Posts Tagged ‘skank’

Thanks Given

November 24, 2012

Ever since I was a young boy Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Hanging out with the people you love the most plus turkey plus football equals the greatest day of the year. Now as a grownup I appreciate it even more as I realize that there are many people and places and things that I am very thankful for. When I was younger I used to think it was stupid when my mother would make everyone at the table take a moment to talk about what they were thankful for, but nowadays I think that is an important part of my favorite holiday so I figured why not share mine with you, the general drunken public.

First and foremost I am thankful for my family, friends and beautiful fiancé. Without these loved ones I would not be the man that I am today. I am thankful to work at Churchill’s Pub and Grille the greatest craft food/beer pub with the best staff in the entire world. While our competitors choose to serve suspect mac and cheese or promote club night with DJ Glowstick or offer drink specials where when you buy a pint you get a $2 shot of 151 and a free match we at Churchill’s do what we have always done, offer great service and freshly prepared food served alongside delicious beer.

I am thankful to Stone Brewery who honored me with the right of being the first person to break the news of their special San Diego Beer Week beer release. Sales on Stone Lite, Stone Hef and Stone Original have been through the roof but the top seller has been Stone Bro of which they have sold so much they are running out of donkey piss to fill the bottles with.

I am thankful to Human Female Hyenas who prowl the night with a hint of flavored vodka and semen on their breath. Without these pack hunting skanks men in bars all across the country would be lost at last call left only with the option of going home alone and whacking off to internet porn. A word of advice to all you lonesome losers getting laid by women older than your mother wrap that shit up B.

I am thankful for hipsters. Without them homeless people would have no one dressed the same as them. I love to watch a group of hipsters sip on poor man’s PBR while wearing two hundred dollar cardigans as they bitch over the infection their cock ring gave them.

I am thankful to reality television for keeping backwoods rednecks, teenage whores and rich white housewives current in our modern society. Without it how else would any of those people make a living that didn’t involve ditch digging, dick sucking or spending other people’s money.

I am thankful to Tim Tebow for being the most talked about backup quarterback/punt protector in the history of football. Without him ESPN would go out of business. I am also very thankful for Robert Griffin III for being the best player in the league, being highly attractive but mainly because he is not Tim Tebow.

I am thankful to bad parents especially when they display their bad parenting in public. While their misbehaving kids are obnoxious and the parents disinterested they act as one of the strongest forms of birth control on the market, and it’s free. I believe high school kids should be trapped in a room with bad parents as a way to deter teen pregnancy which is rampant in this country. Bad parents also make those women who are in long term relationships and can’t wait to have a kid think twice about poking holes in their boyfriend’s condoms.

I am thankful to bad tippers, bros, whistlers and people who believe they know everything about the bar business because they bartended their frat’s homo erotic initiation all male mixer one night. While at times these schmucks make my life a living hell they also put my job into perspective. For every coked up whore who accuses me of not pouring any vodka in her eighteenth vodka red bull there is a regular who is friendly, polite, funny and tips well. Without the customers who make me tell them to go fuck themselves I might fail to appreciate the importance of all the regulars who make this world wonderful.

Lastly I would like to thank the twenty-two year old skank from last night who told me I was going to die of a heart attack because I wouldn’t serve her or her boyfriend who was dressed like Brandon Lee from The Crow. I guess I’m not thankful to her personally but more to the fact that a whore of her caliber will someday die a painful death from one of the many STD’s she has contracted from her years of trolling street corners and that fact brings a thankful smile to my face.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND BUY MY BOOK LOVE LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS BY CLICKING ON THE LOVE LIFE LINK UP AND TO THE RIGHT FROM HERE!

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Jason C., Chicago, IL. GULPU

May 26, 2012

I don’t like to toss the words frosty and bitch around lightly, but sometimes there is no other way to describe certain females. There are just some women who make it a point to be a royal pain in the ass. There are men like that too except we call them a douche bag or asshole or dickbag. The term frosty bitch, however, is one I like to reserve for the fairer sex.

It was college night and we were slammed. I was by myself behind the bar and maintaining pretty well despite the constant stream of server tickets spewing out of my ticket printer. I pulled three tickets and on my way to making those drinks took an order from a couple at the right end of the bar. After placing six drinks in the server window I proceeded to mix the couples drinks. I served them with a smile and moved onto a group of three guys to the left of them.

They all ordered beers and on my way to the draft tower I snagged two more server tickets from the printer. As I was pouring the beers I scanned the bar. Three more server tickets had just printed out. The couple I had just served was good, the guys next to them were the ones I was serving, there was another couple to the left of them who were good and to the left of them was one guy who had just walked up and was patiently waiting with his money in hand.

I put the server’s drinks in the window and then served the three guys their beers. I gave the solo guy the head nod and then proceeded to cash out my current order. As I did that up walks a girl who I could tell from the slam of the front door had literally just walked in. She stood next to the guy I was going to help next and tried to catch my attention by bending over the bar showing her cleavage. I avoided nipple and eye contact and kept moving.

I dropped off the three guys change. Four more server tickets printed out. I approached the guy who had been patiently waiting. Before he could even begin to order this frosty bitch started waving her hand in the air.

“Excuse me I was here first.”

I ignored her and maintained eye contact with the guy. He began to order when again she waved a hand in the air.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I was like here way before him. “

I looked at her. She was in her early thirties but based on her makeup and skankified outfit it was clear she was hoping to pass for twenty-two. Her blatant attempt of looking younger was failing miserably.

“Excuse me Mam, but no you weren’t here first. I will be with you as soon as I help the customers who have been waiting longer.”

“Whatever. A gentleman would help the woman first.”

She then glanced at the guy I was originally trying to help with a crooked smile that smacked of a sickly attempt at seducing him. Instead of being interested in this forward flirt on her part he looked scared and confused. He motioned for me to help her first.

She ordered a lemon drop martini. I chilled her glass and then went about pouring the four server tickets. I placed the drinks in the server window and then began to mix her drink. The guy I had tried to help had walked away.

I put her drink in front of her and told her it would be eight dollars. She gasped in disgust.

“Really? It took long enough. I feel like that’s way too much money.”

She begrudgingly pulled her wallet out of her purse and slid a ten dollar bill across the bar. I gave her the change which she quickly snatched and put away. I saw that the guy I had tried to help before hadn’t left but had simply moved to the other side of the bar.

I went to go help him again when out of the corner of my eye I saw her reach for my fruit caddy. I was able to intervene before she stuck her grubby little hands all over my freshly cut fruit. I politely informed her that her touching my fruit was against health code and made it clear that if she wanted more fruit all she had to do was ask.

“Wow, rude. All I wanted was another lemon,” she said.

I handed her another lemon. The guy ordered a beer. The ticket printer pumped out two more server tickets. They were both beers. I poured them and then as I went to put them in the window I saw this frosty bitch with half her hand buried in the server’s fruit caddy.

I watched as she grabbed a couple of cherries and dropped them in her drink. She then stuck her dirty skank hand back in the caddy. I put the drinks down and slammed the lid of the caddy down on her. She screamed at such a high pitch it sounded like a cat was being tortured. She pulled her hand back and it was full of cherries and lemons.

“I told you not to do that once already. If you do it again I will have to ask you to leave,” I said.

She let out a defiant cackle and then threw the fruit in her hand at me. Before the fruit hit the floor I snatched her drink and threw it away. I then came around the bar and escorted her out. She kicked and screamed and cursed and skanked but her words fell upon deaf ears.

When I returned I was finally able to help the guy who had been waiting so patiently. Once he got his drink he and everyone else that had come in contact with that frosty bitch breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of her leaving.

GULPU!!!

January 6, 2012

The government has informed me via a sealed letter that due to legal restrictions the website GULP is not available for public use. Apparently, although I can neither confirm nor deny whether what I am about to say is true, the term GULP is the name of some sort of secret government program which the government wishes to keep the general public from learning about. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to Government interference in our business and are pleased to announce that what was once GULP.COM is now GULPU.COM! The website is still under construction but the response to our initial announcement of GULPU has been overwhelming. Here is just one of the many GULPU reviews we have already received.

Emily B. San Marcos, CA

Two ex or current streetwalkers walked in the other night. One had on a puffy jacket with a fake fur-line collar while the other had shorts short enough to require two hairdos. When asked if they were eating dinner they exchanged annoyed glances and then replied “yes” with an over exaggerated gasp. After looking at a menu skank one asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I fought the urge to ask her if most restaurants she went to listed fake prices or if maybe she was used to bartering for food. When I answered yes she waved me off in disgust.

They were ready to order when I returned with their drinks. One ordered the Mushroom and Bleu burger, well done, which is a wonderful way to ruin a good piece of meat. The other ordered the mac and cheese she had wished to negotiate down in price earlier. In addition she wanted a grilled cheese. I guess walking the streets called for a constant intake of cheese, amongst other things, into her body. I placed the order and fifteen minutes later it was up. When I placed the food on the table the mac skank let me know that she thought the food had taken way too long. I began to explain that ruining a good burger by ordering it well done took extra time but she waved me off before I could finish.

The burger skank flagged me down after taking two bites from her burger. She said there was something funky tasting on it. I pointed out that the mushroom and bleu burger had bleu cheese on it and perhaps that was what gave off a slightly funky taste. She said that wasn’t it. She loved bleu cheese. I took her plate away and had the kitchen make a plain well done burger.

The mac skank flagged me down. She pointed at her mac. She asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I nodded yes. She waved me off. I returned with the well done burger. They both let me know this time that they thought the food had taken way too long. They proceeded to scarf the food down as if it was their first meal in days and that their figure-obsessed pimp may be lurking around a corner somewhere ready to smack them down for eating.

I cleared their plates and listened as the mac skank trash talked the food and restaurant to her friend as if I didn’t exist. Without even looking at me or stopping her conversation she signaled for the check. They left in a hurry so I immediately checked the check book. There was money in it but it was eleven cents short. I decided against going after them when I realized they clearly needed that eleven cents way more than I did. I would have rather paid for their food and once the kitchen was finished making it just throw it away rather than having those two in at all.

Please don’t come back, whoever you are.

Thanks Emily for being a part of GULPU! While we are updating our software for the GULPU.COM launch feel free to leave your reviews in the comment area of this blog.


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