I am going to release my own reality television network. I figure why let rednecks, gypsy whores and spoiled rich white women be the only ones to capitalize on producing terrible television that by the minute lowers our nation’s combined IQ. It doesn’t take much to entertain the general American Public, that has been made painfully clear by networks like Bravo and MTV that have pretty much junked any intelligent programming in favor of shows that glorify some of human beings worst qualities.
It is not surprising that in a nation filled with people who are fascinated with accidents, that these same people would be completely engrossed with television shows that make them feel better about their lives no matter how shitty they are. If you are feeling down then flip on the television and I bet you will find five different people who are doing worse, and not only that, they are proud of it.
I first thought that Americans being obsessed with reality television was just a ridiculous fad but upon further thought it looks like I gave my fellow countrymen a little too much credit. My notion that people would realize that watching shows about sixteen year old girls who are too stupid to realize that they are fucked for life only makes them being pregnant look better to the people who watch them. Why glorify ignorance? That will only lead more people down a path of lifelong ignorance a future our country seems obsessed with reaching.
At first I was greatly discouraged by this discovery and went into a dark state of depression that included binge drinking and a David Duchovny marathon. This depressive state went on for three weeks until I had a moment of clarity on the subject. If America wants television programming that glorifies the worst attributes of our species than that is exactly what they deserve to get and if it can make me a millionaire so rich that I never have to interact with the people who watch reality television that would be even better.
That is why I am releasing SAWC (stupid Americans watch crap) my new television network that will be available on all local cable providers as well as on DIRECTV and DISH network tomorrow. SAWC will be dedicated to broadcasting the most mind numbing and IQ lowering reality television out there. Now I know that is a tall order with awesome shows like My Gypsy Wedding and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but I have a crack staff of crackheads working around the clock and the pipe to come up with innovative ways to capture the short spanned attention of Americans.
In doing so we have come up with some exciting shows that we think will have Americans losing their jobs because they just simply can’t turn off SAWC. Tomorrow night we will premier Human Female Hyena Hunters an hour long look into middle aged skanks who troll late night bars in search of dick prey. Watch as they feast on innocent young men too drunk and horny to realize that they are being lured into the den of a pack of Human Female Hyenas. Once there few make it out without an STD and always leave with a scarred perspective of all women over forty.
Monday nights will be highlighted by The For Real Housewives of South Central. We went out and found wives of real life gangsters and followed them around to find out what makes these powerful women tick. It is a fascinating look into the world of banging frames and bitch smacking that you will never want to miss.
Tuesday nights will be Real Life Celebrity Surprise where our crew personally kidnaps real life celebrities and drops them into life threatening scenarios. Season one features Jay Leno waking up to find himself tied to a post in the middle of a burning building with a knife in his right hand shirt pocket and thirty minutes to get out of it. Also featured is Sarah Palin on a plane whose pilot evacuates as soon as the plane reaches its proper flying height. Watch in hilarity as the former vice presidential candidate scrambles around in a frantic attempt to save her life. I will admit these shows sound extreme but I assure you that none of the celebrities featured die, except Christian Bale.
Inspired by UFC and my great white shark fighting ring (wefightwhites.com) I am proud to say that Wednesday nights on SAWC will feature the Marine Life Fighting Hour. Aquatic creatures of all species and weight class will be locked in an underground octagon and forced to fight each other for various belts as well as the coveted MFLH fighter of the week award. Episode one kicks off with a gator versus a bull shark, a dolphin versus a squid and the heavyweight championship bout, a great white shark versus a killer whale. Any true fight fan will not want to miss Marine Life Fighting Hour.
Homeless Person Survivor will debut Thursday night. Watch as we take old rich white people and place them on an abandoned city block in Detroit in the middle of winter with nothing but a pair of torn khaki’s and torn sweater, a forty ounce of Olde English in a brown paper bag and half a pack of wet matches. We instruct all homeless shelters to deny the contestants entry in an effort to ensure the integrity of the show. Our cameras follow these people as they struggle to find food, water and a warm enough place to stay to survive the frigid night. Whoever lives the longest gets to defend their title in Season 2’s Homeless Person Survivor New York City.
We here at SAWC recognize that not everyone has the ability to compete due to being mentally disabled or physically challenged in some way. In an effort to give people like that a chance at competition and glory every Friday night we will show the Incestual Olympics. These games will be modeled after the Special Olympics and each week we will travel to a different southern town and recruit those poor souls left without normal human functions due to the fact that their mother is their father’s sister.
Last but not least we will release my favorite show on the SAWC network, 60 and Pregnant. Watch as these grannies not only get impregnated by random guys but follow them through the dangerous birth process all the way to them trying to make it as a senior citizen single mother. Hearts and hips will be broken as 60 and Pregnant guarantees to make you scream, vomit and cry.
SAWC looks forward to satisfying every Americans desire to rot their brains with mind numbingly awful television shows that showcase and glorify all that is wrong with society. I am proud to say that I hope my contribution to the dumbing down of our nation will make me filthy stinking rich so I may live in a house in the mountains safe from the moronic discussions that reality television inspires. I hope you all enjoy SAWC and it’s wonderful reality television programming and always remember if watching people destroy their lives doesn’t entertain you, then you sir or madam are not American.
Jonathan Avella's Blog 