Posts Tagged ‘yelp’

Review Evolution

May 17, 2016

There is a four letter website out there that stands for everything that is wrong with social media. This website allows any asshole with a cell phone to spew hate filled reviews attacking people in the service industry because they are upset that there is no Amber Ale on tap. They seem to have no control over what slanderous rhetoric its users post. Anyone who has ever waited or bussed a table, tended bar, been a floor or general manager or worked the door as a security guard will tell you that 90% of what you read on this website is bullshit usually made up by a user under the influence of alcohol. I understand that speech is free in this country but personally attacking an employee of an establishment you patronize, while drunk and recently ejected, does not equate to freedom of speech in my mind.

I have so many negative reviews about me that it is impossible to count. I have been called both racist and sexist on this site. I have been accused of being a pathetic little man drunk with the power of running a restaurant on this site. I have been referred to as a shameless prick who inexcusably backs his staff on this site. One time some schmuck actually posted a picture of a dog taking a shit and had the nerve to compare me to the pile of dung on this site.

Mind you these nasty things have been written about me because I was just trying to do my job. When was the last time something that happened at your job got blasted out on the internet with the express purpose of making you look like a jackass? Think hard. For me it’s much easier to recall because it happens every several months. If you want to pull me aside and say these awful things to my face that’s fine. It most likely won’t end well but one way or another it will end. Don’t be a coward and run to your laptop or tablet and blatantly make shit up that threatens my livelihood. Once it goes up on this site it is there for the public to read and now not just one person thinks I am all these awful things but the entire world is encouraged to make the same rash judgement.

So, you say to me, “It’s just a silly little website. Nobody cares that much about what is written there. Readers are smart enough to decipher the legitimate reviews versus the bullshit ones.”  First of all, the people who use this site are not that smart. Trust me I deal with them on a daily basis. If they were in a spelling bee versus a stack of bricks I’m taking the bricks, big time. Second of all people do care. I have seen people cry after reading a nasty review that was written about them. I’ve met people in this industry who have lost their job because they got too many bad reviews most of which were bullshit. If people didn’t care what was written on this shitbag site then certain restaurants wouldn’t discount customers who write five star reviews about them.

I have been in or around the restaurant business for 20 plus years and have been in the craft beer industry the last ten and what I have found is that people in this industry care about what they do, a lot. This is a career not some summer job motherfucker and every day I go to work I try to be better than I was the day before. When things don’t go well I lose sleep or drink to excess usually both. When my teammates have a bad day I feel it, because I care about them too. We work long hours on our feet trying extremely hard to provide our patrons with stellar product and service.

To do all that and then have some punk ass permanently stoned college hipster or some Quaalude popping soccer mom who have never waited a table in their life tell the internet that I suck at my job is something I am no longer able to just sit here and take. In fact, a very good friend of mine and I are going to open a restaurant for all these expert reviewers of a business they have never been employed in and it’s going to be called “Go Fuck Yourself” (patent pending). That way when they don’t like how things go down in our house they can reference the sign on the front door.

Service industry people unite. They want to write about us then let’s write about them. There is a website called GULPU.com™ coming to you soon. It’s our site to talk about how awful they are. For now, get stress off your chest with us at https://www.facebook.com/GULPU/

That way the next time some redneck with dip spit dribbling down his chin tries to fight you because you wouldn’t serve his pregnant girlfriend alcohol the real story will be heard too. Oh yeah, I almost forgot “Fuck Yelp”.

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GULPU!!!

January 6, 2012

The government has informed me via a sealed letter that due to legal restrictions the website GULP is not available for public use. Apparently, although I can neither confirm nor deny whether what I am about to say is true, the term GULP is the name of some sort of secret government program which the government wishes to keep the general public from learning about. We here at GuerillaDeSwine Productions are used to Government interference in our business and are pleased to announce that what was once GULP.COM is now GULPU.COM! The website is still under construction but the response to our initial announcement of GULPU has been overwhelming. Here is just one of the many GULPU reviews we have already received.

Emily B. San Marcos, CA

Two ex or current streetwalkers walked in the other night. One had on a puffy jacket with a fake fur-line collar while the other had shorts short enough to require two hairdos. When asked if they were eating dinner they exchanged annoyed glances and then replied “yes” with an over exaggerated gasp. After looking at a menu skank one asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I fought the urge to ask her if most restaurants she went to listed fake prices or if maybe she was used to bartering for food. When I answered yes she waved me off in disgust.

They were ready to order when I returned with their drinks. One ordered the Mushroom and Bleu burger, well done, which is a wonderful way to ruin a good piece of meat. The other ordered the mac and cheese she had wished to negotiate down in price earlier. In addition she wanted a grilled cheese. I guess walking the streets called for a constant intake of cheese, amongst other things, into her body. I placed the order and fifteen minutes later it was up. When I placed the food on the table the mac skank let me know that she thought the food had taken way too long. I began to explain that ruining a good burger by ordering it well done took extra time but she waved me off before I could finish.

The burger skank flagged me down after taking two bites from her burger. She said there was something funky tasting on it. I pointed out that the mushroom and bleu burger had bleu cheese on it and perhaps that was what gave off a slightly funky taste. She said that wasn’t it. She loved bleu cheese. I took her plate away and had the kitchen make a plain well done burger.

The mac skank flagged me down. She pointed at her mac. She asked if the mac and cheese was really six dollars. I nodded yes. She waved me off. I returned with the well done burger. They both let me know this time that they thought the food had taken way too long. They proceeded to scarf the food down as if it was their first meal in days and that their figure-obsessed pimp may be lurking around a corner somewhere ready to smack them down for eating.

I cleared their plates and listened as the mac skank trash talked the food and restaurant to her friend as if I didn’t exist. Without even looking at me or stopping her conversation she signaled for the check. They left in a hurry so I immediately checked the check book. There was money in it but it was eleven cents short. I decided against going after them when I realized they clearly needed that eleven cents way more than I did. I would have rather paid for their food and once the kitchen was finished making it just throw it away rather than having those two in at all.

Please don’t come back, whoever you are.

Thanks Emily for being a part of GULPU! While we are updating our software for the GULPU.COM launch feel free to leave your reviews in the comment area of this blog.

GULP!!!

December 17, 2011

I’m going to create a website called Gulp. It is going to be modeled after Yelp, the evil website made originally with good intentions but which now specifically specializes in making business owners crazy. The difference for Gulp will be that instead of customers reviewing workers, Gulp will consist of reviews written by workers about their customers. Don’t get me wrong I’m not totally against Yelp. I believe that if someone goes to a restaurant several times and repeatedly receives bad food or service that it is their civil duty to let other people know. Yelp gives you a chance to voice your opinion. I have no problem with that concept. My problem is with some of the people who use Yelp. Instead of being constructive or rational they come off as biased and just plain stupid. It only seems fair that if customers get to write whatever they want about people trying to make a living that the working man should get their say too. Reading Yelp can at times be like repeatedly kicking yourself in the groin for an extended amount of time. If you have ever felt the dread of reading a one star review of the restaurant or bar you work at you understand exactly what I mean. Most of the people in the hospitality industry I know are very hard working people who truly believe that making the customer happy is one of the most important aspects of their job. That’s why coming home after an eight hour shift and getting a text message from a Yelp-addicted chef that some anonymous coward gave us a one star review because she couldn’t find a parking space at 8 o’clock on a Friday night and because she had to wait five minutes to use the restroom, and that her one star review has now dropped us to a 4-star as opposed to a 4.5 star restaurant is the last thing I want to hear about it. To Yelp reviewers like that I say I will not go play in traffic because you thought the ice cold beer I served to you was, in your opinion, tepid. Despite what you may believe those kids being loud at the table next to you are not mine, nor did I strategically seat you next to them just to ensure your dining experience would be ruined. I apologize if my not serving your friend who doesn’t have their ID makes you believe I am on a power trip. The fact that you have deemed my clientele to be snooty locals or fat bitchy chicks really has no bearing on the food or service. Also any restaurant employee talking shit on Yelp about another restaurant out of spite or envy or jealousy should be outcast from society and left to live in the woods eating only berries and deer shit. It’s idiotic comments like the ones referenced above that have inspired Gulp and once it is unleashed I cannot be held responsible for the consequences. Now, not just customers get to be irrational and hateful. Employees in customer service everywhere will now have an anonymous way to talk shit about the people they serve. Welcome to Gulp. But beware, or I might just Gulp the shit out of you.

ID’s Please

December 2, 2011

If you walk into a bar and you are under the age of 40 you should be prepared to be ID’ed, perhaps even multiple times. I don’t care what you look like, who you’re with or how old you are. If I don’t know you I’m going to ID you. The penalties a bartender faces for serving a minor are serious fines, termination and possible jail time. You think I am going to risk any of those because your girlfriend who looks 19 left her ID at home? Women make a living off trying to either look younger or older. When they are young they want to look old. When they are old they want to look young. This prospect makes it very difficult for one to determine if a girl is 19 or 35. That’s why when a 30 year old who is trying her damnedest to look 21 walks into my bar I ID her. She doesn’t like it, which doesn’t coincide with the whole looking younger routine. She states her age. I thank her but insist on seeing her ID. She states her age this time with a huff of disgust. I thank her again and point out that the three half dressed skanks drowning in makeup that she walked in with all happily showed me their ID’s. She tells me her ID is at home and states her age before adding that it’s okay for me to serve her. I thank her for her permission but inform her that the word of a stranger is not an acceptable form of ID. After a five minute temper tantrum her and her friends skank away into a dark corner to plot how to trick young, dumb drunks into taking them home. Five minutes later when my barback catches her sipping her friends drink I kick her out. They never go quietly though. As embarrassing as it is to get kicked out of a bar why do people always insist on causing a scene on their way out? She finally leaves after promising to “yelp” the shit out of me and her nasty friends flick me off as they follow her to the next bar. This sort of thing happens all the time. A guy walks up and orders two beers and two jager bombs. I look around. He is by himself. I request two ID’s. “They’re both for me, Bro.” My skin crawls as he slides his ID over. I grab the drinks. As he walks away I set my barback on him who intercepts the second beer before the other idiot can sip it. I kick them both out. They want to fight. I decline and offer a tussle with the police. They walk off amidst a mix of threats and curses. People just don’t understand. I have been bartending a long time and drinking even longer so I know when I am being scammed. I’ve seen more invalid ID’s than I care to remember and they all look different. Your expired driver’s license is not a valid ID. Your permission is not a valid ID. The fact that you have a beard is not a valid ID. The fact that you were in my bar at some point over the last month is not a valid ID. The fact that the guy who is getting you drunk and taking advantage of you later is 45 is not a valid ID. The fact that the woman you are getting drunk who is taking advantage of you later is 45 is not a valid ID. Your college ID is not a valid ID. Your library card is not a valid ID. Your medical marijuana card is not a valid ID. Either get it or prepare to be thirsty and sober for a very long time.


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