twenty wings which will only cost them ten dollars. Instead we nod and smile and check on them frequently throughout their meal as we do with every table.

Other then needing a refill on water and ranch they always say they are okay. We go through four to five gallons of ranch every Tuesday wing night and a large percentage of this ranch is going to this one table. They use so much ranch that you can no longer see the wing drowned in all that dressing. It’s to the point where we could charge people like this discounted ranch with a side of wings.

When the check comes they scoff at the amount and immediately demand that it be split. Splitting a check for ten people who can barely remember what the fuck they ate just five minutes before can be difficult and is always time consuming.

After finally figuring out who gets charged what there is always one or two of them who claim they are being charged for something they were never served. Again they blame the server even though when asked five to seven times if they were okay they never seemed to mention this mistake they were now so sure we had made.

Then these cheap little bastards have the nerve to leave my servers a penny because they were upset we wouldn’t let them order two hundred wings to go. The ones who can’t spare a penny leave nothing but a stack of gnawed wing bones and a pool of ranch dripping off the edge of their table. When these little schmucks die they will be waiting tables in hell and mommy and daddy won’t be there to ensure their hands steer clear of real work.

JOSH M., LAS VEGAS, NV. GULPU

If you like what you read above then we here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions suggest you sign up with your email here http://www.gulpu.com/

Our day is coming. August 12th experience review evolution, at GULPU.com.

P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT

National Buy A Book Day

July 21, 2012

The recent release of LOVE LIFE, my second novel, was a stunning failure. The sales of this tale about main character Hunter Jack and his struggle to find love in his life were more than half what we were expecting. With the timing so close to National Buy A Book day this coming Sunday, the 22nd of July and the fevered anticipation for my next book after my award winning first novel, FIRST LIGHT, we thought for sure that copies of LOVE LIFE would fly off the shelves of Amazon.com faster than a pair of Hyena’s panties at a high school keg party.

As the author of this book I am personally disappointed by the lack of support for local literature. Depression struck me like a fist and sent me down a dark path that nearly led me to dangerous decisions. I stayed glued to my computer closely tracking the sales of my book. After hour three when we had still only sold two books I couldn’t take anymore.

I left GuerillaDeSwine Headquarters and found a dark pub to drown my sorrows with some Buffalo Trace and frosty pints. By my third round my spirits had worsened. What had triggered this is that the twenty-two year old smoking hot bartender was late in refilling my glasses because she was caught up reading some book called Twilight. I wondered what that was. It wasn’t long before I became enraged with jealousy. I left the pub abruptly on a mission to find out what this book that so engaged the kind of people I would want to read my book and stalk me was all about.

Back at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I used our state of the art computer full with internet and Microsoft Word 98 and was able to figure out that this book wasn’t just popular amongst hot female bartenders, but with women of all ages. Apparently it is the story of a transvestite teenage vampire who likes to wear makeup and glitter that has sex with his neighbor’s dog and turns the poor puppy into a werewolf who also likes to wear glitter and makeup. The whole time the transvestite seduces whatever hot teenager, boy or girl that it comes in contact with.

At first I was outraged that such a stupid and superficial concept would be so popular while my well-crafted story rich with drama, comedy and plot twists toiled in anonymity. I was faced with only two options. Quit writing and return to my old job as a ditch digger, or I could become a successful writer the only way that seemed possible, by totally selling out. Just as I finished my letter of resignation to my bosses at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I sobered up from my earlier binge at the bar and it dawned on me that giving up wasn’t going to solve anything. It had been my lifelong dream to be a successful writer who rocked jewelry and smacked strippers in the face with dollar bills. If I had to sell out in order to achieve a lifestyle the likes of such literary lore then so be it.

From this revelation my next writing project was born. It was going to be called The White Knuckle of Justice. It was the story (spoiler alert) of a teenage George Washington, who long before having presidential aspirations was called upon for a much more important job as a licensed zombie hunter. While other kids his age slept with their cousins and wasted their time with arithmetic, teenage George Washington was out slaying the undead with a wooden stake he personally carved out of an apple tree. Before long Mallory, the head of the high school cheerleading squad, falls for the studly future president and their love for each other forms a bond not even a zombie can break. That is, until a zombie breaks this bond by killing Mallory and turning her into the undead. In a tear jerking conclusion George is forced to decide what is more important, killing zombies, or trying to save his undead ex.

When I submitted this manuscript idea to the powers that be at GuerillaDeSwine Productions they locked me in a dungeon where they fed me nothing but Bud Light and peanut shells while forcing me to watch Howard Stern on his new television show so I could truly understand the meaning of selling out. I emerged from this darkness a re-born author: one not concerned with monetary rewards but with the commitment to returning our nation’s eyes to literature.

This Sunday, July 22nd will be the first step towards doing that. National Buy A Book Day is a chance for Americans everywhere to put down their remotes or computer mice and go to their local book store or pub and support the written word. Anyone in the Southern California area is encouraged to celebrate at the LOVE LIFE book signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille in San Marcos, CA. at 4pm this Sunday. There will be food for you, the general drunken public to consume, and if it all gets eaten never fear for it is happy hour all day which means there are food and drink specials.

If this book signing doesn’t go well I may try my hand at writing screenplays for reality television. It seems to me like as long as your show is about backwood rednecks or snaggle toothed gypsies you have a recipe for success. Unfortunately in order to be able to write reality television shows you need surgery to remove the creative part of your brain, so once you cross that line there is no coming back. That is not the desired outcome, but without the support of you, the general drunken public this Sunday, it could turn out to be my unfortunate reality. Save me from selling out my literary soul by drinking and eating with me at the LOVE LIFE book signing/release party. Bring books, breasts and babies for me to sign and I will gladly oblige.

P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT

Every Night Amateur

July 14, 2012

The term amateur night is usually used to describe New Year’s Eve. It is the one night a year where everybody who never goes to the bar decides that New Year’s is the night to do so. Any veteran drinker knows to stay away from even their most regular of establishments on such a night to avoid being surrounded by virginal bar goers spewing curdled car bombs all over the bar as they blow furiously on squeaky noise makers.

I’m here to say that it’s not just on New Year’s Eve that you, the general drunken public, should be wary of amateurs. On a nightly and on some nights an hourly basis I witness people doing some really stupid shit that makes you wonder whether or not they are mentally challenged in some way. Unfortunately they usually aren’t. It is much more likely that they are every night amateurs.

Every night amateurs behave in a manner that suggests that they have never been to a bar before in their entire life. This is not true. These people have been to bars before and some of them on a semi-regular basis. Despite this they still don’t realize that there is a certain way you are supposed to act in a public setting where alcohol is being served.

For example don’t bang on the bar, ever. Never reach into my fruit caddy or you will feel the wrath of my iron clad bottle opener, also known as Excalibur, which has bruised the shit out of many a fruit stealing fingers. When you approach a bar always have your id and money ready so that a transaction that should only take thirty seconds doesn’t turn into a five minute ordeal. If you don’t want to be labeled an every night amateur then use common sense and realize that if a bartender overhears you telling the total stranger sitting next you that he is over tipping, you most likely will never get served at that bar again.

The latest every night amateur trend seems to be ordering a drink and then walking away. That way when I return with their drink they are nowhere to be found. Nothing is more frustrating to a bartender who is busy then to have to seek a customer out to serve them. I’m not sure of the logic behind walking away after placing an order. It’s not like it’s going to take me fifteen minutes to fill a glass with some ice and some vodka cranberry. I didn’t give you a number and tell you we would call you over the loudspeaker when your order was up so why in the hell would you ever walk away right after asking me to make you something that takes fifteen seconds?

Every night amateurs come in couples some times. You can spot them because they will be the unattractive pair sloppily making out while sitting at the bar with no regard for anyone who happens to be around them. Drunken public displays of affection are the worst kind. Not only are they sloppy but they are noisy so that every smack of lips, lick of tongues or gnashing of teeth can be heard by anyone within five stools of the nasty couple. Visible tongue twisting and neck slurping can cause many a stomachs to turn. The worst is when this already disgusting display of every night amateur foreplay leads to an under the jacket hand job. When this occurs it must be stopped immediately or else spilled beer and melted water won’t be the only substances staining your bar.

The older an every night amateur is the more difficult they are to deal with. They have been acting like jackasses in public for so long that they actually believe that their behavior is acceptable. This makes every action of an older every night amateur much more extreme. What that means is they will be louder, dumber and more offensive than possibly any person you have ever come across. That also means that when they start making out with whatever other ancient fossil they come across who happens to be just as horny as them that their drunken public display of affection will always end with either an 86ing or a bar sprayed down with elderly semen.

We as bar employees deserve some blame for the high number of older every night amateurs that are out there. If they have been acting in such a moronic way for so long that means somebody somewhere should have said something like, “Hey asshole how about you stop whistling and calling me sweet cheeks or else I’m going to rip your tongue out of your mouth and smack the shit out of you with it.” Any bar owner who doesn’t allow his or her staff to properly police and educate the animal-like behavior that goes on at every bar in the world is doing you, the general drunken public, a disservice. If you don’t call an every night amateur out they will act like a dickbag for the rest of their lives and most likely raise a family of half-wit dickbags that will terrorize innocent bar employees and regulars until the end of time.

The worst offense an every night amateur can perform is the defamation of a check book or credit card receipt. If you don’t want to tip that’s fine, there is a special restaurant in hell you will be waiting tables at when you die, but being cheap is your right. However, vulgarities of any kind found on company property are unacceptable. That means that slipping a condom in a checkbook, drawing a penis or making obscene comments or simply writing fuck you on a credit card receipt will be met with swift action. Disrespectful behavior such as that is an abomination wrapped in an abomination marinated in hot sauce topped with melted Gouda served on a cheese cracker and should result in public humiliation, aggressive 86ing and, possibly, leg breaking.

P.S. BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING THE LOVE LIFE LINK TO THE RIGHT

Buy My Book

July 7, 2012

The United States has just announced that starting this year July 22nd will for now on be known as National Buy a Book Day. America has done so in an effort to encourage not just young people, but everyone to read more. To honor this yearly holiday major cable providers have agreed to only play re-runs of Christian Bale’s new reality TV show “I am a Robot” in an effort to make American’s shut their television’s off. Book stores all over the country will be offering discounts on all books for this one day only and avid readers will have an opportunity to stock up on all the books they always wanted but couldn’t afford.

As the head of the literature department here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions I can safely say on behalf of our entire company we applaud our fine country’s decision to honor reading. We have supported the bill endorsing National Buy a Book Day since the first day it was introduced to Congress. It has been a long time coming as is anything with the government, but for once it looks like somebody somewhere finally got something right.

To help celebrate National Buy a Book Day we have decided to release Love Life, which is the long awaited second novel by yours truly, on Friday the 13th of July, 2012. That Friday copies of Love Life will be available on Amazon.com and on Kindle as well. It will be an honor to have my novel released when not only reading books, but more importantly, buying books is a nationally imposed policy. We have decided to release Love Life right before National Buy A Book Day not just for me, but for the Nation. Many people have inquired when my second novel would be released and we believe giving the people the book they want will help draw readers out to help celebrate National Buy a Book Day.

Love Life is the story of Hunter Jack whose name will soon be tattooed on my left arm. Hunter Jack comes from money and tragedy. Due to heartbreak early in his life he has become obsessed with his own death. A social outcast, Hunter struggles through high school and college. His self-inflicted solitude inspires him to become an aspiring author. Repeated rejection of his words drives him to the brink of fulfilling his suicidal destiny. These desperate thoughts end when the lovely Karenelise moves in next door. Hunter falls for her and discovers that life might have more than heartbreak to offer. When Karenelise’s dangerous past catches up to her, Hunter is thrust into a violent fight to protect the only reason he has left to continue living.

There will be a book release/signing party for Love Life the night of National Buy a Book day. It stands to be the keynote event on a day loaded with action packed literary activities. It will be the first time Love Life will be available for purchase directly from me, the author. We will be hosting the Love Life book signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille in San Marcos, CA. Churchill’s is widely known throughout the country as being the best craft beer bar in the entire world so releasing my second novel there is an honor.  I would like to personally thank publican Ivan Derezin for supporting our nation’s dedication to reading. There will be specials on draft beer, appetizers and well drinks so bring a thirst not just for literature but for booze and food as well.

In addition to being able to purchase copies of my new book Love Life at the book release/signing party; I will also have very limited copies of the Author’s Cut of First Light, my first novel. It is a special edition that includes the audio book read by the internationally known bartender and penalty kick goaltender Tony Dowson. This is the only time this edition of First Light will be available until I order more copies from the publisher. If you buy a copy of either book or even bring copies of either book with you to the signing/release party at Churchill’s Pub and Grille I will sign them all for free. If you want to bring books written by other author’s I will sign those as well for a dollar a letter. At some point during the release/signing party of Love Life we will have a group reading session to honor National Buy a Book Day.

On Sunday July 22nd, the first annual National Buy a Book day Americans everywhere will be encouraged to get out to book stores and start buying all the books they always wished they had. Everyone is then encouraged to end this National day for literary hijinks at Churchill’s Pub and Grille where Churchill’s and GuerillaDeSwine Productions will be co- hosting the Love Life book signing/release party at 4 pm. It promises to be a wonderful day of celebration, but what is most important to remember is that America wants you to buy more books, beginning with Love Life, by Jonathan Avella.

Reality, really?

June 2, 2012

I recently saw a commercial for a new television show that features Howard Stern, Howie Mandel and Ozzie Osbourne’s wife judging whether people have talent. I will wait as you chuckle at the irony of this. Believe me, I did. After doing so my first thought was I would rather be locked in a room with Jeffrey Dahmer, Sarah Palin and a tiger shark then be forced to watch such a show. The second thought was that reality television has taken over TV and threatens to take over the world leaving us all brainless.

When I watch TV I do so to escape from reality not to observe it. I want to see well written and acted shows that make me laugh, keep me in suspense or make me want to be David Duchovny. However, it seems like people who share my taste for traditional drama instead of “baby daddy” drama are in the minority.

The general television viewing audience has become obsessed with watching other people’s lives unfold before their eyes. What makes no sense to me is, if people are so interested in real life why are they observing it through a television screen? No matter how big or how high a definition a television you have the picture is never going to be better than what you get in real life. No matter what reality television show your brain claims you like real life has a better alternative to offer.

American Idol is a perfect example. Every time I see a commercial for it I wonder how it is possibly still on the air. Why would anyone choose to watch this show? You have a pimple-covered teenager belting out an off-key rendition of Journey while Stephen Tyler’s corpse humps a table. That doesn’t sound appealing. I would much rather go out and see a talented, local band like the Paragraphs rather than subject myself to FOX’s take on live music.

The sad phenomenon of reality television got its start on MTV when in 1992 they released The Real World. The popularity of that show proved that people were interested in spying on other people’s lives. The Real World flourished and before you knew it reality television had taken over MTV. What had once been a network where you could find quality music videos made by creative people turned into a joke that only played mindless reality shows designed to make the viewer dumber.

Unfortunately all these shows are different variations of the same concept. Just throw a bunch of people who are pre-destined not to get along, shove them in a house or on a island or a fishing boat and watch the sparks fly as people stop being polite and start talking shit for real. That’s formula one. Formula two is as follows: They put someone on stage who claims to be funny or play music or just simply because they are grossly overweight. Then they assemble a panel of former celebrities who haven’t been famous for five years and call them judges or coaches or dance partners. Lastly they allow you, the general television viewing audience, to text message which contestant is your favorite. The winner of the show gets to be a judge five years from now.

There is no creativity in these shows even if they are, as I believe, scripted just like a fictional program would be. I agree that writing anything takes creativity but when the end result is in the form of a reality television show that rule gets thrown out the window. How stimulated can one’s creative side truly be when they are watching rich housewives throw fake charity parties that always predictably end with a cat fight between two women who have so much plastic injected into them that they could both pass for action figures?

Real life changes constantly, that’s what makes it real. Reality television on the other hand is always the same which leads me to believe it isn’t really real, but is simply poorly crafted garbage written by ass clowns not talented enough to write a witty crime drama. I believe that the writers of reality television, if you choose to call them that, put the plot on paper and then allow the “real people” they are filming to act in response to the script they are handed.

I can’t help but laugh at people who truly believe that every minute of the reality television they watch is really happening on the fly with no sort of preparation for what is playing out on camera. I believe it is somewhat naïve to think that a television network would ever allow that sort of freedom to be seen. Freedom is the last thing television networks want us to have.

With freedom comes power and with too much of that people might start turning their televisions off. Networks can’t have that. To prevent such an outrage they dumb down their programming just enough to keep the average viewer stimulated, but not deeply enough to require thought. The more of this sort of programming you view the less important your brain becomes because you no longer need it to be entertained. Then one day every free thought that might have popped into your head has been replaced with season two of Jersey Shore and once you reach that point you are fucked .

I recommend taking your brain back before that happens to you. Remind yourself of what it feels like to think freely. If you want to relax and watch a little television choose something that will keep stimulating your brain like an old school episode of X-Files. Or turn off the television and read a book, like Love Life, my second novel which will be available soon on Amazon and Kindle. If that doesn’t interest you then simply walk outside and see what real life is really like.


%d bloggers like this: