Posts Tagged ‘microbrewery’

Stone Bro

November 3, 2012

In honor of San Diego Beer Week which started Friday, November 2nd, internationally beloved microbrewery and distributor of other microbreweries, Stone Brewery, has just announced the release of four new beers. They believe these new beers will solidify their title of making the best craft beer in all of San Diego which, in the beer community, means the world. The announcement has beer aficionados from all over foaming at the mouth in anticipation of what promises to be some of the best new beers to ever be released.

For years Stone has been accused of not making a beer palatable to those people who prefer light beer. Usually the brewers at Stone prefer to make complex full flavored beers that please the palate of a more refined beer drinker. In an attempt to turn more people onto craft beer Stone decided to brew Stone Lite, an American Lager that is literally so light that you can’t even taste it. Best served in a chilled glass over ice, Stone Lite has an alcohol by volume of 3.9% and as of Friday can be found at every bar in the State.

Stone is famous for not making fizzy, yellow beer which is normally what an American lager resembles and Stone Lite is no different. It is extremely fizzy but it looks more like water so it isn’t yellow, but see-through. Some might say making a beer like Stone Lite is selling out, but I see it as a bridge to a whole new set of customers.

Guys who play in six different adult softball leagues who roll into bars with the sleeves cut off of their shirts that normally order 12 Bud Lights could now be satisfied with a Stone Lite which tastes like nothing as opposed to tasting like shit. Or that classy broad who likes to down 9 Corona’s on a Tuesday afternoon and then go down on whatever unlucky guy is within two stools of her can say that she is a craft beer drinker.

Stone Hef, named for the great Hugh Hefner is the second beer Stone will be releasing in honor of San Diego Beer Week 2012. Stone Hef is a hefeweizen, a German style wheat beer. Most fans of hefeweizen’s here in America like to garnish their wheat beer with an orange or lemon. If you were to tell old, most likely racist, German brewers that young American’s were garnishing their hefeweizens with whatever fruit is readily available they would firebomb us.

Their explanation of such a violent act would be that by introducing a variable from outside the conventional way the beer has been brewed you ruin the beer’s natural flavor and thus make all their hard work go to shit. Stone has never been one to stick to conventional brewing methods and encourages those that choose to enjoy Stone Hef to garnish it with an avocado slice which is also a sign of support for local avocado growers all over Southern California.

Stone Original is going to be an exotic blend of Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale. Now, all those idiots who think that Stone Brewery only makes those two beers can enjoy them both in one bottle. You might think that a brewery of Stone’s production and popularity wouldn’t have to deal with being stereotyped, but it happens on a daily basis.

Stone Original takes the thinking out ordering a beer for those people ignorant enough to truly believe that Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale are the only beers made by Stone Brewery. People all the time who claim that Stone is their favorite brewery and that every beer they make is delicious will turn their nose up when you inform them that you don’t have Stone IPA or Stone Pale. Then when you offer them another Stone alternative they look at you like you’re an asshole.

Yeah, I’m the asshole because what lover of Stone Brewery would ever want anything other than the IPA or Pale? It’s these schmucks that Stone hopes to reach out to with Stone Original. What if a bar doesn’t carry it, what then you ask? Never fear Stone has informed all its accounts that in order to keep getting beer from Stone they must carry Stone Original all the time, forever.

The fourth and final beer Stone plans to release for San Diego Beer Week is called Stone Bro. They have promised that it will be their most arrogant and boldest beer ever. The story behind Stone Bro is that hundreds of bartenders from all over Southern California wrote or called Stone Brewery complaining about the way some Stone customers order their beer.

As any smart company should Stone Brewery did whatever it could to please the masses. That’s why they made Stone Bro. It is one hundred percent donkey urine served warm straight out of the bottle because anyone who walks up to a bar and orders a Stone, bro, deserves to drink animal piss.

Happy San Diego Beer Week!

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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Churchill’s Renaissance III Revisited

March 10, 2012

We survived Renaissance, barely, and once again Churchill’s Pub and Grille proved to have the best selection of craft beer and food served by the finest restaurant/bar staff in the world. That’s right, I said THE WORLD. Feel free to further expand our egos at the pub by showering us with over exaggerated compliments in regards to our exceptional skills. That being said I reiterate that some of us barely survived and that’s not even in regards to the staff. Sure we worked our asses off but you, the general drunken public, drank and ate your asses off and for that we love you.

The line to enter the pub allegedly started at 3:30 Saturday morning. We have since confirmed this to be true by consulting one of the many secret cameras we have hidden in and around the pub. By 6:30 it was already leaking out of our parking lot. When I walked up at ten it had grown to a thousand according to the crack head at the halfway house who repeatedly cursed at me to stay off his porch.

At 10:55 the staff shared one last moment of meditation followed up by a group hug. Then, the doors flung open and the madness began. People bum rushed the bar in a frenzied attempt at being the first to order Churchill’s Finest Hour. Waves and waves of customers slowly marched in and filled the entire bar, restaurant and patio. Ninety-Nine percent of the crowd was polite and patient as they realized that amongst the insanity the entire staff was doing everything in their power to keep people drunk, fat and happy. Those who were rude or impatient usually only got served once.

The vomit level was low much to the relief of our bar backs who were forced to bring their own puke buckets from home. The one glaring upheaval did unfortunately happen in the fire pit which was thankfully not on. Anyone who has ever caught a whiff of a flaming pool of vomit knows how horrible it can be and that it often leads to a ferocious cycle of group puking.

While most customers ordered efficiently so we could help them as quickly as possible there were those who decided that they were more important than all the other customers waiting for food and drink. That’s right string order boy, I am talking to you. At a quiet bar where it’s just you and your buddies making the bartender or server make multiple back to back trips for you is accepted, although still frowned upon. At a bar filled to max capacity with rabid beer aficionados foaming at the mouth to be served a drink this sort of behavior is unacceptable. If you can’t order all your drinks at once you are making others suffer. Even at my most busy and scatter brained I can handle up to eighty-one drinks in my mind at once, so please don ‘t be scared to try to overwhelm me. The quicker I move on from you the quicker I can help the cute girl in the corner, who if I keep serving in a speedy fashion may get drunk enough for you to get lucky.

Other than string orders the only other glaring ordering offense was found in those people not ready to be waited upon. As I pour beers I scan the bar and have a pecking order in mind of who I am going to serve first. It goes regulars first and then it switches to first come first serve. I generally plan out the next five people I am going to help even before I have approached any of them. If I ask you what you want and you look away to consult a friend or beer list then by the time you face the bar again all you will see is the back of my head. I will return, eventually, but that pecking order I just talked about, you’re now at the bottom.

The ultimate asshole award for the day goes to that idiot I personally had kicked out myself. While I doubt he lacks the ability to read I hope he gets a hold of this because I have a message for him.

“No, bro, I didn’t think you were drunk enough to be cut off, I just plain didn’t like you. Your constant groping and sexual harassment of every woman who walked up to bar coupled with your loud and obnoxious voice/laugh/personality/presence/face/existence was what did you in. Had I not been stuck behind the bar I would have grabbed that cell phone you were shit talking me on and shoved it so far up your ass your tongue would be text messaging every time you spoke.”

Despite these minor complaints Churchill’s Renaissance III, The Revenge of Ivan, proved to be the greatest day in the history of beer just as some brilliant writer predicted a week ago. What made it so great was the food, the beer and most importantly the people, both staff and clientele. For that I thank and applaud everyone involved in such a wonderful event. The next big pub event will be St. Patrick’s Day, which compared to the distinguished esteem of Churchill’s Renaissance will be a bro-infested slop fest filled with strewn jello shots and people’s wives being left for dead on bathroom floors. Can’t wait!

Get Stoned

January 14, 2012

The next person who walks up to my bar and says they want a Stone is going to get just that. In fact the only reason I don’t keep an actual stone behind the bar to give to people when they order it is because I believe the animals would throw it at me in a fit of arrogance and embarrassment. Stone is a brewery, not a beer. You can’t walk into a bar and order a brewery as bars serve individual beers not the entire brewery. I assure you Stone does not make a beer called Stone.

It’s even more fun when we do a Stone beer event and a couple of geniuses wearing arrogant bastard tee-shirts and hats stitched with a Stone saying order a couple of Stones. That conversation goes a little like this:

“Hey bro, can I get two Stones,” says the genius.

“Stone what?” I ask.

“It’s a beer.”

“Right, but which one we have fifteen of them currently on draft?”

The genius confers with his buddy and they both seem very confused. After a minute-long discussion they are ready to make a second attempt at ordering.

“The hoppy one,” the genius says confidently.

“We have five different IPA’s from them on right now.”

“Yeah, two of those.”

“Which one?”

“Stone IPA.”

“We don’t have Stone IPA, but we do…”

The genius interrupts.

“You don’t have Stone IPA?” he asks disgustedly.

I shake my head “No”. They are appalled as if I have just told them that our restaurant doesn’t have food. To them that is the equivalent of a bar that doesn’t have Stone IPA.

“Just give me two Guinnesses bro.”

For a brief moment my mind tells me that with the proper guidance I could find these two rocket scientists a different IPA that they might even like more than Stone IPA, but decide that these two deserve a Guinness instead of something hoppy and delicious.

If that conversation didn’t hurt your brain you are probably drinking a Bud Light right now. Welcome to my world. Craft beer is big in Southern California and Stone is the generic face of the movement. Don’t get me wrong, Stone is a trend-setting microbrewery that not only paved the way for themselves but also for microbreweries everywhere. However, due to Stone’s popularity outside of the beer community a lot of people who try to order their beer wind up sounding like idiots. They get so swept away by the legend of Stone IPA or Stone Pale that they refuse to try another beer of the same style from a different brewery. What’s even worse is they won’t try a different style of beer from Stone, which is the brewery they claim to think of so highly.

Here’s a heads up, if a bar doesn’t have Stone IPA don’t get a Guinness or Bud Light. Get a different IPA and realize that there is good beer outside of Stone. There’s nothing wrong with that. Stone brewery doesn’t care if you drink other brewer’s beer I assure you. Lean on your local bartender to guide you to an acceptable alternative and for the love of all that is holy don’t just ask for a Stone. You sound like a moron when you do and believe me everyone in earshot of you whether they be a fellow customer or employee will proceed to make fun of you as soon as you walk away. Other bars may tolerate this sort of behavior but I no longer will. I am on my way to the store to get a foam Stone that I plan on lying in front of anyone ordering a Stone, that way when they throw it at me it will hurt less than holding a conversation with them did.


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