Jonathan Avella's Blog

In honor of San Diego Beer Week which started Friday, November 2^nd, internationally beloved microbrewery and distributor of other microbreweries, Stone Brewery, has just announced the release of four new beers. They believe these new beers will solidify their title of making the best craft beer in all of San Diego which, in the beer community, means the world. The announcement has beer aficionados from all over foaming at the mouth in anticipation of what promises to be some of the best new beers to ever be released.

For years Stone has been accused of not making a beer palatable to those people who prefer light beer. Usually the brewers at Stone prefer to make complex full flavored beers that please the palate of a more refined beer drinker. In an attempt to turn more people onto craft beer Stone decided to brew Stone Lite, an American Lager that is literally so light that you can’t even taste it. Best served in a chilled glass over ice, Stone Lite has an alcohol by volume of 3.9% and as of Friday can be found at every bar in the State.

Stone is famous for not making fizzy, yellow beer which is normally what an American lager resembles and Stone Lite is no different. It is extremely fizzy but it looks more like water so it isn’t yellow, but see-through. Some might say making a beer like Stone Lite is selling out, but I see it as a bridge to a whole new set of customers.

Guys who play in six different adult softball leagues who roll into bars with the sleeves cut off of their shirts that normally order 12 Bud Lights could now be satisfied with a Stone Lite which tastes like nothing as opposed to tasting like shit. Or that classy broad who likes to down 9 Corona’s on a Tuesday afternoon and then go down on whatever unlucky guy is within two stools of her can say that she is a craft beer drinker.

Stone Hef, named for the great Hugh Hefner is the second beer Stone will be releasing in honor of San Diego Beer Week 2012. Stone Hef is a hefeweizen, a German style wheat beer. Most fans of hefeweizen’s here in America like to garnish their wheat beer with an orange or lemon. If you were to tell old, most likely racist, German brewers that young American’s were garnishing their hefeweizens with whatever fruit is readily available they would firebomb us.

Their explanation of such a violent act would be that by introducing a variable from outside the conventional way the beer has been brewed you ruin the beer’s natural flavor and thus make all their hard work go to shit. Stone has never been one to stick to conventional brewing methods and encourages those that choose to enjoy Stone Hef to garnish it with an avocado slice which is also a sign of support for local avocado growers all over Southern California.

Stone Original is going to be an exotic blend of Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale. Now, all those idiots who think that Stone Brewery only makes those two beers can enjoy them both in one bottle. You might think that a brewery of Stone’s production and popularity wouldn’t have to deal with being stereotyped, but it happens on a daily basis.

Stone Original takes the thinking out ordering a beer for those people ignorant enough to truly believe that Stone IPA and Stone Pale Ale are the only beers made by Stone Brewery. People all the time who claim that Stone is their favorite brewery and that every beer they make is delicious will turn their nose up when you inform them that you don’t have Stone IPA or Stone Pale. Then when you offer them another Stone alternative they look at you like you’re an asshole.

Yeah, I’m the asshole because what lover of Stone Brewery would ever want anything other than the IPA or Pale? It’s these schmucks that Stone hopes to reach out to with Stone Original. What if a bar doesn’t carry it, what then you ask? Never fear Stone has informed all its accounts that in order to keep getting beer from Stone they must carry Stone Original all the time, forever.

The fourth and final beer Stone plans to release for San Diego Beer Week is called Stone Bro. They have promised that it will be their most arrogant and boldest beer ever. The story behind Stone Bro is that hundreds of bartenders from all over Southern California wrote or called Stone Brewery complaining about the way some Stone customers order their beer.

As any smart company should Stone Brewery did whatever it could to please the masses. That’s why they made Stone Bro. It is one hundred percent donkey urine served warm straight out of the bottle because anyone who walks up to a bar and orders a Stone, bro, deserves to drink animal piss.

Happy San Diego Beer Week!

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