Posts Tagged ‘RG3’

WE WANT DALLAS

December 28, 2012

My earliest memory as a young football fan is sitting at the dinner table with my family and just as my father goes to take a bite of his steak I lean over and say, “Dad, I think I want to be a Dallas Cowboys fan.”

Upon hearing these words my dad immediately dropped his fork. It made a loud clanging noise as it struck the side of his plate on its way down to the floor. My father’s face twisted in a mixture of anger and disgust. I looked over at my mother. She wore a nervous look on her face. I looked back to my father. He was staring right at me. He leaned slowly over to me.

“Cowboy fans aren’t welcome at this table so I believe you best apologize for that statement or spend the rest of your days starving.”

I quickly retracted my words. I had not been serious. My football allegiance was with the Washington Redskins just the same as my father’s. I had only been trying to get a rise out of the old man, but that plan backfired greatly. What I might not have grasped entirely that day but came to understand over the years was that the worst thing a Redskins fan could hear about their only son was that he turned out to be a Cowboys fan. What I did learn that day was that Dallas was the enemy and even joking about rooting for them was unacceptable.

The Washington Redskins and Dallas Cowboys have been playing each other in football since 1960 and over the past 52 years a strong hatred between the two teams has been forged. Dallas is known as America’s team, but to Redskins fans everywhere they represent pure evil. This evil starts with owner Jerry Jones who if I came across on the street and he was on fire I would piss on him to put him out and then relight him on fire just to have experienced the honor of pissing on him.

Both franchises have had their ups and downs. Between 1980, the year I was born, and 1992 the Redskins won three Super bowls in four tries. Between 1992 and 1996 the criminal Cowboys led by captain cocaine Michael Irvin, that dumb blond quarterback Troy Aikman and the invincible Emmitt Smith won three out of four Super Bowls.

Since then the Redskins have been a joke on almost a yearly basis while the Cowboys haven’t been much better. Despite this lack of recent success the rivalry has only gotten more and more bitter. When teams are winning championships losing to a rival is acceptable. When you can barely make the playoffs playing your rival is the biggest game of the year every time you play.

As a Redskins fan we live for Dallas week. We want Dallas every week because every time we beat them feels like the first time. Hatred can do things to a man and in the case of Redskins nation it has made us crave every chance we can get at crushing the Cowboys competitive spirit. While the pain of losing to Dallas can be crippling it can never compare to the joy of beating them.

That’s why Redskin fans everywhere are thanking Santa this year. Not only is the week of Christmas this year Dallas week, this particular game means even more. The winner this Sunday night in Landover , MD wins the NFC East title and a berth in the playoffs, the loser goes home left to stew over being eliminated by their most bitter of rivals all off season long.

The Cowboys come in winners of five of their last seven led by doctor domestic abuse Dez Bryant and that even dumber brunette quarterback Tony Romo. The Redskins come in winners of their last six led by the best player in the league Robert Griffin III and the best linebacker not named Ray Lewis to play in the NFL over the past sixteen years, London Fletcher.

Someone insisted to me the other day that the Redskins would be better off if their season depended on them beating some last place team we could roll over without a worry at all. They went on and on how playing a divisional foe with so much on the line was not really the most ideal scenario for my burgundy and gold brethren to face. I listened patiently and waited for them to finish. When they did all I said were three words: “WE WANT DALLAS” because not making the playoffs is worth it just to have a chance at not only beating Dallas but to be the ones to end their season.

This latest installation of Redskins versus Cowboys promises to be one of the most memorable of all time. The forecast calls for snow and FedEx Field Field promises to be so loud Jerry Jones might actually be able to hear fans chants without his diamond encrusted hearing aid.

The powers that be have flexed this game into the prime time slot. By kickoff time every franchise other than Washington and Dallas will have played their last regular season game. If you are a fan of one of these other teams that have either locked up a playoff spot or are solidifying top ten draft picks I encourage you not to just watch this Redskins Cowboys game, but to embrace a fifty-two year old hatred that only grows stronger with time. There is always room on the Redskins Fan Wagon but be warned it’s Dallas week which means you always keep your head on a swivel and you need to always be prepared to join Redskins fans everywhere as they chant loudly and proudly, “WE WANT DALLAS.”

HAIL TO THE REDSKINS! BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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Thanks Given

November 24, 2012

Ever since I was a young boy Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Hanging out with the people you love the most plus turkey plus football equals the greatest day of the year. Now as a grownup I appreciate it even more as I realize that there are many people and places and things that I am very thankful for. When I was younger I used to think it was stupid when my mother would make everyone at the table take a moment to talk about what they were thankful for, but nowadays I think that is an important part of my favorite holiday so I figured why not share mine with you, the general drunken public.

First and foremost I am thankful for my family, friends and beautiful fiancé. Without these loved ones I would not be the man that I am today. I am thankful to work at Churchill’s Pub and Grille the greatest craft food/beer pub with the best staff in the entire world. While our competitors choose to serve suspect mac and cheese or promote club night with DJ Glowstick or offer drink specials where when you buy a pint you get a $2 shot of 151 and a free match we at Churchill’s do what we have always done, offer great service and freshly prepared food served alongside delicious beer.

I am thankful to Stone Brewery who honored me with the right of being the first person to break the news of their special San Diego Beer Week beer release. Sales on Stone Lite, Stone Hef and Stone Original have been through the roof but the top seller has been Stone Bro of which they have sold so much they are running out of donkey piss to fill the bottles with.

I am thankful to Human Female Hyenas who prowl the night with a hint of flavored vodka and semen on their breath. Without these pack hunting skanks men in bars all across the country would be lost at last call left only with the option of going home alone and whacking off to internet porn. A word of advice to all you lonesome losers getting laid by women older than your mother wrap that shit up B.

I am thankful for hipsters. Without them homeless people would have no one dressed the same as them. I love to watch a group of hipsters sip on poor man’s PBR while wearing two hundred dollar cardigans as they bitch over the infection their cock ring gave them.

I am thankful to reality television for keeping backwoods rednecks, teenage whores and rich white housewives current in our modern society. Without it how else would any of those people make a living that didn’t involve ditch digging, dick sucking or spending other people’s money.

I am thankful to Tim Tebow for being the most talked about backup quarterback/punt protector in the history of football. Without him ESPN would go out of business. I am also very thankful for Robert Griffin III for being the best player in the league, being highly attractive but mainly because he is not Tim Tebow.

I am thankful to bad parents especially when they display their bad parenting in public. While their misbehaving kids are obnoxious and the parents disinterested they act as one of the strongest forms of birth control on the market, and it’s free. I believe high school kids should be trapped in a room with bad parents as a way to deter teen pregnancy which is rampant in this country. Bad parents also make those women who are in long term relationships and can’t wait to have a kid think twice about poking holes in their boyfriend’s condoms.

I am thankful to bad tippers, bros, whistlers and people who believe they know everything about the bar business because they bartended their frat’s homo erotic initiation all male mixer one night. While at times these schmucks make my life a living hell they also put my job into perspective. For every coked up whore who accuses me of not pouring any vodka in her eighteenth vodka red bull there is a regular who is friendly, polite, funny and tips well. Without the customers who make me tell them to go fuck themselves I might fail to appreciate the importance of all the regulars who make this world wonderful.

Lastly I would like to thank the twenty-two year old skank from last night who told me I was going to die of a heart attack because I wouldn’t serve her or her boyfriend who was dressed like Brandon Lee from The Crow. I guess I’m not thankful to her personally but more to the fact that a whore of her caliber will someday die a painful death from one of the many STD’s she has contracted from her years of trolling street corners and that fact brings a thankful smile to my face.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

Officially Awful

September 26, 2012

I made myself two promises at the beginning of this football season. One was that I wasn’t going to freak out about Robert Griffin III just because he had a few good games. As a Redskins fan we have been searching for a quarterback ever since a coke-crazed underage prostitute banging Lawrence Taylor snapped Joe Theismann’s  leg in two. Names such as Heath Shuler, Gus Frerotte, John Beck, John Friesz, Mark Brunell and Rex Grossman (aka RG1) still send shivers down my spine. The Redskin’s past failures at the most important position in all of sports is what led me to promise myself to be overly patient with RG3.

My second promise was that I wasn’t going to freak out about the replacement referees if they had a few bad games. They are after all human and are allowed to make mistakes just like the rest of us. These scabs have been put in a difficult position and I originally wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. After three weeks of football that barely resembles the sport I have grown to love I have decided that neither the league nor the replacement referees deserves anything but doubt.

Every game has been marred by bad calls, confusion and a pace that makes baseball look like the hundred yard dash. Fans are suffering from heart burn and frustration after each erroneous flag that requires a ten minute huddle that results in a bullshit roughing the passer call. Gamblers are losing money and possibly limbs every time a scab overrules another scab and gives games away because the home crowd told him to. Not to mention that most of these games because a lack of control by the officials have at times been both boring and damn near unwatchable.

Do you hear that Roger Goodell and all you old rich white men? If not, consider this a newsflash for all NFL owners and their commissioner who care much more about making ridiculous amounts of money than the players whose backs have been broken and fans whose wallets have been emptied on the way to building the NFL into an empire rather than a corporation, your product is boring. Unfortunately the NFL has such a stranglehold over the American public that players and fans the people who truly make the league what it is have no say or control over the future of the sport.

All the power lies in Goodell and the owners hands despite the fact that the money that is generated has nothing to do with anything they do. When was the last time you shelled out $150 for a Chargers game because you wanted to see Dean Spanos. The only reason a Charger fan would pay to see Dean Spanos was if he was in a dunk tank with a bulls eye behind him and the water below was swarming with old rich white man craving piranhas.

Goodell believed he could use his immense power to fuck the real referees and when they refused to be treated like cattle he puffed out his chest and turned this lockout into a pissing contest. Now I will not lie, when I first heard that the real referees were out I barely batted an eye. Whether I did so out of hope or stupidity I was wrong and knew so as soon as week one was over. The experiment in my opinion was over and it had failed, miserably.

Not Goodell. He went out of his way to support these scabs who can’t even remember whether intentional grounding is on the quarterback or safety.  Week two and the scabs were even worse and the games even harder to watch. Blinded by ignorance and arrogance Goodell continued to support the scabs and went as far as writing a letter to each organization threatening coaches who he thought were berating the scabs. Guess what? Week three was worse than anyone could have imagined yet Goodell is still posturing. It’s a shame because this season has a lot of great storylines but the only topic anyone is talking about is the atrocious officiating.

One of those great stories is Robert Griffin III. My personal promise to remain patient about this kid disappeared the moment he connected on an 80 yard touchdown to my favorite waiter Pierre Garcon.  RG3 is for real and has shown the potential to be one of the elite players in this league for a very long time.

Now I know this has only been over a three game span, but in those three games RG3 is 60 for 89 for 747 yards with four touchdowns and one interception. He is averaging eight yards a pass, completing 67% of his passes for a quarterback rating of 103.5. He has also rushed the ball for 209 yards averaging six yards a carry and has scored four times on the ground. To put that in perspective Tom Brady is completing 66% of his passes averaging seven yards a pass. Brady has thrown the same number of touchdowns and interceptions and has a quarterback rating of 97 without the rushing yards or touchdowns.

With numbers like that along with his intelligence and charisma the only thing that could possibly stop RG3 from being a superstar is the threat of injury. Football is a violent sport especially for a quarterback who likes to run and every time you leave the pocket the risk for injury increases. Another way to increase the threat of injury to your quarterback is for a coach or offensive coordinator to call plays that put that player directly in harm’s way.

What that means is this is the NFL not the ACC and many a quarterbacks have been crushed in the past to prove that the triple option doesn’t work in the pros. These defensive players are too fast and smart to fall for an offense that even college has gone away from. This is not the Air Force Academy Kyle and Mike Shanahan and if you continue to allow the defense to take free shots at RG3 then either he will get hurt or the fans will eventually run you out of town. To see a kid with this much potential get hurt because his coach can’t come up with an NFL ready game plan would be a disgrace.

This young NFL season has already seen enough disgrace over three weeks to last a lifetime. Games have been decided not by the players us fans pay to see but by old rich white men and scab officials who don’t know their asshole from their elbow. If this farce of a lockout continues fans will stop watching games. It won’t be immediate Roger Goodell but when it happens it will be swift. You may think the average fan is a moron but I believe that your greed and arrogance will eventually ruin the sport we thought never could be and the morons you care so little about will find other ways to entertain themselves.


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