Posts Tagged ‘Southern California’

Stone Bro

November 3, 2012

In honor of San Diego Beer Week which started Friday, November 2nd, internationally beloved microbrewery and distributor of other microbreweries, Stone Brewery, has just announced the release of four new beers. They believe these new beers will solidify their title of making the best craft beer in all of San Diego which, in the beer community, means the world. The announcement has beer aficionados from all over foaming at the mouth in anticipation of what promises to be some of the best new beers to ever be released.

For years Stone has been accused of not making a beer palatable to those people who prefer light beer. Usually the brewers at Stone prefer to make complex full flavored beers that please the palate of a more refined beer drinker. In an attempt to turn more people onto craft beer Stone decided to brew Stone Lite, an American Lager that is literally so light that you can’t even taste it. Best served in a chilled glass over ice, Stone Lite has an alcohol by volume of 3.9% and as of Friday can be found at every bar in the State.

Stone is famous for not making fizzy, yellow beer which is normally what an American lager resembles and Stone Lite is no different. It is extremely fizzy but it looks more like water so it isn’t yellow, but see-through. Some might say making a beer like Stone Lite is selling out, but I see it as a bridge to a whole new set of customers.

Guys who play in six different adult softball leagues who roll into bars with the sleeves cut off of their shirts that normally order 12 Bud Lights could now be satisfied with a Stone Lite which tastes like nothing as opposed to tasting like shit. Or that classy broad who likes to down 9 Corona’s on a Tuesday afternoon and then go down on whatever unlucky guy is within two stools of her can say that she is a craft beer drinker.

Stone Hef, named for the great Hugh Hefner is the second beer Stone will be releasing in honor of San Diego Beer Week 2012. Stone Hef is a hefeweizen, a German style wheat beer. Most fans of hefeweizen’s here in America like to garnish their wheat beer with an orange or lemon. If you were to tell old, most likely racist, German brewers that young American’s were garnishing their hefeweizens with whatever fruit is readily available they would firebomb us.

Their explanation of such a violent act would be that by introducing a variable from outside the conventional way the beer has been brewed you ruin the beer’s natural flavor and thus make all their hard work go to shit. Stone has never been one to stick to conventional brewing methods and encourages those that choose to enjoy Stone Hef to garnish it with an avocado slice which is also a sign of support for local avocado growers all over Southern California.

Stone Original is going to be an exotic blend of Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale. Now, all those idiots who think that Stone Brewery only makes those two beers can enjoy them both in one bottle. You might think that a brewery of Stone’s production and popularity wouldn’t have to deal with being stereotyped, but it happens on a daily basis.

Stone Original takes the thinking out ordering a beer for those people ignorant enough to truly believe that Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale are the only beers made by Stone Brewery. People all the time who claim that Stone is their favorite brewery and that every beer they make is delicious will turn their nose up when you inform them that you don’t have Stone IPA or Stone Pale. Then when you offer them another Stone alternative they look at you like you’re an asshole.

Yeah, I’m the asshole because what lover of Stone Brewery would ever want anything other than the IPA or Pale? It’s these schmucks that Stone hopes to reach out to with Stone Original. What if a bar doesn’t carry it, what then you ask? Never fear Stone has informed all its accounts that in order to keep getting beer from Stone they must carry Stone Original all the time, forever.

The fourth and final beer Stone plans to release for San Diego Beer Week is called Stone Bro. They have promised that it will be their most arrogant and boldest beer ever. The story behind Stone Bro is that hundreds of bartenders from all over Southern California wrote or called Stone Brewery complaining about the way some Stone customers order their beer.

As any smart company should Stone Brewery did whatever it could to please the masses. That’s why they made Stone Bro. It is one hundred percent donkey urine served warm straight out of the bottle because anyone who walks up to a bar and orders a Stone, bro, deserves to drink animal piss.

Happy San Diego Beer Week!

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Great Balls of Ranch

May 5, 2012

I am going to create a shot that consists of Fireball whiskey and ranch dressing. I’m thinking about naming it the Great Balls of Ranch shot but am open to name suggestions. I know this recipe of salad dressing and cinnamon flavored whiskey sounds nasty, but believe me that it is exactly what the general drunken public wants. I know this due to the fact that every time I am waiting tables everyone is always asking for ranch even if their meal doesn’t traditionally call for it. Coincidentally whenever I am behind the bar and the topic of shots are brought up everyone immediately brings up Fireball.

I moved to Southern California several years ago and it didn’t take me long to realize that people out here will put ranch dressing on just about anything. Back east ranch was mostly just reserved for salads, but out here ranch seems to be a more popular condiment than ketchup. It seems like no matter what I serve there is always a constant need for ranch to accompany every dish.

At times I wonder if most people like the taste of ranch more than the food they are eating it with. When you douse something in ranch it is nearly impossible to taste anything other than the dressing itself. That then begs the question if people prefer ranch over the food they are dipping in it why don’t we cut out the middle man? Let’s start serving ranch in a bowl with small sides of food. You can toss the food in the bowl of ranch and then get your dressing fix by the spoonful.

Anyone who works at a restaurant knows how awkward it can be if you forget someone’s side of ranch when you drop off their food.  It will be the first thing they look for. When they discover it isn’t there the rest of the table will go quiet. They will try not to make eye contact with the person or with you. The person who was expecting the ranch will address you with a very serious tone of voice as they ask if they could get the ranch they ordered. They then will stare at you with an unwavering look that makes you feel like their life may depend on your answer. It’s as if the very thought that maybe there is no side of ranch because there is no ranch is enough to drive someone to the brink of a serious mental breakdown. Once you return with their side of ranch cooler heads always prevail and then everyone else at the table decides that they would like some ranch as well.

Fireball is a Cinnamon flavored whiskey that was created by our evil neighbors to the North, the Canadians. If that alone doesn’t make it lame then just repeat the words cinnamon flavored whiskey. Whiskey is not meant to be flavored. It is supposed to taste like whiskey. That’s why they call it that. People who drink whiskey do so because they like its natural flavor. If you want to add different flavors to something then grab a bottle of vodka.

I get that you don’t want to drink whiskey. That is a personal choice that has no affect on me. However, the second you start to try to justify to me that Fireball is real whiskey you begin to invade my personal space by insulting my intelligence. Nothing you can say will make it alright to drink Fireball so let’s stop there. If you order a shot of Fireball you might as well be shooting a blonde headed slut or a white gummy bear or a pussy fart or a Washington apple or some other mixed shot meant to taste like anything but alcohol.

This is why I have come up with The Great Balls of Ranch Shot (name subject to change) to please the portion of the general drunken public that would rather bathe themselves in ranch than normal bath water and who believe that whiskey isn’t good enough on it’s own. I am combining the two seemingly most popular items at bars and restaurants and plan on selling them for ten bucks a shot. I will make a killing. No one can resist the mixture of  the two things most people prefer to put in theirs mouths. So order another round of Great Balls of Ranch and be on the lookout for, “The Ranchsickle” (patent pending), the next best thing in dessert that will be out just in time for summer.


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