Posts Tagged ‘Stone Cider’

Jon Domino

April 12, 2013

Southern California craft beer overlord, Stone, usually known for their employees’ humble attitude and the brew pub’s beautiful beer gardens has come under close public scrutiny after a couple of violent incidents took place on their property. Both incidents resulted in injuries, one of which was fatal.

The first incident took place at the brewery’s Stone Cider release. Two hipsters got into a heated argument about whose chest tattoo was better when a break dance fight broke out. Unfortunately for one of these heated hipsters, his skinny jeans were too tight and as he tried to twist his left knee the bone moved but the flesh did not, resulting in a gruesome compact fracture.

The second incident in question took place last Wednesday during Stone’s weekly California Condor Wing Night promotion. As usual the place was packed with ill tempered rich people since the delicious wings of this endangered species are on special every Wednesday for fifty-five and sixty-five dollars a wing.

On this particular California Condor Wing Night one customer was extremely upset that he couldn’t take his wings to go. The floor manager was forced to step in and did so with a blade in his hand. He then stabbed the unruly patron five times in the face in front of a full restaurant. The floor manager, who has since been fired, had to be restrained from stabbing other random customers who  he screamed had crossed him on past California Condor wing nights.

Under great public criticism and amidst a press nightmare Stone announced that for the first time ever they were going to hire a head of security whose sole job it would be to maintain the safety of both Stone employees and their customers. The search began and for a moment it seemed like the general drunken public’s outrage and verbal abuse had ceased.

The search ended with the highly controversial announcement that former mafia enforcer and known felon, Jon Domino, was being hired for the head of security position. Public outrage ensued yet again. People questioned why Stone, which boasts to be a family friendly establishment, would bring in a man notorious for being extremely violent to ensure their customer and staff’s safety.

Jon Domino was born in 1976 in Patterson, NJ to Shaun and Shauna Domino. Shaun Domino was a low rent thug who ripped off Kwik-E-Marts and toy stores and Shauna was a common street walker. Jon Domino’s first assault charge was filed against him when he was fourteen by Shaun Domino. Allegedly the son broke the father’s pinkie over a controversial call while playing the family’s favorite sport, dominoes.

Jon Domino dropped out of high school in 1993 to pursue a highly promising career in the mafia. Domino started out as a runner for the Pacino family but quickly advanced up through the ranks. With a heavy drinking problem and a relentless violent streak Domino made his way up to the esteemed position of enforcer for the Pacino family.

Domino was a sort of loose cannon, often breaking people’s legs for little or no reason. Don Don Pacino looked the other way due to Domino’s great performance as an enforcer. Despite several trips to jail a year Domino still dominated the mafia world in stats. For an eight year period between the years 1998-2006 Domino led all enforcers with the most legs broken, most bitches smacked and, by a large margin, most conjugal visits.

In 2008 Domino was forced to leave the Pacino family due to the fact that he had sex with two of Don Don Pacino’s wives and three of his mistresses. When the family turned on him Domino fled out to the West Coast settling in Los Angeles where he worked as a rotating random criminal character on various versions of Law and Order.

Now hired as the head of security at one of the most powerful breweries in the world Jon Domino took questions from the media in the middle of the breweries beautiful garden.

Jon Domino approaches the podium dressed in a black vest that says Officer Domino on the right breast and Stone Head of Security on the left breast. He is visibly armed with several firearms, a crossbow, a machete and several cans of pepper spray.

“What’s your motto for life?” asks reporter one.

“I’ve never met a pair of fucking legs I couldn’t break,”  answers Jon Domino.

“What are your thoughts on Stone’s no smoking policy?” asks reporter two.

Domino pulls a camel light from the front pocket of his vest and lights it.

“I love it and I look forward to enforcing that policy with extreme fucking prejudice,” answers Domino.

“What do you think of the beautiful grounds here at Stone?” asks reporter three as he puts his cell phone in Domino’s face to record the response.

“The grounds are beautiful and there are plenty of them. I see a lot of good spots to dispose of my enemies,” answers Domino.

Domino notices the cell phone is recording him.

“You god damn swine are you recording this?” yells Domino.

He rips the cell phone out of reporter three’s hand and smashes it under his foot.

“Hey, Jon Domino says go fuck yourself, this cock sucking press conference is over,” yells Domino as he storms off.

Three weeks into Jon Domino’s tenure as the head of security at Stone and there hasn’t been one incident. What that says to this reporter is while Jon Domino might be offensive and extremely dangerous he gets the job done. Maybe all restaurants/ breweries/bars should follow Stone’s successful lead and add a little Domino to their business plan.

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