Posts Tagged ‘review.’

GULPU.com Wins!

September 1, 2012

The day has finally arrived. Review evolution is upon us ladies and gentlemen. GULPU.com went live to you, the general drunken public yesterday at 1pm. I would like to thank you all for the patience you have shown in the face of great anticipation for GULPU’s release. There have been some bumps along the road which I can only speak about vaguely as my lawyers have advised me to be less open about my legal affairs.

The latest and perhaps the most laughable was this past week when “someone” hacked into my twitter account. I think we all know who this someone was. It was a bush league attempt at sabotaging my social media outlets in a last ditch attempt to ensure that GULPU.com never went live. After kidnappings, full body cavity searches, unjust arrests and torture, this amateurish stunt did little more than make me change a bunch of passwords which I do every five days anyways.

I would like to thank my web designer, who after having many attempts on his life since being hired at GuerillaDeSwine Productions has requested to remain anonymous, for being a real trooper despite the loss of one or more limbs. It has been a team effort and the reward will be reading all the wonderful reviews that you, the general drunken public have surely been drafting since the first time you found out about the site that puts the power back into the hands of hard working people everywhere.

No longer will we sit idly by while people treat us like servants just because our industry is in pleasing paying customers. Unfortunately, as soon as you empower the consumer the right to dictate every aspect of business service becomes tricky. Now with the internet and a certain four letter site that shall not legally be named people have opened fire on the customer service industry and the hard working people who work within it. GULPU.com is our opportunity to fire back.

It’s simple. You sign up at http://www.gulpu.com/ with an anonymous username and your email and then have a chance to browse one of the many, highly entertaining reviews that people like you have already posted and even comment on the ones you really like. Or you can simply click the Start A New Review button and write your way into review evolution. The release you will feel will be like losing your virginity every time you submit a new review.

It is important to remember that we here at GULPU.com highly encourage that you remain ANONYMOUS. With all the heat we have already felt just for developing GULPU GuerillaDeSwine Productions will not be held responsible if something unsavory or illegal happens to you because you use your real name or say where you work.

We also encourage GULPU.com members to share both good and bad experiences that they have had when working in the customer service industry. There will be a rating system of shot glasses so you will be able to score each individual review. For example if while bartending a beautiful blonde sat at your bar all night drinking whiskey and then tips you with a fifty, a blowjob, and an invitation to a future threesome with her and her twin sister then you should probably award her five shot glasses.

However, if some giant twat who tried to bang his busted girlfriend in the ladies room wants to fight you because you tell him he has a nice purse bro then you would most likely rate this negative experience with just one shot glass. The reviews that have been posted by members so far are so entertaining that I was late to two different legal hearings because I couldn’t stop reading what members of the GULPU.com community had written so far.

GULPU.com isn’t just for restaurant or bar employees; it is for anyone who provides service that is paid for by a customer.  Whether you are in retail, work in a call center, are a sales rep or any customer related business GULPU.com is interested in sharing your experiences with others who go through similar encounters with people even if they work in a different industry. In fact my favorite GULPU review so far was written by a local stripper who complained that when giving a lap dance a customer insisted she call him Tim Tebow as she did. That’s what GULPU.com is all about, giving hard working people the right to talk about the honest work they do.

The first twenty reviewers will be GULPU.com VIP members who will receive limited edition shirts this Monday, September 3rd at the GULPU Website Release Party. The party is at 3725 Jefferson St. in Carlsbad, CA. and begins at 3pm. The VIP shirts, designed by Underground Artist of the Year Joe Anderson, will only be available this one time so hurry up and sign up so you can write a review. There will be regular GULPU.com shirts as well as books for sale at the party so bring your wallet and five friends who want to support local literature. Food and live music by DJ SAVEE and the Paragraphs is also on the agenda so don’t be late this Labor Day.

GULPU.com has been a long time in the works and everyone here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions is very proud to be part of such a noble endeavor. Keep those reviews coming and let your soul go free as you unburden your mind from years of working hard to please customers. It’s time to have your voice heard by people who are just like you. It’s time we told websites like the four letter one that legally shall not be named that we will not be treated like animals. It’s time for all of us to experience review evolution at http://www.gulpu.com/

BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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Dave A., Mira Mesa, CA. GULPU.COM

January 28, 2012

A guy walks up to the bar wearing skinny jeans and a V-neck shirt cut just low enough so you can see a portion of his chest tattoo which is undoubtedly the lyrics to some terrible Dave Matthews song. With a skinny mustache to match his kid’s size small jeans this guy has set my hipster alert for the day to a code orange. It’s busy and we are about four rows of customers deep. I am helping the customer next to him. As I am taking this person’s order the hipster interrupts. I ignore him but he does it again. I let him know I am helping someone else and that I will be with him in one moment. He is annoyed. I help three more people who have been waiting longer before I return to him.

“Finally”, he mutters under his breath.

“Excuse me?” I ask.

“Nothing. Give me a beer.”

“Okay. What beer?”

I point over my shoulder at my 50 tap draft system.

“Holy shit. You guys got a lot of beer.”

My patience wears thin as more customers pile up at my bar.

“You want a beer list?” I ask.

“I don’t do lists,” he says as he waves his hand in my face. “Just give me your favorite.”

“What style?”

“Doesn’t matter bro. I love all types of beer.”

I pour the most expensive beer I have on tap.

“That will be eight dollars. “

I go to help the guy next to him, but apparently the hipster has decided to string order me.

“I need a Newcastle and a vodka and tonic also,” he interrupts.

I finish taking the other person’s order before returning to the hipster.

“A Newcastle and Vodka and Tonic? Who are those for?”

“What?”

“Who are you ordering those drinks for? “

“My friends.”

“I need to see their ID’s.”

“Oh, no, they’re for me.”

“Go get your fucking friends.”

“Fine, watch my beer.”

I help five people in the time it takes him to return. He hands me two ID’s. I look around. His friends aren’t with him. I fight the urge to take his beer back and just ignore him for the rest of the evening.

“I need to see them as well as their ID’s.”

“Come on,” he says as he points at the ID’s, “They’re like thirty.”

“I would love to take your word for it, but I need to make sure the ID’s match the people.”

“Fine, watch my beer.”

I help ten people before he returns with his two friends. I verify the ID’s and go pour their drinks. When I return the hipster has his back to the bar and is engrossed in conversation with his friends.

“Here you go man,” I say as I place the drinks down on the bar.

He doesn’t respond. I repeat myself, this time louder. His friends get his attention. He turns to me.

“Eighteen dollars.”

“Start me a tab.”

“Cool, I just need a credit card.”

“Oh no, I want to pay cash.”

“You can’t run a tab then.”

“Why not?”

“Cuz you need a credit card to run a tab.”

“Just cash me out then.”

“Eighteen dollars.”

I feel the eyes of countless customers concentrated on me as the hipster struggles to pull his wallet out of his pocket because his skinny jeans are too small. When he finally gets his wallet out he slides me a twenty. On my way to the register I take three people’s orders. I return with the hipsters change and he is chatting to a girl who has just walked up. He takes his change.

“She wants a margarita on the rocks with salt.”

I make the drinks for the people I helped on my way to the register first, all of which takes thirty seconds. I make the margarita and hand it to him. He has put the two dollars back into his wallet and the girl already has a margarita in front of her. When he sees the second drink he points at the bartender I am working with.

“He got me.”

“You ordered from me.”

“I thought you forgot about me.”

I walk away and dump the margarita I just made. I help several more people before the hipster waves me down. He points at his beer.

“This is gross. Just give me a Michelob Ultra instead.”

“You told me you liked all beer.”

“I do, but not that.”

“As it states on our beer list we don’t take returns on beer.”

“I told you I don’t do lists bro.”

The urge to grab him by the back of his head and slam his face into the bar is nearly blinding. I decide instead to cut my losses.

“If I give you a Michelob Ultra will you go away?”

He nods. I give him his beer and he still doesn’t tip. In the future when my hipster alert reaches such a high level I will have a Michelob Ultra and my middle finger ready.

GULP!!!

December 17, 2011

I’m going to create a website called Gulp. It is going to be modeled after Yelp, the evil website made originally with good intentions but which now specifically specializes in making business owners crazy. The difference for Gulp will be that instead of customers reviewing workers, Gulp will consist of reviews written by workers about their customers. Don’t get me wrong I’m not totally against Yelp. I believe that if someone goes to a restaurant several times and repeatedly receives bad food or service that it is their civil duty to let other people know. Yelp gives you a chance to voice your opinion. I have no problem with that concept. My problem is with some of the people who use Yelp. Instead of being constructive or rational they come off as biased and just plain stupid. It only seems fair that if customers get to write whatever they want about people trying to make a living that the working man should get their say too. Reading Yelp can at times be like repeatedly kicking yourself in the groin for an extended amount of time. If you have ever felt the dread of reading a one star review of the restaurant or bar you work at you understand exactly what I mean. Most of the people in the hospitality industry I know are very hard working people who truly believe that making the customer happy is one of the most important aspects of their job. That’s why coming home after an eight hour shift and getting a text message from a Yelp-addicted chef that some anonymous coward gave us a one star review because she couldn’t find a parking space at 8 o’clock on a Friday night and because she had to wait five minutes to use the restroom, and that her one star review has now dropped us to a 4-star as opposed to a 4.5 star restaurant is the last thing I want to hear about it. To Yelp reviewers like that I say I will not go play in traffic because you thought the ice cold beer I served to you was, in your opinion, tepid. Despite what you may believe those kids being loud at the table next to you are not mine, nor did I strategically seat you next to them just to ensure your dining experience would be ruined. I apologize if my not serving your friend who doesn’t have their ID makes you believe I am on a power trip. The fact that you have deemed my clientele to be snooty locals or fat bitchy chicks really has no bearing on the food or service. Also any restaurant employee talking shit on Yelp about another restaurant out of spite or envy or jealousy should be outcast from society and left to live in the woods eating only berries and deer shit. It’s idiotic comments like the ones referenced above that have inspired Gulp and once it is unleashed I cannot be held responsible for the consequences. Now, not just customers get to be irrational and hateful. Employees in customer service everywhere will now have an anonymous way to talk shit about the people they serve. Welcome to Gulp. But beware, or I might just Gulp the shit out of you.


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